It's Valentine's Day Eve!!

Oh boy!! Someone sent me an actual real Valentine!! I mean my mother did - she always does - but a guy sent me a mixed CD and a card!! How awesome is that?? I LOVED it!! I wasn't the only one he sent one too but it was still very sweet and very appreciated. Work was crazy last night holy shit. I made good money since I did 4 shows and I could have made totally amazing money if I had some better sections but to be honest I made great money. I was able to catch up on my bills and I am almost going to be able to pay off the second half of that old bill I'm paying off. I have to work tonight and tomorrow night and then I will have 2 nights off and start all over again. I'm not going to get to do any shows this week maybe. Hmmm - the guy who is living here smokes and it goes up in my window. It's giving me such a headache. I got to sleep today so that's good - no washing machine. I am so fucking tired though. What else?? I have to go return these movies and go to the bank and get that meeting before work. What else? I have to rush kind of. Walk the dog - I need to wash my hair. I think I just got stressed out. Okay - now I'm not. I have to ask him not to smoke down there. It's okay - I can do that. Right? Bye Blueb!!

Hello Blueb!!

So I got awoken by the washing machine from hell but I went to bed earlier than I usually do so it was okay. I just talked to my little sister about pictures for my parents 50th wedding anniversary and I already ran my errands, walked the dog and made my bed. I seriously had too much coffee as I almost started crying talking to my sister and I am shaking right now. I also need to eat I guess. I guess? I DO need to eat Jesus. I wanted to write on here before I got distracted by other things and/or pass out. I made myself an eye appointment. I also called my friend in Ct. and asked her how her follow up doctor appointments were. I need to eat and pray/meditate and do some Yoga and shower. Holy shit I'm exhausted. I also need to take those movies back. Hamlet 2 was so fucking funny. Need to eat and take care of myself more. Byeeee!!!! p.s. someone is playing the recorder I'm not even kidding. CHRIIIIISSSTTT!!!!

My dreams have always been fairly simple

I think. I want to be a movie star (or something like that only have lots of privacy), have a house on the beach, a beautiful(inside and out), gorgeous, sweet, loving, kind, loyal and fun husband, lots of animals and tons of interesting, creative projects. Also an apartment here in the city and my own plane. I really want to fly. I have always wanted to do that. And if somehow in all of that I could manage to have a baby and figure out how to do that in a healthy way then - well - maybe. I have to say after going home this weekend I really don't know. I really don't know about kids. But I really have ALWAYS wanted a husband and a house on the beach and to be a movie star. Haha - that sounds so silly and so not that simple considering at the moment I am a waitress and totally single. But well - that's what I want. Those are the only things I know I want. I also have always wanted to be living a sober life and now I am FINALLY doing that. So that is amazing. That is really, really amazing and was at the top of my list. Next is to be living a super healthy, balanced life where I make my money being creative and awed at what is coming through me from the spirit of the universe. Now I'm working on that. I need/want now to figure out how to be performing around better people. Around better places. And to write SO sososososoooooo much more. I'm really not sure how to do this. I am completely out of money. I can't dot his again to myself it's too scary. It makes me want to eat sugar and lard. I have time to write right now - more than on here I mean. I need to do that. I WANT to do that. I also need to pray and meditate on these new realizations I've had. Creative expression, writing, singing, performing, loving a wonderful and AND myself and my family. I feel like I need to invigorate my spirit, dust it off and get INSPIRED!! Yes - for sure. Okay - I love you Blueb!!!

Compared to this time last year

things are much better. I have this blog and I have been getting onstage consistently. I went and saw my best friend this weekend and I saw my parents also. I am starting to pay off old bills and I pay my current bills on time. I also am in much better shape and I have a clean room and eat much healthier than I used to. I am trying to not be negative. However this weekend was really hard for many reasons and yesterday just got worse and worse even though I kept doing things to take care of myself and showing up where I planned to show up. I feel like I have a lot of selfish people in my life and I also feel like it is so fucking hard for me to take care of myself. I don't understand who I am or what I am supposed to do in this life. I am so totally unsure where I fit in or how to find happiness. Bliss. Awe and wonder. Forget about a boyfriend - haaa - big sigh. Especially because what I really mean is a husband. Fuck. I need to take a shower and go to a meeting, go grocery shopping and get a voice recorder and figure out how the fuck to get onstage at better places where I am inspired and feel like I fit in better. I also need to write. What happened to that? It would have been better last night if I wrote. Well this to shall pass. I'm in a lot of inner pain. Really?? So is everyone. Ouch.

Tired.

I got my period when I woke up. So of course I just want to cancel everything and go back to bed. But I'm not going to - I'm just tired - I'm not as sick as I used to get. It used to be a nightmare but now it's just a weird thing to have to deal with. It would be worse if I didn't get it!!! So there you go. I'm going to my cousin's to write again. I didn't do my homework. I'm going to do it on the train. It's about a 45 minute trip to Brooklyn. Ugh. Anyway - um - I don't know what to say. I feel so not sexy. I need to bring sexy back to me. How do I do that? I'm serious. I have been wearing all the clothes I bought while I was fat that were on sale and I couldn't fit into for the the longest time. Now I've lost some weight and I can fit into them but they are horrible clothes. Haha - I bought clothes that would have looked better on my fat body only I was too fat to fit into them and so now I looked like a teacher or an elf when I wear these clothes. Hilarious!! Not really it's depressing. Sooooooo. Sooooo I need to feel sexier and more you know sexy in my body. Oh I know - more comfortable!! Yes sexier and more comfortable. Oy yoi yoi. I'm so deep today not really. I have to go - long day ahead. Write, go to a meeting and greet for my friend, then walk to work and work. Get up and go to Ct. for a couple of days!!! She has 2 little kids - holy shit. I call the little girl Ramona because she is just like that crazy little girl Ramona Quimby from the children's books. I call her Romona and then she goes "Mona!!!" It's hilarious. Bye Blueb!!!

I slept 10 hours

last night and honestly I could go back to bed!!! Isn't that crazy? The snake doctor told me yesterday to sleep as much as I need to, really let myself focus on rest. Um - okay!!! Great - I will. I have been going to sleep a little bit earlier and then sleeping more. I guess really I'm going to sleep a LOT earlier and that is so much better and it feels so good. Totally cut down on the coffee - I'm back to one a day. I ALSO have been making my own sandwiches to bring with me and so I'm eating much healthier. I know I said I would never talk about it again but I'm so much less farty from not drinking so much coffee and eating pizza every 2 minutes. Go figure. I did 2 shows last night and they were very fun and I got some great ideas. I am really wanting to go up a level but these shows are so great for working out - I really am so grateful to be doing them. I wrote a little bit on the train ride home but I would really like to be writing so much more. SO much more. I will have to think about how I can fit an hour into my day of just writing. I have been able to walk, do yoga, eat good food, sleep. write in my journal, go do shows and take care of the dog now. I used to only call the weed dealer and drink beer and that was EXHAUSTING. So I think I can figure out how to fit in an hour (for now - just an hour) of writing a day. I also manage to watch a ton of TV shows on Hulu AND tons of shows and movies on Netflix. I guess I just figured out where an hour can fit in. I'm supposed to go see my friend in Ct. this weekend. I hope I can go - I would love to say hi to my parents also. Okay - I have to go and get ready for work - I will write when I get home from there. I had a terrible dream that everyone at work stole my truck I had with my ex-husband - but he let them do it - and they were making money off of it and didn't care at all that I was so upset about it. I was yelling and crying. I never had a truck with my ex-husband but still it was a very upsetting dream. Okay - now I'm nervous. I love you Blueb - let's focus on the positive!!!!

More snow is coming and/or

is here. I can't tell by looking out my window - it just overlooks the back driveway which has snow already. I'm pretty sure it's almost here because it FEELS like snow - holy cow. My alarm went off at 10:15 and I honestly thought I set it by mistake. It's so crazy that waking up at 10:15 is soooo early for me. My cold is even better today and I drank so much organic apple cider vinegar last night and this morning. I also had garlic stuffed olives - 2 jars between the last 2 days. I can only imagine what I smell like!!! Hotness. The show I did last night was lame. My friend wasn't there with me but it wouldn't have mattered I don't think. It really wasn't that fun and - ugh I had preconceived notions because the guy who was running it was weird the week before I thought? He does a weird character and ugh - I don't know. It's time for me to branch out. I need to write more and branch out. I also need to get my attitude in check. What else? I have to go - I have a meeting to run and i need dog food from the vet downtown. I'm just going to come home after that. It's going to be cold and sleeting - fuck that - I'm coming home and nursing myself more and WRITING!!!! Yes - writing - that sound wonderful. Find some more shows to do and meditate on it. Do some yoga. Rent is due. I have it so that is good and I paid my first half of that bill from 2007. I'm so fucking happy I am paying things off. I really wanted to do that and keep doing it till I'm done. I hope my netflix comes today. Bye Blueb :):)