Moment of slef-esteem......

I just had a moment of self-esteem where I thought "But I'm not stupid...."  So I guess a REAL moment of self-esteem would be to say I'm smart.  Who says that about themselves?  I'm so uncomfortable right now.  The guy from work is being nice to me and we had fun the other night coming home from work but it makes me so uncomfortable and - well - we seem to have different views on how art is arrived at.  Well if that sentence doesn't prove I'm smart I don't know what does.  So I guess it's safe to say I'm slightly obsessing over this guy in the old way I used to do with men - trying to figure out how to fit him into my life and make a FUTURE together.  Which feels bad and wrong.  Last night I had a moment of grace also where I thought to myself "Oh this is just supposed to be fun - make my life a little lighter - no big deal - no heaviness."  I didn't think the heaviness part - but the rest I did.  He told me to get in touch with him if I want to hang out and so I have been freaked out.  Why?  That doesn't mean I have to call him right now and have him come over and watch me eat breakfast.  Jesus.  I'm having toasted sesame Ezekiel bread with butter and peanut butter.  Skippy - not Jiff and definitely not that nasty ass make your own at the store shit.  What?  Why am I so angry about natural peanut butter?  He doesn't understand why I go to acting class - why don't I just act he said.  Um - what?  I don't know - more will be revealed.  My class last night was good - more new beautiful people and I only stared at my teacher's package 3 times.  Again maybe 4 because I can not figure out what is going ON down there.  What the heck??  It's just bulge - no definition - just a giant bulge.  WOW - WOW - what is wrong with me??  Here's what is good about this guy.  He's nice and funny and I haven't slept with him or been a psycho and I haven't told him all my deepest, darkest secrets - including anything about the program or THIS.  I feel like I am ironing things out.  I feel like I have always had tons of wrinkles in relationships - right from the start and then I would start wearing them RIGHT away and there was never a chance to iron them because I/we were wearing them already (the relationship).  Also I just realized and hello - this is a friendship/relationship - whatever that they all are - it involves 2 people.  TWO.  It's not just me and this person who is supposed to make me feel better.  Plus - it takes me a long time to trust and get to know people - I suppose that is the same for everyone - but I have NEVER EVER done that with a guy.  Got to know him and then decided.  To be honest it feels like trying to save money or just do a little every day to take care of myself - EXCRUCIATING.  Who wants to get to know someone?  What the fuck????  EXHAUSTING.  SEE?  I'm SO MUCH BETTER.  I'm done with my breakfast and I need to walk the dog and walk me.  Bye Bluebie - Happy Weekend!