Day 1822.

I am so tired lately but - well - I think I'm healing or something.  Anyway I have noticed how much my mind turns to being a victim - I know I've written about this before - but I really recognize it lately.  I see my mind doing it on the subway (I'm a victim of someone chewing - which is annoying but okay I'm no their victim), at the store (someone asks me for a lot of things and leaves the store a mess - again annoying but that's my JOB), ohhhhh and someone not holding the door for me someplace (WHAT is THAT - am I the princess of the fucking world or something???).  So anyway - holy shit I just prayed and meditated and I cried the whole time.  I feel so - like I'm breaking open and healing at the same time - it is so fucking bizarre.  Anyway I have to go to my meeting so I can continue to do my 5 things for this day.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Well - so the boring tale goes.......

or perhaps not so boring.  Maybe just right now it's boring.  Maybe right now it is BRILLIANTLY BORING and that is just fine.  I was so depressed the last couple of days it was unreal.  It occurred to me that I really am an alcoholic and suddenly that seems so overwhelming - or not - I don't know.  I guess I'm just shocked.  The good part is that if I ever decide to wonder if I'm not one I can just go back and read some of this blog from less then a year into my sobriety and see how truly batshit crazy I was - for proof.  I think I feel like I might be coming out of it a little bit now.  I don't have enough work or money but oh well.  I am not waitressing and I guess as slowly as my sobriety from drugs and alcohol came to me - that's how slowly my sobriety from waitressing will be.  I had no idea it would be so hard!  What am I even talking about?  I need more money and I have no idea what I'm doing.  I got wicked blisters on my feet which of one is now infected (in the most interesting and revolting way) from the shoes I wore to that interview on Monday and I can't seem to take care of myself anymore.  I didn't take a shower today and that's the second time this week I have done that (ha).  I can't seem to get out of bed.  My sheets turn into the most comfortable, soft, luxurious pieces of fabric - as soon as my alarm goes off.  It's like a magic switch.  Well anyway.  I don't know.  I keep going to meetings, calling people, taking phone calls - reaching out and calling my sponsor.  So.  Oh and the 5 things in general.  OKAY GOTTA GO DO SOMETHING - love you Bluebie bye.

BloatED.

Like a boat.  I look like a bloated boat.  Or like a woman who is 4-6 months pregnant.  I feel so gross.  I got my period yesterday and I could barely move.  I went on the interview today and it was okay but he told me to come back and explore the store and really see if I want to work there.  Then I went to work and it was SO SLOW and boring I almost lost my mind.  I mean I really felt fucking INSANE by the time I left.  I feel so fearful.  I need another job and for the life of me - how can I be so bored and when I think of waitressing I can't even move?   I feel so - STUCK.  NO - slow.  I just feel slow.  Oh WOW - the money was so confusing for the job.  Okay - look - my anniversary is next week and then hopefully I will feel better.  It's so crazy - I love him so much - I'm so in love with him and now I hate him because he took me on vacation and I have no money.  WHAT?  He paid for SO MUCH of it and would have paid for everything if I let him.  Okay - I feel like a spoiled brat.  I'm so lucky that I have sobriety.  I'm so lucky that I have a job where I get to be bored.  I'm so lucky to be FAT.  What?  Well I am.  Love you Bluebie bye.  ps I feel fucking CRAZY.

Suddenly stressed.

Okay I have a job interview Monday morning and I am FLIPPING out about it.  My friend told me I need to look AMAZING and - what the fuck is THAT??  Amazing?  I can look CREATIVE!?  How about that?   Jesus - okay - well anyway - I went to a meeting this morning and went shopping - which I can not afford to do but I needed to get something if I was going to look amazing.  I bought a cute dress, a purse and some sensible (barf) heels.  I'm really not sure about the shoes or even who I am.  What the fuck am I doing?  I just want a job and I want health insurance and I want to take care of myself.  Am I aiming too high?  Am I aiming in the right direction even?  I have no idea - I really don't.  Well anyway - I'm going to keep trying to get a real job and that's that.  I love you and I'm going to speak at a meeting now I'm no just a completely vacuous shopper.  WOW - I need to get my period I am out of my MIND.  Bye.

Hiiiiiiiii!

WELL - I am back from my vacation and it was UNREAL.  We got along so well and had so much fun and such a nice time.  I slept SO much and ate tons of yummy food.  Sounds great right?  We saw my sisters and went surfing (I almost died), snorkeled (with sea lions - for real!!), went to meetings and had lots of sex (WHO WOULDN'T???).  We drove down the Pacific Coast Highway and went to my birthplace where I felt nothing (that was weird).  Yesterday I was so sad to be back it was unreal but I went to my dance class last night and felt tons better.  Today I feel better again.  Anyway - well - now it's slow here at the store but I'm just enjoying it till the Fall stuff starts to come in.  Actually I can look for another job.  I have been trying to get more acting work but it's not happening.  I guess it's just not meant to happen which makes me so sad but - well - I don't know.  Everything happens for a reason right?  Barf.  Soooooo - okay I love you Bluebie and I missed you!!  Bye.

5 things.

I heard at a meeting over the weekend that there's 5 things that every recovering alcoholic/addict should do everyday.  I mean I guess I may have heard this over the last 5 years but I never "heard" it.  So - here they are.  1. Ask for help. 2. Call your sponsor. 3. Talk to another alcoholic. 4. Go to a meeting. 5. Say thank you.  Pretty simple right?  How could I have never heard that?  Did I already write abou this?  Is anyone listening?  I'm losing my mind about this trip and it is SO FUCKING boring at this store that all I have is time to worry about it.  BARF.  My shoulders are up around my ears - streeesss.  I guess drining more coffee isn't the solution but I'm DOING IT ANYWAY> AHHHhhhhhhAAHHHahahahaha.  Bye.

Cunts.

I hate cunts.

Sad.

I woke up kind of depressed and then it really hasn't gotten much better but also it hasn't gotten worse.  I don't know if it's the 5 years thing - supposedly reaching 5 years of sobriety is a tough one - or if it's - what?  I have no idea.  I miss my dog - I miss my acting class - oh my God - ugh.  What else?  I just feel lost - I don't know what I'm dong or where I'm going.  Well I know I'm going on vacation on Saturday and for that I am so grateful and super excited.  I just physically feel so fucking sad.  Well I felt like this this morning and I went for a walk and got a piece of pizza and I felt SO much better.  I think I'm going to go get a tea.  And some chocolate.  I have a wicked pimple on my forehead.  Bye.

Well.....

I'm home - it's 11:28 p.m. on a Sunday and I just toasted some walnuts with honey and cinnamon for my yogurt and I also toasted some pepitas (pumpkin seeds) for I don't know what.  I want to make some sort of snack for myself with them.  I just washed my face and I have on pajamas.  I had a really nice day - I woke up after a nice long sleep at the guy's house and I made us breakfast and I talked to my alanon sponsor.  We hung out (you know - hung OUT - what?) and then I came back to the city, went to an alanon meeting and went to an aa meeting.  I went to Whole Foods and bought apples and cashews and came home.  Oh I got some yummy brown rice shrimp rolls from there too.  I didn't get booked for any comedy this week and I was going to go on an audition but it was cancelled.  Ugh - so.  So I'm just here living in my life.  Which is wonderful right?  I just wish I was making more money and - well - I don't know - performing more - but I guess I'm not meant to be right now.  SO that's okay.  I'm just trying to take care of myself and be a loving, kind person.  Which works as long as I don't sit next to someone eating on the subway.  I can NOT help it - when someone is eating next to me - I will stare at them till they stop.  WHICH NEVER HAPPENS.  They never stop and most of the time they don't care that I'm staring.  God help me if I could just stop doing that I would think I could do anything.  Love you Bluebie - bye :)

Oh my God - I'm NUTS.

I am basically freaking out - holy fuck.  I am suddenly thinking that it is so fucking crazy that I am going across country with this man.  I don't know - or I am just scared to travel or scared to move forward or just scared.  I am at the store - I was so fucking late today - there were no trains - I had to take the bus then get on the train and then I was so lost in my book that I went 5 stops past my stop.  What even is that???  I had to take the bus downtown to the local train - which I think went express to the uptown local - to the crosstown bus.  WHAAAATTTT???  Oh my God - and now I'm here and I was an hour late - which is probably a miracle considering how I had to get here.  They asked me to waitress tonight someplace and I already have plans to go see my guy so I can't but I was so tempted to say yes - or to say I would do it in the future.  I didn't though.  I can't believe how hard it is to even get away from the mindset of it.  Oh boy.  Also - what am I doing with my life?  I'm really suddenly very lost and confused.  I mean that's what people think of me as - as a waitress.  He's not asking me to do comedy - he's asking me to waitress.  Ugh - and I could do it and I would be good at it.  I don't know that about comedy.  OR DO I???  Oh Dear LORD.  Also I just feel - lonely?  Okay - some lady just came in and was so annoying I wanted to kill her.  I really need to do something but what?  Gotta go love you Bluebie bye.

Stats.

Went to another skin doctor today - turns out the drunk one was right.  Well there you go on that one.  Got a mani/pedi, went  to a meeting - saw my sponsee, went and dropped off my resume at a couple of stores, looked at some other stores, bought a used t-shirt, went to therapy, bought some make-up from Rite-Aid - finally came home.  One thing that is different now that I'm sober and being more conscientious   is that I use all of stuff.  I ate the whole entire jar of blueberry jam I bought.  I usually eat some and eventually it goes bad.  I used ALL of the face powder I bought this time.  I actually usually use all of my make-up.  But I'm so much better with food - eating it all and not wasting it.  How have I not written her since Tuesday??  I trained another girl a the store on Wednesday and Thursday was busy.  I also have started - well - 2 other blogs now but it will just be one.  I'm so freaked out that we are going to California together for 9 days.  Holy shit how scary is that???  Oh my GOD.  Okay - well - fuuuuck.  I'm also super fucking excited.  Gotta fix my hair love you Bluebie bye.