New Normal?

I need a new normal now.  Now I'm not a waitress and now I have time to do other things to take care of myself.  I've been getting lots of sleep but not too much so that's good.  I'm writing in my journal and now I can write on here more.  I'm starting to do my little bit of yoga everyday again too.  Ah - slowly things are shifting.  I wish I could let myself sit down and write jokes.  Just re-write my set.  I can.  Maybe.  Maybe I can give that to myself.  All I have to do is a little bit everyday - like with everything else - right?  Just a little bit.  Oh I woke up SO sad today but I took care of myself and got some work done and then drove into the city to meet my friend.  We had stuff to do for our podcast.  I got a ticket for $115.00 because I just HAD to have a donut and went into Dunkin Donuts for 5 minutes.  I have to say it was a really good donut.  I had so much fun with my friend and I felt SO much better.  I'm still sad but it's less prevalent.  For now.  Okay I'm going to make dinner for my guy.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Things that make me feel better

Writing. Walking. Dancing. The beach. The sun. Food. Water. Breathing. Meditation. It's been 2 months and 1day since my father died. I'm laying on the beach alone while my guy is running. I'm so sad. My heart is n such - pain. It's so pre leant - the grief. It has just gotten so much more intense. I'm missing him but also I'm just so profoundly sad. It's such a huge empty space with him gone. It's exhausting. My anniversary is next Saturday and I'm also a mess from that. It's like this feeling comes over me from which there is no real relief. A sense memory of how my life was 7 years ago and how awful I felt. This will change and shift - I know it will but it is also incredibly painful.  But the beach is helping. Being grateful is helping. Just doing the next right thing - even if it's only for 5 minutes - is helping. I'm going to reach out to some other alcoholics who have less time than me and that will help. I just cried all over my face and I don't have a tissue. I have towels. God knows I can blow my nose in a towel.  I used to just throw up on the floor and leave it there for 2 days when I was drinking.   The only way past it is through it right? But man it's fucking painful. I said like 8 slogans just now. Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Depression - it's what's for dinner!

I am waiting for the guy to come back from a meeting and I said I would go get us fish for dinner.  I'm so depressed though.  I just went for a walk and did a little yoga and that helped but I'm like a thousand pounds right now.  I mean that's how heavy I feel.  I got so sad about my father last night and then it just got WORSE today.  I went to a meeting, did step work and came home.  While I was getting out of my car I thought how it was going to be a quite afternoon for me and that maybe I should call my father.  It just came into my brain so quickly - I couldn't even stop it from happening.  Ugh - it made me so sad.  It's like the pain keeps getting worse and my heart is so heavy.  I'm also lonely living here.  It's such a huge adjustment.  I love it - I really do - I'm just lonely and I'm not completely in a new life and I miss my old one.  I suppose I'm not quite busy enough - although I've been busy.  I miss doing shows.  My comedy has come to a grinding halt all of a sudden.  And I know I need to write and I just don't fucking want to do it.  It all seems so messy and confusing in my mind.  Where do I begin?  Where do I begin to write my comedy again?  Maybe I'm not supposed to do comedy.  I mean - I'm not - really - so I guess not.  Ugh - man - I haven't had this pull of depression in a long time.  It's really strong.  It's okay - it was bound to happen.  The move, not working in the city either and then my father dying.  Not in that order.  All of it.  Tectonic shifting.  I'm just going to keep taking care of myself the best I can and be grateful I'm sober.  OH.  Oh it's my anniversary - fuck - THIS is ho I always feel around that too.  GOD.  Okay - wow - this is just one day at a time shit that's all.  Why am I talking like this?  I'm channeling that kid from The Get Down.  That show is fucking unreal to me - it's so fucking good.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Today.

My anniversary is 10 days away.  I'm good and crazy but - I guess I'm more sad than anything.  Ugh - it's just my father dying is like this low grade sadness under everything.  It makes me sick.  I miss him so much and then also all these memories keep coming up - some of them not good at all.  I keep trying to just say "okay - okay bad memory but I forgive and he was human and I don't care anyway - he loved me and I loved him."  It's a mess.  In my head.  I went back to therapy today though and for 15 minutes afterwards I felt okay.  I've been busy getting myself together here at the house and doing all my stuff.  What?  That sounded like bullshit.  Alright - anyway.  I published an article and that feels like the most exciting thing in the world ever.  I want to do voice overs also.  What else?  Part of what I want to do is write more and I have been writing more on here and in my journal but does that count as writing?  I don't quite think so.  I want to write more comedy but I am the AFRAID word.  I am AFRAID to write more comedy.  BUT WHY?  Because I might not be funny?  Because it hurts?  Does it hurt to write?  Yes - yes it does.  UGH - CHRIST ALL-FUCKING-MIGHTY.  It's so fucking hot.  It has to be 95 degrees and it's 7:15.  It's also so humid.  Maybe it's just hot I don't know.  I wish I could dust my brain.  Just get in there and DUST it - pull out some weeds - pull out some dead leaves - just give it a good feng shuing.  Just land scape that mother fucker a little bit.  OKAY.  SO.  I auditioned for a 54 year old heavy set woman yesterday and it did not go well.  I have to say - why did I GO?  I need boundaries and I need to say whether or not something is worth my time.  WHO THE FUCK AM I?  I'm going to suggest to myself right at this moment that I had too much coffee.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Watermelon.

I just ate some watermelon - I picked it out of my parents garden when I picked the Forbidden Canteloupes.  I have to say it wasn't THE most delicious watermelon I ever ate but it was GLORIOUS because I am at home and it's quiet and I got to cut it fresh on the kitchen table here.  It was just so fucking lovely to be home and eating some fresh watermelon out of the garden.  Home in my home.  So anyway - I went into the city and went to the audition yesterday and it was great.  I felt so filled up afterwards!  Crazy - I didn't even want to go - I was so flustered from the neighbors blow-drying their driveway all day.  Then I went to an artist's recovery group and that was great too.  Now I'm sitting in my office today trying to work.  Actually I don't know if that's what I'm trying to do -I'm trying to start to work in my office.  I want to come to work in my office.  How many more times should I say office.  Here's a picture of it.  Okay it's really hard to take a picture with this laptop!  But the rug is so cute right?  Oh boy.  Anyway - I absolutely love being home.  I went for a jog this morning.  Yay.  Okay gotta go and get my shit together.  Love you Bluebie bye.

 

 

 

Hot Rage on a Cool Day

Ugh I am so filled with rage.  My neighbor has been blow-drying his fucking driveway for over 3 hours.  WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT!??  I mean okay fine but did he have to start at 8 in the morning?  I just have the worst PMS and I am so overwhelmed by my relationship, changing jobs and the grief of my Father dying.  We went to the farm again yesterday to see the family and it's so hard traveling there.  I just can't believe he's not going to be there and it's such a sad feeling going to a party and knowing he's gone.  IT's just so fucking heart breaking.  MY guy came with me and we got in a fight on the way there - it was awful.  He's sad too and it's hard for him too.  Then we got there and it was okay - we laughed and my Mom was so happy we were there.  And then we all sat around trying to figure out what the fuck to do.  I mean he ran that farm and he was the boss so no one knows what to do - I mean except of course Drunk Guy.  He somehow knows everything to do - EXCEPT how to take care of the Christmas trees.  My brother and my guy had a talk with him and he said sorry for yelling at me.  But he said it like this "Sorry for yelling at you (slightly sarcastically)"  then I looked back at him and he gave me this snide look like a 5 year old.  Ha!  And he dresses like Rambo.  So when he HAS clothes on - they are Rambo clothes - complete with the fucking bandana around his head.  UGH - he kills me.  Anyway that's what I'm going to call him - Rambo.  Rambo sons is gay - flaming gay.  He wears a scarf too but around his neck like a lady.  Ugh I'm so sad.  I have an audition this afternoon.  I need to do my hair now and get ready for it.  I'm overwhelmed with being in a relationship and "answering" to somebody - even though that's not really what it is.  He wants my attention and I'm still not used to spending so much time with someone - even though I love him and I WANT to spend tons of time with him.  I just have PMS and I can't handle anything.  I'm overwhelmed by my work here too.  At least I'm IN my office right now writing this.  Yes.  I am going to have to go help plant trees.  They need so much help there and the Albanian helper is going back to Albania.  Okay.  And I'm not doing any comedy!  It's crazy.  It's just not happening.  Oaky I'm going to take some more midol - I'm a mess and HE'S FUCKIGN BLOW-DRYING AGAIN!!  UGh bye.

Frustration.

The waters aren't parting for me in comedy.  They just aren't.  Is it because I'm not out every night?  Is it because I don't WANT them to?  What in the fuck is happening? 

I wrote that yesterday morning and then stopped because I got distracted writing an article.  Trying to write an article.  I wrote the article!  But I don't think I actually wrote what I proposed to write.  I already sent it off and now I'm not sure what to do.  Should I re-write?  I mean - that's part of what it is always about right?  Keep working at it.  UGH - I shouldn't have sent it off!  He didn't get back to me and now I'm freaking out.  Okay so I'm home now - I went to that lovely women's meeting this morning and then came home.  I made myself some eggs and it was glorious!  We finished the 3 day juice fast we were doing and I have no idea how I was able to do it.  Well I cheated a liiiiitte bit.  I had 4 weight watchers treats over the 3 days (total not every day) and I ate like 5 packs of gum.  The gum helped but good lord - I am so sensitive to people chewing gum and I was driving MYSELF crazy while chewing the gum.  Anyway I lost almost 5 pounds and I'm exhausted so that means it worked right?  Yeesh.  I feel too tired to work on this article again but maybe I can.  I have so much to do but I feel like I can't get up.  Well that's what writing is - sitting here - so I can do that.  OH MAN - I just forgot I'm getting my chart read today!!!!  That perked me up!!  I knew I was forgetting something.  I always get that weird lethargic feeling when I'm forgetting something.  WOO-HOO - I can't wait.  I hope it's good.  Maybe then I will work on the article.  Yeah.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE

The Drunk Farmhand aka The guy that lives 6 houses down the road.

Okay - I'm a drunk so I get it. Somehow my father took a liking to this guy and had him start helping him here on the farm. I could have SWORN that when I got here 2 nights ago he told me to pick stuff from the garden. He walked me around with a beer in a beer cozy and showed me everything in the garden. Then last night he said the same thing - again I THOUGHT - and my mother was there that time and she ALSO thought he said to pick shit from the garden. So I spent 2 hours today picking fruits and vegetables out of the garden. He comes knocking on the door and I had everything all spread out in the picnic table and my mother tells him to take whatever he likes. He was like "you picked the canteloupe??" And then looked at me like I was fucking crazy. Haha. I picked one watermelon - brought it into the house and cut it open and it was perfect so even though it doesn't make any sense and it's a different type of fruit - I picked the cateloupes. So he leaves all weird from this discussion and I go outside and get a canteloupe and cut it open and whoops - not ripe. So about 15 minutes later - haha - he comes back super angry with half of an unripe cantaloupe. He starts saying all angry "Don't pick no more cantaloupe - they aren't ready." I said " I'm sorry I thought you said to pick stuff from the garden." And then he starts YELLING " no! I said they ain't ready!" At this point I give him a thumbs up and say " okay cool - no problem" and I start to unload the dishwasher because I was going to tell that drunk fuck to go fuck himself. My mother who is the sweetest person and can do this - tells him he's being a prick but that it's okay. He's still yelling that he's been gardening for 10.,20 30 years and "please DONT PICK NO MORE CANTELOUPE."  Why am I writing this? Oh because he's just some drunk guy who lives 6 doors down and for some reason is way to emotionally involved in my fathers garden. I completely ignored him and he finally left and my mother could have cared less but I was PISSED. So I made a mistake! They will ripen in the sun. Shit shows up at the grocery store not totally ripe yet all the time. I just feel like this guy thinks he's the man around here now and he is in for a big fucking surprise because he is not. Wow I'm so mad. I haven't been to a meeting since - well - Wednesday? I just miss my Father. But also I am super triggered by men yelling at me BECAUSE of my Father. I would have no idea I did something wrong and he would yell like I plotted something and I would be 6 years old and clueless. I felt also like I was at this guys house and I took a shit on his kitchen table in the middle of dinner. Alcoholics are so fucking dramatic. Haha and my mother in her sing-songy voice "Well you are being a prick but it's okay! We'll see you tomorrow or Monday!"  Maybe he said to pick the beans? I don't know! He was drunk and he only had on shorts and glasses. No shoes! No shirt! And he was drunk - I was confused!  Blech whatever. Love you Bluebie bye.

Bloated but I'm also Sweating - a Love story

It must be 150 % humidity today. I think I gained 20 pounds in water weight somehow also. Was it the Burger King I ate romantically in the parking lot last night while I watched the lightening storm? I don't know but I feel like I'm going to explode. I didn't sleep well last night. I came to the farm to stay with my Mom so she didn't have to be alone here yet. Her plane was too big to land in the right airport (I guess that's a thing) and so they had mot land somewhere else and bus them to the right airport.  My brothers neighbor who is 85 was picking her up, which was so sweet until it was 2:00 in the morning and I was like "oh my God why is this guy waiting for her at the airport - he's 85 he should be in bed!"  I just kept imagining him having heart attack while he was driving while my Mom was sitting in the passenger seat all little and ladylike.  So I couldn't sleep right and had all these bad dreams and when they finally got home I just laid in bed all freaked out about my father not being here.  But other than that I feel great. No. Not really.  It's okay I can get a good night's sleep tonight.  I suppose this is life right? Life on life's terms. It's just so sad. His hats and coats are still hanging in the kitchen and his stuff is everywhere.  It wasn't even 2 months ago - am I supposed to be over it? No and I'm not anyway so it doesn't matter.  Wow I'm a good time right now. Then I saw a dog on Facebook and wanted him and my guy said it was freaking him out so now I'm mad at him. This dog has freckles on his stomach - I mean I can't.  Anyway......I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable.....he said he didn't need another mouth to feed like it's the depression or something.  Maybe I just need to watch Friends. Aw I'm so grumpy. Love you Blubie bye.

Seperate Note.

On a completely separate note - I love living here.  I went to a beautiful Women's Meeting this morning in a lovely little town that is 5 minutes away from my lovely little town.  I'm loving the trees, birds and quiet.  It's great.  I'm so grateful I moved.  Okay bye.

Between A Rock and Fried Chicken & Waffles

So I'm not going there tomorrow and not only is she angry (she's allowed to be) but she's being a total bitch to me and sent me text last night saying stop helping.  Ha!  Okay somehow I was able to not write her back and have just left it at that.  But I woke up in the middle of the night upset and feeling sick.  But this is the thing - I would only be going in to make her happy - that's it.  And just even writing that is enraging.  So I'm in this caught place of - making her mad and her flat out telling me to go fuck myself - which is hurtful - OR - going in there - working 9 hours, being enraged, feeling sick, not making that much money, and feeling taken advantage of.  And sad.  Well anyway so I'm making the choice that feels slightly better which is the choice where I take care of myself.  And apparently when you take care of yourself - someone always gets mad.  Okay and oh well.  So I am going to be uncomfortable no matter what but at least I won't be enraged and try to take a shit in someone's deep fried oreos.  My guy said it well get easier each time I do it - like recovery.  It gets a little easier each time to do the next right thing.  And the next right thing is for me to start to take care of myself - for real and then that involves 2 things.  1. Being uncomfortable with someone not liking me. 2. Detaching from what is going on with that person - it can't have anything to do with me. 3. Being uncomfortable with taking care of myself - IT'S SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  4. Understanding this is the next phase of my recovery.  If I really want to continue to grow in recovery I need to take care of myself and sometimes that means walking away from an unhealthy situation.  OKAY 4 THINGS and I feel like I'm full of shit anyway.  I'm just going to trust that this is the right thing.  That's all I can do.  That's it!  Alrighty so I have more things to do like lay down.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I didn't make it the 2 days.

I was SO exhausted and felt SO gross yesterday when I was done - and I felt physically ill the entire time I was there.  Am I being dramatic?  PROBABLY.  Did it feel very, very, VERY real??  Yes.  Restaurants are abusive - I don't know why.  It's the most basic need on earth (food) - besides water and love.  Look - there are SO nice there and try so hard to be good.  But it's just too much and I'm in a bad place - I'm grieving my father and I'm raw and have nothing left to give.  So.  So I told them I'm not coming on Sunday and they were NOT happy about it - but oh well.  So.  So now - I just went for a walk - here around the neighborhood.  It's beautiful and sunny out.  I had an audition in the city and then I had something else I had to tape myself for.  And so I thought to myself - well Monday is the first day of my new job - HERE in my office - right?  Only I never come in here.  So I thought again to myself - drag your ass in there (here) with your computer and write on your damn blog!  So I did.  It's crazy how much more painful the grief of my Father dying has gotten.  I miss him.  It's so sad.  I feel sick.  And I feel o fucking guilty about not going to that job.  But also - I'm so done.  I feel so, so SO horrible when I leave.  It really is like an addiction.  I feel gross while I'm there, I eat shit I would never be eating (most likely), I get swollen, I feel bad about myself, I'm ashamed for some reason, I let people treat me terribly because I want their money (drugs or alcohol), I'm filled with rage and I always, always ALWAYS say I will never do this again.  THEN I GO RIGHT BACK.  TOTAL FUCKING INSANITY!!  Well anyway it's a new chapter.  That's it!  It really is.  It's nice to write in here.  It's quiet and feels nice.  There's a pretty orange rug and all my books.  So my beautiful man is giving me this opportunity and I'm going to do my best.  HOLY FUCK.  HOLY FUCKING FUCK.  YIKES.  HOLY FUCKING YIKES!  Okay I have to go love you Bluebie bye!

Countdown.....

So today is one of my last 2 days at this waitressing job. Big fucking sigh. And you know the boutique I was at before this? With Cunty Buns? It's closing. Someone bought them out of their lease early and it's no more. So it's so crazy or maybe not I don't know....I'm incapable of doing these jobs anymore and/or they end. So I'm going to go full-time artist and I feel like I'm going to throw up. What am I crazy?? I feel like I'm on the edge of an abyss - and someone is saying "It's okay - you will float - just jump!" Good fucking Lord!! I have no faith - I can't get a picture in my head of me getting work - real work....or writing real work....or making real work.  I have to figure out how to have some faith and listen to my heart. I love it all so much and it fills me up like nothing else - but there is s huge wall in my minds eye where I see me being successful or even being happy. It's like I'm drawing a blank. And I'm so tired and burnt out from the last 3 or 4 years of just pushing myself and running around exhausting myself that I just want to rest. So I don't feel like I'm changing jobs - I feel like I'm retiring the earliest anyone has ever retired before but with only $60 saves for their retirement.  Come on - I'm being nuts. This is nuts!! Man I am fucking terrified - I can't even believe it.  Well - I mean this use hat I know....what I'm doing a shave done isn't really working for me anymore and I'm not sure how to be successful at doing what I love.  And also I am bored of being exhausted and not being fruitful in what I love.  So. So I am at an inpass - right? Holy Fuck.  Okay - love you Bluebie - bye.