POEM.

Asked for my money
Got a reply
SURE THAT'S FINE
Was the reply
WHAT I WAS SO FUCKING STRESSED OUT AND THAT'S IT????
Ughhhhhhhh.

Fucking fuck - can I have my power and brains back now?

Thanks bye.

New Day. What Day Is It?

It's day 2036!  WOW!  Wowowowow!  Okay - well that's fantastic.  Do you know what I need to do right now?  I need to somehow get my balls in check and ask for the owner of this shop to pay me.  I feel like if I had a penis it would be big but I would have smallish balls.  What does that mean?  I asked a straight guy friend once if he had a big penis and he said it was average but that he had REALLY big balls.  I didn't know what to say to that.  He also told me he liked to get blown by young Asian guys sometimes.  I didn't know what to say to that either.  So - anyway - it's a new day - one where I don't have PMS for 5 minutes and it's Spring so I've been able to be outside exercising again and that's helping tremendously.  I need lunch but - ugh - okay I have to pee.  Um - what?  Anyway - okay I have shows tonight and I need to write.  Please give me the fucking strength dear Blog to write this woman and not be SO AFRAID of her.  Anywhoooo - okay - gonna just go ahead and do it.  Heeeeelp - ahhhh - byeeeee.

Oh! But also about the Karma.

Fuck that.  I'm a writer and I need to write.  My intention really isn't to hurt others - it's to make myself feel better and laugh about how crazy people are.  It's to get relief.  Okay so I feel better now that I know that.  I think - k bye.

Wide girth.

That sounds weird right?  I am trying each and everyday to do the things I hear suggested positively as far as positive thoughts, kind feelings towards myself - forgiving myself - blah, blah blah - right?  I have sponsees, people who I try to guide through the program as I have been guided.  I give them a wide girth - ha - I have no idea if that's the right term for it - but it's what I am using right now.  I give them a lot of room.  I need structure but too much I balk at and I know a lot of people do as well.  I try to be consistent and strong - present - and roomy.  Ugh - this just sounds weird and isn't even really my point.  My point is that yesterday as I was walking out in the sunshine I was thinking about how hard I am on myself and how exhausting that is.  Then I thought to myself "Why don't I give myself the wide girth that I give everyone else" and my whole center shifted.  I mean it felt like my whole stomach went 6 inches in closer to my body - there was just this complete shifting of my center.  It was fucking crazy.  Wow - I just got so tired.  Ha - I need to go outside - it's cloudy out today so my apartment is even darker than it usually is.  So okay - so that's what I'm doing now.  Giving myself a wide girth.  Gosh -  wish that didn't sound so perverted.  Just back OFF myself you know?  Yeaaaah - so I need to go outside.  I love you sweet Bluebie Blueb.

Karma. Intentions. Service.

I think that I'm worried about when I write on here and I'm angry and I say nasty things that it's bad karma.  Maybe I need to grow out of that - I don't know.  I went and met someone yesterday who picked up - she drank - you know?  She had pot in her apartment and she's been stripping.  It wasn't the biggest mess I've ever seen but - well - she didn't want to stop basically - so I jut said - be careful. She activated the disease and now she can't stop.  Okay - that being said - the craziest part is - I felt better after helping her.  I took her to a meeting - I mean she met me there and then I went home with her and talked to her - offered to take her to more meetings - told her to stop stripping.  Ha - but then again I said - maybe you aren't done so just be careful.  I can't fight with her disease - or anyone's or even my own for that matter.  I need to write to get things off my chest and I  need to write about my crazy boss because if I don't - one day I really will take a shit on her floor and leave with the whole store left wide open.  Okay - but it's my intentions.  What are my intentions?  With writing - with being of service?  With working?  With everything?  What are my intentions?  Omg I am so fucking tired all of a sudden.  The guy is here - he hurt his back and he's in the bedroom with a heating pad on.  I need to go to sleep.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I barfed.

I was so stressed out - I am still so stressed out that I overate Sesame chicken and barfed in the middle of the night.  Is that even a thing?  I ate myself sick.  What the serious fuck?  I am so stressed out about money, about my boyfriend not getting divorced quickly enough - about never, ever, ever getting any acting work - I mean at what point do I stop paying for acting classes?  It just never happens.  Okay - well - whatever about that.  I just - this is what I think - I think I just need to get a regular day job, where I get benefits and I can pay my bills.  That's it.  That's what I want.  I can do comedy at night and maybe one day I will get paid enough so that I can quit that day job and just do comedy and be on a sitcom.  What's my dream?  To move to California - be on a sitcom and do comedy at night.  Or some variation of that.  I could live here and be on one - something - where I'm surrounded by tons a creative, high functioning people and where what I have to give is useful.  I just want to be able to go into a room and be able to say to myself - okay I can do this - I will be bringing something by being here - I can be helpful in the best possible way.  I have what they are looking for.  I can't believe I barfed.  And of course I look so fat and bloated today.  Of course I didn't barf and look skinny.  I think I would have had to barf a lot more and a lot sooner.  How do people do this with children?  It must be so unbearably stressful sometimes - with money?  I can't even imagine.  Ugh - my poor childless womb.  I AM A MESS.  Do you feel sorry for me yet?  Why not because I'm doing it for you??  Holy fuck - byeeee.  Love you Bluebers.

whoops I misunderstood what my therapist said.

She said she doesnt think i hate myself or that I have low self-esteem. She said she doesnt think I appreciate myself. Oh my God - thTs even worse!! Im on my phone. Its so tiny but now it got really big - whoa its like Alice in wonderland on my blog right now. Ugh k bye.

Hi. I'm home right now.

I was going to write - "Hi.  I'm broke."  but I'm trying to be more positive.  I am home and I am very happy about that so that's fantastic.  I got home at 7:30 I think?  Isn't that so glorious??  I can't remember the last time I got home so early.  I cooked myself food and watched Empire.  That show is Hilarious.  Omg.  HA.  I love IT.  Okay - so - well - okay here's the thing - I have no money even though I made some money this week doing comedy.  Maybe I just need to imagine myself with money.  Not LOOKING like I have money (which I don't although I look one million times better that I used to - holy fucking recovery) but - with money.  To pay my bills - help others - LIVE - take trips - give gifts!!  Get - what?  Some cute underwear I don't know.  A dog?  Okay - so I'm going to imagine myself successful doing comedy and getting paid well for it.  That's it.  YES.  I'm going to do that right now.  That being said I think I need to cancel my Netflix.  I'm never hear to watch it and it's not working anyway for some reason AND - I can't afford it.  That's it.  Shave.  I just need to shave.  My legs and my money.  I'm saying that like Cookie from Empire.  Tectonic shift needs to happen for me about money and abundance and taking care of myself - ALL around.  Why don't I start by being so grateful I have this quiet apartment right now and food.  Yes.  And a job to go to tomorrow.  With my food - ha.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

I can't get out of bed and my therapist says it's because I hate myself.

I set the alarm for 7:30 - I went to sleep about 12:30.  I woke up feeling okay so then I went back to sleep.  I kept waking up and going back to sleep and finally got out of bed at 6:20is?  I feel hung-over.  I talked to my therapist on Friday about not being able to get out of bed and how I sobatoge myself by doing that.  I end up not taking a shower, being late here to the store and then going to do shows - or something else like that and I look like shit and feel embarassed.  She said it's a reflection of how I feel about myself.  And because I don't feel good about myself - I can't take care of myself.  It's just I swear to God - going back to sleep feels so glorious.  I lay there in my clean sheets and feel like it's the best feeling in the world.  I feel like I need more sleep and for 2 minnutes after I wake up - I feel better.  But then the whole rest of the day I feel like - I don't know - so awful.  It takes so long for me to right myself.  I'm a mess right now.  I worked so hard yesterday to get groceries and save money on food this week and I didn't have time to make myself food to bring AND I was late here.  AND I had to take a cab.  I have on mostly clean clothes - except my shirt - and it smells like dirty dishwater under my left armpit.  This isn't good.  I have 2 shows tonight.  2 shows I'm actually getting paid for.  Okay - I am wiritng this so hopefully - Dear Blog God - I can learn fromt his and some kind of tectonic shift can take place.  This is what I thought of as I meditated and tried so hard to be kind to myself on my way here.  That falling back to sleep seems like an addiction of some kind and it's so crazy - I always think I can fall back to sleep and it will somehow be okay.  There is that and also I always tell myself I just need so much sleep - that thats what it is - my body needs more healing time blah blah blah.  And maybe that's true - but - then I need to get to sleep earlier OR somehow train my body to be better with less slepp so my entire day isn't fucked.  I have this friend - you know - the crazy one who I never seem to be able to keep my boundaries with (I have been lately) and she always talks about needing 9 hours of sleep and I am always like - right - yes - me too - of course.  EXCEPT SHE IS MISERABLE.  What's the point of getting 9 hours of sleep if WE ARE STILL A MESS?  Ugh - omg I'm so upset lately about not having kids it makes me want to puke.  Maybe not a good day to worry about that.  Not to mention - um - I'm pretty sure there is NO sleep with a baby.  Someone got a puppy in my building and that thing barked all day long yesterday and this morning the poor thing was whining and just making SO  much noise - I mean that horrible shriek bark.  Yikes.  I feel terrible.  I also feel like I can't handle another thing I have to do.  Is that completely ridiculous?  I can't handle trying to figure out how to get out of bed.  I can't handle trying to love myself out of bed.  Gross.  Barf.  All I want to do right now is eat 12 pounds of bacon and cheese, fall asleep for 4 hours and then go for a walk.  Maybe - jog a little?  Oh boy - well - love you Bluebie bye.

Oh my God I'm so tired.

I spoke at 2 meetings this weekend - went to Alanon, taped an audition yesterday - almost had a breakdown trying to send it, went and got my hair done this morning, did laundry, went to therapy, had a Skype audition today and ate a burger.  I ran yesterday morning and did yoga and now to day Monday - I need to get out there again and I DONT WANT TO.  I'm just sitting here watching porn and filling out stupid surveys for free airplane tickets - that I will probably never get - right?  Or maybe I will - I don't know.  I just want to lay down but I also want to be in shape.  Is there anyway to do both?  UGH.  Maybe I can sleep for 5 minutes.  Has that ever happened in the history of naps?  I think I have slept for 5 minutes before.  But I think if I try to do that right no I will sleep for an hour and a half and be upset I did that.  HELP DEAR BLOG!!  Byeeeeeee.

Stuck in Alabama.

Went this weekend to meet the guy's family - go to a wedding, go to his Mother's funeral in Alabama.  Our flight out got cancelled and so we had to stay in Alabama last night - it was weird.  But okay.  I have never had that happen before.  His family was nice and now I'm back at work and trying to get things done.  It was a little boring I guess but nice - the weekend I mean.  I feel a little lost myself with everything but I guess I always do.  I did sit-ups last night.  Um - what?  I'm bored.  I finally just donated money to different places I said I was going to - from the jewelry.  My friend that I'm giving the slow fade to just got in touch with me and I was just polite - so that's good.  WHAT?  Ugh - the dragon lady that I work for here at the store was so not cool about me getting stuck in Alabama.  Haha - who cares?  Come on - UGH.  Anyway - I really need a meeting.  We went to one on Nashville and one on Sunday - in Alabama.  It was nice to be in some fresh air- some truly fresh air.  I feel so lost about my career.  There is nothing like not doing anything for 5 days to make me feel like "What am I doing and how am I ever going to get anywhere?"   It's so confusing - I get around the fresh air an dI feel better, look better - feel lost.  Then I get here - there's cigarettes everywhere now and I'm already feeling toxic and gross.  BUT I feel less lost - sort of.  UGH - GAWD.  Gotta go do something - ANYTHING.  Help.  Bye.

Loneliness.

Okay so last night was a bust although it was fun.  I'm going to send this guy something I already have.  I'm trying to upload it and its taking FOREVER.  Okay whatever.  My biggest realization right now is this.......I have been avoiding my friend that makes me crazy.  Right?  So none of the crazy questions form her - or the bizarre self-centered all about herness - even when I've said something that is going on with me.  Here's the ticker - I'm pretty sure at this point she is actually blowing ME off AND I'm lonely!  I can't believe how much time I spent having and unhealthy relationship with her!  Not only that but it must have given me something to press against - ugh - now I'm left with myself.  Gross.  It's like when I left the bed and breakfast.  Turns out I have big part in my - life.  HA.  Gross.  Now I want to eat a turkey.  But I'm not going to.  Ugh and sigh.  Okay I have to do some work here and I'm completely avoiding it.  I'm going to drink some water and do some work.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Shows, fear - need to leave the house, Just Sitting Here.

I have a show tonight - there's really no need to be very nervous except I'm trying to get a tape - not a tape - what do you call it now?  A video I guess - yes - a video.  I want to record my set so I can try to get on this TV show.  I need WORK.  I need paid work - I need to get - okay - whoa.  I want.  Who needs to be on TV?  I don't know - so I asked the guy if I could submit to him - he said yes and now I am terrified.  I asked another guy if I can do his show so I can get a tape for this and now I am terrified.  I almost destroyed my relationship earlier today because I'm so scared.  UGH.  There's really nothing at stake.  I can just do the show tonight and then if it's a good set - give it to the guy and he will like it or not.  That's it.  Jesus.  So I put on my make-up - got all ready - and now I am sitting here typing this.  I need a manicure and a pedicure for this weekend.  I'm going to his niece's wedding and then on Monday - his poor Mama's funeral.  SO CLEARLY I NEED A MANICURE.  Ugh - no seriously my toes look like the jagged edge of something - they are killing all my socks.  I can't seem to leave the house though because then I have to go to this show.  I need a meeting also.  CHRIST I'm scared.  This is like what?  I don't know but I have to go.  YIKES.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.