2016.

What a year.  I'm going to say what I am grateful for and it's going to be hard.  Saying positive things is difficult for me.  I can feel my chest tighten just thinking about being positive.  It's not as hard for me to be grateful.  I am very grateful.  I guess because being grateful is going out of me and being positive about me is going in and I have trouble receiving.  One time I said to my manager at work that I was working on "receiving."  He looked at me and said "You know what?  You are fucking crazy chick you know that?"  Hahaha - oh my God.  I really thought he was going to say how impressed he was.  I am really laughing thinking about that.  Anyway.  Well I am doing good at avoiding this so far which is fun.  Wait - did I just contradict myself?  I said I want to be grateful which I can do but not be positive?  Arent they the same things?  Oh man.  WOW.  Well okay here we go.  I am so grateful I stayed sober in 2016.  It was a hard year - moving, losing my father, changing jobs 3 times, getting a new homegroup, ending a relationship with a sponsee, getting a new sponsor.  This morning I went to my women's meeting and it was so wonderful!  The anniversary meeting.  That meeting helped get me acclimated to here and start to get a sober network.  Im grateful I have a new homegroup and that I start doing service there next week.  Im grateful I learned to drive in the city this year!  I love this little town and now I have a grocery store and CVS.  What else?  The bank.  It's really for me what helps so much - knowing where these things are and being able to go to them with ease.  I love our apartment and I love living with my guy.  He's so funny and I am so grateful for that.  He laughs at me and it's the best thing in the world.  I'm even more in love with him!  Haha and I can tell theres quite a few women in our group that are too!  That's okay - its so cute.  I am really grateful my career has grown a little bit.  It's so slow but it has happened.  My family.  My friends.  My friends in sobriety and my friends spread out around the world.  Isn't life amazing?  Today I can see how lucky I am because I am in my life.  I have been given this gift of sobriety and to be able to LIVE sober.  I don't ever have to sit alone dumping booze down my throat, dry humping a radiator.  I mean I can still dry hump the radiator I guess if I WANT to and from a not shameful place.  I can do it from a place of power!  LOOK AT ME - I AM DRY HUMPING A RADIATOR AND I FEEL GOOD!!!!  Okay the guy is going to be home soon.  Gotta go get ready for 2017.  Going to clean and go for a walk and get my office a little more put together and do some writing.  Yes.  Yes!  I am grateful I am jogging.  Or whatever it is called that I do.  Today I just feel grateful and I am not kidding - for that I am grateful.  I hope I don't lose that.  It is really the keys to the Kingdom.  Did someone slip me some Molly?  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

CONFIDENCE

That's what I want in 2017.  I am reading a book by Deepak Choprah - my Lord and Savior - and he says, in it, to write down everything you want.  Did I say this already?  It's called "The Fulfillment of Spontaneous Desire."  I think.  Oh my God!  What is it called?  Hold on.  YES - yes that's what its called.  Okay so I did that.  Now I am doing it more and I want some fucking confidence.  It is so fucking elusive to me.  How on earth can anyone get anywhere without it?  There are so many actors and comedians who STINK and they are SO CONFIDENT!  WOW.  I mean maybe they don't stink maybe they just stink to me.  SEE!???  I cant even just confidently say someone stinks when THEY STINK.  Ugh - okay.  Ooooookaaaay.  I have to get ready just blew my mind when I realized that.  I was going to write about how I realized we heal - how that is such a huge part of recovery and how I have forgotten that.  I think I just thought I was broken forever - you know?  But we heal.  Our feelings heal, our bodies heal - things heal.  Life heals.  UGH.  I guess my CONFIDENCE CAN HEAL!!!   Heeyaaaaa.  Bye.

If Feelings Were Made of Chocolate I Would Still Eat Them

All that dram and then we get to the farm and my mother wasn't that sick and everything was fine.  Or as fine as any holiday can ever be with a whole shitload of family.  It was so nice though and my mother was so happy we were there.  I cooked for TWO days while my sister bossed me around which was SO FUN.  Ha.  My other sister TRIED to boss me around but I gently and calmly asked her to go relax.  The food was fucking amazing THANK GOD and we had a great although super sad Christmas.  My brother made this - I don't know what you call it - a frame thing that has my father's American flag that they gave my mother at his funeral and all his medals and whatever those things are called that he wore on his uniform.. And a picture of him SO YOUNG in his first uniform from the service!  Holy shit it made my mother cry and you know it's hard to imagine - she's not a huge crier.  I cry ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  She cries but she - she keeps it together.  Man - she is one strong lady.  She is truly a woman of grace and dignity.  I don't even know how she does it.  Its pretty fucking inspiring.  I was rubbing the roast for dinner last night with this garlic pepper rub that I made and she asked me how it was going.  I said "It's pretty fucking disgusting but I'm doing it!"  She was like "Oh - you really have a poetic way of putting things."  Haha - maybe I should try to not curse so fucking much in 2017.  I can't help it - I just love it.  It really punches up a conversation and TRULY gets a point across.  For me - for me.  So anyway - yeah.  Okay the guy is going to be back soon.  Get to spend a late afternoon with him.  He was such wonderful company over the holiday.  He's a woman of grace and dignity too.  Unreal.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.  Oh!  ps - I ate my feelings all weekend and then I felt sick.  It looks like I am going to go ahead and have to learn how to just FEEL THEM.  Maybe.  Maybe.

Hard Christmas.

My mother is sick. I mean I think she just doesn't feel well but it's so scary and I just can't imagine how she is feeling. Without her husband at Christmas for the first time in 55 years. My crazy sister is being crazy and of course it makes everything harder. I just MISS my father. It just sucks. 2 of my friends that always sent Christmas cards didn't send them. They are both people who I made amends to but it always seems like they are mad at me and I never send them Christmas cards. I don't know - I'm kind of spiraling down. I'm so grateful for my guy but I'm so sad we don't have any money. I can't get him anything for Christmas. You know what? I just don't feel well. I came into the city for therapy and all the e tea people because of the holiday made it harder. I'm just upset and probably feeling too much for myself. I need some water too. Okay well - this has been a sad sack of a check in. Happy Christmas Blog O My Heart.

Bored.

I'm just a little bored at the moment.  Waiting to go to an alanon meeting which I dare say isn't going to be less boring BUT I will feel better afterwards.  I am trying to get babysitting jobs and WOW - so tricky.  People don't want to pay much at all but they want A LOT.  I swear to God some of these ads say something like this "We need a part-time sitter with their own car willing to drive our kids from school to after school activities, make them dinner, do the dishes, do laundry, make sure the kids rooms are clean, help them with homework, take out the dogs, take care of the cats, read to them before bed - help with meal prep and they LOVE arts & crafts and outdoor activities!!  Pays $10-$12 an hour."  Um - what?  I don't even do all that for MYSELF.  Jesus.  Well anyway - oh and they always have 3 kids.  Lol!  Why would you WANT someone to watch your kids for $10 an hour?  What lunatic would do that?  Me in 3 weeks when I can't get anyone to pay me what I'm looking for.  Oye - anyway.  Oh well - the people I talked to today were really nice - I really liked the woman - she was goofy and funny.  Oh my God - I am so tired and it's only 6:32.  I swear to God I drank like 7 cups of coffee today.  I'm going to have to cut back - I don't even think it WORKS anymore.  Gotta go.  I miss my father - it's so sad and surreal he's not around.  It just seems like he went to the store.  It happened so fast.  Aw.  Ugh - love you Bluebie bye.

The Never Ending Layers of Fucking Onion.

I mean - listen - my mind is kind of blown.  I do NOT know how to make money!  I don't.  What's worse is a lot of the time - I DONT EVEN FUCKING CARE.  I don't care until I have to wear ugly ass clothes and then guess what - I CARE.  Wow - that's the level of my depth concerning finances.  Clothes.  Jesus Christ.  Now the guy is super stressed and worried about money but okay - wait.  Wait.  That's not even it.  I deserve to make money.  I deserve to make money doing something I love and something I'm good at.  This is a real thing.  I don't know what I'm trying to say - I'm so embarrassed that I have so many fucking problems.  I'm just in my own way all the time.  What is this life lesson?  Why do I need to learn this?  What the fuck was I in another life?  UGH - I'm being so hard an myself and FOR WHAT?  I just need a job.  I need a job that can pay my bills while I pursue my passions.  That's all.  That's it.  It feels not right.  Why?  Oh because I DONT WANT TO WORK.  That's why.  I'm fucking tired.  I'm tired and OLD.  I'm not that old but I'm definitely TIRED.  But I cant just be apathetic about money.  I cant just drive my guy into the ground.  I'm an adult and it's not sober to not take care of myself or my life.  It just isn't.  There has to be balance.  It's also hurting the relationship.  Okay and - okay.  I'm so tired.  I need to go to an alanon meeting and I need to take a shower.  SELF-CARE.  IT'S ALL ABOUT SELF-CARE.  Right now my idea of self-care is going to bed even though it's only 5:30.  I'm going to ignore that instinct.  I should ignore all my instincts.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Pain Is Hard But Discomfort Is Excrutiating.

I forgot to say what a nice weekend I had with the guy.  We went to see my family.  I cooked and he played with my nephew.  Then my nephew got bored of him and we made brownies.  It was so sweet.  Beyond sweet.  So nice to see everyone - laugh.  Ah.  I miss my father so much.  I just can not fucking believe it still.  His coats are still hanging by the kitchen door - thank God - and they smell like him.  Isn't that amazing?  I mean he's gone but he's still there.  And we are all there.  So I guess he's not totally gone.  He always smelled like a farmer.  There were a few times growing up where he really smelled like sheep - A LOT - and I was like holy fuck pull it together man.  That's too much.  Anyway so it's sad.  It's uncomfortable.  We did out podcast last night and did the show.  It was great except the part where everyone was ripping on white people and I was the only white person.  Ha!  Whatever it was funny.  Well one girl wasn't funny.  She was at first but then her hate made her not funny.  It's sad and I do it too.  Whenever I talk about Cunty Buns on stage it's not funny because I still hate her.  You can't just hate - there has to be some love in it or the audience doesn't like it.  Well anyway so I was uncomfortable driving home and at the show.  It had nothing to do with the show - I was uncomfortable before I go there.  I can't stand being uncomfortable and that's life.  I feel like it's life in sobriety.  Normal people know how to be uncomfortable.  Alcoholics don't or at least that's how I see it.  I can't stand things too good, too bad, too off, too on - I can't take FEELINGS.  And discomfort is excruciating.  Being present is excruciating.  Well anyway....so I'm uncomfortable today.  But it's sunny and I have things to do.  I got to pray and meditate.  I learned that mantra means mind instrument and it's helping my meditating so much.  Or it's helping anyway.  It blew my mind when I learned it.  Helped me to understand why there even IS a mantra in meditation.  Okay gotta go love you Bluebie bye.

Another Day.

Today is another day.  Yesterday wasn't so bad - I was in the city for an audition and a seminar and I had a long wait in between the two things which was difficult because it's cold now.  I sat in a diner - I shouldn't have spent the money but - well - I did.  I went to a meeting and saw a woman who is doing really well.  It's amazing to see the program working - it's absolutely beautiful and just astonishing.  Seeing someone heal - it's just mind blowing.  I'm so happy for her.  And she's really being of service too.  I have to say that is one of the most amazing things about the city - meetings ALL the time.  I guess if I really wanted to I could spend all my time waiting between things in meetings.  I guess it would really be nice to actually be able to do something - like write.  I need to go to the library.  I could also bring my computer!  Yes.  So anyway - today is a new day and I'm indoors.  I got to meditate for a long time this morning and now I'm having tea.  I just did the dishes after I made myself some eggs and that just feels glorious to me.  I love being at home.  Oh my mind is all over the place.  I have a show tonight and we are doing our podcast first.  Good fucking LORD I am in my head.  I had a lot of cheese and pasta - well mostly cheese over the weekend and seriously - I think it gives me brain fog.  I felt like I was high yesterday until like 5:30 at night.  I still kind of feel that way although meditating helped and I am about to exercise which should also shake out my head.  Oh it's so not worth it.  It's like having a hang over 3 days later.  I am now at a stage of life where I am SO POORLY effected by CHEESE.  No not cigarettes - CHEESE.  Oh jeez I don't know what it is but anyway man am I sensitive.  Okay I am stalling.  I don't want to exercise but I must.  It's part of my job to be in mediocre shape.  Ha!  Ugh.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

The Misunderstanding of My Perception

That is what is so fucked up about being an alcoholic.  My perception completely and utterly sucks sometimes.  It fucking stinks.  I guess I misunderstood what the guy was saying and not only that I had decided in my head a whole new plan to the life we have planned together and all of it sucked.  sucked hard in a really not sexy, not productive, not loving way.  My brain can really just blow sometimes.  This is why in the program there is the saying "Restraint of pen and tongue."  That means shut the fuck up because you think he said go fuck yourself when he really said we need to talk about some things and make some adjustments.  I heard "go fuck yourself" so I was like "GO FUCK YOURSELF I'M GETTING A DIFFERENT JOB FORGETTING MY DREAMS BECOMING A DIFFERENT PERSON BUYING AN ISLAND AND LEAVING YOU!!!!!!"  Right.  RIGHT.  So not only is my perception off I hear shit wrong too.  I can't even deal with myself right now.  I just watched Under The Tuscan Sun and cried through the whole thing.  I guess I needed to cry.  A lot.  I also realized that I think I watched that movie when I was still drinking because I remember parts of it and the ending but not al of it and it took me half the movie to realize I had seen it before.  Good fucking Lord.  Yeah.  Yeah I was definitely drunk when I watched that movie.  I watched that entire movie Adaptation coming in and out of a black out.  It's been 13 years - I should give it a go again.  I only remember Meryl Streep tripping and trying to brush her teeth.  I was so fascinated by how well she was acting that.  I was how the fuck does Meryl Streep now how tripping feels SO much??  She seemed so much older and I know she has 4 kids so I was like when the fuck has she found time to TRIP??  Good Lord.  Okay  I have to go.  I think I'm going to watch Friends now.  It really takes me out of myself and it's such a relief.  I'm going to leave the house tomorrow bye.

Disaster.

I'm a complete and utter disaster.  I have been crying all day.  I am out of money and I am so heart broken that I couldn't make the money he gave me last longer and that I didn't get anywhere in this 4 months.  I spent 3.5 hours this morning trying to figure out about my health insurance.  It was mortifying to say I'm not working.  Then after all of that - I still don't know if I have it.  I am so sad about my father also.  The whole thing - the holidays - how are we going to buy the kids presents?  they don't need anything but still.  I just - I'm so fucking depressed.  I haven't felt like this in years.  I haven't left the house or gotten out of my pajamas.  I didn't even open the blinds.  I feel horrible.  I'm - I just can't believe this.  I just didn't think after 4 months he would say forget it - get a job this isn't working.  It happens though right?  I have seen stores open in the city and 3 months later they are gone.  It's just heart breaking.  I feel like such a pussy - oh wah my guy wont keep giving me money so I don't have to work.  I know that's ridiculous - its not that.  Its that I really started to get good and get some momentum.  Its all that hard work for nothing or at least that's what I'm telling myself.  I don't know - I don't feel good.  I don't have to leave the house who cares.  I applied for a job and I signed up for a babysitting service.  I can work it's okay.  I'm just so confused.  I just don't want to talk to him either.  It feels crazy.  It's all me though I know it is.  I have my period, it's the holidays, my father died and I'm out of money.  I'm sitting up right now on the edge of the couch and honestly - it's exhausting.  I'm not trying to book any shows or do anything.  What's the point?  Why am I thinking like this right now?  I'm so filled with shame and humiliation - it's crazy.  I am a complete and utter mess.  Maybe I should just watch a movie.  I never even made the bed.  Okay - man.  I am not a sign of any kind of hope.  Maybe I have officially lost my mind.  Is it just hormonal?  I hope it's hormonal then it will change.  Okay bye. ps I just read this and it seems I am feeling incredibly sorry for myself.  Well I guess that feels right and now I'm going to lay down and think about it.  Bye.

Oh boy.

Well I'm a hot mess.  I woke up, prayed & meditated and cried while I was doing it.  I'm out of money and I feel like a loser.  I feel like everything is going to fall apart that I have worked so hard for these last 4 months.  Also - you know I didn't realize how resentful the guy was.  Is.  Im just sort of shell shocked.  I feel like I have to have a lot of faith and trust right now and I have t say - not my strong suit.  Freaking out and being miserable is my strong suit.  I did an audition yesterday - it took me 3 hours to do it - between getting ready, working on it and getting it on tape - right?  Guess what?  NO ONE HAS WATCHED IT.  Maybe that's not so crazy......but still - well if they don't watch it I can ask about it.  I just feel like maybe I should have gone to the live audition.  Well guess what?  It doesn't matter now.  I need to let go.  I am going to practice 3 things today.....letting go, being nice to myself and having faith.  It was excruciating to even write that.  EXCRUCIATING.  Jesus Christ.  I'm so in my head.  I'm just going to breathe.  All I can do is keep it in the day and do what I can do today.  I have to write something for our podcast right now.  Then I need to get ready.  Just keep doing the next right , kind thing for myself.  My stomach is bothering me like I have forgotten something.  I forgot to go back to bed.  I'm terrified.  I'm really fucking freaking out that I am going to have to go waitress again or something equally as soul sucking.  This probably isn't helpful.  I cant stand feeling this way but it will change.  It has to - things and feelings always do.  It's just a hard time.  I feel so far away from my mother.  She feels so far away.  Oh man I am a hot mess.  I am glad I am going into the city today - I do NOT need to sit here and think about myself anymore - good fucking LORD.  Love you Bluebie bye.

PMS = (Chaos x Feelings) + Rage

OH MAN.  I have had pms for what feels like 3 weeks and it is SO GREAT.  I am having a blast!  Last night my guy said he wanted to have a talk then confronted me about something and then WE HAD AN EPIC fight.  Oh man - I don't think we have had fight like that since I moved in a year ago AND it was one year ago yesterday - or really a day or two ago that I moved in.  That being said I love it here.  I love him.  I'm in deep!  But holy shit - that was awful last night.  I had an emotional hang over today.  I was so overly sensitive and it just occurred to me tonight that being sensitive sometimes for me is a reflection of not feeling well.  I'm always sensitive but it's worse when I don't feel well.  He just thought I was fucking around with my career - that I had no direction or plan.  It's all so complicated.  I don't know.  He was hurt and my feelings were hurt.  I didn't realize he was feeling that way.  I think he felt left out too - that always stinks.  It's the worst to feel left out.  Oh God - I swear this is what's hard about relationships.  The communication and the taking care of it, ourselves and each other.  It's so intense!  Throw in issues, childhoods and pms - good fucking LORD - its amazing anyone gets out alive.  I can tell you this dear blog - I am so fucking glad I have gone to therapy for all these years.  That shit is helping me beyond.  Okay now on to part 2 of this episode.....so tonight I went to pick up my dry cleaning right?  When I dropped off my dry cleaning I realized that I used to take an acting class in this town - when I was still drinking and I used to go to the train station to get to the class.  Tonight I parked and I saw the gazebo and realized I had rehearsed there with my scene partner.  I loved that class!  I loved the town mostly though.  It is the cutest little town.  I don't know - its just so weird - so full circle.  It's the town right by mine and yes it is completely insane that I have lived here a year without realizing it was the same place.  No - I knew it was the same place I think I thought it was a different area?  I don't know - I just didn't connect the dots.  I don't know.  Anyway.  I had a fun day of sifting through my emotions.  I do love coming home to here though - so much.  I love my guy.  Blah blah - love you Bluebie byeee.