I'm exhausted.

Last night waitressing was so fucking hard. I was so fucking tired by the end of the night I couldn't think straight. Here's the amazing part - I have 4 days off now. I have a gyno appointment tomorrow which is overdo and I have therapy also. I keep waking up to cigarette smoke but - well - what can I do? I washed my sheets - that's what I did. I needed to and my gratitude at having a washer and dryer right next to my room offset the smoke so there you go. I have such a headache - ugh. The smoke is worse than ever. I was getting really frustrated right now having woken up all discombobulated and then I read a quote about patience. That made me feel better. I also yesterday talked to my friend and she made me feel so much better. I talked to her about how I feel left out of comedy etc and well - she's right about a lot of it. I didn't want to be friends with a lot of these people anymore. Ugh - I can't wait to go to therapy tomorrow. I can't believe how sick I feel right now. It's like I can't handle caffeine anymore. I had an Americano last night and I turned bright red and was shaking - it was crazy. What the fuck with this smoke? I should just go buy an air purifier. Okay - I will try that. It feels like nothing is getting better right now. Oh my God - I feel sick and I still live here. I sent a message to an old boyfriend and said hi and I shouldn't have done that. Why did I do that? He didn't respond and now I need to tell my sponsor. I have to run some errands and I need to get some exercise and I REALLY need a meeting. Hold on I want to look at this time last year. I just read my posts from a year ago - the 22nd and the 24th....and I sound nuts. Not angry - up in my head - not in reality. I asked how come no hot guys ever liked me back?? What? That ex-boyfriend liked me back - he loved me and he's VERY hot. Holy fuck. I feel like I am going to the bottom of a canyon on one of those little seats attached to rope and because it stopped I thought I was at the bottom even though I was till floating in the air. Like "Oh I like being here at the bottom - it feels so nice and airy!!" Meanwhile I'm floating all clueless. Gross. What the fuck is going on? I've been so clueless and not in reality. Okay - just for today - just take care of today. Learn from today and do my work today. That's what I can do today. I'm getting closer to the botom and soon I am going to thud upon it and snap truley into reality. That is going to feel much different than the floating. I don't know if I'm going to like it. Bye Blueb. I suppose I should practice compassion for myself or at least be willing to have it. Right right be willing to pray for willingness. Yeesh - bye.