I peed in the sink.

I didn't get home until 2:00 last night - I hosted a show and I woke up this morning to talk wit my alanon sponsor.  That has nothing to do with anything except that I woke up exhausted.  I also woke up having to pee so badly I don't even know how I didn't wake up before that.  Well right when I woke up my boyfriend got in the shower and he always locks the door and we don't pee in front of each other anyway - which I am totally fine with.  His place has 2 bathrooms - mine does not.  I tried to hold it - started to make my coffee - I mean he doesn't even take long showers - I hadn't even been asleep for THAT long - I was sure I could hold it and then suddenly - I was sure I couldn't.  So I hoisted myself up and peed in the kitchen sink. I mean come on - what's the fucking difference right?  I have to tell you although I felt tremendous relief - I also felt completely stupid perched up on the edge of the kitchen sink like that.  I felt it best not to let him in on that little piece of information.  Anyway - I'm so tired today.  I was so tired yesterday and I thought I was going to rest and go to sleep early but then I got booked for that show.  I'm just a little fried I guess.  I have time today to take care of myself know.  I just prayed/meditated and I'm going to go into the park and then organize and clean up around here.  I'm not sure how to have a better attitude when I'm tired.  I guess I just have to practice that.  I suppose the better care I take care of myself each day the less I will get thrown off on days when I'm going to be up late and up early.  Okay.  Whatever.  Not whatever - I just need some exercise and I will feel better.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Hello.

Okay - so I just made a promise to myself that I will write everyday.  I'm so tired.  I already wrote in my journal (I KNOW IT SOUNDS SO GAY) and now I'm here.  Speaking of GAY - it's great day in history!!!  Hooray!!  I love gays and I love rainbows and I absolutely love love.  So hooray it's a beautiful day.  Everyone gay can marry in America just like everyone else!!  So I had a frustrating week alanonically wise - I am just no longer able to tolerate the same behavior from people.  Wait - let me clarify that to say that I no longer think I deserve to have to put up with wack-job behavior from people.  I simply don't have to be part of it.  The confusing part is that I am soon going to be out of people to talk to - haha.  No seriously though I need to meet more healthy performers!  People?  I don't know.  Yes I do - yes I do know very much so.  What?  But also it's not about me.  Other people aren't about me.  I used to be a dick when I was drinking and even if I said it was because of other people - it wasn't - it was because of me.  Now when people ask me to do things I don't want to do and they act needy and cray cray - it's not about me and I don't have to - stick around for it.  OR even BETTER - I don't have to go back FOR MORE!!  I am making some very slow but positive progress even though it might not actually sound like it.  Because what's different is that I don't want to fuck these people over - I just want to be happy and healthy and not have to deal with them - does that make sense?  On a side note I am eating toasted Exotic Black Rice Bread with peanut butter and you would think it's a fucking fudge caramel loaded sundae the way I'm eating it.  Lord!  Amen I love you bye.

Day 2122.

So this app I have tells me how many days I have been in recovery (I'm sure I have written that 12 times) and today is Day 2122.  Lord have mercy - unbelievable.  What's most unbelievable and amazing tome is not just that I have drank for that many days but that I'm slowly getting healthier also. SO SLOWLY.  Holy shit.  But today I took a shower, drank a green drink, prayed & meditate, walked through the park and brought an apple with me.  I also have on clean clothes and I am more or less comfortable in them.  Oh it's going to be busy here again today I can just tell so I wanted to write really quickly.  Something - I don't know what it is - I have to think differently about my career now.  I thought or think I thought that I could do it the way I did it last time - when I first started.  But everything has changed now - it's a completely different world and I am a different person and although it has worked a little bit - I am now left realizing I need to do something different.  SO.  So what in the world is it?  I don't know!  I'm asking people questions.  Ugh - it's quite frustrating - and confusing.  And you know I have decided that me taking care of myself, continuing to grow and be kind in these programs - while searching for ways I can contribute even more to this world - is being of service.  I'm not directly saving babies in Africa but who knows - maybe I am!  What?  Or I will.  What?  Lord I need some water.  My brain is flying in 50 million directions - I need to calm down or I'm going to be tired in 45 minutes and the day hasn't even started yet!  Breathe.  I'm going to pee and breathe.  Amen.  Love you Bluebie bye.

HiYA!

Karate CHOP!  What?  I have been so busy!!  It's so hard to write on here consistently but also I am reading a fabulous book that has me by the BALLS.  I can't stop reading it.  Hold on.  Okay I guess it's almost 800 pages long but I'm reading it on my ipad and it's 1400 pages long!  Haha.  It's called The Goldfinch and I LOVE IT.  Omg - it's so good.  Okay so the guy is great - so sweet - so loving.  We went to my parents for Father's Day and he cooked everyone steaks and they gave him a $50.00 gift card.  HA.  I was like "WOW - they don't want you going anywhere!"  Haha.  It was so nice.  I'm okay - slightly or more than slightly frustrated by my career being so slow going.  However, I am trying to take better and better care of myself - each day - so that's good.  I don't have class for the Summer so I can take the time to really focus on my comedy.  I feel like something is happening but I don't know what it is.  I mean creatively.  On another note I felt like I was being followed forever, it went away and now it's back again.  It's so fucking weird AND I look like a complete wacko stopping in the street and turning around trying to catch someone following me.  I'm not clever enough to figure out if someone is indeed following me - ugh - it's so weird.  Wow - I just got tired.  So - I guess I'm okay - I'm just going along trying to live well, grow well and stay sober.  I stood up to the other girl that works here though!  That's a good thing!  I just said "No."  And she was being very manipulative too and I just said no.  No I can not do it.  I don't want to do what you are asking me and that's it!  Once I realized I was going to be angry if I said yes to her - I realized it wouldn't be good for me - that it's unhealthy to do that.  It's not my job to help her out and anyway I have a million times.  So that was a great development.  Um - what?  I mean for me it is?  You know I write these things and then I'm like "WHY AREN'T I SAVING STARVING BABIES IN AFRICA??"  Ugh.  But who can save starving babies if they can't say no to someone?  Right?  What?  I have to save me FIRST for fucking once.  JESUS!  Why is this upsetting me all over again?  Hahahaa.  Okay bye.

Keeping clean.

So I'm working on this scene for class and got all confused about this guy being hot (even though I had no idea until a week ago) and me being horny and ridiculous and suddenly thinking maybe I'm supposed to have this guy's babies - right?  I'm mean WHAT the fuck is that?  He has a girlfriend and I have a BOYFRIEND - who I am IN LOVE with and I have zero desire to have a baby right now.  So then yesterday I rush to this rehearsal with a director and this guy - I'm all sweaty and I wore this hilarious but hideous costume and he shows up looking - UNREAL - gorgeous and then we rehearse like 20 minutes and he leaves to go to a show.  Then I couldn't stop thinking about how fat I am (which I'm not - I gained a few pounds but come on - and I'm not just saying that - if anything I'm just BLOATED) and how maybe he would like me better if I wore a nicer costume and I didn't have veins in my legs and what color is his girlfriend anyway??  And it felt AWFUL.  It felt like how I always used to be with men - "Does he like me - is he going to call?  I wonder if I wore yellow if he would like me better?"  WHAT?  I went to a meeting after the rehearsal and I realized how I was being.  Just crazy.  I shared about it the meeting and then something shifted.  Isn't that so scary?  I just slipped away a little bit in my thinking and behavior.  But it's okay I nipped it in the bud.  Or the meeting nipped it in the bud?  I wonder why that happened though?  I haven't been as good with my program - it's been so busy at the store and it's so hard to take phone calls.  I've been running around and doing and trying to get other odd jobs to supplement my income - I'm just flustered.  But that's okay - I have today to get myself together here.  I guess I just had some sort of emotional slip or something?  I DEFINITELY have not been working on my alanon stuff enough or gone to enough meetings.  Hello.  Gotta go sell some tunics - love you Bleubie bye.

Hi.

Well - I've been running around a lot this week and now I'm tired.  I got the owner to let me hire my friend so I could go to an interview to get a little job and who knows - I think the job isn't going to be as big as I thought it could be - BUT - I advocated for myself  and that's a great beginning.  UGH.  I'm all flustered and crazy.  I should go the store is busy.  I still love my guy and I'm fatter than ever.  I have a super hot scene partner from class who I didn't realize was hot until I put on my glasses.  I'm getting old.  Older, wiser and fatter.  I love myself.  What?  Love YOU Bluebie bye.

Repetition Compulsion.

This old thing again.  That's why my therapist said I continue to try and get the owner of the store to recognize me as a valuable employee.  It's me trying to get someone narcissistic and cray cray to see how wonderful I am.  It's like dating the same awful dude over & over again.  She said it's the hardest thing in all psychoanalysis to break.  Fun!!!!  Soooooo - gotta go - going to do a photo shoot where I'm a tourist.  That's fun right??  I mean for real not sarcastic.  Haha.  Bye byeeeeee sweet Blueber of my dreams.

Ch-ch-ch-chaaaanges - turn and face the strain....

So I have an opportunity next week - okay wow - before I go into a super long back-story - this is the deal.  I need to ask the owner to hire someone else so I can go on auditions and go to jobs if I get them.  I need some more flexibility here at this job or I need to get a new one that is more flexible - that's it.  So I need to write her a letter and I am terrified.  I feel like - who the fuck do I think I am?  But if I don't advocate for myself I will be here forever - or not - but not growing.  I take all these classes, do all the shows and I can't even go on auditions!  For thin - who knows what I was writing there.  Someone came into the store.  Anyway - I need to get my balls in check and do this - just ask for what I would like - kindly and then move forward.  Without being a victim.  Is that possible?  Is that even possible???  I like working here - I love selling clothes - BUT - I love acting and comedy more and I want to let myself move towards that - which is also fucking TERRIFYING.  It also makes me thing - who the fuck do I think I am.  Terrifying.  Yikes.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Home again home again jiggidy jig.

I'm back from vacation and it was so wonderful.  So - just mind blowing really.  I can't believe how much I love this man and that we can travel together is just so much fun.  We went to this beautiful wedding in a vineyard - at a vineyard in the mountains - SO GORGOEUS.  We went to see my sister and her family, went to the beach - I did shows - I performed out there!  We slept late and made waffles.  It was just so fun.  He loves comedy this guy.  He's so supportive.  It's just mind blowing.  We drove to LA and I did a show there - which was ROUGH - but I did it.  I don't know.  Im back now and wondering how in the world I can look 20 years younger by tomorrow.  Im not sure why.  Im also not sure its going to happen.  He surfed and I - did what?  Sat on the beach with my sister - haha.  And the kids.  I felt like I had so much to say.  We went to tons of meetings.  I just feel refreshed and good.  I also feel as driven as ever to do comedy but I don't know where in the world to start.  Im going to do some yoga and go to bed.  Im so grateful.  Tired and grateful.  Oh my credit card got stolen!  I tried to pay for dinner for my friends for their new marriage and the card got declined.  HA - how embarrassing is THAT.  Then it was because someone stole it and they shut it off.  WELL it was reaaaally hard not to be like OMG IT WASNT ME IT WAS SOMEONE STOLE MY CARD - then you are right.  What?  Im tired - love you Bluebie bye.