Sexy torture.....

and not in the s&m (S&M?) kind of way.  I spent time with him last night and it was fun - he's funny - we wrote - it was enjoyable.  He walked me home and I didn't let him inside even though I REALLY wanted to.  I found myself getting jealous - the same way I used to with other men.  Looking at these other women who have something I don't have that he might like better.  Isn't that so sad and awful?  It's so unkind to myself.  Today - on the way to work - all the pretty, dark haired, or blonde straight haired, young women with lip gloss - all of them - I was like - "Oh - oh there she is - that's for him."  WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK IS THAT?  Okay - what I really think is happening is that I need to let this up and out - I need to iron it out.  It has so much to do with self-acceptance and kindness towards my self.  He was so sweet to me and he was so nice about leaving.  He did ask me 25 times if I was sure I wanted him to but still - he left and was not - mean.  Sweet - he was sweet.  I'm incredible uncomfortable.  I think I should just become someone else and then this will all be fine.  BUT I LIKE ME NOW.  Holy fuck - this is really hard.  REALLY HARD.  He's so hot - he's really sexy - that was not EASY AT ALL to send him away.  When am I going to start laughing - I'm nuts.  Why do I suddenly care about other women?  It seems like it's about something else.  Okay - Bluebie - I love you.  Don't worry - there will be plenty more low-key emotional drama involving only myself.  CHRIST!  Bye - love you. ps Did I mention I have PMS??  Yes!! YES!!!!  FUCK YES!!!!

Wednesday is as good a day to suffer as any....

LOL??  Well - so - yesterday was the anniversary of the terrible thing and it was such a sad day.  Do you know I didn't even know it was the day - I just started crying while I was drinking my coffee and I had no idea why.  Then I was talking to my mother and she - I had to ask her when it was and she said "today."  Isn't that crazy?  I had no idea but I knew.  My psychic powers are all in my body.  WHAT?  Okay - well at least that made me laugh a little.  I'm still sad today and my class was amazing last night - so great and even though I was exhausted I still did the work.  My upstairs neighbor woke me up at 6:30 with the vibrator he knocked onto the floor and left buzzing there for 3 minutes.  I was SO fucking annoyed and I was cracking up.  What the fuck does a 70 year old MAN do with a vibrator?  I was imagining myself going up there and knocking on the door and saying "Um - hi I'm your downstairs neighbor and I was just wondering if you could pick up your vibrator - I'm trying to sleep!"  Or "Hi - I'm your downstairs neighbor - nice to meet you - I was just wondering if you could use your breathing machine later in the morning?  (I would be pretending like I didn't know what it was)"  He doesn't even speak English that well and so that would cause a problem.  While I was walking the dog yesterday he shuffles out of his apartment - all innocent and old man like.  I mean - I don't get it - do men USE vibrators?  Am I missing something?  This morning he was totally banging up there - the floor started to creak and I was like - you go get it!  He gets so much action!!  Ha - I should call the management company and complain about his early morning vibrator dropping on the floor and letting it spin for 3 minutes.  Hahahaaa - that really made me laugh.  HOW MUCH MORE AWESOME IS THIS THAN LIVING WITH PRINCESS BORIS AND TALL NOT SO DARK AND CREEPY?  I am still so sad even after all that.  I have a writing date with the guy tonight.  I'm nervous and tired.  More will be revealed I guess.  I have to go and feel for myself.  I love you Blueberry.

Rigorous Honesty.

Who wants to be rigorously honest?  Do normal people even want to do that?  I doubt it - it's fucking impossible.  This guy wants to have sex with me and see me more and now I feel like - it's out of control.  It's not but I want to do what he wants out of fear and I'm not sure what I want.  He is totally funny and he flirted with me allll night last night at work and that was so much fun.  We took a cab home and while we were making out he said "When can I do this outside of a cab?"  Here's the thing.....he also flirts with other girls - as I do guys and normally I would have gotten bat shit crazy jealous - insane - not to mention looking on facebook at any woman on his page - blah, blah blah.  But because I'm taking care of myself - that didn't happen.  This one girl even said to him in front of me - "Oh I want him to lick my left nipple."  Um - what?  I just laughed - it was so ridiculous - and he's cute!  I want him to lick MY left nipple.  I just think if I have sex with him - I will loose it and I really don't want that to be true but I know it is - at least for now.  I'm afraid if I don't sleep with him then he will move on to left nipple girl or anyone else.  What have I learned so far being sober about acting out of guilt?  Let's start with that.  Disaster - never EVER has worked out.  Before I was sober or after.  So now - now I want to act out of fear.  As I write this I'm actually thinking to myself - "Yes - yes - act out of the fear - listen to that."  FUCK.  It was so FUN making out with him!  WOW.  Totally totally fun.  Why are men so fucking aggressive?  He was sweet when I said can you be patient but jeez - they act like the world is going to end.  Maybe it is?  I just wasn't ready and I have no idea what I'm doing but I don't want to do it from a fear based place.  I deserve better than that.  It's so confusing because he also - just isn't boyfriend material I don't think.  I'm so sad and uncomfortable to write that.  So I feel a tangle here.  A real tangle.  Haha.  I did wake up this morning and think that more needs to be ironed out.  And I do not WANT a boyfriend.  I don't.  I do feel better though.  It's definitely more fun having face on my face.  What?  That is so not romantic.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Moment of slef-esteem......

I just had a moment of self-esteem where I thought "But I'm not stupid...."  So I guess a REAL moment of self-esteem would be to say I'm smart.  Who says that about themselves?  I'm so uncomfortable right now.  The guy from work is being nice to me and we had fun the other night coming home from work but it makes me so uncomfortable and - well - we seem to have different views on how art is arrived at.  Well if that sentence doesn't prove I'm smart I don't know what does.  So I guess it's safe to say I'm slightly obsessing over this guy in the old way I used to do with men - trying to figure out how to fit him into my life and make a FUTURE together.  Which feels bad and wrong.  Last night I had a moment of grace also where I thought to myself "Oh this is just supposed to be fun - make my life a little lighter - no big deal - no heaviness."  I didn't think the heaviness part - but the rest I did.  He told me to get in touch with him if I want to hang out and so I have been freaked out.  Why?  That doesn't mean I have to call him right now and have him come over and watch me eat breakfast.  Jesus.  I'm having toasted sesame Ezekiel bread with butter and peanut butter.  Skippy - not Jiff and definitely not that nasty ass make your own at the store shit.  What?  Why am I so angry about natural peanut butter?  He doesn't understand why I go to acting class - why don't I just act he said.  Um - what?  I don't know - more will be revealed.  My class last night was good - more new beautiful people and I only stared at my teacher's package 3 times.  Again maybe 4 because I can not figure out what is going ON down there.  What the heck??  It's just bulge - no definition - just a giant bulge.  WOW - WOW - what is wrong with me??  Here's what is good about this guy.  He's nice and funny and I haven't slept with him or been a psycho and I haven't told him all my deepest, darkest secrets - including anything about the program or THIS.  I feel like I am ironing things out.  I feel like I have always had tons of wrinkles in relationships - right from the start and then I would start wearing them RIGHT away and there was never a chance to iron them because I/we were wearing them already (the relationship).  Also I just realized and hello - this is a friendship/relationship - whatever that they all are - it involves 2 people.  TWO.  It's not just me and this person who is supposed to make me feel better.  Plus - it takes me a long time to trust and get to know people - I suppose that is the same for everyone - but I have NEVER EVER done that with a guy.  Got to know him and then decided.  To be honest it feels like trying to save money or just do a little every day to take care of myself - EXCRUCIATING.  Who wants to get to know someone?  What the fuck????  EXHAUSTING.  SEE?  I'm SO MUCH BETTER.  I'm done with my breakfast and I need to walk the dog and walk me.  Bye Bluebie - Happy Weekend!

I bought a TV.

My computer is really shitting the bed and the sound won't work but I don't want to dram buy another computer - I mean - I do - I do want to buy another computer all fast and crazy but I'm not going to do that to myself.  So - so I went to Best Buy to get a external hard drive to back-up my computer and I bought a little TV that was on sale.  When the guy put in my cable for the Internet he left another plug for a TV and told me I could get basic cable if I wanted to get a television.  So I get this TV home and I plug it in and I can't figure out how to work it and I was so frustrated - I just kept thinking I needed a guy to figure it out.  I figure out how to screw the bas in and attach the cable but I couldn't figure out the remote or how to get any channels.  It was asking me to do something and I had no idea what it was and it wasn't working by me using my instincts.  HA - because that's how electronics work right?  So I googled it and after trying 5 different things, reattaching the cable, turning it on and off, on and off - I decided I could return the fucking thing and that would be just fine.  Just then I googled something and did just one thing different than what google said - I actually used my instincts and guess what ???  THE TV CAME ON.  I felt like I saw Jesus before me.  My mouth fell open and I waited for the TV to explode.  Then it had weird bars on it - I googled that and got it to fill up the whole screen.  Amazing.  Then I used the back-up but I can't tell if I did it right - I was so tired after that.  I mean - I made a TV work.  Fucking heart surgery is next.  I'm still blown away.  I know it sounds so - ridiculous but I'm really proud of myself.  Okay - I think I might be coming down now.  Seriously.  WOW.  The burger I just ate is kicking in and the fact that it's not that profound to make a TV work.  Unless you're me.  I put up blinds, put in an air-conditioner, put a cabinet together - with out super glue.  I even made out with someone and didn't marry them or make their life a living hell.  HOLY SHIT.  This has to be different than what I was doing last year.  Let's see.  Well I have moved and live in my own place and I sleep better now.  I am taking an acting class and what else?  I don't know.  The anniversary is coming up of that bad thing.  That's not going to be fun.  Love and prayer.  Gentle love & prayer.  I eat less gluten now.  Bye Blueberry - I love you so much.

Fun!

I had fun yesterday!!  Novelty.  I came to work, I worked, I went to my meeting and did my service, I took a cab to class, I did my work in class and it was SO fun and then I went home and it was FUN.  I took care of myself the whole day too.  I drank water and breathed and worked on my monologue for class and I had a really great day.  Remember my teacher?  Yeesh - he's so PASSIONATE and INTENSE and has such a large PACKAGE that I can never stop staring at.  I was good last night though I only looked twice.  4 times maybe.  You know what is hilarious also?  There are always all these beauuutiful women in class.  Last night there was this GORGEOUS black women.  I mean - her body - holy shit.  Beautiful.  I think in the past I would have felt jealous but now - now I really try to say to myself - I'm who I am - I'm this and I'm doing the best I can and who cares anyway?  I just can't be bothered anymore.  I just keep thinking what my friend says "I am more than my big Grandma hands."  And I am.  I really am.  I am so tired right now.  Bye Bluebers - lover you.

Dream.

I don't have any pictures - paintings in my apartment - no decoration type pictures - just family pictures.  I really want to get a couple of big pretty paintings - something.  I dreamed last night that I went to these stores and the second store I went to had ALL these amazing paintings and pictures and a garden and they were so different and colorful that I thought they would be so expensive but they were all only $12.00.  It was so weird.  Did it make me not want them as much?  I was enjoying looking at them on the walls and in the racks - you know layered together in the way they do posters and paintings.  What am I talking about?  I'm so exhausted.  I made out with that guy at work and it was totally fun and now I'm freaking out.  Although seriously - this is nothing and I mean NOTHING compared to what I would have done 6 years ago.  I would have looked at those fucking fairy cards 47 times today.  I'm just uncomfortable and it's fine.  It's all good.  I need to sleep - good night Bluebie.