The Core of Me.

Well here I am at the end of this blog.  It's a little bittersweet because I am not sure I would have done it if they hadn't changed the format, which then made it so difficult (for me!) to use but well - I think it's probably time anyway.  I just went and looked at my first post from May 11th, 2010.  I'm a lot, a lot - a LOT healthier now.  I'm a lot happier.  I have a life that I can manage and when I can't I have so many tools and people who can help me.  Today I am struggling - I didn't sleep well and I woke up super early.  But I did something that I was never able to do - even years into recovery.....

I took care of myself.  I went for a jog and I prayed & meditated before that.  I cooked some healthy food, did the dishes and then took a shower.  I have stuck to my schedule for the day.  Now I'm having some tea and I'm allowing myself some closure by posting this.  And now - I feel better.  Amazing.  I didn't have to drink or do drugs for me to feel better.  I just took care of myself and eventually the feelings shifted. 

I don't have the room in my heart (anymore!) to be angry about this site changing and honestly I have other projects to work on.  And maybe it's just enough.  This has helped me so much.  I needed someplace to put all my thoughts, anger, fears, hopes and dreams.  I needed a place to be creative while I struggled with rebuilding my creative life.  

So.

So here I am graduating myself from my secret blog that maybe 2 people read.  And to you 2 people - thank you!  From the bottom of my heart.  May your life be blessed with whatever creativity you need and want and if you need recovery like me - I hope you get it.  It's a beautiful program and for today - GOD - just today!  I am going to work it.  

Also thank you to this site for giving me a place to put my words, love and angst.  I guess some of us need to write our way through life and I am grateful to have had a place to put this decade long chapter.   

I'm crying!  But it's okay.  Love you SO MUCH Bluebie!  Bye.

PS - Jesus I almost forgot - what's so crazy is that lately I feel like - I think because I have been home so much, meditating more and really being with myself...I have gotten to the core of myself.  The stuff that all the drugs, alcohol, anger, food and busyness covered up.  And I feel like I am really untangling it.  So really there isn't more to say anyway.  I am at a part that I can't write about anyway.  I need to meditate and do the work.  Help others.  Help others!?  Ew.  I'm kidding!  Okay bye bye - biggest hug - xoxoxo

Fuck Me.

Well I guess somehow it's not working now and I have to use the same blog thing as everyone else. Ugh It's such a bummer. I do not feel good today and this is making me so sad. What else can I say. Maybe I should just actually let this go now. I could start a new one somehere else? I will let you know where it is - love you Bluebie bye.

The Good News Is That I Shower More

Now.  I never used to take showers.  I always thought it was because I felt vulnerable when I was naked and cold trying to warm up in the shower....but I think it was just my inability to parent myself well.  So anyway I don't feel well today but I took a shower and put on clean clothes.  I even put on mascara!  And you know what?  I might not feel well but if I was in dirty clothes with dirty hair - I would feel worse.  Is it possible I don't need to take so many showers now?  That maybe none of us do?  I don't know.  All I do know is now that I take a shower everyday, I wake up and look at myself and I think "How the fuck did I not take showers all the time before this?  I LOOK FUCKING NUTS."  I mean I just got up - put on some clothes and fucking got high and REFUSED to do more than that.  Out the door I would go with an angry bun on my head and face the day high as fuck and miserable as fuck too.  Lord.  LORD.  So anyway yeah - I don't feel great today but I have taken care of myself, ran some errands, and took care of myself in a lot of other ways.  I am feeling the void of so many changes in my life - I really am - but what can I do?  I closed a lot of doors so some other ones would open and they haven't opened yet.  Maybe they never will!  But I couldn't stay in those other rooms anymore and that, is mother-fucking that. 

Okay byeeee.

Day 2 of MY BRAND NEW LIFE and everything feels the same

Hmmmm.  Suspicious. 

If you want to know a crazy person - go to any AA meeting and talk to an alcoholic who is in major transition in their life because they will be BONKERS.  Listen I am nuts right now and the world is also INSANE so it is compounded somewhat - my nustsoness.  However my thoughts are - well - just old.

They are just old thoughts, old "tapes" as they say.  It's nothing new - I just haven't had a lot of them for awhile so I forgot how uncomfortable it feels to have them and how SUDDUCTIVE they are - holy fuck.  It's like my brain thinks these thoughts are the most intriguing and FASCINATING thoughts to think.  My brain is like "Get in there!  Dig AROOUUUUUND - figure it out.  You can do it - go there - gooooo to those thoughts and memories and feelings and just BASK IN THEIR GLOW OF FUCKING miseryyyyyyy!  Eat it!  Eat the misery!  Dine on your fucking insanity!  Then GET DESSERT BY GOING ON SOCIAL MEDIA."

So I have decided to write on here instead.  I won't go looking and I won't get dessert.  I jogged today and I refuse to get ill or fat from dessert even though what I am talking about is really social media.

So.  So here I am on Day 2 of my brand new life and well wait - some stuff is different....for example - I took a shower today.  Everyday!  I also drank tea.  And I have still had only 1/3 the amount of coffee I used to have.  I have on clean clothes.  I am in my office - so I have been using my office - I come in here all the time!  I ate vegetables.  I ran errands and I asked my higher power for help.  I meditated.  I ate fruit.  Um - you know what?  This is enough.  I am going to take a time out and meditate again.  Center myself again and just - let go.  It's Friday.  I can get back to it all tomorrow and just exhale right now.  Enjoy this quieter time of evening.  Drop my shoulders and drink some more tea.

Love you Bluebie byeee.

Hola

Well it's a new month and I am wildly relieved for some reason.  I am really traveling on a new path now and I guess the new month makes it very - what's the word - concrete?  New month - new path.  New chapter.  It's got to happen right?  Well it doesn't have to happen but I want it to happen.  I want to move on.  It's sad and hard and uncomfortable and what else?  Lonely.  But I can take it.  I can take it especially because all those things are nothing compared to the abject pain of trying to do the same things over & over again with zero results.  It just feels like scratching for an itch and never getting to the itch.  Not only that, but the itch keeps getting worse!  Fuck me!  I will be lonely and uncomfortable for awhile it's okay.

I am being vague because I don't want to be so specific on here anymore.  This blog is now becoming for me what the programs are for me - spiritual.  Barf I know!  But it's true.  They are spiritual solutions and this blog is about what I am doing spiritually to stay sober, grow and help others.  I wrote that - "help others" and I wanted to vomit!  I mean not really but I did think "ew" in my own head.  So I have plenty of work to do still!  Ha.

Now I'm hot.  Is it hot in here what the fuck is happening.  I turned on the air.  I think it's just humid.  Oh maybe that's why my brain has been so foggy all day.  Um - this is thrilling what I am writing right now.

Um.....hmmmmmm......I'm just scared.  Scared to do this new thing and scared I won't keep myself on track.  Scared I won't be true to myself.  Scared I will be talking to someone who makes me feel like I am floating (in a bad way) and instead of politely excusing myself I will take a weekend trip with them or worse go to the mall and run errands with them.  But here's the truth...

IF I COULD STOP EATING MUFFINS ANGRILY IN MY CAR BY MYSELF THEN I CAN NOT GO TO THE MALL WITH A STRANGER WHO MAKES ME FEEL SICK AND REMINDS OF SOME PART OF MY CHILDHOOD THAT I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER.

Okie dokie.  Gotta go - love you Bluebie.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Kind

Well here I am again - unable to figure out how to be authentically kind, from a kind place inside myself for longer than 15-20 seconds.  I just start remembering "this" or "that" and think so myself "oh now you want me to be kind?  Oh so NOW I am supposed to show up for you when you couldn't even be blah blah blah."  Ew.  Ew so much.  Even writing that was uncomfortable and made me queasy.  I am at some sort of turning point because the resentments and anger are not working but it feels so unbearably impossible to be kind.  It's like I am holding onto for dear life, to my kindness!   It doesn't hurt me to be kind.  I don't have to do more than that.  I can just be kind.  I don't have to give more than I have to give.  Agh - what?

I'm getting lost.  I need to work on something and I think I am just getting distracted.  That's all.  I can be kind.  I can be kind first to myself and take care of myself and then give what kindness I have to give without hurting myself.  I believe it might be that simple.  It's a beautiful day today - just gorgeous.  I have taken really good care of myself.  And as I sit here on the couch I am grateful that I am not hung-over.  I'm not even hung-over emotionally and that is a beautiful thing.  I'm very anxious about this thing I need to work on and I am not quite sure how I am going to pull it off.  I will do my best - I can do my best.  I can put my heart into doing my best.  I will take care of myself and show up and do what I can.  I mean I can do what I can by doing my best - whatever that ends up being.  Lord I love a challenge!  I really, really love a challenge.  Okay let's get to this.  Wish me luck sweet blog - xoxoxo!

Friends With My Anger

My therapist told me to love my anger - to become friends with it. She said "Can't you just love your anger! Just looove it!"  Speaking of anger what the fuck is up with this new format??  It sucks my fucking balls.  Okay here we go - let's do this.  In honor of this wonderful woman who has worked with me for almost 20 years straight!  FUCK THIS STUPID FORMAT.  I am feeling a LOT of anger - my very, good close friend anger is here - she's such a cunt!  But I love her for it.  She doesn't give a flying fuuuuuuuck and she is here to say this new format and having to type sloooowly sucks the hugest hog of a cock and it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. I can't even do this - it's not working!  OMG Fuck this - I will hmmmmm - okay so it looks like this is the only option.  But now it seems to be working better.  How absolutely bizarre.  Okay so.  I don't know - I guess it all goes along with not being a victim - you know?  God - I lost all my oomph by getting angry and trying to figure out how to revert back to the old interface.  Well anyway - I will write more tomorrow - love you.

PS!  Omg - I guess I still have the other one - I somehow saved it.  I kept changing it back to this one so I think I get to keep it!  THIS HAS BEEN A VERY DRAMATIC BLOG POST FOR ME.  Okay so anyway bye.