Holy hot balls.

My balls are sweating and the air is on in here!! My computer is fixed - I already wrote about that. I'm so hot I don't know if I can write. I left the window open and turned the air off at home - I hope the dog will be okay. It's very quiet at the boutique right now. Okay I will write later - my eye balls hurt also. I'm so happy to be awake and alive in the world though - working!! Bye bye for now Blueberry!!

I missed my blog so much!!

My computer and my blog - I had no idea what company they keep me. I was so sad and lonely last night.....ugh. I had Shake Shack tonight and it was amazing. I cleaned out my closet last night and discovered I bought the same pants twice. I had 2 days to bring them back before it wasn't okay anymore. So I did today. I got my computer back and they fixed the DVD player also. I am so much less filled with rage. I am slowly changing. Of all the creative things I love to do reading and writing are my favorite. I think I'm bored. I just don't know about anything. I'm doing the best I can. I've been walking all the time - it feels so good. I love to exercise. Since when? Always. I like the way it feels in my body. I have to go to sleep. Double tomorrow. But I might have Friday off again. I am so grateful and amazed at this computer being okay. Coffee isn't allowed here anymore!!! Jeez - it's a rule. My room is all clean, my sheets are changed and I have a cleaned out closet. See - I'm boring. I am a boring person. Who knew? I am a dull, dull person. I get a kick out of the lamest things. Go figure. Bye Blueb - I get a kick out of you - that's for sure too.

Whoooaaaa

right after I wrote that last post I spilled coffee all over my computer and the screen turned to stripes. what a crazy awful thing. I brought it to see if it could get fixed and I think it can be. So that is fantastic - I just have to bring him the screen to make sure that is okay. It has been so strange not to write on her - I have missed it so much. I seriously - what? I'm at the boutique so I am distracted. She never paid me until Friday so I still haven't gotten paid. He is itching at the bit for his rent money. Which he should be except for the fact that his boyfriend lives there for free and has his cousin there right now. So his boyfriend lives there for free and his boyfriend's cousin is there. What the fuck - it's none of my business. I should pay my rent on time no matter what. I can never plan again around her paying me. That much is very clear. The whole thing is making me sick to my stomach but okay - it will be okay. I have no right to be upset about who he wants to live or stay for free in his house. I can't wait to get out of here and go for a walk. I got a manicure/pedicure yesterday and she massaged my feet/ legs AND back and I LIKED all of it. Go figure. I'm healing. I would have never even a year ago been able to stand that. I also walked a long way to find a place that wasn't so expensive. It seems to be cheaper during the week. SO note to self - go during the week. This is such a boring post. I took such good care of myself yesterday. Better and better all the time. I found myself attracted to the most beautiful man - super sexy - I mean smoking hoooot. Turns out - gay. Jeeez. And bald. Gay and bald and I fantasized about him for 12 hours. Now I'm just confused. Hahahaaa ohh and big sigh. He looked at me funny when I left the meeting yesterday. I thought he was conflicted about his strong feelings towards me - turns out he was probably confused by MY strong feelings towards him. I have to peeeeee. Bye Blueb!!!

I'm so confused.

Okay so I get paid direct deposit from the boutique and it's supposed to be there today and it isn't. So now I can't pay my rent today and I am so not okay with that. This is very annoying. I also had the worst drunk dreams last night - it was insane. I have this one dream that is reoccurring and where time continues. So in this dream I have been drinking since I got into the program. At first it was one drink - a glass of white wine, then another then 3, all the while I was thinking in this dream - I have to go back and count days. So this dream last night was me getting a beer out of the fridge and thinking - who cares - I have been drinking this whole time? But it was a multi-layered dream where I also was so disappointed in myself and somehow there was a whole group of us trying to decide whether or not to say we drank again. I'm not making nay sense - this is awful. Just to be clear these were dreams - I didn't drink or do ANYTHING. I'm so confused. When I took benedryl I had drunk dreams but I didn't take anything - I didn't even want to yesterday. I worked both jobs and I went to a meeting. I forgot to call Her Lady Wonder but that's okay. I also spoke to Larni again. I told him I felt disrespected and blah, blah. He was so sweet and said how much he loves me, needs me and how important I am to the work. It was really kind of him and it's all good - he's a good person. I fucked up at the end of the day at the boutique and I think I locked her out. I tried to call her but she never called me back or replied to my email. I made the same mistake I made before also (with a receipt) only this time I fixed it. I really wanted to take the proof and the receipt with me but I didn't. The good won out in the end but I seriously didn't want to do that. I really wanted to do the wrong thing just to avoid her getting mad at me. Maybe that's why I had the drunk dreams. I did the right thing but it scared me how much I wanted to do the wrong thing. I even decided at one point to do the wrong thing. Yikes - not good. I'm so annoyed about this fucking direct deposit - so not direct deposit. I would get paid faster if she MAILED me a check. The dog is just staring at me - she wants to go out. Holy hardcore staring. Okay well I have to walk her and go do my service at this 12:30 meeting. Bye Blueb. Enjoy this beautiful day!!

I'm at the boutique and all

I want to do is order a hawaiin omelet and a giant creamy coffee. I have to say I am so confused as to my new disdain and lack of interest towards acting and comedy. What the heck? I just need to keep meditating that's all. It will all be okay. I'm going to just keep doing what feels good - that's it. It's such a lovely, windy day. I hope ladies come in today!! The second bird cage is built - hilarious. This beautiful black guy who I made out with once asked me for coffee. When I say beautiful I mean beautiful - he's sooooo pretty. He makes me look prettier that's how pretty he is!! Hahhaa - I'm not even kidding. I don't know that there is actually fire between us and I get kind of a player vibe off of him. I would go to coffee with himthough - for sure. He said the time we made out I told him I swallowed glitter during my show and I was afraid I would have diarrhia. Oh my God - really? It does sound like something I would say. Now I think I could actually just say - no. Okay - um - time to gooooooo and just sit here and wait. I am clean, with food and water. Amazing right?? Bye Blueb.

Awake early and it's sunny and

beautiful. I am having my coffee and I'm going to meditate soon. I really need that so much. Oh dear I feel uncomfortable typing - I feel as though the landlord is listening. I had not such great dreams last night so I woke up kind of out of it. Oh I just realized I'm very in need of prayer and meditation. I fed the dog and I just need to get myself together - I have time. These doubles are very stressful. The landlord and his boyfriend are getting birds. He bought 2 giant bird cages. By bird cages I mean palaces. They are ornate and crazy looking. The poor bird is going to be like - what the fuck?? I don't know - maybe that is exactly where a bird wants to live. Oh dear. One of the cages came in a giant crate - it looks like a person was shipped or an exotic animal. I asked him what kind and he said a canary. He wants to put a canary in a bird house made for the most spoiled 12 parrots. Hilarious. Seriously so ridiculous. I wonder if I can find a picture. I'm suddenly so turned off by show business. I'm so not into comedy or any of it anymore. How bizarre. I'm such a sensitive creature. Is that it? I just want to go to the beach and work. What? I don't know. Well right now I do know - I'm not into it at all. I spoke to Larni and it's all good. I was very nice and kind. Okay I found the birdcage - this is it exactly - it's an antique - he loves antiques. Seriously he must have been so fucking high when he got these things. He hasn't even put the one together yet that came in the crate. Jeez. I have to go. I'm very resistant today. Grumpers. Bye Blueb - thanks for being here.

Happy Wednesday!

I had a dream last night that I was talking a bunch to this guy who I work with at work - he's a comedian. He is married and I met his wife at the Christmas party and she comes in to see him from time to time. He is very cute and sweet but it is clear that he is married - which makes him even more likable actually. The dream found me liking him again and being attracted to him and for some reason we had to hold hands for a moment and within that hand holding I could tell he was married. There is just a slight energy change when someone is taken and it is very easy for me to tell. So I woke up so confused because I am not attracted to this guy - really - I just think he is a nice guy. He certainly isn't one of the guys that I freak out over and I also do NOT like married guys - that is not my thing. But here's what is true. If I were to meet someone I would like it to be a guy like him. I mean I guess that's what the dream was telling me. Anyway I haven't gotten paid yet today from the boutique so I can't pay my rent and for some awful reason that tickles me to no end. Hahahahaaa - I can't pay my rent - hahahaa. I could pay part of it but I don't want to. I don't think that is a good attitude. I meditated and prayed before bed last night, wrote in my journal and made a gratitude list. I also got a haircut yesterday and get this!! They give you a super long hair wash and head massage before the haircut and it was so totally wonderful. I really loved it. No way even a year ago could I have done that. It was so great and my hair looks really cute. He did exactly what I wanted him to do to my hair. The bangs are a little short but that's okay. That hasn't happened in years. The craziest part is that in, I think 2004, I went to this salon and got a haircut and it was amazing and I haven't been back since. The hair dresser I went to moved and opened her own salon and I followed her but it was never the same again. I just googled some stuff yesterday and found this place and then on my way I was like - oh is that the same place from 2004? How fucking crazy is that? It was a critic's pick and I liked what people had to say about it. I wore this outfit yesterday that I wore last year when I was fat still and it does not look right on me anymore. Yikes. I got an amazing night's sleep again - about 9 hours sleep this time. It was so awesome. Today I am planning to work on the picture thing for my parents, my vision board and exercise plus a meeting. I should call Larni somewhere in there and what else? I don't know - get myself ready for that double tomorrow. As far as work this week it's a little easier. 2 days boutique, hopefully 3 days comedy club. It's a little annoying not knowing when I am getting paid - for real. Okay - walk the dog then pray and meditate.