Finally going to get some sleep...

It's almost midnight and I'm home.  I just took a bath and it was glorious.  I don't have much to say I'm so exhausted.  I worked today and I did my best, went to a meeting.  The guy came to work with me and we laughed while I put my make-up on.  He is such a funny.  I can't even tell you how excruciating it was to write that sentence.  I am telling you - this level of growth is so awkward, slow and rather excruciating.  Being good to myself feels like I am cutting myself.  That doesn't make any sense.  It's just painful.  I was never a cutter but I did pick my face and chew the inside of my mouth - for years.  The face picking I got over - the mouth chewing has gotten better lately because - I have no idea why.  This is so boring.  I'm being a pussy.  I paid my rent today - how amazing is that?  I need to do some yoga and go to bed.  I WANT to do some yoga and go to bed.  Difference.  I love you so much and I have no idea who you are.  Bye Bluebs - till tomorrow.

Start the year off right....

that's what my friend said.  I'm so tired at this particular moment I can't even tell you.  I have tired forehead.  I need to go home and rest.  Take a bath, do some yoga and put a mud mask on.  I also - what?  I don't have much to say.  I just wanted to make sure I wrote a little bit today.  I wrote in my journal and I think I will go to a meeting and pick up that book from Barnes & Noble I have on hold.  I will go home and take care of the dog and do my best to take care of me and the apartment.  I am so tired.  I smell cigarettes here all the time.  He smokes and do I care?  NOT AT ALL I LIKE IT.  What the fuck is that?  I danced and sang a little bit here also.  I want a creative year.  Risks creatively.  I'm taking a Creative Writing class.  I have a website I would really like to be able to work on.  Do.  Have.  Stand-up.  I miss it so much and I am so scared to try again.  To REALLY try.  Is that it?  Or do I just not FEEL like it?  I just want to lay down.  Every time I waitress I think to myself "If I can work this hard at this job - I can work this hard at something I LOVE."  It's always in the back of my mind.  Okay - I straightened out the store, I drank water, I stretched, I loved, I posted on Facebook.  I'm ready for 2013.  I love you still and always Bluebers.

Hiiii,,,,

2013 is almost here!!  What a year - holy fuck.  I am getting ready to go meet him to run errands and see a movie.  That's fun right?  He really makes me laugh.  I can't write anymore about that.  Weird is all.  I told him my therapist said I was emotionally stable and it just occurred to me how INSANE that sounds.  I was  bragging that my THERAPIST said I was emotionally stable.  Whoa.  Weird.  Ha.  Okay - let's do this day mother fuckers.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!  Happy 2013 :):)

I'm sitting here.....

waiting for the boy to show up.  The boy who is a man.  He got called into work in the middle of our date.  I came back here and tried to put up these shelves I bought weeks ago and they fell down.  The wall is a mess and has a lot of holes in it so I stopped.  I cleaned everything up and I decided to try again never to put those shelves up.  They are cute.  Cute and dangerous - it hurt when they fell on me.  I could NOT work anymore tonight - I was happy to be here.  This week was crazy between working both jobs and Christmas.  I feel like I am going to cry right now.  I am so confused.  What am I doing?  Is this crazy with this guy?  Why am I waiting for him?  Because I like him but I want to lay down.  I did lay down.  I laid down and slept for a couple of minutes and then I went upside down and did some mild meditation mixed with obsession.  I love this laptop.  It's on my lap.  I'm just exhausted.  I should play my ukulele.  Can you believe it someone else here fucking smokes.  It's not as bad.  How is this so boring?  How am I waiting for someone?  I'm so happy to be home.  It's quiet, I did all my laundry, the dishes are done, the bathroom is clean.  I cleaned the humidifier and that is going with essential oils in it.  THIS IS SO BORING.  I'm scared and bored.  Oh that made me laugh.  Scared and bored.  That's some sexy shit right there - some seriously hot, sexy shit.  The dog just fell out of her bed and it's a half inch off the ground.  I just want to have kind, mind blowing sex.  That's all.  I'm fighting a cold and insanity.  WHAT AM I DOING???  Bye Bluebie - I love you and I miss you.

Look at me.....

Shut the fuck up I am typing on my laptop and I figured out how to make it wireless.  Hold on - I'm going to go in the bedroom and see if this works.  Holy shit!!  Wait - I'm just typing - that doesn't mean the connection is working.  THIS IS SO FUN!!!  I'm wireless!!  I am getting rid of the computer that I bought with my ex-husband!!  That's sad.  It was a sad thing.  Another sad thing happened.  A woman I used to work for died.  She was an alcoholic like me and when I met her she was sober and then she relapsed.  It's so so so sad.  I found out at work last night and I really was so upset all day today - especially because I didn't get to pay my respects.  I loved her.  I want to get in touch with her son - he must be devastated.  Ugh - this day was tricky.  I went Christmas shopping and really - why would I wait until December 23rd in New York fucking City to go Christmas shopping?  Yeesh - it was insane everywhere!  The trains, the streets - everything.  I did it though and I got myself to my meeting in midtown which was also insane.  I want to do comedy again.  I miss it so much it's heartbreaking.  I'm such an emotional mess.  There was no heat when I woke up today and it was okay - it's not to cold.  I prayed & meditated - did all my things and then got all naked and went to turn on the hot water and realized that if there was no HEAT then there was no HOT WATER.  Fuck - I reaaaaally need a shower now.  A shower, some yoga and I need to do more stuff for this computer including the warranty and I need a case for it.  What?  I also need to put up these shelves and organize a bunch of shit - papers and that stuff over there on the counter.  This is so boring.  I don't know - I'm a wreck.  I love you Bluebie.  If I wasn't sober I wouldn't know you.  Bye for now.

Thursday.

I did my hair, toes and nails last night at home and it was amazing.  I still haven't gotten enough sleep and I'm overstimulated but it's ok.  I'm at work - so that's good.  I feel poetic - maybe it's all the Christmas songs......

When I was Young we waited at the top of the stairs till we were allowed to come down.....

I always wondered what my parents were doing.....

Now I realize they were just avoiding us.  And perhaps drinking.

Who can blame them???

5 fucking kids at Christmas????

I really love my family

Despite what it seems like from this poem.

p.s.  I love you.

BYE BLUEBIE!!!

Holy Emotional Untangledness......

Um - what?  I'm so emotional today and yet - somehow - I feel more untangled.  I really do.  I still feel the tangle - but it's less - all this work I do everyday is starting to slowly untangle the tangle.  Let's see - the owner came in and then a bunch of ladies and now it's 2 hours later.  I just realized I'm a wreck today.  I haven't gotten enough sleep for a week.  I only got 5 and a bit last night and that doesn't really work well for me.  There is someone else in here.  I miss writing on you.  There is shit everywhere in here and shit everywhere in my house.  I have serious cleaning to do and I'm working 2 doubles in a row and then once on Saturday - plus class Friday.  This is so boring but I LOVE YOU BLUEBERS!!!  Bye.