Up, down, up down......

I got back from the farm yesterday and had the most wonderful trip.  I did my best to take care of myself and I got to work today and I look good, feel great after a few days on the beach and I am trying so hard to be nice to myself despite the fact that my career isn't where I want it to be.  My sister said the most brilliant thing and said I should say what I want from a career - what I want to be doing.  Right?  Write?  So I want to be having fun, be creatively fulfilled, be learning for work - lots of fun and interesting things.  I want to be stimulated and I want to be excited and I want to be physically involved as well.  I miss doing comedy so much but how the fuck am I supposed to do it?  How do I have the time?  I am in the process of freaking out right now but let's use the energy for good.  I want to be super creative and work with equally creative people who are nice and excited.  Healthy and fun.  Stimulated, using my energy well, writing, performing, creating color.  I don't know what that means but that's what I mean.  I want to take a writing workshop at the Open Center but I can't find anything anytime soon.  Ugh.  Alright - well - okay - I had such a nice trip.  It was so gorgeous - soooooo pretty and healthy and fresh.  We went to the beach 3 days in a row and had fresh corn from the garden and - lots of other wonderful things.  My sister gave me the cutest navy and turquoise striped pajamas!!!  Oh my GOD - so cute.  I feel so blessed they are so close and that I have that to go to.  Time to continue freaking out.  Byeeeee Bluebie!!!  I miss you!!!!!

What are the questions of my ancestors?

So I always feel these ghosts and I have felt FOREVER the weight of my ancestors and the questions they needed answered.  But I don't know what those questions are.  How can I answer the ghosts questions if I don't know what the questions are?  I'm just saying.  Jeez.  Bye.  Clearly I'm bored at work.  Bye again.  I would still want to know what the questions are even though I'm bored at work - just to be clear.  Bye again.

Hate & Forgiveness.

Look I have hated Creepy for years for being Creepy and for not providing me for what I wanted from him.  Although it makes sense it's not fair.  I have hated Larni for taking advantage of me - but I let him and part of the reason why I let him was because I wanted him to do for me what I couldn't do or wasn't willing to do for myself.  This blog is about recovering from being a drunk but from also being a douche.  I'm in douche behaving recovery.  Ugh - but it's true.  Time to forgive them and me and time to stop caring what they think.  Why do I care what they think?  Is it passion?  Why am I writing this?  Is this helping anyone?  What the fuck am I doing?  Why would I care what they think when I am resentful of them?  This needs to be unbraided.  Untwisted, released, unplugged, let go of, cleaned up, forgotten.  I have got to have better things to think about and use my energy towards.  Plus it's so ugly and unnecessary.  I want freedom and I can't have freedom tethered to these nasty feelings.  JESUS!  Bye Bluebie - love you.  Okay - p. fucking s. they were douchey themselves and that sucks and I have every right to be upset about that.  Well - look has has let go.  Not.  Hate and then FORGIVE.  AHHHHHHHH - f.

Got up late for work BUT.......

(how's that for a teaser title???) - anyway - I got up so late - and I went to bed early but - well I wasn't hung over - I didn't do anything WRONG - I must have just been tired and I did NOT get upset at myself.  I made my lunch, took care of the dog - put on a cute dress, washed my face and went to work.  I am literally doing the best I can.  When I did wake up all I wanted to do was write, write write.  I can feel some kind of cellular healing happening now that I am in my own apartment.  I also - I don't know - I'm confused now that these women are here in the store........I just realized how hard it has been for me to love myself.  Or even for that matter to like myself or EVEN be kind and forgiving to myself.  Ugh - it's so true that saying - I would never treat anyone else the way I have treated myself.  What am I talking about?  I'm trying to be profound - that has never worked in the history of ever - ever.  I'm just so grateful to finally be beginning to live a sober life.  That struggle of - oh I slept late because I got high - I drank - I was hung over yesterday - blah blah blah - I don't have to fight that fight and now I can start to live.  I think I used to get hung over from being at Creepy's.  I had the weirdest dream last night about walking around this camp - like a ghost sort of - it was some sort of healing camp - rehab - I don't know.  There was this man laid out on some sort of swing - stomach down and he had on a mask and people were pushing him back and forth and saying "Trust!  Trust!!"  I was walking around underneath him while he swang staring up at him - it was so odd.  Then the swing stopped and they took off the mask and looked at him with anxious anticipation.  WEIRD.  I can also say this - being a victim is boring - hating myself is boring just like getting drunk got boring.  Trying to figure out what is going to happen is boring - trying to MAKE something happen is boring - I'm bored of being bored and being unhealthy is boring.  Okay - whatever - I just went to the bathroom and got filled with rage for some reason.  I guess it's not THAT boring yet.  Bye Bluebs.

I almost shit my dress at work today.

And I mean that literally.  I made myself beans on toast last night for dinner - which was so much FUN and then today - I don't know - the combinations of too many customers for too long and too much water plus the credit card machine wouldn't work so I was giving people clothes before I had really charged them - it was crazy - and then - I almost shit my dress.  The bathroom is under the dresing room and this woman was in there for soooooo long and finally I said "I'm sorry - do you mind if I just go to the bathroom - under where you are?"  She came out with her dress half on and the shirt she was trying on and she was like "Sure - sure - leeet me just get myself together here...."  She was so nice about it - but honestly I was able to help her and I had let her in the day before even though we were closed and she came back today.  Also - wouldn't you rather let someone go to the bathroom if they ask to?  Who would say that unless they REALLY needed to go.  Then she bought stuff!  It all worked out and I got the credit card machine working again.  I just made myself rice & beans for dinner and it was soooooo fucking good.  And FUN!!  And fast.  Holy fuck.  It takes just as much time to make food as it does to order it.  I can't believe how different my life is not at Creepy's.  I feel such bliss from being able to make myself rice & beans.  Then I went to the grocery store and got a new salad dressing holder, stuff to clean salad dressing etc. stains and ice cream.  I feel like a millionare.  I feel like I am leading the most amazing life.  All because I can freely make myself inexpensive food and I don't have to be stared at while I do it - I don't have to share it but MORE THAN THAT - I don't have to hear weird bullshit stories about the Dali Lama and Richard Gere.  Okay - wow - back to the positive.  We are all equal in the eyes of God.  I have to really think about that.  Me, Creepy, Angelina Jolie and that revolting man at the grocery store just now, are all equals in the eyes of God.  I really need to take that in.  Bye Blueberry!!!  Love you!!!

Salad Dressing Everywhere.

That should be the name of my book.  What book?  My book of poetry.  Great - let's write a poem.

Made my lunch and I felt perfect.
I got to work and there was salad dressing everywhere.
I cleaned it up and shopped for boots.
I didn't buy boots but I did fall apart.
Why do I hate all my old friends?
Why do I hate someone for posting 75 times a day on Facebook?
Why do I hate - why do I hate salad dressing?
I used to have a roommate that smelled like salad dressing
she had herpes
that didn't have anything to do with the salad dressing smell
she just liked to cover herself with olive oil
I'm uncomfortable and now I am wearing salad dressing
But it was a mistake.
I feel like I'm floating on my back in the ocean only - I'm at work.
Why am I sad?
I'm so worried about my job
I dropped the ball - I dropped the beach ball at my job and now I feel like I'm on a sad empty beach alone.
The bus out side says "Def Only" on it.
That probably doesn't mean what I think it does.
Oh poetry - you are so loose.
Just like my vagina used to be.
Only now I'm sober and my vagina is closed.  Just like the salad dressing container SHOULD
have been.  BYE.

Taking a break to drink some water.

Work has been crazy today - I got here and we had an inspection yesterday because the tax was set wrong and I was on the phone for 4 hours with Quickbooks.  The first guy - I could tell right away he didn't understand what I was saying - haha and then he discovered a different problem that he really wanted to fix and then changed EVERYTHING on the computer - because I had let him take control over it - and then I was like - UMMM - can I get someone else and he said "No."  Haha - it was insane.  He told me to figure out what I wanted and then call back.  Haa - seriously?  So I did call back and that guy fixed it in 10 minutes.  But the owner is not happy and for the life of me I can't figure out how these things happen.  Anyway it was very stressful and nerve wracking but I did it and I also went in and changed almost every single piece of jewelry to the correct tax code.  Trying to sell dresses while you are yelling on the phone to India is not easy I tell you.  The first guy was annoyed every time I said I had a customer!!  Piece of work that guy.  Okay yesterday I finally cleaned in.  The apartment is almost looking cute!!  It's definitely cleaner and more functional and my bedroom is cute.  The new sheets and pillows are awesome and I even took a bath and put on a mud mask.  I cleaned, washed, did laundry, went grocery shopping, walked in the park TWICE, cooked food, trimmed my plant, walked the dog 3 times - WOW.  It was fun.  I was so fucking overstimulated by the end of the night it was crazy.  I organized my files, threw out tons of receipts and mail....dishes.....everything.  Plus I drank water.  If I had sex and got to lay on a couch my life would have been mind blowingly good to me.  Really?  Hahahhaaaa - I'm not really laughing but I kind of am.  Lay on a couch - I haven't layed on a couch in years.  The couch at Creepy's creeped me out so much.  Ewww.  Oh - he didn't/doesn't want to be creepy.  But he is!!  During one of my walks in the park yesterday there was a group of nanny's and little kids - toddlers.  This one little girl had taken this little boy's hat and he was chasing her saying "Give me back my hat!!  You took my hat - give it back to me!!"  And she stopped - I'm not even kidding you - this little 3 year old - MAYBE 4 but probably not - she was little - she goes - with this sly little look on her face and her head titled - she says "Make me..."  And then she runs away laughing.  Ha!  I was like - well there you go - that's her personality and his.  He totally chased her!!  It was so cute.  I was like - wow - I have to take a page from her book - she's got it all figured out AND she's having fun!!  Okay - time to focus on the rest of this tax jewelry.  Byeeee Bluebie!!