Ah - life.

It's Memorial Day and I'm in awe today thinking of people going and fighting for this country - people willingly fighting so that we can have a safe place to live.  So that someone like me is able to wake up, pray in a reasonably peaceful apartment and walk in a beautiful park - and have a life.  I'm just in awe.  Also Anne Meara died.  She was older and had a beautiful life but it's still so sad.  Aww - I just - I don't know - I guess Im so emotional.  The park was glorious although I was jogging and Lord - it's rough going for me.  Sunny, breezy - gorgeous day.  I miss my guy but he had to work today and I have a show tonight and I need to do some shopping for our trip this week.  I got a good night's sleep.  I'm so in love with him - it's so hard to not just keep going back and staying with him - but then I'm not taking care of myself.  What an odd thing.  Balance - I guess it's never been what I thought it would be - starting in ballet class.  Okay sooooo - I feel so incredibly grateful today.  I can't believe I wake up in the morning still.  A woman said good morning to me in the park - I said good morning back and kind of laughed to myself because I thought it was the afternoon but it wasn't!  It was the morning still.  It blew my mind.  Oooookay - I'm very - whatever - well as I said - emotional and grateful.  Life is so tender.  HA.  Love you sweet Bluebie bye.

Ohhkaaay.

So I realized sometime while working so hard on that bizarre jewelry business that I had business cards for that but none for my comedy - or acting.  What the fuck is that?  How after all this time do I not even have business cards??  So then - well I'm going to get them so there's that.  I have such wicked pms but I have been exercising so it's better.  What?  I just spent 3 days trying to figure out why something wouldn't load correctly onto my "website" - a term I am using VERY loosely trust me - to find out finally - there are TWO DIFFERENT youtube accounts.  WOW.  Seriously wow.  Hahaa - well anyway - I'm just going to do a little bit everyday and take care of myself.  Treat it like a real business and let myself - what?  I have no idea what I was going to write.  I'm so sleepy.  I'm going to drink a green drink and go for a walk.  I need to clean also and get myself ready for the week.  I am fucking terrified for this show on Wednesday.  Holy shit.  I am soooo sleepy.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Hi.

My eye is still twitching - in fact worse than ever - it's sort of my whole front face - both around the eye areas that are sort of pulsing but the right eye is twitching.  It looks crazy.  So that's fun.  I had a good morning today - got enough sleep, prayed + meditated - went to a meeting and went into the park for a walk.  I just ate a super healthy lunch and even though I should never drink coffee again I'm making one.  It's nice to be home - it's lovely day and it's quiet here.  I wish I had more things to do creatively but also - I have no energy.  I wonder if my energy is ever going to come back.  It doesn't seem like it.  I do also have PMS so I should give myself a break.  I'm home so I can get my apartment together and then the guy is going to come pick me up later.  I don't know - I'm - what?  You know I shouldn't even be writing - I'm okay today - I just need to take this time to get myself together in this apartment and take a nice hot shower and be grateful I'm sober.  I'm sober and I have a show this week.  I'm slightly terrified about it but - well - it will be okay.  It's already okay.  Alllriiighty sooo - bye?  Haha - love you sweet blog of mine.

Tired. Humidity. Nice weekend.

That really sums it up in the title.  It's SO humid and its totally Summer outside and I was dressed for a chilly Fall day today.  Haha - sweater and everything.  And boots!  Anyway I am home now and I have on shorts and the air is on and I am trying to figure out my comedy week and doing some stuff for that show I'm producing that's next week.  And drinking some delicious coffee.  I'm trying to cut down and it turns out - I can not.  The end.  I do think I am drinking slightly less but you know what - today isn't the day oh well.  We went to see my parents this weekend and it was SO nice!  We went to brunch and sat around the picnic table and talked while all these green things fell out of the trees.  It was so picturesque except for them landing in our drinks.  They drank wine - we had coffee and tea and it was fabulous.  It's so nice to still be able to have a lovely time and not get wasted.  My brother and his wife an done of his boys were there and it was just - lovely.   Anyway - we drove back last night and went to a meeting and went home.  Haha - when did that become awesome?  So lovely.  I'm so tired today but I think I just need to go for a walk in the park.  It is almost 6 so I better go.  I need some more groceries.  What am I talking about?  I have to pee.  I'm so grateful I'm sober.  SO GRATEFUL.  Bye.

Okay here's the thing.

I'm at the store today so I am thinking.  It's been a little busy so that's good.  I have realized these last couple of months that I am reasonably good at comedy - right?  And for years - well okay this was when I was already bottoming out - but I was always trying to be something else.  Some OTHER kind of comedian and actress.  Now I am beginning to learn that I am fine how I am and THEN I'm worried I wasted SO much time.  How is it ever going to be okay for me?  I don't know.  All I know is my thinking stinks and I need to change it.  I was so sad today and the streets were so quiet this morning and I told myself that it was going to suck today.  Then I said no - no its going to be great.  I just said it's going to be great and it's been a good day.  People have come in and shopped.  Okay so that's one thing I'm thinking about - changing my thinking.  I love my thinking!  See - there I have already begun.  Now the other thing.  I remembered these women (one woman in particular) who I drank at - and was still upset about FOR YEARS.  I wrote about it on her - many times.  I always thought I was such a victim of her somehow.  I remembered something I said to her - that was so - rude.  So unkind and - I don't know - I just remembered that recently and I really was like - WOW - that was such a douchey thing for me to say and I'm a victim of her?  That had to have hurt her feelings or made her furious at best.  Needless to say I'm thinking about it and she's not.  I just realized as all alcoholics finally do at some point - that I had a huge part in what failed in the relationship.  Aw - it's sad.  But okay.  WHY AM I WRITING THIS?  I'm so fucking bored.  I need a better job and I can't fathom working in an office - I tried to apply for something and my soul dried up and died even before I applied.  OKAY - EVERYTHING IS GOING TO WORK OUT AND BE OKAY.  That's it.  There we go.  LOVE you Bluebie bye. 

Still sad and I ate some bread AND dairy.

Holy shit - I think I have lost some bloat though.  But come on - what the fuck - was I really eating my feelings that much?  And what was I eating?  Sadness?  I mean this job kind of blows that's for sure.  I don't love helping cunty women - but this is so much better than waitressing.  I don't know.  I need to laugh or something.  Okay - you know what - I am just going to make the best of this day and - what?  I don't know.  Isn't that the best I can do?  I am grateful that I am sober - it's the greatest thing and if I'm having some latent sad feelings from not eating as much meat, dairy and BREAD - AND sugar - well - what the fuck - do I really have to give it a story?  I'm just sad and uncomfortable.  That's all.  My eye is still twitching - which is what started all this - I was trying to get my eye to stop twitching.  So I guess I had no idea I was backing up a whole bunch of feelings with bacon, egg and cheddar sandwiches.  Omg - YUM.  Haha.  And ice cream.  And what else?  LOTS of delicious things.  But gross - I guess I had some cleaning out to do.  And hello - I still ate a candy bar yesterday and a piece of pizza.  I just got one with spinach on it and then I ate some peanut butter when I got home.  And some dark chocolate.  OMG - that doesn't sound like I'm cutting back so much on anything right?  Haha.  But I am.  OKAY.  I'm also being so hard on myself and honestly I think I'm doing the best I can.  It's just one day at a time right?  That's all I can do.  I'm sober and that is the greatest gift.  I went to a meeting last night after therapy and one of my sponsees was there!  Ha - accountability.  I got a manicure in between and the lady was so nice to me.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Ugh - fucking blech.

This day sucked my balls.  I don't even know really why.  I got up okay - I got to walk through the park and I got to work on time.  I brought my apple and I had soup for lunch.  I'm just sad.  I miss my dog and I am so sad I'm not a mom.  Maybe I'm just sad because I'm eating less bread.  I don't know - that seems so over the top crazy to me.  But I'm eating less bread and dairy and I'm sad.  UGH.  I had a great night last night - I did an open mic that was awesome and then I went to my commercial class and killed it.  He said I'm like a different person - he said I totally aced it.  It was fun and - yeah - I have definitely learned in that class - I definitely had a breakthrough of some kind.  My book is done.  I was reading a book and now I am done with it - am I sad about that?  Maybe?  My mother gave it to me at Easter - she said it was cute and it was.  The All Girls Filling Station's Last Reunion.  UGH - I hate the way I feel right now.  I have to say though - omg - compared to being drunk and fighting that God forsaken fight of being drunk and trying to feel better all the time - FUCK - this is okay.  I'm just super uncomfortable.  SUPER.  Way.  Way uncomfortable and I want to eat cheese fries and a BACON CHEDDAR BURGER YES but I also want to wear a bathing suit soon.  Not that I can't eat that and get into a bathing suit - I just don't want to feel gross either.  OH WOW - I thought maybe I would feel better writing  here but it's making me sadder. YIKES.  Okay - well I love you sweet blog bye.

Day 2071.

Had a great day yesterday.  In awe today of being sober actually even though it was a rough morning.  I didn't set my alarm and I forgot to call my alanon sponsor.  Now she just sent me a text to let her know if I'm not going to call because she plans her morning around our call.  Once last Summer she sent me a text right when we were supposed to talk and said she had to cancel - actually shes done that a few times.  I am trying so hard right now not to write her back.  I mean come on.  Okay now I wrote her back.  I was polite and said I shouldn't have said I could speak at that time - which I shouldn't have.  I have to leave my house at 9:00 and I can barely ever do that - how can I have a phone conference at 8:15?  She was just being rude to me and I don't even think that's me being overly sensitive.  Oh here we go now shes probably going to dump me.  Right in the middle of this excruciatingly long 4th step.  I mean it was around this time 2 years ago that my other sponsor dumped me.  Ha.  The one that told me "Um - we can never talk about Astrology - um - no."  Do you know what's even crazier than me talking about some ridiculous thing from 2 YEARS ago?  I don't know.  I have no idea what I was going to write.  I called my guy to ask him to talk me off the Alanon edge.  He said I should talk to her - talk it out - not right now or today - maybe next week after I calm down - talk it out.  Ah - who is this guy?  I have to go - at work.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday Twitch

My eye is still twitching - ha.  I slept for 10 hours last night, got up and prayed & meditated and then went to a meeting.  It's beautiful outside and I made myself a healthy lunch and after I'm done with this tea I'm going to go into the park.  I made my coffee so much weaker this morning so I feel like I am about to fall over from tiredness.  So I'm having tea.  The guy said the tea won't make my eye twitch.  I stayed here last night instead of going to his place so I could get myself together.  I need to clean here and just - run errands and be in my own apartment.  Change some stuff around and organize.  I had a show last night and it was good.  I am beginning to realize that I have something to offer as far as comedy goes.  I was good last night - oh I should listen to it right now before I start tooting my own horn.  But everyone was having trouble and I did fairly well.  I just feel like I can express myself with comedy and - ugh - WOW - this is making me so uncomfortable to write this.  It's like my ego and my - what - low self-esteem are in direct conflict. Haha.  Two women came up to me after the show and said they like me which was awesome.  I mean because they were women - are women.  Anyway - I definitely lost focus and the audience a little bit - they were a tricky crowd - but overall it was good.  I feel like I really do have something to offer in comedy and I just dont feel like that so much with really anything.  That being said - I also feel like I am right at the beginning again.  I have a LOT of work to do.  Which wont all get done today so - okay - and sigh but also - okay.  Something to work towards.  This tea is great.  That class I'm taking is great - wait did I write about that already?  UGH - I'm so - brain clogged!  This cold hasn't gone away and neither has the eye twitch!  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Still twitching.

My eye is still twitching.  I can see it when I'm putting on my make-up - it's super weird.  So - yeah well I am cutting back on the caffeine but it hasn't done it yet.  Anyway - haha - my old hot acting teacher called me yesterday and asked me about the jewelry and then said he spent a shitload of money on jewelry for his girlfriend and then she broke up with him.  Do you know I never really mention my guy around him because some part of em is hoping he will still love me.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.  UGH.  So I felt so much better just knowing he's fucking people and had a girlfriend.  JEEZ - I can really be so shady.  So anyway - who cares I know and I'm human and I'm a good person - that is just left-over shit from how I used to be.  I have never done one thing to hurt my guy - I am so good to him - love and respect him and MYSELF for that matter.  Okay so - here's my thing - I'm a drunk right?  Druuunk.  Fine.  I'm also SO alanoic which I think is the part of me that is still such a victim and I am so fucking OVER it.  I WANT MY FUCKING POWER BACK.  I think it might be slowly happening because my awareness is changing.  Okay so anyway - I have a show tonight - I'm excited - so that's 3 shows this week.  Which is great.  That commercial class I am takig has been so EYE opening it's unreal!  Amazing.  Anyway as I'm writing this I have taken 2 phone calls so I am distracted.  Taken 2 phone calls??  What the fuck is that?  I mean 2 people called me and I answered haha.  OKAY BYE - still twitching after all this time - xoxoxo