HOW'S THAT FOR A TITLE? Okay I feel better - I got to 2 meetings, did service and went to Alanon. I jogged this morning and my guy and I went to a super fancy wedding yesterday and that was really fun - we had a good time. I am going to make us a nice healthy dinner tonight and then I can go to bed at a decent hour. So - so what is that super intriguing title about huh? I will tell you...I have probably already told you but I will tell it to you again as if I never remembered saying it before. I do believe this is something that has happened to me many, many times in my life but I just didn't even know it was part of what was happening. First of all - my therapist helped me to recognize this and I don't know why I said first of all. Let me break it down.
1. Someone gets into my personal space and I feel super confused because I am so sensitive to energy - other people's energy - I'm an empathy and I have to be careful - I get short-circuited around people but okay yes - they don't know that so someone gets into my energy field and I feel confused. My therapist helped me to learn that when I am confused I am actually angry - in part because my boundaries are being crossed. The other part I am guessing is because close talkers in general are enraging. I am making that part up.
2. I don't realize my boundaries have been crossed. The person continues to encroach on my space till I get really frittzed out and then I am a fucking bitch. Which of course is upsetting because I feel terrible. Enter more confusion, more anger, more - unmanageability.
3. Everything breaks down - I can't understand what is going wrong with the communication with this person and I don't know how to make any of it better.
4. It gets more and more difficult to say anything and I feel trapped and wrong. I also don't feel like I can actually say anything because now at this point I can not figure out how to be nice - at all.
Well anyway so for example - I worked with that bonkers woman who kept touching me and touching me till I finally awkwardly said she had to stop. She made me feel badly for even saying that. Which now - years later I realize is of course a reflection of her. However I said to the other woman I was working with that I asked (finally) for her to stop touching me and how awkward it was and she said "Oh yeah the first time she touched me I said don't do that - I'm not into that - not going to do that - stop touching me - I am not touchy feely like that." EASY PEASY. So now years later, in a completely different context, I have finally realized someone has crossed my boundaries but it's my emotionally boundaries and it took me until today to realize the first time she did it I got confused which means I was angry. Then I kept letting it happen in part because I thought for some reason I didn't have a right to say something. Well of course I do always and forever. But wow is it so fucking confusing after the person is already there in my orbit and I think I owe them something but more than that I feel like I don't matter anymore. I am guessing that there is some sort of protection thing that I am doing but GOD - it isn't working anymore. Well so now I have given myself the permission to say something if it happens again and here's the most amazing COOL part that I finally realized today. I CAN BE KIND. I can take care of myself and be kind and let's face it - if you are someone who is so all over the place that you are crossing boundaries being messy and just not recognizing your own behavior - you probably won't like me saying please stop. However the sooner I say it the easier it will be but I don't want to be hard on myself - the more important part is that when we stop people pleasing - PEOPLE STOP BEING PLEASED. But also I am my responsibility. I am not a victim. So okay here we go I learned a lesson and this person was my teacher. SO THANK YOU SO MUCH! Haha - no seriously - it's okay and all good. I trust. I learn. Byeeeeee.
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