Stayed For My Thinking.

I came for my drinking and stayed for my thinking.  That's a slogan in the program.  And I certainly have stayed for my thinking.  These last few weeks have certainly showed me that.  Last night the guy and I got into an argument.  I believe it was meant to be  a healthy discussion but that's now how it ended.  Then it went over into today and culminated in me smacking the shit out of myself.  Then he suggested I call my therapist which I did.  She asked me to stop doing that to myself and we spoke and she suggested I just spend some time alone - which I did - for the entire rest of the day and I finally started to feel a tiny bit better a little while ago.  I did some step work and I just was able to see - something.  Who knows what - I'm too fucking tired now to delve too deeply into anything or even remember what all the details are.  I just know I'm an alcoholic with negative thinking and depressive behavior.  Maybe I do remember.  Anyway - I'm better than I was years ago but for some fucking reason I am dipping back into the depression and the sadness.  I'm sure it's my father - how can it not be??  Am I supposed to be OVER it?  It's been 7 months so who cares??  No.  I don't know.  I felt like I had so much to say and that it was important to say and now I just want to watch Friends.  What the fuck am I going to do when the last episode plays?  My GOD - anything!  I could start watching Law and Order from the beginning again - that was amazing.  Watching a show before and after plastic surgery that has a lot of older actors on it is fascinating - holy shit.  Anyway I guess I still have a lot of negative thinking and maybe one day those grooves in my brain will move over and start a new path.  How do people do it?  How do I keep going?  I can't keep slapping myself but it's better than slapping someone else right?  Maybe no one should get slapped.  Maybe I need to meditate more - even though I meditate a lot.  It's okay - it's just a dip.  Bye.

Who cares?

I mean that in the good way.  This last month found me super depressed - very dark - very "What's the point and I'm a failure and for some reason I can't get off the couch I need to eat I need to eat I need to eat."  DARK - it was so dark.  Sad.  Just old, old sadness and I'm sure the new sadness of losing my father and who knows what else.  I landed in it.  So I went to the holistic doctor again (the snake doctor) and he gave me some stuff but more that that he said I was depressed and validated that I would be and made me feel like there was something that could be done about it.  So what in the fuck is my point I forgot already.  Oh yes......what also happened was these negative thought loops came up again - about other people and mistakes I have made and all the examples of what a piece of shit I am,  I mean holy shit - just pervasive and like a mental attack of myself - awful.  I just have this image of my mind being in space and it just being attacked Star Wars style - just shit coming at my mind rapid fire and so quickly and strongly that I just can't get away from it or even tell it's not real.  I mean it's real it's just not out of my control I guess.  I feel like the worst part of those thoughts is they seem so real.  It's all the proof - all the proof of why I should never and can never be happy.  But not only that - I should also be ashamed of myself.  OH MY GOD HOW AWFUL IS THAT???  Right?  Jesus Fucking Christ.  So today - today I am meditating and I realize who cares?  Who cares if I did make tons of mistakes?  Who cares?  I am a good person.  I love my family and I have cleaned up so much of my life and I work so hard at growing, loving and changing my nature.  And it doesn't matter.  It's just some stuck groove in my brain - it's not real and it doesn't matter.  Who cares.  I don't care.  I do not fucking care anymore.  I will make more mistakes and it's fucking fine.  I have to go.  I have so much shit to do today and it's actually SUNNY out right now!!  Oh my God I just want to go sit in it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Depression - The Other White Meat

Christ I am blue.  I just feel so fucking sad.  I can think of a ton of reasons why but the only one that really makes sense is that I am actually depressed.  Like a chemical thing.  It's okay.  I'm dressed, I'm clean, I'm going to do a seminar, I'm fed and I have had plenty of coffee, green tea and vitamins.  PLENTY.  I can't help but think some of this is from drinking way too much coffee so I have burnt out my serotonin or something somehow.  I don't know - Winter stinks that's all.  Over the weekend people told me that tutors get paid a ton of money per hour - which I had no idea and so now I feel like these French fuckers are taking advantage of me.  This is the thing though - um - Im not a tutor - hello.  I am helping them yes but not with math!  Not at all - can't do it.  I'm basically a babysitter.  I don't know - I think I'm going to take some classes and figure out how to become a tutor next.  Till then I can get some experience here.  I am fucking exhausted.  Jesus.  I literally barely did anything today and I took a nap and I'm so tired.  See?  I'm depressed.  It's okay.  I'm just going to keep saying that - it's okay.  It feels necessary and I'm not sure why.  I miss my mother.  I feel like I should leave her alone because she is grieving and she has my other sister there.  Ah - it's so sad to me.  Ugh - I am just a ball of uncomfortable feelings.  The worst - it's sickening.  Do you know what makes me feel better?  Friends.  I just watch Friends.  All the time.  Every night.  Sometimes during the day.  It's the only thing besides cooking that makes me feel better.  I mean getting on stage does but good Lord - that just doesn't happen enough.  At all.  I need to hustle and get some shows.  Trying to hustle when I am depressed is like trying to scream in a dream - it doesn't happen.  Okay - well this has been lovely no?  Wish me luck and a broken leg on this seminar - love you Bluebie bye.

Well Here I Am - I Brought Me With Me

So now I am spending all this time at home which I thought I would love but now I'm finding it depressing.  I guess because I am so stresses about getting the kids and doing the job right that I am just sitting here in anticipation.  The first day did not go well.  It was raining and I parked in the wrong spot at the school, which was a MAD HOUSE of cars and angry mothers - no one would help me and I was TERRIFIED because I couldn't remember what the kids looked like and I knew they didn't know my car.  I finally got them after a mother literally screamed at me from her car.  Of course I thought she was going to be nice so when she started to roll down her window I smiled and waved.  Man - let me tell you what - there is nothing more horrifying than a mother with horrible plastic surgery screaming at you "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!  YOU CAUSED THAT WHOLE MESS BACK THERE!!"  Which I didn't - there was another car in front of me and like 10 to the other side of me.  Anyway then I - you know what I'm not even going to get into it.  The point is once again I am doing what I want to do and I am miserable.  I guess it's safe to say I am deeply unhappy about something else.  How can I have done all this work on myself for all these years and I'm STILL so uncomfortable and miserable?  I know I am not being patient and letting myself see if this can work out but it's SO FUCKING BORING and it's so consuming of my energy.  I don't see how I can do this and do shows and go on auditions?  And the whole time I can't figure out if these kids like me and if I am even doing a good job.  I'm so worried about them and yet is this even working for me?  They are sweet - the parents seem very nice.  Is it a good fit?  I have no idea.  I'm so confused.  I wouldn't say this is fulfilling me in anyway but I guess it's not supposed to.  WHAT IS WWORNG WITH ME?  Why am I so engulfed in my own feelings all the time?  CHRIST.  And still - I have no fucking energy.  I'm so fucking tired all the time.  I put myself to sleep.  I pray & meditate.  I write in my journal.  I have been exercising.  Maybe I need to dance and listen to music.  That would help.  Right?  OH BOY.  What is good?  What is positive?  I went grocery shopping last night after an alanon meeting and that was great.  I had fun grocery shopping.  Oh my GOD - HOLY Fuck - it's like I am a 85 year old retired woman.  Good God.  I have never even had a career and now I'm retired.  I need LIFE.  I need A LIFE.  I need passion and inspiration.  I NEED TO LAY DOWN.  Love you Bluebie bye.