At the boutique.

It's an absolutely beautiful day outside and so far the only thing that has happened is the ConEd guy came. I sent him away because he made me nervous and I'm alone. It was super weird. I asked him to come back on Friday when the owner is her and he just slowly shook his head no. Kind of hilarious but still weird. So I'm eating some cherries and I brought enough food with me for the day. If I don't spend any money while I'm here I will start to really be able to save money. Okay. The picture project for my parents is so intense. Downloading all the photos takes forever and there are so many years to go through!! 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, and the 00's through 01!! Maybe that's how I should group them. It's already 15 minutes long. I'm not so sure anyone wants to watch that for that long. I can speed up the photos. Kids, grand-kids, animals, marriages, and more animals. Maybe I should just stick to just them. What? I have no idea. There are just so many pictures. The crazy part is that I haven't even really done so many. I'm going to do a little research. I have to a lady is here. The ConEd guy came. He was a hunk. So weird. I made him nervous. Haha. I have to go - byeee Blueb!!

Sunshine and cigarettes.

It's early - 8:45 in the a.m. and it's a sunny gorgeous day here in NYC. I woke up (I think) because of cigarettes. I can smell them so intensely but I do not know where it is coming from. One of the guest rooms I guess. I wanted to open my shades early though to let in the sun for the plants. Flowering and berry plants need lots of sun and my best sun is in the morning in this room. I think the dog's leg is better - she was limping last night. She was stuck to her bed by her collar yesterday morning so I think she might have hurt her leg trying to get unstuck. But this morning she seems better. I just emailed someone at an agency who is looking for a female ukulele player. I am not going to my nephew's graduation tonight because it would completely stress me out beyond. I can't do everything. Now that the Miss Doggie's leg isn't so great I'm glad we aren't going. Shoving her in a bag right now would not be good. Okay so what else? I went grocery shopping last night and I got a delicious dinner from Whole Foods. I wasn't going to get groceries to save money but how sad is that? I got tortillas chips with chia seeds in them. I'm so excited to try them!! Therapy was great yesterday but the meditation meeting was a little stressful because I kept farting during it. Haha when we got up the girl next to me whispered while she wrinkled up her nose "Something smells...". I was like "Yeah...". How the fuck am I supposed to meditate and find God that way? Yikes - it was also hot as balls - holy shit. I have to talk to Her Lady Wonder - I haven't spoken to her in days. I've called her - we just haven't spoken. I want a boyfriend and I want my own apartment. I'm ready to move on. Now I just need to figure out how to do that safely and kindly. Oye yoi yoi - but also fun. A new adventure. I'm ready to move on past my past. Bye Blueb.

Monday June 13th.

Holy shit it's the 13th already!! Okay here we go. I have my coffee finally and I went to the store and got some things. I did laundry last night and I can clean up a bit later if I feel like it but it's clean enough in here. I got a strawberry plant in honor of my Grandma and it's springing to life in the window. I also got a pretty blue flowered plant - I have no idea what it is. I feel much more relaxed already although I was completely mean to the landlord and that makes me uncomfortable but also - ugh - he deserves it. I have therapy tonight and my meditation meeting and I didn't want to go but then I felt - I really - felt how self destructive that was. I need to go to the bank and I also need to get out of the house. It's a beautiful day and I deserve to take a shower and get out there and walk and find life. I just really get all twisted up so easily. I really do. Alright I am tired. I just had a great conversation with Larni. I just wish my creativity would come back - it's so strange - I don't understand. I feel like until I leave here I will never have the room for it. It seems impossible. All these things backing up inside me - it's very uncomfortable. I have to get ready for therapy. Bye Blueberry.

Fucking fuck.

I am all fucked up again. I'm so frustrated. I am tired and although today was great and it was fun it was still so awkward. I don't understand. I went to my meeting and that was not fulfilling. I walked and I was out in the sun. I took a shower and I walked the dog. I just - I don't know - I didn't meditate and I'm still so mad about getting locked out. I'm lost and I miss dancing. I really fucking miss dancing. I feel so stuck. I also feel like I have always felt which is like someone else is keeping me from being, doing and feeling the way I want. I just hate living here again. I don't know - I guess I'm being hard on myself and it is really hard to work 14 hours in a row - it's hard for anyone - not just me. There is so much "If only and if, if, if....." in my mind all the time. I just can't breathe here and it feels so awful to come home to and it makes me angry and takes all my energy away. I'm uncomfortable - so, so uncomfortable. Let's write a poem. It worked for Emily Dickinson.

My balls have been drained of their love and worship
By a snake devil dressed in ruffles.
By ruffles I mean potato chips and by dressed I mean
there is a dick in the snakes mouth.
My hate lies at the curb and drinks wine with pleasure,
My balls linger and watch while hoping the last drop of hope won't go.


That's not bad!!! Bye and by bye I mean good night.

I am having some serious coffee right now.

Holy cow. I have to get out of this house. But more than that I'm over it. I'm just done. He called me yesterday at the boutique because he said he was locked out. After I told him where I work, got the keys off the chain, went a little crazy about him showing up there (because he is crazy looking) - he calls and says it's fine. When I told him he locked me out he said he got a migraine and had to take a shower. I was like - um I left you in the kitchen and you were fine. I walked the dog and you were completely gone. Why am I writing about this? Other people write about giving birth and living and I'm writing about the crazy house I live in and my gay sex addicted landlord. Which he is and that's where they were when I was locked out and he was so high that he had no idea or didn't care. Okay anyway....yeesh. I worked 5 days worth of work in 3 and now I can pay more bills. It has been so slow at the comedy club - holy cow. Thank God for this new boutique job or I would be having a really hard time. OR a lot of homemade time. Homemade hair etc. I am going to shoot another video today - I'm excited - sounds like a funny one. Oh I need to read the new script. When it comes to money I see so much of my older sister in me. It's crazy. I want nice things but I don't want to work OR/AND I just don't want to recognize the reality of I can only have so much and if I overspend - I don't have money. I keep ordering food while I'm at the boutique. It is so much money wasted. I am exhausted but I think the coffee is kicking in. I need to get in the shower and do this. I should go to the bank before the shoot. This is my point about money. If I were EVEN better with it and I am better - so much better - but if I were even better I could move out faster. I could move out and for once in the longest time it would be a relief to come home. Not only that but I could make myself an egg if I wanted an egg and it wouldn't be the most uncomfortable, awkward thing in the world. I have to make my new vision board. This one has been amazing - it really has. Okay - oh dear. I might not be AS miserable and filled with rage but I am definitely still angry. Well Okay - alright - none of this was supposed to get cleaned up over night. It's not the dark years anymore and that is wonderful. The Tao says we have 3 treasures: Simplicity, Patience and Compassion. That is all I need today. To keep my 3 treasures near to my heart. Bye Blueberry - you are amazing.

Saturday at the boutique.

It's rainy so not so crazy busy - but I did sell some things already. I am tired as I got about 4 hours of sleep but I'm her and I feel okay. I just ate the hugest burger from Barking Dog. It was amazing. I shouldn't have eaten that - let's say - but I wanted it so bad. My implementation of will power can only go so far in these early stages. Pink had a baby. She looks like a giant, huge cow but I'm still a little jealous. Plus her husband is GORGEOUS - I had no idea. What am I talking about I'm jealous? Really? I can barely handle doing what I am doing right now. I just started to feel like I am a little bit in the world. She is in constant motion - what am I talking about? Okay this is where it is so obvious I am tired. I don't know how I am going to do 3 doubles in a row come the end of the month. Every week!! What - oh no - every other week. Hmmmm. I don't know. It's nice to get it out of the way. Who am I? What am I doing? I noticed a guy at the club eyeing me - or I could feel him watching me and I was so confused because he is married and he also has never really paid me much mind before. I also heard at the end of the night that his wife was pregnant and I still don't understand what was happening. I don't understand people. It is so hard to be so sensitive and yet so clueless. I just don't get people. I think maybe I will never have a relationship and that is just fine with me!! What a relief. After I wrote on here yesterday I walked the dog out back and when I cam e back to the house the landlord had locked and shut the door AND left. What a fucking a-hole. I'm just surprised he didn't shut the garage door. Please dear God I can live without a boyfriend but let me please handle how horrible that creep makes me feel so I can move the fuck OUT of that house. I walked RIGHT by he and his boyfriend in the kitchen - we even spoke. They both just completely blocked out that I was out in the alley and locked the door. He also didn't answer his phone and now his boyfriends phone doesn't work. I am living exactly the way I lived growing up. I really am. Especially when I was a teenager. No privacy, my creativity stifled and I also felt like I wasn't important. But I also felt a lot of pressure to help. What THE FUCK is THAT? Holy shit. Repetition Compulsion says that until I can handle the feeling I won't move on OR I will recreate the pattern the next place I go to. I feel repressed in every way at that house. Sexually (so of course creatively), comfort wise, privacy wise and safety wise. Invaded ALL the time. Well - huh - that's that's just the way it is I guess. I'm going to do some research right now. I wonder what the chances are I can actually change things? I am sober - that I have changed. This is different. I have to go look this up. This is very important boutique business. What? Byeeeee Blueb.

Duuuuuck, duuuuuck

Blogg!! Remember when I called you Blogg? That was my secret name for you. Haha - ohhhhh boy. I am trying to get my shifts covered for the weekend of my parents 50th anniversary. I slept well and enough - I keep using the central air at night. It makes the dog sleep with me all night also!! I have my coffee and I seriously need to meditate. My coffee has a tight lid on it so no spilling on the computer. I did my double yesterday and another one tomorrow. I could really use the night off but I reaaally need the money. I need to pay for my parents before the night party food dinner and my nephew's graduation present. Plus I still have to finish paying off 2 old bills. I will be done with one this month and the other won't be done until September. It's a beautiful day - lots of day noises coming from outside. Birds, planes, sirens, the drill of construction happening. There is ALWAYS construction going on in that alley and I swear nothing ever looks any different. My coffee doesn't seem to be kicking in but I know that can't be true. I had the MOST amazing salad yesterday. Here it was: spinach, dry tuna,capers,green olives, avocado, sprouts, Swiss cheese and lemon pepper vinaigrette which may or may not have been on there - I couldn't tell. I asked for it on the side and it wasn't but it did have a lemony taste to it. It was SO good!! I loved it. I have always loved old man food. Let's see I have been walking more and that feels good and still focusing on using my will power more often. Not about not drinking - I leave that up to You Know Who or You Know What or Whatever You Want To Call It. But as far as not eating mac and cheese all the time or with every meal or things like not walking, not praying - now I use my will power. I'm STARTING to use my will power. Seriously it works!! Who knew? I am not following every urge I have just because I have one. If I did I would have had buffalo chicken fingers and mac and cheese for dinner AND a coke. I also would have had McDonald's 3 times this week. None of that happened!! I had 3 regular chicken fingers for dinner and not from McDonald's. I AM SO BORING!!! Let's look at this time last year. Holy cow - I wrote on here on June 10th last year and I was very unhappy. I will take boring please. I will take a second helping of boring. Boring at lunch, breakfast and dinner. I will take boring for snacks!! Yikes that is SO hard to read how unhappy I was. Holy cow - okay - I'm not there yet but I am better. I'm going to read this next year (hopefully!!) and realize how crazy I am right now. Or I might realize how spiritual and well put together I am. Haaaa - not so fast sister!!! I need to walk the dog. Bye Blueb - love you!!