OH MY GOD.

THAT SHOW WAS SO MUCH FUN TONIGHT.  I am not even kidding - holy fucking shit I can't even believe I am getting to do shows again.  this is blowing my mind.  I mean this is really blowing my mind.  I got up today and went to speak at an alanon meeting which I was totally regretting on the way there and then it turned out to be awesome - then I went to an AA meeting and sat behind literally the most famous person who I have ever seen at a meeting and I'm not kidding you - they smelled AMAZING - what is THAT???  I waited on Eddie Murphy once - he ordered a vodka and orange juice and he only drank like half of it and sat there with his entourage for like 2 hours and do you know what I remember about him??  HE SMELLED FUCKING AMAZING.  I stink.  WELL I GUESS YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU HAVE READ ANY OF THIS BLOG.  I smell better than I used to though!!  So anyway - that was so much fun tonight and I was fucking so exhausted and once again my spot was at 12:10 a fucking m.  But guess what???  So worth it - so fucking worth it.  My friend was there and she taped it for me so that's good.  What?  I just - I don't know what else to say - I never thought I would get to do this again and I'm still not really doing it but I'm getting there.  It's so much fun it's crazy.  I was rather unprepared for how much the audience liked it.  I just didn't think about it and did it.  Lord - lord have mercy.  That person must have rubbed off on me.  I also have been working my ass off.  I just got so tired I love you Bluebie bye.

SO TIRED.

Holy fuck I went and did that spot tonight - the comedy spot - it was at 12:10 a fucking m and it was SO MUCH FUN.  Some of my jokes totally didn't work at all - which was weird and I forgo to tape myself so - ugh - I can't listen to it - but it was super fun and they laughed at a lot of it - I certainly didn't tank.  I left my house today at noon and got home at 1:30 a.m.  I met with my sponsor and read with her for over an hour and after that there wasn't enough time for me to go home before my meeting so I walked and walked and checked out this new club.  I also worked on my set.  Then I went to my meeting and went to get food with friends and then we walked & walked and got ice cream - it was so fun.  They are comics too so that was so fun.  Jesus - I was so nervous and I totally forgot parts of my set - but I had fun and I wasn't super in my head and the crowd liked me.  I was thinking on the way home that it would be nice if I liked them and I was being of service by making them laugh.  I am so fucking tired right now.  I have another show tomorrow night and I'm really excited for that one too!!  I have to go to sleep right now - I am so exhausted.   I worked a double yesterday and then this long ass walking day today - wow.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

So stressed out.

So I'm so nervous about this weekend and okay - I'm just going to write.  I'm so nervous about doing these shows and it feels like it is a once in life opportunity and that is just crazy.  Why does everything have to be so fucking melodramatic?  I'm just so nervous and scared and I can't get my set list right and I will never be able to remember my jokes.  I wrote with a friend last night for HOURS and it was so much fun but exhausting.  I'm just so afraid to commit and listen - I can bring notes on stage with me if I need to - I can do that - it's okay.  I can't be perfect right now - at all - I just have to be where I am.  I've been working on this for days - so okay - alright.  I'm going to work on it more right now.  That's it.  Holy fucking balls of nuts - I'm so nervous and in my head right now.  Okay - I'm going to do this again - my set - right now - barrel through it and just do it.  OKAY BYE BLUEBIE I LOVE YOU.

Rigorous Fucking Honesty.

That's a thing in the program - rigorous honesty - I'm sure I've written about it before.  However IT IS SO FUCKING HARD.  Who the fuck wants to be rigorously honest???  NOT ME.  I want to be kind of honest - or even - full of shit but I sound honest.  How about that?  A liar with the illusion of being honest.  I would be a bullshitter but - magical.  What?  Gross.  I mean - so here I am now at this place where I have some opportunities to do some more shows and go in the direction I want to go in but.....but I lost my place in line so to speak and I am going to have to work SO HARD to get back AND I DON'T WANT TO.  If I am going to be rigorously honest then everyday - all the time I need to be working on my craft and everyday I need to also be taking care of my program.  Who can do this and have time to be depressed and feel sorry for themselves, be filled with rage - UGH.  I know - I know that's the whole point.  I have to be so fucking disciplined right now for this to even work out a little bit - let alone for me to get successful but - I don't know - I don't really know if I can do this.  I mean I don't have anything else to do so why not but that can't be the right thinking.  On another note completely I am allergic to something in my apartment - my eyes - I wake up with them so red - so irritated.  What in the world could it be?  I mean - yes there is some cigarette smoke but it doesn't really make sense to me.  Ugh - whatever - I just can't tell you how amazing it is to come home to that quiet apartment and be able to make myself food and calm down before going to bed.  It's a beautiful thing.  Okay - well more will be revealed I guess.  I love you Bluebie.

Poem.

Here I sit  and here I write
More like here I sit and here I type
I type on a wireless keyboard while I sell dresses
to wireless people - women mostly
and the occasionally creepy man
Except for that Irish airline stewardess man - he was so sweet
It's so nice to have wireless products but not
wireless people
They need to get plugged back in - these women
Ah - but I am so grateful to be selling dresses
instead of drinks and fake cheese.
One day I hope to sell my heart
or rent it by the hour or day
not in a creepy way
In a beautiful way.
Have a lovely day - and remember
to stay plugged in.

Byeeeeee!!!!!!!

Relief and cying.

I just got home - it's about 9:30 and I'm in my pajamas which is glorious.  I stopped at the grocery store and got greens so I can have salads the next few days at work.  I came home and the super and his wife were sitting outside and they were nice.  I came up here and listened to a message from my new sponsor and it was so sweet - so loving and just nice but not too nice.  Then I listened to a message from my sponsee and she sounded so good and real and I just started crying.  It was a long day at the store - I walked to a meeting and then to go to do a show and I was fucking exhausted but I was determined to go do this show and it was cancelled.  I was so tired - got on the bus, then the train blah blah - to come home to this cute apartment and have food and nice messages was such a relief that I just cried.  But also I'm so fucking stressed out - I need to make more money and it's not happening.  The comedy club is not happening but also - I just can't be there anymore it's done for me.  Or I can't be there as much as I have been - I'm not going anywhere without other work.  Okay - so fine - this is just a scary time.  I'm okay - I have food, I pay my bills - although my rent is super late - suuuuper late - but - ugh - that's not good but it's - okay.  I just have to have faith I guess - just keep working my programs, taking care of myself and have faith.  Holy fuck though - WOW.  I do know this after seeing that friend yesterday - it's not going to get better me not working a program - that's for sure.  I shouldn't say that - it's hard for us but - well for me - I just need to stay focused.  So - holy fuck though - this is SO FUCKING - hard.  Tedious I suppose.  I'm getting tired but I feel very blessed to be sober and I have no idea about anything else - I just don't - it's a fucking mystery to me.  So - so I will see you tomorrow my Blueberry love.  We'll complain more then!!

At work - keeping busy.

While I was on vacation my sister told me about this thing she read about and - was it a book or an article or a plaque?  I don't know but it's a FORMULA - Commit, Learn, Do.  Holy fuck - even writing that is making me nervous - or is it the iced tea?  I brought this HUGE thermos of iced tea with me.  Those long thermos's that have the little cup that goes with them.  Every time I pour some out I feel like a construction worker.  Cool right??  So anyway I just got nervous writing the word COMMIT.  I think I thought being obsessed was being committed.  WRONG.  Anyway - so - okay I'm going to try this.  Commit to being an artist - for real - that's it - and then keep following the formula - learn and do.  Listen if I didn't commit to getting sober - it just wasn't going to happen.  EVER.  I think.  Am I really questioning that?  OF COURSE.  Ugh - so 2 things.  I need to commit in my heart and commit in my actions.  That is so hard - it is so hard for me to do that right now.  I want the option of going to sleep but EW - ewww - right?  Holy shit - I need some water.  I'm so grateful to be at work.  I love you Bluebie.