It's Fear.

Fear and sadness.  That's what's underneath my obsessing over other people and their feelings and thoughts and whatever.  I am afraid.  Afraid to do my own thing.  Afraid to feel the sadness that on some level we all have to stand on our own 2 feet or our own whatever we have.  I don't know what else I am sad about but - well - guess what?  I have plenty of time to sit here and feel it.  And then maybe I will let it pass through me.  Maybe it will move on.  I can get out of this boot-loop...wait - no it's not a boot-loop it's a cycle....stop the repetition.  AH.  I started to watch Russian Doll and it's amazing.  She is stuck in a boot-loop!  Okaaaaay gotta go byeeeee.

Corona Vacation?

I guess that's what's happening even though I am home a lot anyway.  So the World is closed basically and I am home now & have been home for daaaays.  I have been going outside to exercise but that's it.  I couldn't sleep last night so I am tired today.  I am also still fighting a cold of some sort although yesterday I felt much better.  It's snowing today so I don't know if that's what's going on?  All the flowers have started to bloom so it's really weird that it snowed although I think it normally would snow again this time of year.  ANYWAY.  I am working my alanon program and it is difficult.  I will tell you why and I know - I know that you don't WANT to know but I will tell you anyway.  SO.  So I am taking care fo myself which mean I am trying so very hard not to take care of other people's feelings.  This is much easier with people whom I have I have not ESTABLISHED this relationship with.  So - UGH - I am having a hard time because people don't like it when you don't do what you always did and the problem is that they get aggressive and unkind and then I FEEL like I am doing something wrong even though I am just creating boundaries. BUT - well a couple time I have probably done things in not such a kind way so I guess really I am having a hard time because it's SO HARD to be kind when you want someone to (figuratively) get off your foot!  But okay so it I none of my business how someone else is reacting and that's where it gets tricky because I have always made that my business.  So this is some super subtle unbraiding of myself from other people's stuff and minding my own GODDAM emotional business.  Why is it so hard to be kind?  I mean Jesus - it feels terrible to be unkind but it feels almost impossible to be kind.  Is it really as simple as - if I am kind to myself and coming from a place of kindness then it is much, much easier to be kind to others?  And just let them be and take care of themselves?  I have no control over anyone else anyway.  This is giving me a headache.  I hope that you are well and taking care of yourself.  I hope that I am well and taking care of myself!  I am certainly trying to...love you Bluebers big hug from a nice safe 6 feet apart.

Well...

I am so tired.  This has been, and is terrifying.  I am feeling particularly nervous because I went through cancer treatment and well - even though they say I am okay now I just know my poor little body is still healing and I am just terrified to get sick again.  But also - everyone is losing their minds and it feels awful.  I don't think for 2 seconds that they shouldn't be losing their minds - it's just flipping me out.  The empathy stuff.  Anyway - I think it is fair to say that there are people struggling with far worse than this.  I don't want to diminish my fears but I also know that I am okay and I have been taking very good care of myself so thank God for that.  Literally all the meetings are closing down but people are starting all sorts of online meetings and forums so thank God for the internet and social media - it's going to save all us alocholics and alanonics.  I am praying for all of us - I am trying to stay in the light and love.  I am also so grateful I had a head's up about all of this so I could prepare - even though I did not prepare for the emotion component.  Lord - I mean well - I don't know - I also didn't think literally EVERYTHING would shut down.  The rest of March is basically cancelled everywhere.  ALL THINGS.  You probably know this.  Okay I actually have some work to do.....and I don't know.  I keep focusing on my breath and then my shoulders drop.  It's a tense, tense time.  It's reminding me of 9/11 which is - heart breaking to say the least.  But it isn't 9/11 and hopefully it will be more okay than not.  Love you Bluebie.

The Virus

Well I am sure you know about the virus....and I really - I don't know!  Should I be scared?  That has never helped me with one single thing really.  But - um - it's scary right?  Well - I don't know - I am trying to breathe and relax and it's tricky because there is some intense energy out there - I can feel it.  People are freaking the fuck out.  Shelves are bare in the grocery store - but it's like the weirdest stuff that's gone.  The huge bags of flour?  What - are people like - THERE'S A VIRUS!!  WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO MAKE CAKES AND BREAD OUR CHICKEN!!  Haha that made me laugh.  Maybe I am just jealous because I can't eat that much of that stuff anymore.  God - I never could.  Anyway it's new world and now there's a darn virus that's making people freak out and I need to stay calm.  I want to stay calm! I also want pancakes!  Love you Bluebie byeeee

He Has A Cat & How It Changed Everything

I went outside the other day to affix a new label to our mailbox and it was fairly early in the day...as I walked back to the front door I noticed a cat in the yard below.  This big, fat light orange tabby who was sort of digging in the dirt (he/she was lying down) with its paws and making itself more comfortable.  Sort of shifting around lazily enjoying the outside and sunshine.  I thought at first maybe it was a stray and so I said hi.  It ignored me.  Then I said hi again and I don't know I realized the cat was domesticated and didn't give one flying fuck about me (ha!).  Then I realized that it looked like the cat was in that spot often as the ground is sort of worn out there and then I realized it's where the man downstairs sits every morning and smokes.  THEN  I REALIZED IT'S HIS CAT.  He has a cat!  A big, fat light orange, not giving a fuck cat!  Who also looks really sweet by the way.  Anyway my heart just suddenly shifted for this man - but also I wasn't totally sure if it was his cat so I told my guy about it (we aren't supposed to have pets here) and he said "Oh yeah he must have a cat - I have seen him with kitty litter."  Haha.  Anyway so this guy smokes every morning and it drives me fucking nuts!  I hate the smell and I get so scared because I had cancer.  Plus I'm an addict and I just - I don't know - I think I am afraid I will smoke again also.  But for some reason seeing that cat - that happy, lazy cat sitting by him - just shifted my heart and now - AND NOW - his smoking isn't bothering me as much!  He is such a quiet man and he doesn't say hello and I don't know - I just - my heart melted for him and that fucking fat cat.  I mean the cat is FAT.  Anyway - then a couple days later I saw him get out of his car with kitty liter and cat food and all was confirmed.  HE HAS A CAT.  Go figure.  Life is weird.  Something inside me is also healing about my self-worth around other people.  This new family I work for is helping with that somehow....I am the one who decides how I feel about myself - no matter what you say or do.  I mean that is what I am realizing and I am not sure why all of a sudden.  They are very, very nice people and they are very good to me...but they are in a different socio-economic status and I guess in the past I let that determine in some way how I felt about myself - but that's changing.  Holy fuck I woke up at 5:30 and it's only 9:15 and I am exhausted already.  HA. So much to do today but it's sunny and I am ready to take it nice & slow.  Love you Bluebie bye.

45th Time Is The Charm!

Some people learn their lessons after 1,2 or maybe 3 experiences.  I like to do things at least 30-45 times before I learn them.  So yay!  I think last night was the 45th time so hopefully I learned my lesson!  Holy mother-fucking mother of GOD.  I am not going to write about it because I already talked about it - A LOT and then jogged about it & ate 2 meals about it.  No more!  That's it!  But that's also not how it works right?  It's got to be gentle.  Easy.  On the ground.  Ah - I get it.  Ugh.  So uncomfortable.  I only have control over me and I have to be brave now and ask questions.  A lot of questions and some of those questions are to me!  What am I agreeing to - really?  If I'm not asking the questions I am forcing my hand because I ask a lot of questions because I know - that there are a lot of questions to be answered.  This probably sounds nuts but it isn't.  It really isn't.  Well it's a new day and that's the great part.  It's sunny and I got out there and exercised and that's an even better part!  One more show tonight and then my weekend is done.  Love, let the shoulders drop and breathe.  Yes.  Breathe in and out.  Shower!  Put on clean underwears! Add some eyeliner!  Be in and enjoy this day!  That's all I got but it's lot.  BYEEEeeeeeee.