Oh dear

I'm upset all of a sudden. Or I'm just upset right now for this particular reason I'm going to talk about. What the fuck am I doing? Seriously - what the fuck am I doing? I'm so not doing anything for comedy, acting or living. I'm suddenly completely frustrated and do you know what I was obsessing about before?? Making enough money tonight to buy fucking boots that I don't even know if they will look good on me AND they are $200.00. Am I fucking kidding me?? Fuck - I'm jealous and confused of people who are living and performing and OUT THERE. Christ. I got so mad at work last night that I called the bartender an asshole. I was like - "You know what? You're an asshole - fuck you." Then I found out he had a baby earlier in the day. How the fuck was I supposed to know that?? Then he said sorry later (because he ate my table's pizza and that's what started everything) and then I started crying and he showed me a video of the baby and she's beautiful. And I'm jealous that he gets to have a baby. Ugh - I'm lonely. And I have to be honest (not that you are asking me to be) - I am worried I am going to be lonely and alone for a long, long time - like forever. That maybe my dreams won't be realized and that the highlight of my week and weekends will consist of me buying things or making enough money to eat what I want for the week. I need my power back. Sometimes I confuse desperation and aggression with power. Inside of myself. I really do. I think because I'm going fast and pushing and all FAST I think I'm in my power or in some way going to 'get what I want.' I believe that real power is not aggression based. I'm already tired. You are an amazing listener Blueberry. Bye bye for now.

Jury Duty is done!!!

The case was resolved!! I got out of Jury Duty by actually going to Jury Duty. Now I'm done for at least 6 years. It took 12 for me to serve in the first place but I did it. One more marker on the road to growing up. I'm soooo grateful it worked out like that as I was stressing out so so SO much. Anyway here's what is going on. I finished reading a play that - let's see I was going to call her Wonder Fabulous but she's so delicate. Lady La Paon - yes - that's what I will call her - I LOVE that name - she writes plays and I finally finished one last night and I loved it!!! I am so impressed. I am amazed and inspired that someone can actually finish something!!! And it's GOOD. I would actually love to use some of the monologues in it - that hasn't happened in years. YEARS. So I'm also - what? I don't know - on my way to the park to play a dead body in a video and it sort of makes me nervous so I'm trying to make fun of it. I feel so much better knowing that Jury Duty is done. I need to get in the shower and walk the dog. This is a boring post buuuuut I will be back with more drama and strife FOR SURE!!!! Love you Blue.

Holy SHIT

I went to Jury Duty and I have to go back Thursday and see if they need me for a trial that will be a long one. That sounded vague. I will go and see Thursday and until then I am going to try to enjoy my days off and get my shit together. Here's what I learned today while in sobriety, healing and growing up. The first is that it isn't always fun to do the right thing nor is it exciting or even interesting. It is however a thousand times better than the alternative which makes me sick. I was grumpy today and things didn't particularly work out how I wanted them to but it was so much better than being wasted or even just hiding. I went and got a gelato cone - my favorite flavor which is malted milk ball - and guess what? NOT A SINGLE MOTHER FUCKING MALTED BALL. Not ONE!!!! I couldn't believe it. I kept eating the cone thinking it would be so funny if there was only one and I got down tot he bottom and NOT ONE. What was I going to do - ask for another cone? The girl told me she was new and the manager looked like she was in trouble from the owner - or something like that - and I just decided it was still delicious anyway. And it was. I went to therapy and that was so great and after therapy I went and got DVDs of me performing from years ago. WOW. Not as awful as I thought and in fact - I can be present and as a DOUBLE fact I'm not as shy as I thought I was!!!!!!! Guess what else?? I'm always a little bit dishonest - a liiiiittttle bit not quite totally telling the truth because I'm afraid of it. Afraid that I won't get what I want if I don't manipulate the truth to be how I want it to be or how I think it should be. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ARE DISHONEST AND IT'S SUCH A TURN OFF. So what the fuck - WHO cares?? Who cares what the truth is - it is what it is. All these things seem so profound to me and then I start writing on here and I get embarrassed. Of course honesty is the best and most interesting thing but it is also really hard to get to for me sometimes. I just don't want to do the extra effort of really getting down with the truth. I want to float at the top all up in my head and be all bull shitty. Well fucking BARF. I can't KNOW that and then do it - right? All of this stuff that is coming out of me - I'm detoxing. I'm detoxing from bad food now and I'm detoxing from all this emotional CRAP that I have been carrying around with me. All these negative thoughts, ideas and weights. Just weights and bags full of garbage. Wow. I feel like I am going through withdrawals again - it's so crazy. I really do. I need to be nice to myself - really, really nice to myself. These really feels like I am breaking off a layer around myself. A crusty, rusty, STIFF and gross shell. WEIIIRRRDDDD. I need a good night's sleep. Thank you for being here Blueberries and Dreams. Maybe I can really dream again. Talk to you tomorrow!!!

Happy Sunday

Blogg - it's almost Monday. I've had quite a day. A good day actually. I got to sleep late and Cretona didn't wake me with the type writer. Then I walked the dog and went to the meeting and I shared which I was so scared to do but I'm glad that I did. Anyway then I went to get some groceries and I got myself a nice piece of salmon and some rice and came home. I talked to Her Lady Wonder, watched Step Up and then walked the dog again. Sounds lame but considering how upset I was after work last night it seemed an amazing feat. I have no idea how to spell that word and I can guess for sure that it isn't 'feet.' Anyway I chatted with an old friend last night and she was so sweet - very supportive of my artistry. THEN I spoke with another friend tonight who was also supportive. I have jury duty in the morning and I wish I could say more and be more profound or interesting but I'm tired and I need to go to bed. I think the overall lesson to this blog entry is that I love dance movies and I always will. Um - I also am so grateful that I walk away now when I get filled with rage. Most of the time anyway. Okay - I love you Blueberry Blog.

Hi Blog

Ahh - I wrote Blogg by mistake and I like the way that looks. Blogg. Haaa- that will be my secret name for YOU on my Blueberry Blog - Blogg. Okay - anyway - I shot another film yesterday and it was really fun and it came out great. It was tricky also - we started on the 7th floor and ended up in a garden - all in one shot. Amazing. So anyway - here's the ridiculous thing that is happening. I talked on here about how I don't need a guy or attention - or maybe I just said a guy AND one of the men who I like - let's call him Sweet Fingers - I was thinking maybe he did like me after all and guess what?? NOPE. Wrong again and even worse - I CARE. Christ. I am ridiculous. And now writing this I feel a little sick in my stomach. I really just wish I could empower myself and not care what people and especially MEN think about me. Not in a mean, bitchy way - in a healthy way. A "focused on me, my art and well being" way. Oh my goodness. It's really distracting. Well - I don't know what else to say. I feel stupid and a little sad. How come no one ever like me back that I like. Or how come no one HOT ever likes me. Haha - that's funny. Funny that I think that way and that I'm writing about this when I was all - NO MEN FOR ME!!!! Well I guess it's time to get back to that original idea. Was I just saying that so a man would come around??? Like a threat to the Universe? Well if I was being passive aggressive it backfired big time!!! I have things I need and want to do ttoday and it's also a work night. Oh Blueberry my heart is so fickle and desperate. What a way to be. Bye for now - I love you. YOU I love - I know with all my heart and soul.

Guess what???

I put together a bookshelf by MYSELF!!! I even put the back on backwards and unscrewed the 40 screws and then put it back on the right way. It also still has another piece up top that is on backwards but honestly I would have to take the WHOLE thing apart and I can't do that. I mean it literally won't come apart. Anyway I like the little quirk of it - I did it and I love that funky backward piece. I know it sounds ridiculous that I put together a bookshelf but I never thought I could do something like that without a guy. It's HUGE!!! Holy shit and it also had tons of screws and tons of "cam lock system" things and it all seemed so male and abstract. But I loved doing it - it was fun!! It was like baking only with furniture. Also the last time I TRIED to put together a little dresser I ended up super gluing the whole thing shut - permanently. But I also got high in the middle of making it. Oh boy - I just realized while putting the bookshelf together that I'm not dumb - I was just drunk and high for a long time. So I am more grateful than ever to be sober and to be able to do really kind things for myself. I also tested my own blood type and it turns out I'm O positive which is soooo fascinating to me. I naturally have always wanted to eat the way that it recommends for my blood type to eat. It just seemed so weird. Also - I should be exercising A LOT more and A LOT more vigorously. It's helping put another piece of the puzzle together. The puzzle of me that is. That sounds obnoxious. It was fun doing that test also. I had to prick my own finger and mix blood on this thing called an Eldon Card. So weird and awesome. I always loved doing science experiments. So anyway I'm doing okay and I'm growing and healing. I'm much better after going to therapy Monday and when I got home the bookshelf was here (in the box) and Cretona had carried it up the 4 flights of stairs for me. That was so nice of him!!! I said thank you 2 different times. So I love you blueberry - talk to you soon!!!!

Cretona woke me up again today

this time with a combo talking loudly up and down the stairs, banging the dryer door in the laundry room, turning on the stereo AND playing the piano. All at 10:00a.m. And I didn't get to sleep until 4:00 a.m. and by the time he started playing the piano I lost my shit. I threw my pen at the door to my room like 5 times and that made him turn off ONE of the stereos he was playing music on. I didn't realize at that point that he was playing music in 2 rooms (yes plus the piano). Why don't I say anything? I really have no idea what to do. I live in a HOTEL - he has to wake up early to give the guests breakfast and by 10 I guess it feels like 3 in the afternoon? I'm really tired though and I just get filled with venom when I am awoken that way and then it ruins my day. I am all fucked up in the head right now. I already wrote in my journal and I tried to calm down and it didn't work. i walked the dog, went and got eggs and more coffee and I feel like I smoked pot. the rage is like a drug - a drug I didn't want to take. When I came back with my eggs I turned down one of the stereos so right now it's quiet. This isn't funny at all - I'm getting crazy from not enough rest. I talked to myself the whole time I was walking the dog and getting eggs. I'm walking around by myself in Harlem pissed off and talking to myself about him. Because of course as soon as he sees me he wants to CHAT and acts all wounded and hurt that I can't even look at him. If I LOOK at him I will shoot venom out of my eyes and/or FREAK THE FUCK OUT which is NOT A NEUTRAL thing to DO!!!!! I feel like I'm losing this battle with myself. I'm being so hard on myself and I feel like my day is ruined and I don't know. He is probably trying to drive me crazy so I will leave. Well on a positive note I have made it through 12 notebooks reorganizing my jokes. That's a good thing although it's really hard to read these journals and see how crazy I got. How and where it really started to go wrong. Maybe I just can't be honest as a person. I'm going to work on this next notebook - what is the cleaning lady joke?? I can't for the life of me figure it out (remember it) and it's on tons of the joke lists. Bye Blue.