Confidence in the sunshine.....

I did a show last night and basically tanked.  TANKED.  I wasn't warmed up and I was so tired and out of it.  I also had made myself a set list but didn't memorize it and ha just wasn't prepared.  I have to be prepared!  That's the thing with me - I can't go to the grocery store without a list or I come out with the craziest shit that I will never eat.  Or I will eat and be sorry I ate it.  If I'm going shopping I need an idea or I also buy the craziest shit that I will never wear.  So I semi-prepared and basically phoned it in and bombed for at least 75% of the set.  I got them at the end when I started to do material.  Ugh.  I left thinking why on EARTH did I need to learn that lesson again?  Right?  I didn't let myself beat myself up....just tried to feel the discomfort and move on.  Then came today and guess where I find myself??

Confident in the sunshine.  I am on the bed with my journal and the computer and right before I came to write on here I thought "Fuck that I'm great.  I'm funny and I'm in the game, even if I am a little broken and behind everyone else.  I can do the job and I love it.  I'm awesome."

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???  When have I eve thought that way?  The show was great last week but it wasn't sold out and I know that bothers them but guess what?  It was a great show - the performers were great, people showed up and I hosted the fuck out of that show.  I did the best I could and God knows it wasn't easy with that club I was raising money for not advertising.  Anyway.  So here I am sitting on the bed in the sun and feeling confident.  That's all.  So I didn't do great last night - well that sucked and oh well.  I lost focus.  Also I did so well at the benefit that I think some part of me thought the audience was just going to go fucking crazy for me.  Um no.  Those 8 people at the bar did not go crazy for me. Haha omg.  It's al up to God anyway.  Gonna nap for a few minutes before I get ready for the kids.  Love you Bluebie byeee.

PS I'm reading The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan so good.

Another Sunday!

Hello.  How are you?  I am fine.

That's how I wrote all my notes in 3rd grade.  Man - was I a budding writer or what?  Anyway it's Sunday again and I am in my little office here at home waiting for the salmon to be ready so we can eat dinner.  About 3 more minutes......

It was a good week - did the big show and it was amazing except I started to get diarrhea right after the show ended and it didn't stop until almost 24 hours later.  Fun!  Of the salmon is ready!

Byeeeeeee.

Sunday.

I literally haven't left the house all day and I am not going to.  From a place of power.  Staying home!  Staying in!  I feel great about it!  At best I feel fine about it!  I'm definitely not leaving that's for sure.  I was going to go to an alanon meeting and then I was in the middle of doing stuff in my office and change my mind.  From a place of power.  I'm going to stop saying that now.  Anyway it snowed last night and I just didn't want to go outside today.  I got on the treadmill and did a little yoga.  It is helping me for sure.  I still have all the stomach stuff going on and I have tingling in my feet but the jogging and walking helps make it better.  Now also I am having some sort of strange thing with my nails but I am rubbing tea tree oil on them and hopefully that will help.  Anyway.....I just wanted to write and check in.....I'm going to take a bath in a minute, then get in bed and read.  I am reading Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr.  I also watched her movie which I really enjoyed and actually years ago I read Crazy Sexy Diet.  Is that what it's called?  Yes that's it.  I have 6 more weeks of this Taxol and then I am going to radically change my diet.  I wrote that and then got so tired and thought to myself "No I'm not."  Haha!  But this is what I am thinking.....1.  I do not want to waste another moment of my life being miserable, sick and tired.  So then that requires so any changes!  2.  I want to live and I'm pretty sure I am just going to get sick again unless I make some RADICAL changes.  Even if I don't get sick I am going to be worried about getting sick and I just want to live and enjoy my life, enjoy my guy, enjoy being me and be free from that sick dance I was doing with food and lemon pound cake.  Frosted lemon pound cake.  IM GETTING CONFUSED.  The nurse at the hospital told me that right now it doesn't really matter what I eat because the taxol is destroying my system (Fun!) but after I'm done in 6 weeks then I can go back to eating healthy and it will make a difference.  I should clarify with her that that's what she said.  I am not good at reading directions or listening fully to what people say.  All I heard her say reaaally was I can eat pizza.  Anyway Kris Carr has had and been living with cancer since 2003!  I think?  2004?  A LONG ASS TIME.  She looks amazing, has a great attitude and FEELS great - the most important part.  I have a million books I'm reading......Radical Remission - about people who were cured of cancer and the first thing they all did is radically change their diet.  Man but I fucking love food.  It will not be easy but also - I feel like crap!  This feel like how I was at the end of my drinking....only it's less clear.  the signs at the end of my drinking were all about a big choice - a fork in the road.  Right now it's just all in my head and meanwhile I want mac n' cheese with a side of cupcake.  Alright well that's where I am.  Happily home and figuring out how I am going to stay alive next.  I never ever thought I could live without beer - can I live without lemon poundcake!?  Love you byeeee.

It's the 16th!

How has it been 11 days since I have written?  Oh man.  I have to say shit is intense and difficult.  Not in a super dramatic CRAZY way but just in a constant trickle of shit I can't seem to manage well.  I have all these weird side-effects....bloody/runny nose all the time, earache which seems infected but not going away with antibiotics, so tired, GERD.  Do you know what GERD is?  Mind you I am self-diagnosing myself with this but hold ON THIS IS EXCTING - let me get the definition!


GERD:

Your esophagus is the tube that carries food from your mouth to your stomach. Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) happens when a muscle at the end of your esophagus does not close properly. This allows stomach contents to leak back, or reflux, into the esophagus and irritate it.

IS THAT SEXY OR WHAT?

I think what is the hottest part of this description is the "leak back" part.  Oh yeaaaaah - leak back.  Blech.  Oye.  I'm also having crazy dreams about waitressing and just using drugs and alcohol.  My recurring dream where I remember that even though I go to meetings I drink sometimes and smoke pot sometimes.  Always in the dream I say to myself "Oh yeah I drink sometimes" and then I feel awful.  This is the GERD's fault.  Anyway......I just am not feeling great today.  So tired and bald.  My eyelashes fell out and for some reason that has been so hard!  I guess because the only option is false eyelashes and they look so fake.  I don't know but for some reason it's so upsetting.  I hope they grow back!  My eyebrows also are almost completely gone.  It's a rough look!  I have to go see the guy at the office.  Im late and about to fall asleep.  Maybe I will just cloe my eyes for a couple of minutes.  Love oyu Bluebie bye.

A Mind I Can't Trust

I heard a guy say this last week - holy shit it was last Monday actually.  He said that as an alcoholic he has a different story than someone else about how his life was unmanageable but the powerlessness over alcohol is the same.  He also said he has a mind he can't trust.  So that is this disease right?  A physical malady, spiritual something and a mental obsession.  Ha!  I can't remember the middle part.  I just know it's a physical, mental and spiritual disease.  3 fold!  Great name for a band.  Or not.  WELL ANYWAY.  Mental obsession, spiritual malady and a physical allergy.  Is that it?  Fuck well anyway I have to talk to my sponsor.  They offered me a marijuana card and told me that I could get the kind without THC in it.  This is the thing - I told my sponsor and we talked about it right?  But then we met and she told me that there is only the CBD oil that doesn't have THC in it and I just didn't tell her I already took some during my last chemo.  Why didn't I tell her that?  I feel so weird and shady now.  So whatever I can tell her - I will be honest.  It didn't have THC in it and it didn't get me high - I even have some left.  I just feel weird about not being honest.  Jesus this is tricky.  I have chemo again tomorrow - oh God I am so scared.  It just makes me want to go back to bed.  I have been drinking so much water to try and stay hydrated for my veins.  Okay my computer needs to restart I have to go.  Wish me luck sweet blog - love you.

In Bed With A Shame Sandwich

I'm in bed with a cold and an earache....I also feel so much fucking SHAME.  Christ Almighty it never ends.  I am not entirely sure what's even going on except that I don't feel well and that triggers shame in me for some reason.  I don't have a lot of energy and it's freezing, which makes me want to do even less.  I was supposed to go to my ladies meeting this morning but had to stay home and rest.  I guess it's just that I am compromised from the chemo and I can't cut myself a break.  I'm just hard on myself and this is the one time in my life I don't have to be.  I have cancer!  No one is expecting anything from me.  I have been ignoring the one sponsee I have left...I guess I feel guilty about that?  I feel sick to my stomach like I'm forgetting something or doing something wrong.  I have a show tonight and I am going to get myself ready and go do it.  I don't want to but I think it will make me feel better.  My eyebrows and eyelashes have fallen out and I think that is making me feel bad.  Yesterday I didn't put any makeup on - I just went out all bald-eyed and maybe that makes me feel bad.  I'm lightheaded because I think I'm anemic from the chemo.  I guess I am feeling angry and sorry for myself while also just pissed I cant do anything.  I had such bad dreams last night.....at night I am literally hot and cold at the same time.  I spend all night trying to cool off and warm up.  I struggle with the night and sleeping every night.  OH BOY THIS ISNT HELPING.  Ugh I thought I would come on here, get honest, dump out my feelings and then feel better!  Okay acceptance.  I can accept and be patient.  Patient.  I'm just uncomfortable.  That's it really - just discomfort.  It will shift.  Breathe.  I'm just going to do my best today.  Breathe, get ready, try to have sex with my boyfriend even though it's painful and not really working right now, work on my set and go do my best on the show.  I can just come home and rest after that.  Be grateful I can stay home.  Be grateful I AM home. 

I'm going to this support group for people living cancer right?  Some of these people are so sick.  Look I am allowed to be upset about what is going on with me and it IS upsetting.  But I can put it into perspective.  It's just extremely uncomfortable and emotionally challenging.  It's okay.  I'm okay.  There is sun coming in through the window in the bedroom onto the bed and it is lovely.  It's good I stayed home and took care of myself.  Bye Bluebie bye.