Okay here's how September 15th went:

okay. Ha!! You thought I would be more dramatic didn't you? Nope - it was just okay and I'm glad I did what I did. I brought a friend to the women's meeting and I shared and told how stuck and gross I feel. The meeting was awesome and I learned a lot. I just need to give it up right now. I do. That's the only thing that sounds right. And we went to her apartment afterwards so I could meet her dog and when her boyfriend got back to the apartment he said I should put together a 15 minute set and they would give me some gigs. So nice!!!! Okay - so - hello. I'm so tired - I came home because I wanted to after that and I cleaned and did my laundry. I saw the episode of the show I have been freaking out over. Does that make any sense at all? No - it doesn't so who cares but this is what I need to say. It wasn't so amazing and I wasn't that jealous. Or let's just say I wasn't jealous. It was no big deal. At all. So anyway - I tried to take care of myself by comeing home and cleaning. It was easier this time because I didn't wait to long to do it. Now I need to clean me - I'm a dirty girl. PMS is me. I have a lot of pimples on my face. And one right on the end of my nose - it's RED. One woman at the meeting said that when she tried to pick things in her life - even her friends - it would never work. Careers - all of it. And that she has spent 90% of her life waiting now. Well then there you go. I'm done - I'm done picking. NONE of my picking has ever worked. The only things so far that I have ever done right is get sober and stop doing other things that really weren't working and felt badly. So. So I give it up. I really do. I'm not meant to be doing the picking so - all of it - the guys, the career, the whatever - forget it. And I mean forget it in a good way. I just can't anymore - it feels wrong. I don't even express myself honestly because I'm worried about what a guy thinks. ME "picking" gets in the way of everything. So - oh well and that's okay. It's weird - I thought being sober would be easier and lighter in a way. Or not - as long. Haha - time goes by so much more slowly. Jesus - my landlord just got home and SLAMMED the door so loudly. Then he like RAN up the stairs. Oh well his creepy friend who steals all the knives is here. Staying inhis room. She pays him in marijuana. She's suck a creep. One time she stayed here and walked around all quietly when he was here and then when he left - she roamed the halls and was really loud and different. I know - it's creepy that I sit here and listen to all of this. but - well when I interact with all the people I get crazy - it's to much. This makes no sense. I need to sleep early - I'm glad he is back. I guess if she needs knives that badly she should have them.

Uh oh

I am really starting to freak out. I mean I'm getting depressed and fast. I really am - it's scaring me. I worked all weekend - I'm even working tonight and I made not great money - AT all. Like horrible. SO I still owe him 50 for rent - 70 for 2 weeks of the carpet - 35 for this week carpet - my cell phone - my student loans. And it's the 13th alreay - the cell phone is due on the 19th and the student loan on the 20th. And now I'm going to work tongiht even and honestly I can't bare going there again and I don't think it will be that gret of a night. Ugh - this is awful. Had I not fucked up my checking account I would be a little better but not really. I took days off from work and I shouldn't have - why did I do that? Why do I try to do anything? I'm starting to beat myself up - I'm bitter and upset. Why did I take off for that party? Why do I not know how to take care of my self?? Is this just because I have PMS?? I feel like I'm going to get sucidal again. What the fuck? I'll never get out of here - never have a good job. holy fuck I'm freaking out. I'm really upset. And my therapist cancelled again today and I don't think she is going to be able to meet again any time soon. I called her today and she hasn't called back. I fell ugly and old and smelly. I wish I could sign up for the gym - but I have no money. It's going to take me months to even get back to "normal" and even be saving money again. Why do I even leavt the fucking house? And I could have made money on Saturday but the manager said I couldn't take this girl's section so I got a bad section and then - then I had NO one in mine which is exactly what I thought would happen. And then I worked the last show and guess what?? The door guy gave me people because he thought I was the other girl and thought she couldn't handle the tables. What the fuck is that? I feel like I'm about to have a nervous break down. I'm trying to tell myself that it will be okay - that the money will show up - I can eat - I can get around. But it's so depressing. I'm fucking almost 40 years old and I'm a loser waitress and I can't even make money because I work at a total shithole. I need a shower - it's so dirty there - then I eat badly when I'm there also. I just need to manage my money better that's all. Never take off from work - get a better job, have a better attitude - be a different person. And it sucks that I'm not in a realtionship and that I don't have kids. IT's sad. I feel hopeless and depressed. I feel very sorry for myself. And that is depressing.

It's 9/11

and for the first time in a long time - so many years - I wasn't even aware of this day comiug. It was so awful here when it happened and for the longest time I really thought that that was ended my comedy career. That 9/11 was when things stopped being funny to me. That the sadness and pain of life and the cruelty and harm people haveand do towards each other was so clear to me. It rocked me to my very core. HOWEVER - I was already a mess. I really was. Side note - I just took a big gulp of coffee and it's HOT!!! Holy cow. Anyway - back to talking about pain - I was already out of control with my life. Very lost - still hurt over my boyfriend leaving me and banging all these girls we knew - including my roomate at the time. Which at this moment seems kind of hilarious. Oh I was sleeping with him still also - oh - yup - on occasion I was. Anyway - I had started smoking pot again and had had plenty of examples of drinking not going well - AT ALL. Problem. I was out of control. I wanted to blame it on the girl I lived with and the fact that I was unable to meditate or deflate at home well. She was always there and a very dark presence it seemed. That being said - I was sleeping around, smoking pot, charging credit cards, paying rent LATE - all these awful behaviors. I'm so embarassed but it's true. And you know what - it's okay - it's really okay. I was hurting - badly. I was flailing and grasping and running. So no wonder I was so stopped by 9/11 - I was out of control. I just actually thought I had some control. This is depressing - I'm glad this is a secret, this blog. I have to say though as far as the physical part of putting my fingers tot he keys - I love it. It's like drawing with my colored pencils - the act of it is so soothing to me. I like to write on paper for the same reason. It just feels good to do this. And at some point - like right now - I need to forgive myself and forgive all my past. And what's so amazing now is that I have a program that helps me to not let all this hurt build up and HEAL all those wounds. I have had a big wound in me since I was a child and maybe even longer. And since I am so sensitive - alcohol and drugs on those wounds is like pouring acid on a cut. OUCH AND it doesn't help it to heal, it only keeps the wound open longer. My dog wants to go out and I need to get ready for work. Maybe at some point I will switch up this blog and post some pictures but for now I just like to write. I really am starting to want to perform again. I dreamed I was pregnant last night - like really pregnant. I felt the baby move in me and I was so excited to be pregnant. Of course the dream ended in a gunfight chase while someone was getting stabbed and the house set on fire. But I was happy to be pregnant!!! the guy who was getting stabbed was getting a lesson - a verbal lesson as to why he was being stabbed and how to do proper stabbing. The stabber stopped mid stabbing and gave the stabbee a very nice, calm lesson. Fantastic!!! Gotta go bro. Are you a boy blog?? I have no idea. Maybe no t- maybe you are a girl and a boy. Twinss!!

GUZHENG IS FROM HELL

LAst night he playing it at 1:00 a.m. in the morning and today he started a little before noon. He is playing on the 2nd floor with the doors to the room wide open and I seriously feel like he should just jerk off in my face. That's how AWFUL listening tot hat is. It's so fucking loud - there are no "SONGS" so there's nothing to hum along to and why does he have to do it so selfishly. It's like being woken up by someone putting a piano in your room and starting to play but only improvising. It's so selfish - what a fucking asshole. And the only part of my day that was going to be okay was going to therapy and guess what?? Not going to happen - my therapist had a fall and broke her foot. You know I feel like he wakes me up on purpose - and he thinks this is a pleasant way to do it. Whenever I go downstairs he stops playing. I feel terrible about my therapist but honestly I can't get over my rage right now about this instrument. Why can't he shut the doors? OR HERE"S AN IDEA - DON"T PLAY SO FUCKING LOUDLY. I know you are going to find this hard to believe but I am in the worst mood. I really am. Tired - my eye is pink - like pink eye and it won't go away. I got a friend a job at my work and they told him he said something offensive to one of the comedians and he freaked out on them. He told off both of my bosses. And honestly - they deserved it. She is a bully who never goes to worka nd the other one is lazy who drinks all the time at work. And he has her be the boss because he doesn't want to deal with anything. I don't blame them - I get it. Do I even mean that or am I just saying that because I think they might read this one day?? Look - I think my friend said all the things people want to say to thema nd never do. Okay - great - good for you - but also I got him a fucking job and when they repremanded him for something he told them to go fuck themselves in a really dramatic and - ugh I don't know - I wasn't there. But he told my general manager that he needed to "man up" and run his own club and that - ugh - who cares?? THIS IS MY LIFE????? Listening to this guy jerl off with this instrument and being freaked out about a job that I don't feel safe at anyway and that SUCKS. They let those scumbags hit on young women and let that bouncer SELL CIGARETTES and the big boss drinks 14 beers every night andt hen drives home and you jave the nerve to tell my friend to not be so gay? Hypocrits and pieces of shit. I can't take it anymore - this house - this city. Just as my friend was telling me that she called him and repremanded him I went outside to walk my dog and the guy who lives here for FREE had put the most aggessive sign on the recycle garbage can that said NO LIDS ON BOTTLE SAND CANS - SERIOUSLY. So fucking obnoxious. Now I'm playing Kesha - really?? At least it drowns him out. I'm miserable. I'm broke I still owe him so much for rent - for the fucking carpet. I feel on the edge - so not okay. Just filled with rage - stuck, angry - feeling violated - and I swear someone went on my computer when I went to work one night last week. Something is weird with it. Ugh I can't even explain it. I feel old and I really want to escape. I am not enjoying feeling these feelings. I am however really enjoying playing Kesha. Haha - play that with your big stupid asian instrument. Who WAKES people up ON PURPOSE??? How fucked up is that? OH RIGHT I LIVE HERE I CREATED THIS. Fuck you too.

I'm amazed and a little freaked out

by how much time goes in to me taking care of myself. It has taken me all night to do what I wanted to accomplish which is clean a bit, deep condition my hair, put a mud mask on, do laundry and do my toes. I also watched 2 movies, had food, washed my shirt, put also ponds cold cream on my face and I checked facebook 37 times. No - I didn't just 15 times. I also walked the dog twice and drank a ton of water and detox tea. But I feel like I don't do enough and okay here's the thing....Self care takes SO much time. Holy crap taking care of yourself is SO much work and in a week I will need to clean and do all of this again. I feel so much better when my room and clothes and me are clean. Really clean. Oh I also cleaned the toilet and put liquid plumber down the shower drain. And last night I picked up and cleaned the mirror and the sink in the bathroom. Oh I also cleaned the coffee pot and soaked the inside parts in vinegar. Christ almighty I feel like I'm never going to get to the fun part where I get to be onstage again. Or where at least I'm not just writing on here about all that I've cleaned and washed. And guess what I'm SO LUCKY to have a washer and dryer right here and my own bathroom to clean!!! And I love to clean - I just - I don't know - it takes so much time and so much vigilance and how am I going to do all this all the time plus meditate and somehow let my art grow?? I have no idea. Okay - what?? Maybe I'm just shocked at how little I was doing all this before and how - disgusting I was living. Well okay - I'm relearning to live and apparently I like to spend time taking care of myself and I'm just surprised at HOW much time it takes - that's all. That's really the thing. But I'm SO GRATEFUL because I feel so much better like this. Okay - I'm going to rinse out my hair and rinse of this mud mask and try to sleep. It's 3:30 a.m. In one hour my sister will be waking up. Lots of productive, amazing people will be waking up. Hopefully by then I will be asleep. I love you blog - thank you for being here and listening to my riveting stories about laundry and mud masks.

Labor Day

It's Labor Day. I made fantastic money last night at work and it wasn't that difficult. I said in my mind how much I wanted to make - take home with me and I made 2 dollars more than that plus my shift pay. How amazing is that? And now today I have the day off so I can clean up - clean the dog and do some laundry. I should get my sister a card. She left yesterday and it was soooo sad!!! Oh my God!! I took a nap right after she left and I fell asleep but 2 minutes into it I waoke up witha start thinking - oh she's gone - it made me sick to my stomach. We had such a good time and she was so nice to me!!! She bought me dinner, lunch, brunch and gave me the cutest card. My friend - ugh - what do I call him on here - um - Gary - no - um - Linol - Linol bought us dinner the night of my one year and I got brownies and a gorgeous cupcake and another card!!! I even wore heels and a cute dress. WE had so much fun.. We sat at a bar ironically enough but it was fine. I'm now in my second year and so I guess I get to date if I want to but what I really want to do is find a gym with a pool. I do love that YMCA on 14th street - it's gorgeous. Ugh and figure out how to make some money and how to love myself more. I'm having some fruit right now so that is a good place to start. Then for dinner I will have some chinese food - sounds good to me right now. Okay. Hmmm - I'm a little nervous - this is weird. I'm actually one year sober. I actually did not drink or smoke pot or shop or have sex or do anything to hurt myself this year. And I did up until the 9th step!! I need to keep going on the steps. So I guess I will do that today also. Work on the second personon my list and then call Victoria and do what I need to do for the first one. Yeesh I'm starting to get a little grumpy - I'm so tired. I need my coffee and I need to go outside. I miss performing. Okay - well I need to go - I will come back and write more. I would like to figure out how to make this more - something - arty - it feels pathetic someohow. But I love you blog and I always will. Thak you for a great weekend and for such amazing people in my life!!!

I'm so grateful

so so sooo very grateful. It's officially the 2nd so I am one day away from being one year sober. This is a real milestone for me in my life. There hasn't been very many genuine milestones - where it REALLY meant something to ME - to my soul and spirit. Not just a picture in a book. Like I graduated from college but I didn't care and it took me forever to do it and I didn't even do what I took forever to get a degree in. I got married but it didn't really mean anything - I WANTED it to and I wanted to escape my life and my feelings for someone else. This means something in my heart and I really want to enjoy it. My sister is coming to visit for the weekend and I took Friday night off from work. I bought a cute dress and my room is all clean. I cleaned out the closet and threw out all sorts of shoes and some clothes and things that make me feel badly when I look at them. I even cleaned out a little jewlery box that one of my other sisters gave me when I was her brides maid - it had an earing from my wedding day and some glitter that was on one of my ex-husbands costume pieces that some drag queen he was dating made for him. I WAS SO HAPPY TO THROW THOSE THINGS OUT!!!! Now the little box has buttons and a buddha in it. So much better. I don't have my rent quite for this month but I have some of it and you can be I'm going to figure out my money issues now - this year coming up - at least I hope to. I have no idea who I am - really. I feel like a kid again - ugh - I was going to cry and then I got that weird tickle in my nose up top which means it's a fake cry. EW - no fake cry that's forced - NO. I feel like a teenager or - maybe late teeens. Yes - that's it - late teens early twenties. And I would say that probably now more than ever I need to take it slow. So slow I shall take it. And be open and honest. How fucking hard is that? Well I'm really, really grateful because this is how I always wanted to live my life. Free from the added pressure of alcohol and drugs. It stopped me from being able to quietly listen and hear - the stillness in life. Wow - I am taking the sentimental road on this trip huh? Yeesh. I'm feeling better than I have in years and I suppose that I'm curious to see how I else I will grow and I am REALLY looking forward to more art. Hooray art!! That's part of why I wanted the closet cleaned out - costume pieces and shoes from art that I am not interested in. New canvas. I can carry inside of me whatever I need to still have. God Bless Cleaning. So when this weekend is over I will go back to working tons and finding a pool. I'm so filled with energy which my therapist said I - what does she say? I am not sure what to do with it. She is right and I have a bunch that has been lying in wait also. I am PACKED full of creative energy and PHYSICAL energy. What a relief. What a relief to be figuring out myself like this. Amen mother fuckers. I always loved the clor blue - it was my favorite color when I was little. A girl. I wore a cute girlie shirt tonight with blueberry grape looke things on it. It sounds horrendous but it's pretty. I'm glad I 'm getting back to blue and now I'm getting back to me. You know what else? Since I'm cleaning myself up and cleaning up the past - I'm finding it easier to forgive myself. Yup - not nearly as sad. Not as upsetting. How did I clean this keyboard for 5 minutes last night and now I see all these places I missed?? Yikes. Cartoonist? I could be one of those - for like a comic strip page. I know - random. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. That sounds forced. I appreciate you so much. Thank you thank you thank you for being here.