WOW. I just remembered I'm a liiiiiitle bit crazy.

I am completely trying to figure out if this male ballet teacher is gay or not and I can't.  I mean - I can - it seems as though he is very, quite gay but he was staaaaring at me with this really angry look on his face when I was walking out of the dance studio yesterday so now I think he loves me.  What???  What does that even mean?  Oh my GOD - thank you for giving me a sense of humor about myself.  He was slumped in front of the class in a really grumpy way with this awful grumpy intense look on his face and was watching me as I walked by and out.  He was probably doing what I do when I angrily stare at people when they are smiling and walking - wondering how the fuck they are doing that.  WOW - there are like 7 articles in the Gay City news about him and he lived in San Francisco and he's a ballerina for fuck's sake.  Not only is he gay - he is not interested in me.  Maybe he is.  Maybe he's googling me right now and wondering what I'm all about.  AM I SERIOUS????  No - not really.  Christ - I need to focus on something else.  Like LUNCH!!!!  Byeeeee Bluebers.

I just remembered I forgot who I am.

That's a hard thing to remember.  I totally forgot who I - am.  I just realized I'm not afraid of people and I'm not afraid of men.  I just remembered I'm not a wallflower and I'm not shy.  I am awkward and I get startled and flustered easily but that is something different.  I just remembered I'm strong.  Haha - okay I don't know if I believe that one.  Something about taking this ballet class has opened something up in me that has been closed for so long.  That I thought had died.  Haha - oh for fuck's sake really?  I'm going to try another class on Monday somewhere else.  I was still farty in class and it always happens right when the teacher comes over to adjust me.  Whoops!  I'm - what?  I ate almost a whole rotisserie chicken when I got home.  Plus the refrigerator/hallway light/bathroom light electric system is broken somehow.  I mean they aren't working.  They weren't working last night so I HAD to eat almost the whole chicken.  I'm joking - I only ate the legs, winf=gs and part of one breast.  So all my food is going to go bad - it already has - but I ate a lot of it this morning.  And just now I ate some blueberries.  Byeeeee Bluebie - love youuuuuu!!!!!

Self-care tip #1042.

Eat.  Drink lots of water.  Be as clean as possible and try to do this all at home where it's meant to be done - then you don't have to spend almost 13 fucking dollars on a yogurt, juice, toothpaste and toothbrush at a bodega.  I could have bought 3 toothbrushes and giant tube of all natural toothpaste and 4 yogurts at the grocery store.  Here's the blessing in the tale - I got to eat something healthy and I got to brush my teeth and now I'm not throwing bracelets across the room anymore because I'm so hungry and filled with rage and dirty teeth.  Guess what tonight is?  Ballet night!!!!  Time to heave my farting body into the air!!!  I won't be farting and burping tonight because I'm not going to eat Thanksgiving dinner before I go.  They are putting in a new restaurant a few doors down from here and one of the worker men is so cute.  Okay Blueberry - dare I say I'm more balanced now?  I LOVE you.  Bye.

Whoops.

I just farted and there's a lady in the dressing room.  Anyway - I realized to day how when I first moved in with Creepy his friend (and mine) said that I needed to heal there.  That moving in there would allow me to heal.  Which this morning I realized I was able to heal some bills and - okay - now I'm annoyed.  Why women come in here and try on 15 things that are not their size is beyond me.  I have to eat something.  Look here is my epiphany - I was able to heal my bills but I never healed my heart.  It never even occurred to me this whole time I've been reading and writing to heal my heart.  My mind is blown.  I'm so fucking annoyed right now - I'm starving and it's one of those days where women are really annoying but not buying anything.  Yesterday was an easy day - no work and plenty of buying.  Oh well.  How can I be angrily writing about trying to heal my heart?  My heart couldn't be less open right now.  Yeesh - or healed.  I guess it's not a gaping wound right now - my heart.  Draaaaaaaammmmaaaa.  It's not even noon.  I have to pee.  This woman is making me very uncomfortable.  Bye.

Balance - I just need balance.

That's it - emotional, physical and spiritual balance.  I've never thought about it really.  So much.  Add more to one's life and the balance needs to shift.  Balance.  Blueberry balance.

Ha - finally.

An older woman just came in and told me that someone who works here doesn't use deodorant and it smells VERY bad in here.  We were the only 2 in the store and I thought she was talking about some other time she was in here.  Then I realized she was talking about ME!  I said - "Oh I just ate a salad with onions - is it that??"  She says - no noooo nooooo - it is very bad.  SO I light a candle and I opened the door and then she had the balls to tell me if the onions are still here - she will take them out with her!!!  Haaaa - oh wow.  So when she was leaving she said bye and then told me she can smell the candle now and it's better and I said "Byeeeee - have a nice day!!!"  It felt like I was dealing with a 3 year old.  Take my onions - what the fuck is that?  At least it made me laugh.  She'll take my onions out with her.  Finally - I feel a little better.  Oops - now I just gave a woman 2 different sizes of the same shoe.  She left with one 9 and one 10.  Oh dear - at least it smells better in here.

My perspective is off.

I am a basket of nerves - I am so anxious and uncomfortable it's crazy.  I feel so lost and I feel so sad I'm not a Mom.  Why am I here?  Why aren't I with my family?  Why don't I have my own family?  I'm really a wreck.  I mean - I don't know - I have so much to be grateful for.  But my art is lost and I just can't seem to get it back.  I'm so confused - do I just need to accept it's gone?  I will never get that momentum back?  I'm going to stop writing right now.