So depressed.

So totally mother fucking depressed. I feel so hopeless and just - what's the point and so - trapped by the past. I don't know - duped? I can't even write anymore - I'm so sad. Ugh - what's the point? I really don't know what the point of anything is. I think I really just need to move so I can at least be in nature and get some relief from that. I can look at the ocean and the pain in my heart will lift a little bit. I'm just so heart broken that nothing has worked out and that my last - ugh - who cares.

Fuck what a day - what a week - what a million

lessons learned. Resentments hold me back and I have no room for them and can't afford to hold onto them. I am starting to feel things I have never felt before - a level a realness I have never experienced and it is scary as shit. I have the nicest, most caring therapist in the world. Her name is Miss Jones. That's her real name. She stayed an extra 25 minutes with me tonight. I could not stop crying and I was very, so very upset and in pain. I'm going back on Thursday. I also learned and I actually HEARD Her Lady Wonder when she said that "other peoples craziness has nothing to do with me." Also I learned that unfortunately people are - well - crazy. Ha - well - okay - there you go. Not only that but I work in a toxic environment and I also live in one and it's very exhausting. I have to find a new job. I just have to take some actions. I cleaned tonight - everything. The whole room, bathroom, dogs ears, clipped her toenails, dusted, Windex, vacuumed, did my laundry and changed the sheets. And it all got done in a reasonable amount of time. Each time I clean it's easier. My therapist said each time I go through intense emotions and if I keep talking about them - the impact of them will be easier. I had no idea that this is what recovery was going to be like. I have turned down a new road. Now I actually want to recover and be healthy. What? I mean - ugh - I don't know. This has gone so far past "If I get sober I will be famous and get a great boyfriend." And I'm learning how to take care of myself - for real. I also am learning if I don't take care of myself and do for others because I don't want to "hurt their feelings" or even worse take the effort to take care of myself and say no - I just get resentful and then the poison starts flowing in me. I really don't know if I'm expressing what I want to say. I'm completely shocked at the level of emotions I have and how hard they rock me. I'm also shocked at how shitty people are. They don't want to be shitty and none of the people I work with OR live with know what I'm doing anyway. But I really get that if they feel things the way I do - I can see why they don't want to try and behave differently. Growing is very, very painful and difficult. But I suppose it will get less so as I go. Perhaps the more it flows the less rocking it will be. Jesus - okay I need to take a shower. It's 2:07 a.m. - why not??

Another comedian died.

Holy shit - and we just shot a little movie with him just about a month ago. Holy fuck - I'm in total shock. He was in recovery and he was really great and he was a fucking AWESOME comic. He really had his own voice. Holy shit I don't know what to say except that if I died and it was my time to go I would be leaving on such a down swing. I honestly don't understand. I can't believe I just made his passing about me somehow. Fucking A. It's like I just run into this wall of - just - misery sometimes. I feel stuck, trapped, like a loser , like I'm in chains of stuckness. Like I'm in a cast of mud. Like my whole life and brain is cast in mud. Than I get exhausted. I watched Seven last night. I'm going to go ahead and say I need to stop watching these movies. Jesus Christ. I had a dream last night about this apartment and it had all these bathrooms and while my boyfriend and all these other couples were out going for a walk I went to use one of the bathrooms and there were toilet seat after toilet seat after toilet seat covers but no actual hole to go in. So I went and used this other cute girly pink seated toilet in a different bathroom and then this girl came and said it was her bathroom but it was okay. As I walked out of her bathroom to go back to the rest of the apartment (which was HUGE and had all these interesting hallways and rooms but very cozy and girly) I looked behind me and realized there was a door that led to an Olympic sized pool and I said to the girl "Oh!! You are right near the pool!!" And she said "Yes we can walk right through that door and go swimming - it's so great." My boyfriend in the dream had a beard and mustache and was really fun and nice. I think he was kind of burly - chubby?? A bigger guy or just definitely a dude and he and I really seemed to love each other and be laughing and hugging and kissing a lot. I'm leaving out the parts of the dream I didn't like. I'm going to look up toilets and toilet seat covers now in the dream dictionary. Oh Blueberry may he Rest In Peace.

I feel totally crazy.

I feel totally insane. I really do - I just - I don't know what is happening with me and why am I writing about it on here? I just feel fucking full of rage, hate, upsetness and distrust. I swear to fucking God am I never going to be happy? Am I never going to feel okay for even a day straight? Now I'm wide awake and it's 3:16 a.m. I'm so stressed out and I never have any fun. I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself . I'm just upset and I feel like I'm not supposed to be. It's like I'm fucked no matter what. I think I'm going to get in bed and meditate. I just wanted a boyfriend and I felt like maybe that was going to happen somehow and it's not. I am also upset because I can never get int ouch with Her Lady Wonder and I really - she never listens to me anyway and I feel like I'm always - settling with her. Or I don't know I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of all of it? What's the point? Really what is the fucking point? Nothing has changed. Maybe a few things have changed but I have - no control. Whatever now this is upsetting me. I'm just - whatever. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Please God help me find my way.

Welcome Sunday.....

it's nice to see you. As I was falling asleep last night I tried to think of all the things I did right during the day. I fell asleep before I could really get a solid list together. But when I woke up I was thinking how a year ago I was hobbling around - especially when I woke up in the morning and when I would get out of the cab after work. That is much MUCH better now. I'm feeling much less sore and I can walk around just fine. I am going to write on here and then I am going to call about that next overdue bill. My rent is paid and I started reading a book the other night "Think and Grow Rich." I'm going to keep reading about it everyday and any other books I need to read about becoming successful. It has occurred to me that the reason why I don't "know" what I want is because I'm afraid to say what I want and because I feel like I don't deserve what I want. Well the better I take care of myself the less I feel that way. I MISS doing comedy and I MISS being funny. I want to be funny and creative and colorful and healthy. I want to be passionate, helpful, kind and strong. I want to be fully alive in myself and let the Tao express itself through me. I want to be balanced and loving towards myself and others. I want to be an artist of love. Haha that was funny. But I kind of mean it. I don't know what I mean. I want to write and perform and I MISS dancing SO MOTHER FUCKING MUCH!!! Having said all that I don't think I am coming from a fearful place when I say that I don't know what framework that that all comes in. I really don't. I do know that if I can figure out what I want I can go towards it with a gusto. So I'm going to meditate and pray. Pray for an answer from God and the Universe. I'm going to pray for Inspiration. I have the answer inside of me and in my dreams. I know that I do. I just need also a sign from the awakened world. During my travels today I will see what the world provides. Look for signs - be open for Inspiration. Soon it will be a year since I started this blog. That will be interesting to see the changes. Okay - time to pray and meditate. Love you Blueb.

I'm a girl and I know this

because I just got my period. I also know this because I love babies, furry things and cooking. I also love the beach and the sunshine. I suppose that isn't what makes me a girl. I'm a hopeless romantic and I know I am being sappy right now but I feel so lonely and it has been almost - lord help me - over a year and a half since I have had sex OR been kissed and I'm so lonely. I'm so - cold. I'm just - cold. I miss being kissed and snuggling and love. I miss love. Hugs. A hug and a genuine kiss. Love. I need to take better care of myself and fall in love with myself and where I am again in life. I am crying and I'm shocked because they are real tears. Not the tickle my nose tears where I'm forcing them out. I can't believe nothing is happening with love for me. It's just not. If I had a friend who was trying to be open to something and it wasn't happening I would say - just let it go. I have to let it go - it's not my time - that's all. But it's sad and it sucks. My period is getting shorter and I'm going to be 40 soon. I - oh dear - I think I might get really depressed right now. I'm never going to have a baby and I might never get to be a wife. I'm not. Men don't like me anymore and now I can't stop crying. I bought myself flowers last night and I - fuck - I just it's too much. I'm upset that I'm not an actress. I'm upset that - I don't understand anything. I'm grateful I have a job to got o and things to do beforehand. I'm grateful for the couple of projects I have coming up. I wish I had more money and a job that was more creatively fulfilling and healthy. I wish this person would stop smoking. I wish I had more self love. I am going to pray and meditate and keep accepting. I am going to remain open and keep cleaning myself and my life. I am going to breathe and love my dog. The answers are in my dreams. I know this. This is the onlyt hing I know right now and it's not just because I watched Inception last night. There is something in my dreams.

This isn't going to be very positive.

I just woke up and it wreaks of cigarette smoke in my room. I went downstairs lat night to walk the dog and the landlord and his (barf) boyfriend were making out on the couch and they acted do RIDICULOUS about it. Like I was walking in to their bedroom. AND they were laughing and giggling and it made me feel really badly. It hurt my feelings and it made me really mad. And he said that Boris doesn't smoke anymore as of yesterday. Right. Well someone does. He thinks it's someone living next door? He is such a fucking liar. Look I don't know who it is I just know it is driving me fucking insane. It's making me sick and fucking up my time living here even more. I keep looking outside when I smell it and I don't see anyone. I don't see anyone and I don't see any smoke. So it is coming from inside the house or he said maybe from next door and they have a broken window that it's coming out of? I'm knocking on their door. Oh yes I will. Poor dogie is smoking too then. What the fuck? I can't help it I fucking hate living here and I feel trapped. Okay well I'm glad I wrote that because it's not necessarily true. I have options and I can save my money and move. Okay. I just feel pushed out and I'm so fucking tired. I was trying to nap yesterday and that's when he turns on the washer. Why wouldn't he WANT that thing fixed? And I can guarantee as soon as it is fixed he will start playing that hideous instrument again at all sorts of awful hours. I'm in such a bad mood. So totally fucking grumpy. You know what really pisses me off? That his boyfriend doesn't pay to live here and neither does Cretona. All I want is peace and quiet and fresh air. I don't make noise or do ANYTHING. I don't even use the kitchen anymore. I need to wash my hair. I'm extra grumpy from that. I guess. Cigarette smoke. What a selfish fucking past time smoking is. Horrible.