I want eggs

Eggs are so good - I love eggs. Almost anyway you or I can prepare an egg I like except for soft boiled or sunny side up. Those are revolting ways to eat eggs. I sort of want to describe all the foods I love with eggs in them - like cakes, cookies, souffles, chicken dishes that use eggs for dipping so the crumbs stick to the chicken, lasagna (the way my mother makes it), Caesar salad dressing (THE REAL KIND). I guess I did. I just opened the window and someone is honking their horn so loudly that it is completely distracting me from my egg list. I'm exhausted. I worked 5 nights in a row and last night was too much. There is a new bartender at work who is such a scumbag nasty, sarcastic, AWFUL AWFUL turd that I can't even believe it. And of course he replaced a wonderful sweetheart so it makes him seem even worse. Oh and not funny. I can really forgive - NOW WITH THE PIANO!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!! the landlord is gone and Cretona has taken to typing downstairs where I can't hear it but he still plays that fucking piano - whenever he wants. Okay let's face it - whenever I don't want him to - which is always. I NEVER want to listen to him play - EVER. now I'm playing my itunes music - which I want to blast like I did yesterday - Christ - so immature. I used to play Ke$sha whenever he or the landlord would play their music - but I can't listen to her anymore. I just want to write. I want to write and let this stuff out of me. Why doesn't he leave the fucking house and go talk to someone??? Then he wouldn't need to make noise so that he feels like he exists. He hasn't worked since I have known him. 3 years almost we have lived together and he has never had a job except when he goes "on tour." I actually laughed when I wrote that. Who cares - he can do whatever he wants - good for you Cretona - don't work - hooray for you - just stop invading me with your mediocre music playing. Fuck - I'm an asshole. So this guy at work - let's call him - Turd Bucket - no, no - that's too nice of a name. I have to think for a second. His real name is so ridiculous and he has no sense of humor about it. He also is one of those - I won't tell you how old I am people. I can forgive almost anything if you are funny. And if he was such a douche that it was funny I would love him. But no - he's just a biting, sarcastic weasel who is vulnerable. He is so clearly desperate for money and he's gross. He makes my left shoulder blade feel funny and whenever that happens the person is usually - not okay. Not okay at all. Okay - and here's what happened. My manager asked about a comic who is new to performing there and I was like "oh - he's funny actually!!" And this Turd Bucket goes (and it's his second real shift basically) "Oh - well hey everybody - She thinks he's funny - so he must be!!" But really sarcastic and really nasty. To be fair - on one hand he's right - who the fuck am I? The Comedy Police??? The Comedy Guru?? And he doesn't know me at all and I suppose it sounded dicky on my part. I don't know what else to say. But I love comedy (I'm not proud of that) and I love writing and this guy is a great writer that I was talking about. So I made a really weird face to Turd Bucket and an awful sound and my friend the other bartender laughed. So then Turd Bucket goes - oh I'm sorry - I will give you a big embrace later. CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE??? He wants to hug???? I don't think so Turd - you are done. SO I said (in response to the embrace comment) "No you won't - please don't - thank you anyway." And then my manager laughed. But I wasn't laughing - I was pissed. And hurt!! How silly is that?? My feelings were hurt. He keeps talking to me like I'm an idiot - and then he basically said I was one and then he thought he could "embrace" me??? Fuck off Turd Bucket - you are a NOT funny douche who is clearly in a lot of pain and I can't imagine it's going to get any easier for you. Ugh - my poor ego - so wounded. I have to seriously talk to my therapist today about this. It's not healthy. There has to be a way to deal with this because I get upset when I get like this. And I had been to such a great meeting before that. And I learned an amazing lesson. I got jealous while I was at the meeting - I picked up on an attraction between 2 people and I got SO upset at first. But then I realized how much it pulled me away from myself - the jealousy. It felt like if I was buying something I couldn't afford or drinking or smoking pot. And it had NOTHING to do with me - AT ALL. And it also was nonne of my business. It was relly mind blowing and freeing. I was like - who cares?? So what - this isn't about me - this is just a way for me to stop focusing on myself and on the fact that I have things I need to do to take better care of myself. I'm not sure if I'm making sense or if I'm saying quite how profound it was to me. I have always been so jealous and it has always been so distracting. And painful and not helpful to anything. And it is the perfect way to focus on other people and stop focusing on the work I need to do on myself. Then I get to work and Lollywhamper who has discovered she has a gluten allergy (and talks about it ALL the time) is eating a sandwhich and I was like "Does that have glutten in it??" And she goes - "What the fuck is your problem - I can't eat anything around you with out you asking me if it has gluten in it - no it doens't have gluten in it!!!" And then THAT hurt my feelings because I think I might be allergic to gluten and I told her that - in a very offended, emotional way which was not eefective at all and I was so upset. I think when I get tired I get really aggressive and I get a nasty face on or something. Now I'm going to beat myself up because I work with some douches and live with selfish people? I need to walk the dog and get eggs. I love Dexter and thanks to one of the wonderful OTHER girls I work with I have been able to continue watching him. I do work with soem fantastic people also. Lots of great people. Why do I keep seeing x's?? Because x marks the spot?? I'm so tired. Bye - sorry for being such a grumpy mess. Maybe I will feel better after therapy. P.S. I just put so much effort into talking about WAITRESSING. FUUUUUUuuuuuuuuCCCKKKKK.

Cretona woke me up with the piano today

Haha - the kid is such a douche. It was 10 - is that early?? Maybe that is a reasonable time to start playing the piano badly and loudly. I turned the fan on and as soon as I stopped thinking negatively about him I was able to fall asleep. As soon as I stopped fighting the energy I was able to relax and go back to sleep. Then - A LONG while later when I woke up and turned off the fan I heard (even before I turned off the fan but it didn't wake me) the Guzcheng and the piano together. Really loud and really awful. You just can't hide your angst when you are letting God through you. That doesn't make any sense. I mean it's awful because it sound so angrily done and they don't play the instruments well. But I have to say it's amazing that they do it. The are able to be LOUDLY creative consistently. I kind of respect that. I'm trying to love bigger than all the things I dislike. Trying to see it from a larger more loving picture. I'm able to remove myself from it and it having anything to really do with me that way. Also it's more amusing. I actually stopped myself from talking shit at work last night. I was pissed too - it would have been a great rant. But I let it go and did my job and now - I think maybe I'm not so sure about what I was going to rant about. Maybe the person just takes care of themselves. I need to do that now - from a good place. Sharpen my senses. I'm so tired I sound crazy. My real self wants to lay down and be the victim OR be the most special one that everyone caters too. OR just not take care of myself in GENERAL and someone else does it while I sulk in the corner or perhaps the bathtub. I like to not really pay attention and guess at what is going on around me (using my gut type thinking) and then get angry, gossipy and ultimately wounded and not get what I want. TIME FOR A ROLE CHANGE HUH????? For real. I'm soooo tired but thanks to my fan I got some well needed sleep. OH and Blueberry I got the cutest blue dress from Forever 21 yesterday. It's so cute and I think it was $22.50. Yes - it was - how fun is that?? I had lunch with my cousin in Soho and it was so fun. I kicked a ladies dog by mistake and I started laughing and some guy started to laugh also. I didn't hurt the dog - he was a fat little sucker. Anyway I love you and I will talk to you later. I will write at you later. Hmmmm - hmmmm - I don't know - I will see you later. Yes - that I will do!!!

What a long amazing day!!

I felt better as soon as I went to the first half a meeting I went to. It was a business meeting but it was interesting and funny. I dyed my hair dark so of course I thought to myself how in some way I would not appear dingy to people and then proceeded to do dingy things PRONTO. But I like my hair and GUESS WHAT??? I (we - what do I call him?? Larny?? I can't remember) ran into GORGEOUS guy - also known as soft hugger!! And he said he liked my hair and it was soooo - SO sweet. Saying we ran into him is not accurate since Larny stopped him to say hello. I acted like a dork - I know that's hard to believe but we got a good laugh out of it - Larny and I. I'm not sure what sweetie thought but I think he could tell that I got so nervous I started to shake. Really?? Yup - really. Anyway - that was after we had lunch and then I went to meet someone else - another meeting - then went to another meeting that I thought was going to be a SMALL woman's meeting - seriously. And guess what?? Well over 200 people!! Of both sexes!! For real - it was insane but guess what?? I ran into a girl from the downtown scene who has as much time as I do and it was SO good to see her. Then like 30 of us went to eat - I walked to the train with another girl and got home and walked the doggie. For real - it was a long ass day. Yesterday in therapy I realized that if I use my energy I feel better and there is less energy for me to be mean to myself with. So - it was an okay day - an AWESOME day. I heart my new hair and all the new people I am meeting. I also stretched and walked a bit also. I need to sleep. I love you Blueberry. Thanks for listening.

Today is Monday and so far

I have talked to peeps about comedy and walked the dog, made my bed and had some food, coffee and vitamins. Whenever I say 'vitamins' in my head I like to say it with a British accent so it comes out with a soft i. "Viiiitamins" - it cracks me up. Anyway - I took some. I also called Her Lady Wonder already and I'm getting ready to go to therapy!!! Woo-hoo - she's back!!! I'm so tired from work and I also - okay - I'm not going to complain about it because I don't see what good it will do. I'm so grateful for the job. Anyway - I realized that I'm focusing on someone and what I'm doing is giving them WAY too much power. I would rather not say the name I would even make for this person - I would just like to say I would like to stop Transposing upon them (which I am for SURE doing) and I would like to stop giving them so much power. Stopping thinking about them in general would be key. Anyway I also forgot to put money into my bank account for Netflix and they cut that shit RIGHT off - right away. HOW SAD IS THAT??? More to the point - what the fuck is my deal with money?? Seriously - I have a really fucked up relationship with money. Fuuuuuuuuuucccckkkkkkk. It's so weird and I'm trying REALLY hard is the crazy part. I'm not crazy spending - I'm walking places - not taking cabs - not buying crazy to go food. Frustrating and embarrassing. Annoying and - childish. Okay - I will talk to you later. Bye!!

How do I say this?

I'm not sure all I want to express - let's start with the most shallow thing first. I am upset that no one reads my secret blog that I don't tell anyone about. It's completely ridiculous and I'm guessing it's a positive sign that I want people to read this. That being said I'm still not telling anyone about it but I will continue to be annoyed that no one is paying attention to it. The second thing which is much less shallow/ridiculous but it seems - so odd. I feel so saddened by Greg Giraldo's death and so creatively inspired comedy wise also. I am so fucking inspired again - ugh am I?? That's the kind of comic and the kind of performer I wanted to be. The one that he was. I guess - is. His work lives on. I am ABSOLUTELY inspired to stay sober and to keep getting more sober. I feel so badly for him and his kids and mostly for HIM. He must have been in so much pain in order to either try to commit suicide or to be - using. I'm hoping he didn't suffer too much but if he was using - he was struggling emotionally - ugh - physically - in every way. I feel like a dick - I never really new him - I just know that life is precious and there is nothing like drugs and alcohol to make you feel the exact opposite. Or like life is a gift but maybe not yours. And I LOVED comedy and I LOVE the way he wrote and performed. I just never really was exposed to him until now. For the last few months when I would write in my journal and I would write down the date - I would write 10 for the month. SO many times. And I was like - why do I keep writing October?? Something is going to happen in October. Maybe my energy will be lifted in October. My spigot will open. My gush of creativity will pour forth. Maybe I will finally look to the future and stop staring at the past that I can do nothing about. Look towards what I want to be be - what excites me - thrills me - OPENS MY HEART UP WIDE. Do I sound like a a-hole?? Who cares - no one is reading this!! But I'm writing it and I'm so grateful for that. Happy October Blueberry Blog.

Huge revelation

I'm not sure how to spell revelation but here it is. I have thought for years that because I got so upset about 9/11, dudes, dudes and dudettes that I've never been able to "get back" the fighting edge - the DRIVE. Well I realized that because all that happened I have even MORE energy. I have to use all of it and I have not. I can't explain it right. The drive isn't gone - there is even more of it there and it's huge inside me. I hate Cretona - now he's running around slamming things. I don't hate him - sometimes he's even really fascinating - but he is a tool. A fascinating tool - how's that? Compromise. I have to go.

He's typing on the manual typewriter

It woke me up - which is not as rude as it sounds because I was awoken at 2 in the afternoon. I was so tired last night at work but I got upset with myself and so I couldn't sleep. Or I didn't know how to sleep. I didn't know how to be nice to myself and take care of myself after I behaved what I deemed inappropriately. I also - his typing is so loud. It's like I hear all his aggression and douche bagness all coming out when he hits the keys. He is typing on a medal outdoor table in the middle of the house. The open part of the house. It just echoes everywhere. I know I've written about this before. What did I name him - what should I name him? Dick. Haha - oh no - too obvious. Cretona. I will name him Cretona. What the fuck is that name? No. I swear that they WANT to wake me up sometimes. Well whatever - I was sleeping at 2 in the afternoon - that's ridiculous. But seriously I need to meditate and I so will not be able to with him doing that. By the time I stop Cretona should stop typing at his manual typewriter. I wonder what he's doing? FYI - he HAS a computer - it's not like he doesn't - he does. I can just picture him at the table typing and the vibrations from the table and the POWER he must feel while he is typing. He must feel SO mother fucking POWERFUL. It must feel good or why would he be doing it? So - my head hurts for real - I have headache. I'm still upset and confused by last night. I got a DVD player though so now I can get Netflix movies sent to me!! Oh and Blockbuster!! Fun!! How awesome is that?? SO AMAZING!! Okay - now as far as last night goes. Well yesterday was great and I managed to write for awhile. I found a bunch of jokes from a long time ago that are funny!! So okay - I will keep working on that. Thank you for being here - I'm sad I'm going but I need coffee.