Exhausted.....

but thrilled.  Well maybe thrilled is the wrong word - fascinated?  I am fascinated at things moving in a different direction.  I did that show Wednesday and managed to get myself to that extra work yesterday on time and get a decent night's sleep and get myself back here to the store today.  I mean I guess - what?  I forgot what I was going to write.  Im not sure if extra work is really for me- holy shit it's crazy.  Anyway.  What again?  Im a little foggy and having trouble with negative thinking.  I have 3 more weeks of working here.  Holy shit.  I have worked here for 4 years.  Long enough to have gone to college again!  Im ready to go.  I guess.  I feel like I finally just - you know what?  No.  Im not going to write how I finally just figured out how to get here, find cheap food blah blah blah.  It's time to move on!!!  3 years ago!!!  Haha - at least 2!!  WOW.  Um - I love you?  Hahaha Im crazy right now.  I made my coffee SO strong this morning - lord Im going to crash.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Oh boy.

I got a new job.  I went for the interview, trained the next day and they hired me.  I gave her my notice here at the store - and she never wrote me back.  I even ASKED her if she got the email.  It's so ironic because I started to doubt my decision.  I went to an audition yesterday and when I came back I walked a different way than I normally do and I was like "Oh I love this area - oh it's so pretty right here oh I'm going to miss this."  UM WHAT?  Anyway so her ignoring me completely is helping.  I just need to get out of here.  I gave her a month but if she doesnt want that - that's fine.  WOW.  Im also getting busier with comedy which is amazing and terrifying.  Okay I really cant write anymore - the store has been so crazy busy.  OF COURSE.  So I love you sweet blog - let's see what happens!

Burping. Stress. And Love.

Trying to stay positive and working hard but not killing myself.  It's so fucking confusing to be honest.  I just want to either do comedy 100% of the time or not at all.  I mean it is fucking excruciating doing it in a methodical manner.  It's practically fucking killing me.  Which is where the burping comes in I guess.  I mean I can't stop burping.  I'm just stressed out.  I went on a job interview - I can type 36 words a minute.  Man am I skilled or what?  On another note I am having these wonderful weekends with the guy - we go to the beach - go visit people - go to meetings - it's amazing.  Ugh and then I'm so stressed out?  It's crazy.  Well it's also hot as fuck - so humid too.  I hosted a show last night - got home at 1:30 - because someone gave me a ride home - thank GOD.  I have been doing sit-ups, some yoga - walking everywhere - changing my eating habits and DEAR GAO - I feel like I have gained weight.  What the fuck?  See - I can't think positive.  Im exhausted.  Busy.  Busy is good.  Anyway - haha - at least I didnt eat a muffin yet.  And Im just not able to see how things are going to work out.  How can I afford my class?  How can I pay my rent?  How can I get enough stage time?  How can I - I dont know what - live?  Save for the future?  Stop panicking every time I save more than $20. Isn't that the weirdest thing ever?  I get a very real sense of doom whenever I save even the tiniest amount of money.  At some point I really need to understand what that is about.  I'm tired.  I feel so grateful - I was crying last night as I was walking away from the meeting I was at towards where the show was.  All the things I got to calmly see as I walked - it just seemed so beautiful.  The buildings, an old lady trying to text.....Okay and then as I am writing this some lady from this neighborhood where the store is - walked in with her horrible hair and asked me in sucha  cunty passive aggressive voice if we were going out of business.  She is a frumpy, dumpy cunt.  UGH.  SEE HOW GRATEFUL I AM.  Unreal - Im terrified of this job ending but I don't like it.  Oh she is trying on a scarf that looks like a table cloth.  OH MAN I HOPE SHE BUYS IT.  Im trying - I swear to God - Im trying.  Bye.

Eat Pretty.

Im reading a book my sister told me to read called Eat Pretty.  It's absolutely fantastic - for me.  Im also reading Sick In The Head and it's also fabulous.  Just a couple more weeks till my anniversary - today I feel better and I am - what?  Going to get to it today.  Live and get to it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

2 small miracles (for me)

akid was sitting next to me on the subway and he wasn't even man spreading - he just kept brushing his uberly soft skin arm up against mine and it was growiing me out.  I felt annoyed and like he should have been the one to adjust himself since I was in the seat first.  Whatever - I wanted to get up - or hit him with my bag (one of my favorite subway moves) and/or huff and puff - blah blah blah.  All things that would ultimately hurt me.  I moved my own arm so I wouldnt have to be picking up on his weird images in my mind (part of the reason I dont like touching strangers to begin with) and just didnt do anything.  I just felt annoyed and moved myself.  Miracle number 1.  HEre's the next one.  An older woman came in here - to the store - she's been in here before - shes a racist and shes horrible - she told another customer once to "Go back to the country you came from."  I think I wrote about her before.  Anyway she came in - went in the dressing room with a dress - pulls the curtain aside and heads towards my water - brand new big bottle of Poland Spring s- the BIG bottle - and says "Can I wash my hands?"  I said - "no - we don't have a sink" she says "Cant I use your water?"  I said "No!  That's my drinking water!"  She says - all demanding - "Can't I just have some?"  I say okay - fine - I gave her a paper towel - I open the water and I go to pour some on her hands - and she's - ha - trying to catch it and then she just GRABS the bottle AND STICKS HER BIG OLD LADY THUMB in my brand new bottle of water.  She gives the fucking bottle a good old rim job and then says thanks.  Ha and OMG are you fucking kidding me?  Then she asks all sarcastically if I want her to buy me another water.  "Do you want me to go get you another water?"  Anyway - this is the point.  By the time she left - and had driven 2 other customers away - I had decided the owner of the store is buying me a new bottle of water right?  I BLAMING the owner for this.  I go to grab money out of the cash box and then - then it just felt so uncomfortable.  I was like - no - no Im just going to go for a walk instead and take money out of the bank, throw this water out and get a new water.  Listen - I know I will have old lady thumbs one day very soon and I know I could have probably just drank the water.  She also could have just gone and BOUGHT me a water - she didnt need to ask me 75 times.  She's a horrible person.  However - I ultimately said yes - to giving her some water to begin with - I didnt need to.  It wasn't the owner's fault!  I wasn't going TO STEAL money to buy another bottle of water.  I mean I really had to stop myself.  Listen I hate being responsible for my own feelings it sucks.  But Im not going to be thief because some racist old cunt was pushier than I was prepared to deal with.  Whatever - I guess it's 2 very small wins.  Miracles?  I still have pms - love you Bluebie bye.

Just a thought.

I was walking to a show last night - I had blisters on my feet from walking around all day - I was tired and feeling the show might not be worth it.  Then I thought - "be positive - this is fun- it's China Town - it's an adventure - this is great - it's nyc - Im so happy to be here - this is great" and then my feet stopped hurting and my whole body felt different.  that's all - just a thought.  So powerful.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Blech.

Soooooo - I did a show last night that was - I dont know - fun but I lost focus.  Someone's phone rang and then a bunch of drunk guys came in.  The good part was there WAS a show and I didn't completely bomb and a new joke Im working on is doing well.  This is the bad part.  I only seem to do really well if I practice 500 times before I go up.  Honest to GAWD - I dont know if I can do that - I really don't.  Okay and I am fucking starving right now.  Ugh and sigh.  Well anyway - um - what the fuck is my point?  Am I seriously complaining that I cant somehow be magically good at something without trying?  HA - yes - yes I am.  OKAY.  Well - good - now if I cant keep myself from destroying my relationship while I'm at it that would be wonderful too.  Jesus.  I forgot my phone this morning and had to go back for it.  I made a choice - that being that I would rather be late than TORTURE myself all day worried about who may or may not be calling me.  I wasnt even that late is the crazy thing.  Omg WHAT the fuck am I writing about?  I have pms.  I need to go eat something healthy before I order a burger.  Love you bye.

Day 2161.

Wow - I just realized my 6 year anniversary is coming up fairly soon.  Beginning in September - oh duh - September 3rd - one month from today.  WOW.  That at this very moment seems mind blowing to me.  Okay so the weekend was good - but the week was rough.  I have been having a rough time although I went to the beach yesterday and today I got to put a mud mask on my whole upper body and relax before the guy drove me home.  I just made myself lunch which was lovely and in a couple of hours I'm going to go for a walk in the park and go to a meeting.  I did a show over the weekend that was reasonable good - I worked a lot on it - wrote, re-wrote and practiced it a ton of times.  Now I'm just waiting to see the recording which I do hope is indeed going to happen.  Haha - somehow I have a feeling it didn't work or something.  Well - whatever - it was good and the hard work paid off.  I need to figure out my week.  I don't know.  I'm going to try to go to some clubs - some other places where I don't usually go.  Ugh - terrifying.  So fucking scary.  Okay - maybe 2 open mics and 2 clubs to visit.  There - that's what I'm going to do.  Holy shit it's hot in my apartment.  The guy is great and well - patient.  I just - I'm - ugh - I just get annoyed and upset - him not being divorced yet, my job ending - haha - having no money.  Oh but seriously blah, blah blah.  I'm so fucking grateful to be sober.  Sober and in alanon.  Even if I am super uncomfortable and feeling shame & humiliation on a consistent basis (ha) - at least I'm not pissing on myself and throwing up every morning from my own doing.  And yelling at people.  I yelled at people so much.  When I was drinking and the first 3 years of my sobriety and 3 weeks ago.  Oye.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.