WOW.

Totally woke up - went and saw my cousin and her family, got a manicure, pedicure, massage, worked on my set - went to 2 meetings and then I waited at the comedy club for HOURS to do a 5 minute set at the VERY end of the night and it was SO worth it.  Amazing.  I was nervous too and I wasn't that great but I did it and I got a few good laughs which is actually a miracle since the audience - what was left of them was SO done.  I also got stuff to whiten my teeth.  The strips - that's what the dentist said to use.  I can't believe I got myself a mani/pedi.  I walked all the way to this salon on the lower east side where it's actually really cheap and they do a great job.  Amazing.  Then on my way home - I thought of the dog - I'm always thinking of her and I was just so sad.  Then coming home now - so not here.  It's so heart breaking that I'm doing comedy again for real.  Can you even imagine?  I just - I just can't be here so much - it hurt too much.  It hurts too much to be here without her.  But I am taking care of myself - except I am eating like a pig - I can't stop but I am walking everywhere - so.  So.  So I am super bloated but it would be worse if I wasn't exercising.. OH - REALLY?  I'm bloated but I just can't.  I can't not eat.  I'm too sad to be hungry - that's it.  Well - so there it is.  Holy fuck I am tired.  Long ass day.  Bye my sweet Bluebie - I love you.  Thank you for being here for me.

Just saw my dog walker.

He was really high and talked about his parents dying.  He didn't even say sorry about the dog - he just said "ohhh."  What was he supposed to say?  I just cleaned the bathroom and went for a really long walk in the park which helped a lot.  My old sponsor called and left a really sweet message.  I guess for every person who can't give there is someone who can.  I just miss that little dog in my life.  I woke up and prayed & meditated for a long time which is really hard with the cigarette smoke.  You know I really was able to remember this morning how hard it was for me to quit - how I couldn't quit for anyone.  It wasn't until I was dying.  I would wake up wheezing from the cigarettes - coughing - like an asthma attack.  It was really fucking scary.  It's a horrible addiction cigarettes - horrible.  Had me by the balls and clearly he as well.  I need to get some stuff from the store.  Holy fuck work was so bad last night - so slow - so - awful.  It is the weirdest thing - I am literally watching this old life of mine die around me.  No more crazy Bed & Breakfast, no more dog, no more working in the comedy clubs as a waitress (it hasn't happened yet but it will), no more crazy performance artist friends (I mean some are still my friends - dear friends but it's not my life anymore), no more drinking, no more drugs.  It's so fucking weird.  Also - also what?  What the fuck was I just going to say?  Sigh - I don't know.  I'm still broken hearted about the dog and I'm lonely.  I know - oh - I want to be able to travel now, see my family - live - be alive - have a life.  I'm sick of being and feeling poor.  I want abundance and joy.  Glory and - life.  I did imagine taking a shit on the stairs of the supers office.  There are cameras everywhere.  I think if I actually did that I would be so impressed with myself.  I would be in awe of my ability to do that.  HA.  WOW - I AM OKAY RIGHT??  I'm just going to radically accept where I am right now and hold on for the ride.  Keep taking care of myself.  That's it.  I'm going to see my cousin tomorrow - and her baby & husband and then I am going to go get a manicure & a pedicure.  More work tonight.  I wrote 3 jokes while I was in the park.  That's great right?  Okay bye Bluebie - love you.

I just simply do not know what I have to give.

I really don't.  What do I have to give this world?  What do I have to contribute?  How can I be of service?  I'm working so hard and I feel like I am running in place.  Not only that but I feel like I'm not helping - isn't that terrible?  I guess I should be happy that I even WANT to help - that certainly wasn't the case even - I don't know - last week?  Ha.  Anyway.  Slow boring day at the store.  I woke up in smelly smoke sheets and I talked to my sponsor who was basically annoyed at me complaining about it but not willing to say anything so I called the super and told him that his smoke was coming through to my apartment and do you know what he said?  He said "That's impossible - no way is smoke coming through to second floor - first floor maybe - second floor no way - and anyway first floor never complain so can't be possible - must be from outside.  Anyway - I'm only in there for 10 minutes at a time."  Right - there is no way I could POSSIBLE smell smoke between 2 floors - HA.  So I called and got an air purifier and I asked the man if he thought it would work - he said it would help a lot and he laughed when I said the super said the smoke can't go between floors.  SMOKE RISES - hello.  Can you imagine that I actually believed the super at first.  Anyway I got the air purifier and I said something - I'm glad I stood up for myself.  I was REALLY polite and kind too and I said thank you and have a nice day.  He was a turd about it but come on - HE TAPED my toilet together.  What is that even?  What in the world.  Oye yoi yoi.  Well let's hope I - what?  Now I'm scared he's going to do something to me because I complained to him.  Well - well I stood up for myself.  It's hot today and I can't see well.  My sheets literally smell like smoke.  Why couldn't he take at least take responsibility?  Because he is the type of man who tapes a toilet together.  I should just write a joke about it.  Bye Bluebie.

Mother fuck myself.

What the - what.  I am broken hearted and I am so fucking tired.  I need to amaze myself now - that's all I can say - I need to amaze myself.  I need to amaze myself at what I can do.  I never ever ever EVER thought I could get sober - ever.  Ever.  I couldn't stop drinking even when I was throwing up on the floor.  I would just puke on the carpet and then drink more.  Not kidding.  Do you know how much I used to hump the radiator in my bedroom at that crazy bed and breakfast?  A LOT.  I would just get so high, drunk - all horny on cigarettes and hump the fuck away.  That sounds nice doesn't it?  Hmmm - so romantic.  I miss my sweet dog so much.  I got home from this long double and bawled my eyes out - I miss her and she really feels gone now.  Big sigh.  I don't know - I feel so gross.  What can I do to amaze myself - get myself in shape - free myself from this - chapter of my life?  The chapter where I'm a victim.  Isn't that so sad?  I'M A VICTIM.  I hate it - I hate this chapter or I hate the ending of this chapter.  I need to mother fucking save myself.  I'm doing that gosh darn fucking 21 day vegan diet right after I get done with my period this time.  I'm doing it.  I have to do something.  I didn't get a dog today - and there is this one cute one who keeps popping up and he's only 3 months old and soooooo cute.  I can't afford him and I'm not doing it.  No - no - it's too soon and I can't afford one now.  I haven't even paid my rent for this month yet.  Okay - right.  Amaze myself.  Okay.  Operation amaze myself.  Feel confident - ugh - I couldn't even finish typing that fucking pepp me up sentence.  Gross.  Okay - Bluebie - love you good night.

Hmmmm.

I think that that man affected me so strongly because even though he is incredible attractive - I want to BE like him.  I want to do beautiful work that inspires people and brings them joy.  Yes - and I want to travel and see wonderful things and be part of amazing things and be - alive and contribute to the world.  In a gorgeous way.  I also want to feel sexy again.  What?  Ha - well - sure - why not.  K - bye.

Another thing......

I think being an addict - and active addict is like being autistic.  I was so lost inside myself - I couldn't stand being touched - I didn't want anyone near me.  I even felt that way well into sobriety - I was such an isolated mess inside myself.  Guess what?  Now I don't completely jerk away when people touch me - unless it's their McDonald's on my leg - and even THEN I just moved my leg away politely.  Every time.  See?  See - my life is so much better now.  It's so much bigger and I am so mess less horrible and weird to be around.  RIGHT????????  Bye.

I can not focus.

What in the world - who am I now?  What the fuck am I doing?  What do I have to contribute to the world??  I'm so confused.  The days are so much longer now and I feel so lost.  I just wake up so sick I miss her so much and I am literally doing the best I can.  I went and filmed more of that web series last night after work and then I went to a meeting at 10:00 at night - super weird meeting but I fucking did it because I do not want to drink.  The train ride home was so weird - sniffling lady(and she had on one of those shorts onsies and acted like she was a super model while she sniffled and rubbed her face - but she was NOT one) - the woman next to me was clutching a bag of McDonald's in her fist and staring straight ahead like a comatose victim for the WHOLE FUCKING local stops ride and it kept getting on my leg.  It didn't help that I was hungry and I love McDonald's - but I also hate it on my leg.  There was a weirdo hippie couple - young - oddly young looking red curly haired chick reading to her bushy, dirty bearded boyfriend in a fake British accent - SO ANNOYING.  It felt like they were on ecstasy.  She kept looking up and around all weird while she read to him.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I was reading but it was so hard not to take this all in.  Anyway I'm so confused - so lost - so without direction and I also feel like I have SO much to give.  UGH.  I decided my summer is for comedy.  I have to waitress tonight at the club and okay - let's have a good attitude - right?  How?  How do I do that?  Um - I don't know - I should go and do some work here - it's so quiet today.  Oh dear.  Hard times Bluebie - hard times but I'm here and that's okay.  It's really okay.