Food.

I cleaned out the fridge yesterday and I cooked what was there to use it up before it was going bad - plus I was sad from working Saturday night and I needed some cooking therapy.  I made candied walnuts with honey and cinnamon, hard boiled eggs (I'm going to make egg salad today), made hash browns with blue & regular potatoes, made over easy eggs, caramelized onions with Vidalia & red onions, fresh guacamole with organic garlic and Vidalia onions and I ate the guac with blue corn chips.  Then I went to 2 meetings and felt SO much better - went to Whole Foods and got some things and came home and made spaghetti & meatballs in a red sauce with kalamata olives and ricotta cheese.  It was fucking unbelievable.  I had green olives stuffed with garlic for an appetizer and this amazing Hagen Daaz ice cream for dessert.  I felt like I was going to die after the ice cream.  So I'm eating my way through this sadness but I am also walking for an hour in the park everyday so - soooo - sooooo wow.  So I'm going to have to bump it up to 2 hours if I keep eating like this.  I just love to cook - it makes me feel so much better.  And the fact that I do the dishes is mind blowing to me.  Okay - I need to go in the park - I just worked with my Alanon sponsor and then I need to do laundry and figure out about my writing hours.  Is this so boring of a post or what?  Who cares.  Love you Bluebie.

I need work hours.

I need to structure my time so I have work hours.  I got so much done when I was waiting on set working on that show - I had these hours I just worked.  Okay - so I am going to do that.  Set up some work hours for myself where I just write, write write.  Okay - cool bye.  Not cool - it's hot - this is hot - it's hot outside and my work hours will be hot!!!  Fuck yes!!!  Bye Bluebie.

Birthday goals.

WHY NOT??  Here we go - this is what I want to do in this next year - this is scary but FUCK IT.

1. Write 2 books.
2. Get in amazing shape.
3. Save a shitload of money, pay of my debts and move to California or someplace where I can breathe fresh air and live right near the ocean - the gorgeous, clean, beautiful ocean.
4. Take amazing care of myself and my loved ones.
5. Get new, amazing, soul feeding, FUN jobs that pay me more money than I ever imagined.
6.  Keep letting my programs grow.
7. Create work where I am of service to the world while doing what I love to do.

That show that I saw last night (I had to stop with the goals it was making me nervous) was so wonderful and it made me think of how - how when one creates amazing work - that another is allowed to lose themselves in - it's SO generous, so loving and of such SERVICE to others.  It really is - it's such a gift.

8. Find love - real, wonderful, mind blowing yet feet on the ground love.  Haha - yeah.
9. Figure out what the fuck is up with that lampshade store.
10. Quit waitressing and TRUST that I will be taken care of (SCARY!!)


Bye.

96 Degrees.

Holy fuck!!  That's hot.  I'm at work and I have the lights down low and the air on.  I left the lights off till the air kicked in and now they are on low.  I refuse to sit here and suffer.  It's my birthday and I am making the best of it.  No one is out and about anyway - just a few dried up , grumpy people.  It's so sad - isn't it?  I feel like we either need to keep growing - constantly or just dry the fuck up.  EW.  I don't want to judge - but I don't want to be one of those people.  One lady who came in here just had that vibe of "I am not going back inside today until I make someone miserable."  Ha!  So weird.  I'm not sure what to do with myself.  I submitted myself for the few acting jobs they post on the weekends, I put on make-up, I looked at Facebook a million times.  Um - I don't know.  I ate too much but I stopped.  I wrenched my back getting a pair of underwear out of the drawer.  Ha!  Just to make myself feel a little older on my birthday - hurt my back picking up the lightest thing in the world - a pair of UNDERWEAR.  Jesus.  I used the air purifier last night and I thought it didn't work but my eyes look much better today so I think it did actually.  So that was a wonderful gift I gave to myself - that and I got new glasses yesterday and she gave me a prescription for drops to help with the irritation.  Which I have to pick up still because they didn't have it yesterday.  I just couldn't bare being home today without the dog - I miss her so much and it's not stopping.  I guess it never will but for now - it really hurts.  I have on a cute dress I got for 20 bucks from the gap and I'm doing my best.  Physically I feel better than I did last summer - less toxic, less bloated - less gross.  I have my apartment (as smokey as it is) to thank for that.  I can eat better and walk all the time in the park.  Okay - so I don't know - who knows what this year will bring - but for this day I am sad about my dog and grateful to still be sober and I feel blessed to have people calling me and sending me wishes for my day of birth.  The day I share with the Dali Lama and George Bush Jr.  So fitting.  Bye Bluebie - I love you!!

Whelp - I'm about to be 42.

That's right - the perfect age for fucking.  What?  I don't care - I love it - I finally don't give a shit what anyone thinks and I'm finally old enough to realize people lie and I can listen to myself and that I have more to offer than just a fucking hot body and some hair.  Don't get me wrong - I would like to have those too but self respect - self-esteem?  Whatever it is - I'm glad I'm getting to have that now.  I was thinking on my way home that - ugh - suddenly now - cigarette smoke.  What is - okay - I bought an air purifier but I think it can't handle the onslaught of smoke.  Anyway - being sober is one of the number one things I have always wanted in my life and I am finally starting to feel better.  I mean physically - I miss the dog still beyond but - I have been walking tons everyday and it helps.  I can't do this - I'm too fucking hot and the smoke is so gross.  I have to rearrange this room.  I had a lovely night - went to a weirdo, amazing, mind blowing, hilarious one woman show and then got a slice of pizza, walked around by myself and came home.  I have a double tomorrow and hopefully one day soon I will never have to waitress again.  Okay - I feel bloated bye.  Love you Blueberry.

Well and so.

Here at the store - at my job at the store.  I have been working on my comedy for my show tonight.  I took really good care of myself and went home last night and made myself dinner.  The meeting was so good - I felt so good after I left.  I went to an alanon meeting too but - well - I don't know - it's so sad there - I never feel THAT great but I still feel better after those.  I have a burger here - I just have to eat it now.  Bye.  I'm going to be 42 on Saturday and what I am going to do is do that vegan 21 day diet for my birthday.  Yeah - well - I guess it's supposed to be vegan & raw but I think that might be asking too much.  Maybe gluten free too.  Sure - why the fuck not huh??  I am nervous about tonight - there is a comedian I am attracted to on the show.  I mean I think I'm attracted to him - so - well there you go.  UGH - this is SO fucking hard trying to get back into comedy - it's not happening easily at all.  I have to eat my burger.  Love your blueberry face.

Just swept up dog fur.......

and I could not stop fucking crying.  I swept under the bed and I knew there was dog fur but it hurt so much for some reason to sweep it up.  There were also 2 little dog bones - ugh - she used to love those things but in the last year she faded away from them.  I'm so sad - I miss her so much - I'm so sad she had to suffer.  I think I really have to calm down - I'm about to get my period and for some reason the cigarette smoke is especially horrendous today.  It's raining - is that why.  I sweat since I asked him about he has just smoked MORE.  That's okay - there is an air purifier coming.  I just changed the sheets, swept - made myself breakfast and lunch - went in the park, prayed & meditated - wrote a tiny bit - submitted myself for things - worked with my alanon sponsor.  How can I still be so sad - how is there time for it?  I called my parents - married for 52 years today.  52 fucking years - can you even imagine?  My birthday is on Saturday - my Mother keeps asking me to go home but I don't want to travel without the dog.  For 10 years I have brought that dog back & forth with me.  Smuggled her on Amtrak and carried her on Metro-North.  I am flat out fucking heart broken.  Okay - I should think about it - maybe I should go to my parents.  Okay - I'm going to lay down for a minute before I go to therapy.  Bye Bluebie - love your blog face.