Well here I am again - unable to figure out how to be authentically kind, from a kind place inside myself for longer than 15-20 seconds. I just start remembering "this" or "that" and think so myself "oh now you want me to be kind? Oh so NOW I am supposed to show up for you when you couldn't even be blah blah blah." Ew. Ew so much. Even writing that was uncomfortable and made me queasy. I am at some sort of turning point because the resentments and anger are not working but it feels so unbearably impossible to be kind. It's like I am holding onto for dear life, to my kindness! It doesn't hurt me to be kind. I don't have to do more than that. I can just be kind. I don't have to give more than I have to give. Agh - what?
I'm getting lost. I need to work on something and I think I am just getting distracted. That's all. I can be kind. I can be kind first to myself and take care of myself and then give what kindness I have to give without hurting myself. I believe it might be that simple. It's a beautiful day today - just gorgeous. I have taken really good care of myself. And as I sit here on the couch I am grateful that I am not hung-over. I'm not even hung-over emotionally and that is a beautiful thing. I'm very anxious about this thing I need to work on and I am not quite sure how I am going to pull it off. I will do my best - I can do my best. I can put my heart into doing my best. I will take care of myself and show up and do what I can. I mean I can do what I can by doing my best - whatever that ends up being. Lord I love a challenge! I really, really love a challenge. Okay let's get to this. Wish me luck sweet blog - xoxoxo!
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