Bored out of my fucking mind...

Ha so funny - I always want to be alone and have time to myself and now I'm like SOMEONE PLEASE TALK TO ME.  Oh boy. So I'm still here and today I get to drive this old ass truck and be a drunk again so that should be fun.  Im super exacted to drive the truck for some reason. Well okay so I don't know what else to say. I managed to get on the treadmill this morning and a couple other times while I was here. I got some projects done and I certainly rested. Maybe the next job I get will be someplace by the beach - a warm beach! This has been a great experience and everyone has treated me so nicely. I miss my guy like crazy holy shit. I miss him SO much. He's been so sweet while I have been here.  I need a real cup of coffee holy fuck. Anyway they just made my call time even later so I thought I would take a minute to write. I'm drinking and driving today and I wonder what they are going to use for the boozer probably just an empty beer can with water in it right? Okay love you Bluebie byeeeee.

First Day....

SO MUCH FUN. I really don't know what else to say omg it was so much fun. The last scene we just shot we got into a crazy screaming match and I just fucking loved it. Except for the part where I had to smoke. It was seriously fucking disgusting. Okay I'm exhausted now but I just had to say how much fun that was - I just fucking loved it. I was so fucking scared this morning - the other actors are so good and it's a huge crew. But it was okay - I rose to the occasion and the director directed me well. I'm not shooting tomorrow so now I have another day off I think tomorrow. That's okay - maybe I will get in the pool? I miss my guy. Okay I have to go to sleep. I did go to the bar after so I could have a soda water but then I just had to come back to my room. So that was okay. It felt okay but I don't want to spend hours in a bar jeez. Looooove you Bluebie byeeeee.

Today....

Okay so I stayed in the hotel all day and had a nice lunch, jogged and took a long shower. I have a car coming to get me to bring me to a meeting that I hope will be happening.  I called the number I found for AA here and this sweet old man answered and he sounded like y father until he started to really all and I heard his mid-western accent.  He took my number -pulled his truck over so he could write it down and the called me bac to tell me what meetings he knew of.  I almost started crying. I woke up a little bit of a mess and felt off my game you know? It made me feel a million times better that someone was willing to reach out there hand. He sad it's a service position. One person takes the phone line for 3 months and then someone legs does it. Can you imagine!? How beautiful is that? He just waiting for some alcoholic to call and ready to pull his truck over and write down a number so he can get home and look I his meeting book or do whatever that person might need help with. Holy fuck. For nothing. I'm just about to cry again. Everyone here that I'm acting with has Southern accents and now I feel like I'm getting one - at least in my head anyway.  Okay so I've done some work and I'm ready to go to the meeting. Some drama on set because the drone got caught in the tree or in a tree I should say.  Yikes. With the camera in in and the tree was over the water. Yikes again. There is a shit ton of people here working on this movie. Okay well I should do some more work. Love you Bluebie bye.

The hotness.....

The guy playing my husband is so fucking hot. I just looked at his girlfriend on Facebook and she is also gorgeous and she looks so nice.  He has the fucking harries arms and it's so - attractive.  So when did this happen in my life? That hair became so attractive? It's so hot to me! Is it because I'm not eating gluten?  That's  all I'm not eating.  Just gluten. I can't put down the potatoes or cheese completely yet. Come on! Who can do all that at once? He's so hot he makes me want to be skinny. Um I'm not going to be but I want to.  Hahahaaaa. Anyway I'm having fun and made it through rehearsals today and hair, makeup and costumes. Man did they make me look like trash.  It was great! I've noticed myself bullshitting while on this trip.  Trying to sound like I'm doing more than I am or something. Also the other night at the club I noticed myself bullshitting COMPLETELY. As I was saying what I was saying I said to myself  "why are you saying this you don't believe that?" But I said it anyway and then tried to defend myself. Because the other person was like um no.  I just got my period I'm so tired. Right as soon as I was done today I got it.  How nice of my body to wait till I had a break. Now I just need to figure out how to get someone to drive me to a meeting tomorrow night. I just have to be ballsy that's all. I can do that. I have the next 2 days off but I have soooo much to do. So much work to do and work on this script. It is absolute heaven having my own room. I just can't be around people all the time. I'm so hungry to do more comedy. I wish I could do more while I'm here or I mean any while I'm here. The town is so tiny and most of it is closed because it's the off season. I mean I love it I can't help it. Comedy. I find it interesting. I just watched someone who was on Colbert last night and he's so fucking funny - I wish I was half that well- written. Is that a word or thing?  Whatever he is I want in on it. I'm actually going to take a few minutes and work in my set. I'm a comedy nerd maybe. Maybe. Bye.

Whoa.

How did it not occur to me that people would want to go out and drink? Jesus fucking Christ.  Okay I worked it out - I said I needed to organize myself in the room, got in here and texted and said I needed to go to bed early. Which I do. And this by the way is why I fell apart last time. I went out and was hung over and a mess the next day or at least just not totally fresh and ready to work.  My roomies over looking the lake and it's gorgeous.  The lake is frozen over and has snow all over it. There are evergreens surrounding the bloke and it's fucking gorgeous.  I wonder what lake it is? Ha! Where am I? We drove almost 5 hours to get here and it's literally in the middle of nowhere - it's awesome! I can't wait to get out there tomorrow. Why didn't I bring boots I can walk around in? I will go buy some so I can get out there. Anyway I'm tired for real - I've been up since 4:00 and I did a show last night. How do I take care of myself and not be rude? I'm not sure. Anyway this is super exciting.  Can't wait to get started filming.  My eyes are burning. I'm watching women's basketball to just drown out the thoughts in my head saying I should have gone out with them and just eaten a steak. I don't need a steak or drinks. Fuck. My Dad loooooooved women's basketball. Loved it. So fucking funny. He was a good basketball player.  He was 6 fort 2 by the time he was in 8th grade.  Holy shit! He said his coach was so excited because he thought he would keep growing but he didn't. Haha that's funny right that it's sad he was only 6'2"? I'm so tired. Okay so I'm going to take a shower and go to bed.  Uh oh someone fell down on the court and needs her leg rubbed.  No wonder my father liked watching this.  Love you Bluebie byeee.

Day 2752

Okay so I am doing okay - super grateful to be sober and SOOOOO grateful to not be in the city for St. Patrick's Day - holy fuck.  I slept pretty well and did my morning routine although I am off myself and my timing.  It's taken me 4 hours what should take 2.5 hours MAX.  Anyway.....I am sitting here waiting for information about my flight to this job next week and I am not sure what lesson I am being taught but I am not getting any answers.  I have plenty of things to do anyway.  I have to say separate not e- I have been eating less carbs or really gluten based carbs and I feel better and lost a pound even though I have PMS.  Also the PMS seems better.  I swear to God one of my favorite past times is researching EXACTLY what I am supposed to be eating according to my blood type, body type, ethnicity, geno-type and any other thing I can figure out and then doing it for a week - forgetting about it and going to Wendy's and Dunkin Donuts for a year and then doing the same thing all over again.  Maybe this time it will stick because even after just a week or so of slightly adjusting my diet I feel a lot better.  He says in that book Eat Right For Your Type that it's about putting the right fuel in your body.  I read that book years ago and then completely forgot all of it.  I'm such a fucking addict.  I really have the "built-in forgetter" that they talk about in the program.  I will start to eat better, feel better and then decide I can eat what ever I want and get so upset and confused when I feel sick again.  I guess I should approach food the same way I approach drugs and alcohol.  Although I can't totally do that since I can never do those again safely.  I can probably eat a donut just not every other day.  Or even once a week?  Do I really need to eat a donut ever?  Maybe!  Just not as a regular part of my diet.  How bad do I want a donut now?  Ha.  Okay so I have to go now and get myself ready to pick up these kids.  They were so good yesterday and being very sweet.  So they should be monsters today!  Hopefully they won't have any homework and then we can just chill.  Oh MAN - my life has really changed!  Well and the best change is that I get to be sober.  Fuck - I know it's so nerdy but I am so fucking grateful to be sober and have all the tools and structure of the program.  Programs.  And therapy!  But just left to myself I'm a mess or at least I just can't really navigate through life.  Gotta gooooo - love you Bluebie byeeee.

Family.

My Mom and my sister came to visit this afternoon.  IT WAS SO NICE!!!  The guy was so happy that they came.  We cleaned and got flowers......we like being homey together so that was nice.  Then we took them out to lunch and came back here and had cake.  I made a cake last night but I had PMS so I couldn't stop eating it while I was frosting it.  I REALLY thought I could eat the bottom part of one layer then cover it up with frosting.  Then I couldn't do that so I told myself I should eat the same part of the other layer and then just frost the whole cake and it would just look like and oddly shaped cake.  The only problem with that is you can not frost a cake unless it has been baked - I mean there has to be that baked part of the cake - once its crumbly - the inside part of the cake - ITS A TOTAL MESS.  The cake looked like someone just took that half of it and squashed it with their hands.  Anyway note to self don't bake a cake when I have PMS.  It was so sad that they were coming to visit and my father wasn't going to be with them.  But then it was okay when they got here.  Ugh.  Ugh its the hardest thing.  He would have liked it here - it's such a sunny, sweet apartment.  Anyway its was just so nice and lovely.  I feel so lucky and grateful to have them in my life and that I am sober and can have people over and not be like - I don't know - a mess.  You know?  Okay I have to go and watch this movie my sister told us to watch.  Love you Bluebie bye!

Freaking Out - A little bit...

Okay so this job is happening or at least it really seems to - I filled out paperwork and now I'm doing that weird semi-shut down thing and freaking the fuck out. Fuck this is scart. Okay I don't know what to do. I'm on my way to therapy right now and I have a full week and this weekend to get ready. I might be overreacting- maybe that's what's happening. Oh. That's what's good about writing, I can figure out what's really going on. I have stuff to do also. Take care of those kids and I have a show Sunday. Okay. Now I want to lay down. God it's amazing what anxiety does to my body. It's a beautiful sunny day. I need to keep it in the day. Yes. Okay. Breathe. I'm going to breathe and eat my banana. Bye.

SHE CAME BACK

So his ex came back this week but he just told me last night.  HE said she showed up at his office and knocked on the door.  He told her to go away and she said he had to talk to her.  Then he said no I don't this is inappropriate and she said okay but what is inappropriate is you not talking to me.  I guess in her mind when you get a divorce you still hash out stuff with your ex for a few years after the fact.  OKAY WHAT????  Jesus Fucking Christ!  He THEN told me that she actually shows up at his office every 6 weeks or so and just parks on the street and then moves the car around so he will notice her - some crazy shit like that.  Just sits there.  Then I guess this week that wasn't creepy enough for her so she showed up at the door.  Okay I get it.  I really fucking get it.  I hang onto shit for dear life decades after I need to.  But holy fuck.  Well anyway that's not even why I'm writing this.  I'm writing because this morning while I was doing yoga in the living room I noticed someone walk up the path towards our door.  I thought to myself oh it must be the woman who lives upstairs but then as I continued my yoga I didn't hear her door.  Then I saw someone drive across the street in a white car and it was parked where she parked last time and I was like HOLY SHIT - THIS FUCKING NUT BIRD WILL NOT GIVE UP.  I don't think she was here having to do with me - I think she was trying to get to the guy and maybe realized he wasn't here or lost her nerve I don't know.  You cant park across the street so it wouldn't be the older woman who lives upstairs and why would someone else in a navy blue coat who is small walk up near our door?  So my reaction was - okay that's it.  Last time I was still like "Okay lets just shut the blinds and keep the doors locked - I'm ignoring this."  Now?  Now I'm like okay - we are opening the blinds, I'm watching, I'm ready to take a picture and if I see this woman near my house again I am calling the police - the end.  Its actually making me FOCUS.  I feel for her - I do and it completely sucks to not be able to accept.  It sucks more than anything in the world.  But she seems like she is getting worse - not better.  So anyway I just wanted to write this down.  I a so tempted to write her name her oh wait did I do that last time this happened?  I have to look.  Okay well otherwise I am having a nice day and it's sunny out.  gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

It's 23 Degrees and I Need to Wash My Head

I am feeling crazy in my head and mostly because I need to wash it.  I'm telling you - if I don't get my head wet and at least condition my hair a few times a week I start to go fucking crazy.  It's like my dirty head makes my inner head nuts.  Remember Cunty Buns?  She never washed her head and I'm telling you that's why she (besides  A LOT of other reasons) was a fucking lunatic.  Anyway so I am going to go do that - wash my head.  I took a shower today I just didn't wash my head.  MAN - could I say "Wash my head" more??  I had a crazy week.  It was great but so crazy.  I had to turn down a job to do another job and my mind is FUCKING BLOWN about that.  I mean I was so upset but I am super excited about the one job so it's okay I guess.  I also hit a sort of alanon bottom where I just - I don't know.  I don't know how to even really put it into words......I just want people to be different even when they have shown me over and over again that they can't be.  It has something to do with being powerless over other people and wanting to control things in a really passive aggressive way or something like that.  I think.  I don't know.  I went to meetings, said what I needed to say to people and I just keep moving on.  Again - I think.  Also I was just so fucking upset this week about my Father.  It's the grief that's all.  I'm just in it and it's sickening.  So yeah.  The kids are so funny that I am helping take care of and having something to do everyday has been so great.  Sometimes I go into the city for an audition, go take care of them and then go back into the city for the podcast and a show.  You know what's so crazy?  Doing that is still less stressful than living there - it's fucking nuts.  I am definitely healthier here although I do miss living there - BUT - I am healthier here.  So yes I am here doing what I love and I love it.  I wish I was doing more but I guess that's the addict in me.  I did a show last night and the guy went with me right?  I was so fucking tired - he picked me up from the kids and I had gone in for an audition in the morning that took forever - I was so fucking tired - I was OVER IT.  By the time the show was over I was SO UPSET I didn't have more shows to go to!  My computer needs to restart and I need to wash my head.  Love you Bluebie BYE!