So busy.

We went home last week for Thanksgiving and then I spent 3 days selling trees. It was so sad without my father - so confusing and a little stressful figuring it all out. But we did it and we did s good job. I think. Just now we did our podcast and I had class before that. I knocked it out of the park in class - it was awesome.  The podcast was great too. I have 2 shows tomorrow night and I'm going to drive so hopefully that will make going home late at night a little more mellow. I'm starving. So anyway- it was a great day and I'm trying to enjoy myself while I get to do all of this. No wait - let me rephrase that - I AM enjoying myself and loving being able to do all of this without being completely exhausted.  My work is so much better. Infinitely better. I'm not going to be in class for December - I can't afford it. Im going to have to see about January. I'm so busy! I have so much to do. I'm as grateful as ever to be sober. Oh I need a meeting to
Orrow. Gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Late Night

It's 1:02 am and I'm sitting on the train waiting for it to take me home.  I had a spot at 11:50. I had to wait 2 hours to go up and it was totally worth it. So much fun!  The crowd was great and I have a new joke. I mean I thought of a new joke up there. Holy fuck someone sat behind me just now and started to eat what smelled like mashed potatoes and meatloaf.  I had to move!! The smell of it was making me starving but the sound of him mushing food in his mouth right behind my head was so fucking disgusting I literally got up and moved 5 seats away. As I moved I saw he was eating a fucking everything bagel with cream cheese. He's hot tooo. But not to me and never again. If I dated him I would only hear and smell that fucking bagel for the rest of my life.  I think the part that shows growth is that I got up and moved. Yay!! I didn't just give him dirty looks and shame his bagel chewing!! Yayyyy!! I moved! I didn't even give him a dirty look them! If I had 5 dollars I would have stopped for a falafel! But I only had 4 dollars so I had cheetos. This is riveting. Well so I just wanted to write and say hi. Hi. I had so much fun tonight.  I'm so grateful. The whole day was creative. Class, out our podcast and a show. Great stuff.  Holy shit now I'm tired. Oh I'm getting sad about Thanksgiving and not seeing my dad. So barf. Love you Bluebie bye.

Okay It's Winter.

2 days ago it was 60 degrees and sunny - now it's overcast and 35 degrees and I want to go to bed for 5 months.  I can't focus.  Okay but OKAY.  Here's what I am doing though.  I am being NICE to myself.  I can only do a little bit at a time.  I can only do what I can do.  I wake up and I take care of myself.  I am present in my life and being creative.  There we go.  Alright.  I started to write a bunch of shit that wasn't nice about myself and then I DELETED IT.  What's the fucking point?  I've had a lifetime of beating myself up - I'm over it.  OKAY.  So here's what I learned in the land of recovery this week.  That it's no one's fault.  Ugh I don't even feel like getting into what I even mean.  Holy shit I'm tired.  This is what I mean.  I have these wounds right - let's say from childhood or wherever right?  Well - it doesn't matter who caused them or why because now I am left with them.  SO HOW AM I GOING TO HEAL?  Why am I yelling?  Ugh - this is what I am trying to say...Okay maybe it does matter who and why and all that but ultimately - I'm the one left with the healing and I need to heal.  You know what I just realized?  I might be getting this all wrong.  No - no I don't think so.  Recovery comes from responsibility right?  So I am responsible for my stuff and my feelings and my wounds.  Good Lord.  So.  SO THAT SUCKS HUH!?  Haha - I'm just kidding I think.  Anyway - that kind of blew my mind this week.  I mean I knew already that it's ridiculous to be an asshole to someone on the subway and blame it on my first grade teacher.  But still - to fully take responsibility for my feelings, to no longer be a victim because I am the one responsible for this stuff now.  Wow - mind blowing.  I have no idea why I am writing this.  Do I say that ALL THE TIME?  I need to take a hot shower and by some cake pans.  Loooove you Bleubie byeee!

A Moment To Reflect Positively.

I'm not sure but I don't think I often do this.  Take a moment to recognize how much things have changed in a positive way.  As I type this I am thinking NOOOOOOOO - but - it's true.  Today would have been my 11th wedding anniversary.  but it's not because I was lucky enough to have that marriage not work out.  Now I am in love with a beautiful, kind man who loves the person I really am.  How lucky am I?  I was in such a crazy place 11 years ago.  It could have worked!  It could have been wonderful but it wasn't meant to be.  It was a rebound.  It was an impulse and a thought and it wasn't truly from my heart.  I feel like that's the difference for everything.  Is it from my heart?  Yes?  Okay go for it.  Otherwise - maybe stop and reaaaally think about it - hard.  Now I live with the this guy and I'm SOBER.  I'm not destroying myself on a daily basis with drugs and alcohol.  How amazing is that?  I don't know.  I don't want to write to much about how much things have changed but they have and I'm so grateful.  Lately I have been trying to tell myself when I regret the past and get in my head about how "That never would have happened if that hadn't happened and then that wouldn't had happened and if I only could have...."  I tell myself that everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to.  That everything was EXACTY the way is was meant to be.  You know I never think this but I hope that he's okay my ex-husband.  I mean he wasn't really a husband - we didn't even fucking know each other.  We were both in pain and trying to fling ourselves into another reality of life.  Ugh.  It's so crazy.  Well.  So.  It's raining right now.  A lot.  It's still early - 10:18 in the morning.  I slept okay last night.  I had crazy dreams about animals and this one adorable kitten.  I think I am just writing on here still because I don't want to do my yoga, get ready and figure out how to navigate this weather.  OKAY.  I CAN DO THIS!!  Right?  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Self-Destruction.

I am sliding away.  I am so self-destructive right now.  My thoughts are so negative and I am not being nice to the guy.  He starts eating nuts and I want to stab myself and move to Africa.  I have such a short fuse - it's horrifying.  This whole thing with my sponsee - she isn't even really - is killing me.  My sponsor said this relationship is supposed to help me too and it isn't.  It hasn't for a long time.  So now I need to do something for myself and I just can't wrap my brain around that.  I feel like I am letting her down although honestly and truly I don't feel like I am helping her - not with sobriety.  It's horrible.  I am up against myself and I don't think I like myself very much right now.  You know - I don't even think she is thinking about this - at all.  I am tortured and she's just ignoring my phone call and living her life.  It's a beautiful day.  We just went jogging.  I don't feel as sick to my stomach - I think my hormones might be regulating a little bit.  We are going to my Mom's today and I'm so sad my father wont be there.  Oh God - I'm just so fucking heart-broken right now about him.  I don't know - I feel so sad I didn't spend more time there over the Summer.  Whatever - I'm grieving and its so fucking painful.  The farm.  Last year we didn't get a tree from there.  Ugh I feel like throwing up.  Of course its sad.  All the big holidays are coming up.  My crazy sister is there right now with my mother pretending like she loves her like crazy all of a sudden.  I don't know - maybe she does.  Maybe she thinks she does.  I guess its never too late in life but it just feels disingenuous and exhausting.  Please God and Blog - help me to be kind today and loving.  For myself and my mother.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I need french fries and other lies I tel myself.

I am at the moment obsessing over French fries.  It feels like the only thing I need in my life is French fries and I am fairly convinced that this is true.  That's it.  There must be something chemically happening to me right now that only French fries can help.  Why does it keep capitalizing French - it's so fucking annoying.  Alright well and something else I'm telling myself that isn't true - you know what - no - no I am not writing it down.  I'm not putting it out to the Universe - fuck that.  I really don't feel great still and I am having a lot of negative thoughts.  My stomach is bothering me.  I called that sponsee and she never called me back.  I called her again today and said we really need to talk and nothing.  Yeesh.  Well it's okay.  It doesn't FEEL okay but I really do think it will be okay.  I am triggered.  I had that weird show this week - did I write about it already?  I just feel tortured that's all - and I'm not having any fun.  OMG!!  SEE?  I'm just fucking negative.  I'm tired and it's okay.  The guy helped someone move today and I went to my ladies meeting and then went to breakfast with them.  It was so nice.  I'm going to lay down.  Lay down and wish I was a different person.  Just on the inside.  Just where it really counts.  No - I don't wish I was a different person - right?  Is this the part where I take a nap and wake up a different person?  Well if I do I hope they fart less that's all I have to say.  GROSS.  Hahahahahaaaa - Im not really laughing.  French fries.  Cheese fries.  Bacon.  Cellulite.  YES.  I WANT ALL OF THAT.  Bye.

New Day.

Well it's another day.  I got to wake up sober, pray, meditate and write in my journal.  It makes me happy, it make me feel better.  It's sunny out.  Not much has changed and people are raging but life goes on.  I'm confused which my therapist says happens because I'm angry.  Which is odd that I would have to deflect my anger - I'm always angry and I feel very in touch with that!  I have realized that I have such a sense of deprivation.  Deprivation, shame, humiliation and lack.  Wait - is there more?  Look it sounds like I'm cutting myself with these words but I'm not or at least I don't think I am.  I am just so aware of it - them.  I think when I get PMS these baseline feelings become magnified and then I get enraged but I don't know why.  I mean I don't know why I am enraged.  I swear this is me working something out and not just beating myself up.  Or I am just jerking off to my own misery?  I don't think so.  I think that these baseline feelings are what get in my way a lot.  And yesterday I felt very in my own way until I started to talk nicely to myself.  So I think a huge part of why I am in my own way is the negative self-talk.  Okay.  So.  SO.  What would I think if I was reading this?  What would I get from this writer?  I'm going to re-read one sec.  Okay I re-read, then I paused and closed my eyes for a second and then re-read again.  It reads to me as someone who is digging and looking at difficult things and trying to get to the core of their suffering.  Am I completely full of shit right now?  Am I just dancing around the fact I don't feel well?  I have no fucking idea.  Or maybe I do.  Maybe I just want to type and write something because the sheer act of just moving my fingers along the keys gives me pleasure.  I feel better.  Or I feel good I should say.  It's cathartic.  So.  So hmmm.  Well I have a rehearsal today and a show tonight.  I just want to do my best today and be kind to myself.  Just keep it in the day.  I'm exhausted.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Shit Sandwich.

Well - holy fuck.  Trump is President and I only left the house today to go to Wendy's.  I just couldn't take anything that's all.  I haven't gone to a meeting in 3 days now either.  Oh I have to call my alanon sponsor in the morning.  I'm a mess.  I'm burnt out and tired.  Plus my guy is so stressed out about money.  Or he is and then he isn't and then he really is.  It's so fucking stressful.  I just feel gross.  I guess sometimes I just don't want to leave the fucking house and that's okay.  I exercised - jogged on the treadmill, did some yoga.  I watched 5 episodes of Friends.  Ugh - I don't know.  I got up early yesterday morning and drove into the city and voted for Hillary.  I wanted to be part of that History in the making.  Now it just feels horrible.  Who knows - maybe he will somehow become a magical President.  I'm so tired.  I went to sleep so late last night and kept waking up every hour.  I'm not sure how this is all going to work out.  I mean listen (I'm not talking about the election anymore) I'm going to have to go back to work in a couple of months.  And honestly - well - I don't know - it's so EXHAUSTING working and never getting paid.  I just put out and never get back.  I don't think I can even take the class anymore.  I feel such pressure from the guy - he's like - UGH - why am I writing about this?  Forget it - this is a sad day and I already have PMS and I'm not feeling good.  It's been rough year.  This is the thing.  I'm tired.  I'm old.  I don't have the same energy anymore - at all.  I really, really really don't know if I'm going in the right direction or doing the right thing.  I like being at home.  I like being creative.  I missed my calling as a housewife.  Well - well so what if I have missed my calling.  I can still be happy.  I can still contribute to the world.  I just need so much time alone sometimes.  I don't know what I'm talking about.  I'm sad and tired.  I am super grateful though that politics do not come into play as far as the program goes.  What a relief.  My father would have been so happy Trump won.  He really would have.  I said that to my mother and she burst out laughing and then said "Well I didn't vote for him!"  I DONT KNOW WHO DID!!!  Who the fuck are those people?  DO I KNOW any of them?  What the fuck?  I have a show tomorrow night and man do I not want to go.  All of this is reminding me of 9/11.  I did a show after 9/11 and there were all these fire fighters in the back - all dressed in their gear.  I bombed.  I bombed so fucking hard.  I was so sad, so in shock.  I was frozen.  I just didn't know how to ever be funny again.  Then Kurt Metzger got up and killed.  I never felt like I could ever get my comedy back after that and it was 15 fucking years ago.  What am I doing?  But as I write that it feels self-destructive.  It feels bad.  It feels like I am cutting myself asking that.  I'm trying to do what I love.  Maybe it's time to change it into something else and that's fine.  You know what else?  It's fine if I'm lost.  You know what has happened along the way of me being lost?  I've become an awesome actress and I realized I'm great on the radio.  Those are wonderful things.  Also I'm sober and I don't hump radiators by myself anymore while I'm wasted out of my mind.  Growth.  Love you Bluebie bye.