Sign of growth.

I got home late Saturday night - 3 in the morning - from work. I went upstairs and was going to go right to bed but decided for some reason to put my stuff away - I don't remember why. I just realized during that somehow that I didn't have the keys for the boutique. I knew I put them in my pocket when I locked up and went to the comedy club but I couldn't find them.....I dumped out my purse - looked in my coat pockets five different times and knew that were not with me in my bedroom. They didn't feel gone but I knew I didn't have them. I had taken my house keys out of my pocket to get in the house and realized I must have pulled them out at the same time and they had to be on the ground out by the house. So down the stairs I went at 3:30 in the morning in Harlem - completely exhausted - to walk down the block to find my keys. Guess what? I found them - sitting right there by where I must have pulled out my house keys. I was so proud of myself for some reason. I would have never even known until the next day that I lost my keys if I was still drinking. I must also say that if I had just put the keys in my purse in the little pocket I usually put them in I would have never had them in my coat pocket to be pulled out of to begin with. I am so tired - I can NOT work Mondays - fuck that. I was so annoyed at getting up today and I didn't shower and I feel so gross. Plus I spend money when I am here - it's so stupid. Food is so expensive around here. Okay - Okay - so I don't have to work on Mondays!! I can't wait to go to bed. Am I growing? Am I changing? Today it doesn't feel like it even though I said there was a sign of it. Oh DEAR. I did get a lot done yesterday - I did my hair, my nails, cleaned and did laundry AND I walked and got to a meeting. Okay - I need to stop writing now. Bye Bluebie - love you.

Today I learned the lesson of action.

I woke up so tired but with a little extra time because of Daylight Savings Time. I managed to get up and get myself to the bank so I could put my savings back and to - ugh - how emberassing is this - change in my change. Well - I did it - the money is back and then I got the few things I needed from the dollar store and Duane Reade. I really wanted to just sit but - well I get why action works. What? I'm so tired all of a sudden and I still need to get ot my meeting and I have to work in the morning!! I also think I might go get some food with people after the meeting? I'm so tired - I'm going to fix my hair real quick. Bye Bluebie!!!

A new nephew!!

Born at 12:30 last night - I have no details - just that he's kind of little and was about 3-4 weeks early. My sister got preeclamsia so they had to induce her - sort of scary but I guess al is well. Wow - so crazy. She has 4 mother fucking kids now - amazing. I have none. Also amazing. So I'm here a the store - I swear to the good Lord above that I can not keep working this schedule. I'm okay right now - sort of - but I would be a lot better if I got enough sleep and if I could have washed my hair. I also didn't get to walk the dog. Aw - poor thing. I just lie to myself and pretend like it's raining and that's why I can't walk her. Ugh - it's so awful. I guess it will really just be one more week of this really - maybe 2. Lord. well so here's the thing though - I REALLY needed to work last night and I did and thank God I made a little bit of money. So. I just hope I get to work all the shows somehow tonight and then I can get back on track money wise. The week after next I am getting new pictures - or at least some pictures taken. I'm looking forward to it. I really feel like it help get me present to how I am right now. does that make any sense? My head shots are 10 years old - literally - I mean come on. Okay - so it's scary but I'm going to go for it - have fun and just do it. I should figure out some stuff for that - clothes, make-up etc. It's so quiet here at the store right now. Also on the street. It's quiet today so maybe that's why. Okay - I just made another ammends and it's so clod in here!!! Bye Bluebie!!

Good morning.

It's amazing that it's still morning. there was a time not too long ago that I would be drunk and sleeping still. Or even worse - awake, hiding in my room and drinking left over warm beer. Oh lord - so sad. I just have to be so grateful right now that I am awake, showered, fed and I have on clean clothes AND I am working. Jesus. Oh my GOD - unbelievable. Okay - so today is a new day and I worked on myself, worked at my other job and felt better by the time I got home last night. I have to figure out some kind of budget for myself where I can only spend a certain amount every day. I already know I have enough to pay my bills with the 2 jobs and I've paid back bills and I have been able to save a tiny bit - but then I spent that on my rent. Now I need to figure out more CLEARLY how to save. Really save. Don't spend it save. Okay - so after I am done writing on here I will do that. I just need money for food, some clothes and travel. Ugh - I don't want to do this. I guess that means I should. The thing is that the up and downs of money contributes to my mood swings. I get paid or I make money at the comedy club and I'm all "Everything is okay - I have money - woo-hoo!!" Then a week or 2 days later and I'm like "I'm poor - why didn't my parents take better care of me??" What - that is so fucking RIDICULOUS!! I get so upset when I am left without the money I need and it isn't necessary. I just like having money - being able to buy whatever I want and not really think about it. But I do NOT like having to count change out of my piggy bank to take a car to work. I do the same thing with my time. I have very little time and then I decide to write on my blog before work. It's not really - honest somehow. I mean - I'm lying to myself. I'm not rich - haha - I'm not even MIDDLE FUCKING CLASS!! I am poor!! Ha - okay - I'm not as poor as I WAS but COME ON!! I want to look pretty and feel good and guess what? I can do that with less money - it's the truth - I know it and you know it. Well - okay - it's the same thing I keep thinking about being creative. No one is stopping me. I don't need more money to be creative. I need to just DO it. More untangling - this is all more untangling - fucking a. My life is abundant!! I don't have to be RICH to have an abundant life. Lord. This is another layer of the onion also. There is this deprivation THOUGHT process that happens in my brain all the time. I'm not making sense - or maybe I am - I don't know. I don't like it that's all. I don't like that I am forced to be creative financially. Okay - I have to stop writing - I'm getting crazy in my head. The reality is that if I had a TON of money I would be just as not okay as I am right now. This is about me and my soul and my inability to deal with reality and my disease. Ha - what? Is that true? Okay - I'm going to figure out a budget and be nice to myself or at least try. Bye Bluebie - love you.

Oh WOW.

As I was leaving the house Tall Not So Dark And Creepy told me that a mutual friend has had a nervous breakdown. She thinks bugs are coming out of her ears and nose. Yeesh. It upset me - I called my sponsor and she said I am bottoming out on letting other people make me feel the way I feel. I'm not sure the wordage she used - I was really upset. I guess she's right - someone else is always to blame for me getting upset. Someone else is always controlling how I feel. Ugh - this is so hard. I feel so uncomfortable and I am so ready to - what? Move? I don't know - I don't want to feel like this anymore and I ugh - well - I have to do the work I guess. I'm so tired right now. It's so hot in here - of course. It was FREEZING and now it's hot in here again. So dry. So if I can't blame other people for how I feel - who can I blame?? Ha - oh and BIG SIGH. Some old lady just came in here and demanded I give her the owner's cell phone number. She said they live in the same building. How rude is that? She was pushy AND rude. And she SMELLED. Gross. So now here we go - another stupid layer of the stupid fucking onion. Couldn't they use a less disgusting smelling vegetable as an analogy of healing? Fucking a. I'm so upset. I have no money saved again after paying my rent on time. Hopefully I will make it back this weekend and be able to put the money back in my savings. I'm just sitting here - not doing anything. I'm going to research this feelings bullshit. FUCK!! Bye.

I'm so late.

I am supposed to be at work right now. I totally went to sleep at 2 in the morning and I woke up at 9:00. I kind of don't care. I'm so tired. I hate this job - why am I doing this to myself? Ugh - I know why. It's better than waitressing. Ohhhhh dear. Ohhhh boy. This is already a nightmare today. Boris has already smoked outside my window. I paid my rent on time and then I swear the landlord has been such a jerk ever since. It makes me so sad that he's so gross. I heard them having sex last night. IT struck me as so odd. I was just like - wow - they are fucking each other - wow - ew and wow. I don't get it. He smells, has bad teeth and is really aggressive - like in your face. How is that sexy? Haha - I guess that's why Boris is fucking him and I'm not. He thinks those things are REALLY sexy. Ew. Fucking ew. Wow - I am sitting here typing and at best I should have left for work already. Maybe this week I can say NO when I mean no and take care of myself so I can not end up like this again. I did well yesterday for the most part - although that one friend of mine - lord. It just upsets me and is very toxic. It's really hard to take care of myself. Alright - I have to go - I can write more later. Bye.

Okay - here we go!!

I did a show last night at a hostel - it was crazy! It was like college dorm - so nuts. Tall Not So Dark And Creepy must have people coming - he is cleaning really loudly. I have to go get my rent. I am rested - I got enough sleep. I am so ready to do more shows - how can I make that happen? I learned once again this week the hard lesson of sometimes I have to hang up the phone with people and I have to say no. I'm not sure how to do that exactly - well I guess just by doing it. I feel like he is listening to me type but I can't stop that from me being creative. I did my morning pages before this and that was so great - and quiet!! Very peaceful sound wise. I was having such a bad day yesterday and after therapy, a meeting and a show I felt SO much better. I really did. I keep thinking of moving forward. I honestly - this is so hard with him up here - the pressure from him is unbearable. Haha - WOW - what the fuck? I will write more later - it really was an interesting day. Bye Bluebie!!