Tired but sitting..

on the couch!  In our apartment!  My favorite place to be!  Tomorrow I have 10 years sober.  TEN yeaaaars sober.  Holy fuck!  What a 10 years it has been.  I am struggling these last couple of days - the depression is wanting to pull me down but I'm not letting it.  I met with my sponsor today for 2 hours and I have been working hard on myself.  I am starting my new job tomorrow - I sort of started it already but now they are in school and I will be going 5 days a week.  I have been so so busy with everything but I am also taking care of myself.  It's surreal.  It is really a testament to sobriety.  To the program.  To the programs.  I have a different life which is wonderful but now after cancer I am also changing or allowing my inner life to shift as well.  My perception is shifting.  My sense of myself and my self-worth.  Good God that's why they wish people a long slow recovery in this program!  It's all so different and they are such HUGE changes.  I mean I don't even know - it's mind-blowing.  Again - it's surreal.  The inside changes aren't even anything that anyone can see although I do look very different now - but that's from cancer.  I look older and I am a little more beat up but I look better.  The program (AA) has all these promises right?  We are promised to be happy, joyous and free.  We are promised serenity.  I am not going to say I am exactly there but I will tell you that I am not enraged inside myself while pretending I'm fine.  I am trying to match my insides and my outsides.  I also am becoming a much more authentic person and I have help.  I have people who help me make decisions.  I never made decisions.  I hurtled through life enraged and just so so unhappy.  Honestly I don't even want to think about any of that.  I want to live & enjoy this day and take care of myself.  I think I am going to treat myself right now to an extra meditation.  I have so much to do for this week but today is a day off and a day of healing.  I will say this - even though I could barely work those ten years ago - I wasn't really ever resting.  So now I rest.  Not as often as I would like but moving out here has helped and I'm practicing it more & more.  I get so much more done when I rest.  So it's a new life & a new time.  I am moving on.  I am also staying right here.  Right now today I am not picking up a drug or a drink.  I didn't even eat a dessert at lunch with my sponsor and she asked me if I wanted one!  Gonna meditate - love you Bluebie bye