Oye.

Why am I even writing this? I have no idea but I need to do something. i am already having a trying day. I didn't have time to walk the dog and the knife stealing lady is there. I asked Creepy if she knew her key could open my door also and he said she doesn't steal knives anymore. She does however take things from other people's homes, bring them there and when she leaves - takes them back to where they originally came from. Oh- okay - great - I feel so much better. So that is annoying to leave the house like that. I just had an image of her going into my room just now - very strong. I'm so nervous about class tonight - I'm having that "I just want to lay down feeling" and I also am nervous because I have a meeting beforehand. I'm also probably going through total withdrawal from the cigarettes no longer being smoked under my window. I'm just frustrated and made the big mistake of looking at myself naked last night. Oh dear GOD I thought I was going to die. Oh at least this is making me laugh. I mean do I really think that just because I walk a lot of places I will be in great shape? I don't want to do yoga because I don't want to see cellulite on my skinny legs and I don't want to go the pool and go swimming because then I see what my body looks like in a bathing suit and IT'S AWFUL. But what the fuck? How is it going to get better? I'm going to have to work through this next. I'm sucking in my stomach right now. My ego is blowing up right now - why? I prayed and meditated today and took care of myself as far as showering goes. I prayed a little before bed and I got sleep. I even took great care of myself before bed. Look I have no control over the knife stealing lady and one day I will no longer live in a crazy house where I have to worry about someone taking something but putting it back. Jesus. I'm just fucking frustrated. All I do everyday is work on myself and it feels like I'm not getting anywhere and my dream still feels like it's dying. So awful. Anyway on a positive note I am so lucky to be healthy and alive and that I have the time and resources to work on myself. I just need to breathe and nothing is topping me from taking better care of myself. I have to go - I need to stare out the window. Byeeee Bluuuueeebie.

Why was I trying to be nice???

Listen - Tall Not So Dark And Creepy left emails about trying to have sex with some dude and Princess Boris found the emails and freaked out. The whole time I was listening to him cry all I could thing was "Did you REALLY think this guy was faithful to you? Didn't you guys meet online and you were a hooker for him??" That and the fact that listening to a young, sweaty, crying hysterically Russian kid is so absurd. This kid smokes outside my window and drives me crazy and then has the balls to ask me to listen to him while he blubbers? I honestly - seriously - I don't care if it makes me a bad person - that is bullshit. And I did it!!! I listened to him and I even got him blankets and tried to make him feel better. But WHAT THE FUCK?? Do you know the craziest part? Creepy was BLAMING this kid for it. He told Princess Boris that it was his fault for being mean to him that he was going to have sex with someone else. Haaaa - oh that's good. I mean come on. I live in the stupidest soap opera. Remember that soap where there was little people and witches and like really crazy shit? This is like that only just gay and I don't have any lines. I'm a fucking extra in my own living situation. Now Princess Boris isn't here anymore. It just turned into a REAL soap opera because now someone is MISSING!!! He isn't missing - he told me he wanted to go to St. Louis. He will need money soon and be back. Okaaaay - I have to go.

Late at night writing.

Well - Princess Boris is gone - for now. They got in a big gay fight with lots of broken glass and broken gay dreams. He is in St. Louis with his cousin. But his cell phone here? I sent him a message on Facebook asking him if he was okay but no reply. I don't even want to get into how ridiculous the whole thing was and how they asked me to be a part of it and mediate. Complete insanity. I did so many good things for myself this week and that really made it hard these last two days to take care of myself. I went to the dentist and I started the process of getting a night guard for my grinding teeth. I've had 2 and they were at least $400.00 each and the dog ate both of them. So this time I went to the place here in the city where I get everything else done (doctor wise) and it's going to be about $150.00 total. Um - way different. I should have never gotten involved witht hteir fight and I never will again get involved in that shit. I also went and saw my cousin today and I should have waited till next week. It's so fucking hard for me to take care of myself. I just can't say no , put up boundaries and let people deal with their feelings. FUCK. Anyway - I bought myself a raincoat tonight from TJ Maxx - it's so beautiful - I mean as far as rain coats go. This should insure it never rains again. I have been putting myself to bed sooner and sleeping longer. I'm reading "The Happiness Project" and it's really inspiring. I went to see the Snake Doctor this week and that was good and tomorrow I am getting a hair cut. I fixed my hair so it is no longer orange and I also - what? I have no idea. I'm lonely and I still have a cold but it's getting better. I'm doing the best I can. It is so late now and I just need to ge my clothes out of the dryer. It never shuts off our dryer. You have to open the door or it just stays on for hours. I just have to take it easy. I need to get out of here. How is that ever going to happen? Jeez - okay - I went to an alanon meeting tonight. So bizarre but I felt better. Self-care - self-care. Byeeeeee Bluebieeee.

So weird.

So now I am here feeling more feelings and realizing how awful I am to myself and how much I dislike a lot of me. Ewwwwwww - isn't that so hard to read??? Ugh - anyway I'm working it out but it's very painful and I'm afraid I'm going to gain 5000 pounds. I can't do that to myself. I'm starving right now - I just ordered a burger. I did so much reading today and I did one exercise. I'm EXHAUSTED. I swear that smoke is killing me - but it isn't - my attitude is. I looked at a TON of listings today and I called someone and asked her how she got her place. So okay - I am getting someplace and you know what? I'm not going to feel guilty about getting a burger - I fucking deserve one plus I REALLY WANT ONE. So there. I didn't really do much here today at work - I was so out of it. I talked for a loooong time last night to someone who has really been through this and it is clear to me that this has to happen. Am I even making any sense? I'm also out of it from his cold that is still lingering. Lingering - I mean I still totally have a cold although I thought this (as I'm coughing right now) morning that maybe this cold is lifting. I'm still so sad about my Uncle and cousin. What about his friends at school? I just can't - it's so heart breaking. I just have some stuff I have to work out of the bottom of me. Isn't it crazy that I would even think for 2 seconds that having a relationship right now would be a good idea at ALL? Jesus. Well - okay in an effort to be nice to myself - of course I would want that. I am alive. I'm going to stop writing - I am nuts. I hope this burger gets here soon. There is dry cleaners across the street and the Asian woman who works in there always stares at me. She has a seriously big head too - big face head and I can say that because I have a big head. Jesus - even if I didn't - she does have a fucking really big face head and sometimes I look up and it scares me because it's just this big face head staring at me from across the street. She doesn't stop staring either - she doesn't give a FUCK - she just keeps staring. What the heck?? she does have nice cheek bones. I have to go - bye Blueb.

I have no drawers.

I mean isn't that strange? I just realized it - I have nothing to put anything in. In class he was talking about draining ourselves out and filling ourselves up with the character. I went home and I was looking around and I was like holy shit I have shelves but no drawers. It's so symbolic of me having no place inside of me even to put things. I don't even have a desk - I have a table. It's so fucking crazy. I deserve drawers. I deserve compartments to help make my life easier and cleaner. Neater - I'm pretty clean. It's amazing my room isn't a complete disaster. So crazy. I said that already. I woke up so mad about the cigarette smoke and I felt so sick and then I remembered the snake doctor said that if I find a way to get my power back over the situation - it will probably change. So I prayed and meditated and got myself ready for work. I really did feel better. I need to get my power back about a lot of things. Is this me being easier on myself? I have no idea. Today is a day where I feel like I am taking myself verrrrryyy seriously. I'm tired and I'm lonely. When is this cold going to go away? It feels like it hasn't even really gotten better!!You want to know the craziest thing? Princess Boris asked me how my job was last night. I was like - which one - even though I knew he was just asking because he wants me to somehow sell his purses here. His purses and leather teddy bear. He has never even asked me how I am - he was just trying to get me to help him. He was being really "cute" and giggling and now this is making my stomach hurt. I went upstairs after telling him I would show her some photos of his stuff if he wanted and he was already outside smoking under my window. How hilarious, sad and awful is that? Well the good part of this story is that I called this real estate guy today and he is going to send me more listings. I should go and work more here. Okay - bye - I have on a cute dress. Love you Bluebie.

Sunny Tuesday ....

I'm here at the store and I'm clean and - well - here. I had class last night and then I went to therapy, a meeting and went shopping a little bit. I was really questioning whether or not therapy was still necessary and now I am realizing how TOTALLY helpful and wonderful it is. Class was amazing and I talked to one of the other students for awhile before hand which was so great. I told her I was 40 and she almost threw up and then when these kids were working on a scene and talking about women in their late 30's she kept looking at me and nodding like - "Right!!! That's you!!!" Note to self - never tell a 25 year old how old you are. So anyway - regardless of my age or anyone else's - I love this class. The teacher is passionate and focused and loves what he is doing. He is also very attractive but whatever - so are lots of people?? Anyway I really feel like I went through something and I guess I will keep going through something. Last night in therapy she once again said the way past it is through it. He told me to not be so hard on myself - ouch. It's all so vulnerable. It's true though. So now this is another layer of self-care. Learning how to not be a victim and how to be nice to myself. Also maybe I'm going to add - not feeling so lost. How the heck can I do that? That feels like a lot of pressure. I can keep taking better care of myself though - that I can do. I did today by getting here on time. Okay - it's a process. Lots of learning - lots of learning that just simply wouldn't be happening if I was drinking or doing drugs or whatever. It's just not an option for me. Part of me was like "How am I ever going to be with anyone ever again if I don't drink - what will bring us together?" Well nothing will keep me me away from EVERYONE faster than drinking. That's all there is to it - and that's that. The cigarette smoke is still so bad at the house - I had a dream I got mad at Creepy about it and he just looked at me and said "Oh really - OH REALLY??" Which is pretty much what happened in real life. SO - there you go on that. I have no idea what to do about it - except to accept it and save my money to move. Princess Boris made a teddy bear out of leather yesterday and they were so proud of it. I was like "Oh that's great" and I looked at Boris and walked away. I don't have to be a bitch to them (and I'm not supposed to be) but I don't have to give him my heart and soul either. I mean are you fucking kidding me anyway?? A leather fucking teddy bear?? What even is that? I just don't understand and the reality is that if it was someone else smoking outside my window maybe I wouldn't care. Also I smoked for YEARS. I sure did - so I get it. I can't hang on to this or focus on it - I'm not around it right now so there you go. I just went in the basement and went to the bathroom and it REEKED of cigarettes in there!! How crazy is that? Well the best part is that I have on a bra that FITS and is COMFORTABLE. What - when does that ever happen? Jeez - growing up at 40 - holler!!! Bye Blueberry. Let's take it slow and easy. Let's try to take it slow and easy.

Still sick and I took

Benedryl and I'm not supposed to. It didn't even help to be honest - I'm so pissed at myself. Now I feel sick to my stomach from being sick and from doing something I'm not supposed to. Jesus - I feel like I am plummeting - totally self-destructing. I prayed and meditated trying to get myself back, was nice to the other girl at work and made my bed. Oh dear - made my bed. Oh dear - I'm freaking out. What if she wants me to start my day count all over - re-start this whole journey? I don't think I can do it. I told her because I was trying to be - was being rigorously honest. This cold is kicking my ass. I made so much money at work last night - more than I make on a Saturday sometimes. So crazy. I held on loosely and it worked out. I just have to hang on to this loosely. I need to go pick up my pictures and go to a meeting then walk to work. I don't want to do any of that - I want to lay down and worry about myself. Somehow that is probably not the right choice. I'm near the end of this book and she says "we may struggle and kick and want to hide our heads in the sand" and "if it feels too comfortable, too natural or too easy then we aren't growing and we aren't doing anything different." So I guess - no the answer isn't to lay down and hide or run away and hide or just - lay down. Oh dear - oh my dear - I'm a mess. Bye Blueberry - I love you.