Powerlessness and Shame - these are the two of my favorite things!

UGH.  Can I seriously get a cyber high five for digging deep and - I don't know just for that?  I can NOT BEIEVE how much shame and humiliation I have.  As far as I can tell what is happening right now is that I have wounds (I know we all do) form different traumas and they never healed AND some are infected.  How's this for fun so far?  Then - then I led my life trying to operate from that wounded infected being and I never understood why it wasn't working - then I finally got sober and now years later I see what was under it all.  Infection.  Fine. Time to heal.  BUT GOD - I just feel it.  It's not fun and it feels - toxic.  This is what Cunty Buns has helped me get to.  She has triggered a deep place of healing.  Im sure other - well I know other people have triggered this but she was the Cunty Bun that broke this infected camel's back.  What's the number one best thing to do right now for myself?  Be nice to myself, have compassion for myself - keep looking at it and talking about it.  Do  you know what I just did on my day off?  Here in this new apartment that I haven't lived in for very long and Im still not quite moved into?  I took a NAP.  Because I got sleepy and it's my day off and my sweet, lovely body that carries me everywhere was tired so I RESTED.  How's that for self-compassion?  Man.  So.  So here's the other thing Cunty Buns has pushed me to FINALLY realize - I am powerless over Cunty Buns.  Im powerless over her, my friend who pushed me into Alanon to begin with and all the people who - I don't know - drive me crazy while also managing to make me feel bad about myself.  When I realized that about her - I instantly stopped preparing myself to defend myself against her.  Almost anyway.  Now when the crazy conversation comes up in my head about how Im going to react to her - I just say Im powerless - and it makes it stop.  Unreal.  Amazing.  Im powerless aver drugs and alcohol and I am powerless over other infected people - that's it.  So that's great.  Thanks Cunty Buns.  I mean it.  Okay I have to do 10 minutes of yoga and go to therapy. Haha it ever ends does it?  love you Bluebie byeeee.