PMS x Dead Dad (Anxiety + Low Self-Esteem) = Barf

Is that even a proper math equation?  What?  I'm a mess.  Yesterday was the last time I saw my father and when I woke up yesterday I felt like 1000 pounds.  I made it though the day somehow.  I cleaned the kitchen and I cooked.  I meditated 3 times.  I did yoga and I went to a meeting.  Okay.  OKAY.  I just spoke to my sponsor - no what?  Oh my fucking God.  I mean I spoke to my therapist.  Thank fucking God I have her.  I spoke to an AA friend this morning and she said I should go to therapy since the anniversary of my father is coming up and so it will be a difficult time for me.  I was like "Oh I have never STOPPED going to therapy - for 15 years!"  Haha - oh man how fucking nuts do I sound that I don't even seem like I go to therapy?  Ah it's okay.  She said to be nice to myself, my therapist.  To not beat myself up like I have done something wrong.  Do you know that's what the snake doctor says all the time too.  And I feel weird about my sponsor and my therapist said it's just me repeating patterns, repeating relationships, transferring stuff trying to work something out.  I feel sick to my stomach.  This is what I realized just now speaking to my therapist.......No one is trying to hurt me - no one is trying to be malevolent or unkind or hurtful - that's not what is happening.  My sponsor isn't trying to be harsh and she is doing the best she can.  It's so weird how much she reminds me of my father.  So fucking bizarre.  Or not.  I suppose that makes totally sense.  OKAY enough of this!  I have to do some writing.  We have the podcast tonight and I need to write something for it.  Jesus this is going to be a hard month.  I will feel better probably after I don't have PMS anymore.  I can take care of myself and be gentle with myself.  OR I can try at least.  Love you Bluebie bye.