I just ate a pizza at work.

It's so cold & rainy and I have a cold.  So I ate a pizza.  Garlic and spinach.  It was fucking delicious.  I am so chilly and I'm tired.  I did 2 shows last night -which was good.  I need a coffee I think.  The guy has a cold too.  So in the am we are driving to the farm and over the weekend I'm going to try and sell some jewelry.  It does seem crazy in this weather and I am forgetting how to have fun with it.  I'm so tired of being poor but I guess more than that I'm tired of feeling scared about it.  I feel the same way whether I have money or not so BLECH.  I'm over it.  I have a cold AND a yeast infection (I don't mean to brag).  Well I'm going to make cranberry scones tonight and make my mother a pineapple upside down cake.  That's fun right?  What I really want to do is go home after work and go to bed at 9:30 and sleep for 4 days.  My schedule is so much lighter than it was and I'm still so tired.  Or - I don't know - maybe I'm just tired because I have a cold and it's raining.  I REALLY don't know if I can handle 4 MORE WEEKS of Christmas music.  Holy fucking Jesus balls.  Okay well I think I have complained enough.  On a more awesome and grateful note (why not it's Thanksgiving??) I have 1911 days sober.  Sober and more or less clean (except for all the rage and poor behavior).  Hooray!!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Oh BOY.

Jeez - well yesterday I had some sort of implosion.  By the time I left the store I was angry and filled with rage and - not good.  I couldn't shake it off - even after therapy and a meeting.  I finally ate Cheetos, an ice cream sandwich, watched New Girl and then slept 9 hours and then prayed and meditated for well over an hour this morning and I feel better.  Well - so I feel better and now I need to get out of my pajamas and get up and at 'em.  I don't know about anyone else but I need time alone.  That's all there is to it.  But now I need to get out there and back into the world.  Jesus - I was taking myself VERY seriously last night.  Can you imagine adding drugs and alcohol to that?  That's what I used to do.  Get angry - filled with rage and then just dump lighter fluid on top of it.  It wasn't always like that - sometimes it was fun and crazy - I would feel relief and feel better.  But at the end of it - I was always just relighting the rage - silently stewing in my own pot of hatred.  What???  OMG - could I be more melodramatic right now?  Well it's true though.  I'm so sad I wasted that time - wasted my joy - wasted my light.  WELL I DON'T HAVE TO ANYMORE - and these programs help give me the tools to not do that anymore.  How was this so exhausting to write?  Haaaa - sigh.  I need to go in the park and get some fresh air.  My love to you my sweetest, sturdiest Bluebie!!!  Byeeeee!!

POEM

I haven't got much to say
So I will dance
In my head
As I waste away
sitting here
Pretending I care
I DO CARE.
Why did I eat SO MUCH TOFU?
WHO OVEREATS TOFU?????
Bye.

Playful Manifestation.

That was today's centering thought or title or whatever for Deepak and Oprah's meditation challenge.  Have you been doing it?  It's really wonderful.  Have I written about this before?  Deepak has such a soothing voice!  Omg - which is not how I usually feel when I listen to Indian men.  Yeah - I like it.  So today was about playful manifestation.  I'm more of the school of Manipulative Manifestation.  Or Forceful Manifestation or Drive It Into The Ground Manifestation.  So - see - that's why the guided meditations are helpful!  I am so stressed out that my shoulders hurt.  When I am stressed out I scrunch my shoulders up around my neck - holy fucking tense tension.  All I have been doing is sitting here today trying to learn about this jewelry.  Okay I also ate and put on make-up.  HOW IN THE FUCK is that doing something?  And I talked to the guy a little bit.  Oh that sweet guy.  I did sell a pair of gloves.  WHAT?  Who am I???  I did a show last night and that was good.  Tonight I am going to try and sell more jewelry.  I guess we will see how it goes!!  Playfully!  Right?  I am really going to work from that place of Playful Manifestation.  Okay loooove you Bluebie byeee!!

WARNING - I'M GOING TO BE POSITIVE

I had such a nice weekend with the guy and then I went and did a show tonight and brought some friends with me - Larni and some other people.  Then we went to a diner and I had SUCH a great time!  I mean - are you kidding me?  I also went to a meeting and went for a jog this morning.  I feel so blessed.  Right now the super and the homeless guy who helps him are painting outside in the hallway and smoking - HA - so there you go - I'm not being completely positive!  I had a decent show and now I need to do homework, do my yoga and go to sleep.  AMEN LITTLE BLUEBIE - AMEN.

What I learned about myself today.....

I don't understand people and I don't understand how to understand what the fuck is ever going on in reality.  Also I don't really give a shit and I'm tired and sometimes I would rather lie than deal with people.  I'm not sure how that' helpful but there it is.  Oh life!  So tender.  Bye.

Clarity.

I can't seem to get any clarity about what I want.  What I REALLY want.  I want health insurance and a job and a beautiful place to live.  So I have no health insurance - I can't get other work because it conflicts with my job here - I do some comedy - take an acting class and I'm trying to sell this jewelry.  It's too much!  Oh my GOD - I am about to fall asleep.  I'm afraid to even SAY what I really want.  Okay bye.

Class.

I had class last night.  It was wonderful - so amazing - I feel so totally grateful and blessed to be taking this class.  I had an interesting (to me) thing happen - very recovery based.  I had that jewelry thing yesterday which I got my period right in the middle of - I think because it was a room of over 100 womena nd I think my period just got confused.  ANYWAY - I wasn't prepared for that and I felt soooo gross and confused.  Byt he time I got to class I really was a bit of a mess.  I met my scene partner early and we rehearsed but I felt so gross and I was like "Oh he hates me..." blah blah blah - right?  So then we get picked to go 14th and I told myself I would let myself go brush my teeth - freshen up - take CARE of myself before we rehearsed again (you leave 1 or 2 people before you onstage to prepare) and got to go onstage.  So I did - I took my time and took care of myself and then it was so much easier to work with him.  I also had told myself the scene wasn't funny and then I said stop thinking anything about it - just take the challenge and DO THE WORK.  And then guess what?  It was funny - there's so much in the scene and it's hilarious.  Okay gotta go and somehow try to sell something at this store today.  Love your blogger face.

Glorious weekend....

I am getting nail polish dryer shit all over my keyboard right now - I hope it's not fucking up the computer?  I have to wipe it off.  I had a glorious weekend with the guy and tomorrow I have a jewelry convention.  Gotta go - love you Bluebie bye!!

A mess.

So tired- I feel so burnt out and - also lucky though.  The guy is so great - SO NICE - so sweet.  My class is amazing.  I'm just fried and I have PMS early and it's SO bad this time omg.  I have to go to bed right this second.  The jewelry is slooooowly moving along.  Okay - bye.

Bored with no pants on.....

I ended up staying home until it's time for me to go to my meeting and get to class.  I took care of some things, folded some laundry and took a nap.  Looked at some porn.  I have on no pants and I don't think I have ever felt manlier in my life.  The jewelry party went really well!!  My mind is blown!!  Now I just need to do that more.  It's also way to warm in here.  I have on 2 shirts - but again - no pants.  Underwear - please I'm not a savage.  Soooooooooo - I think it's safe to say I have too much time on my hands but - well - um - I like it?  I'm going to read my play before class. Loooooove YOU Bluebie!!

Cranberry Scones.

I am so tired suddenly but I don't want to stop this assignment I have given myself of writing for one hour every day (20 minutes).  I just made cranberry scones and (from scratch) and while I was making them I had the TV on - just on NY1.  I fucking had SO much fun.  All by myself - it would have been so nice and great if the guy were here but also - I love baking so much that I was just so happy to be doing it.  I ate 3 of them - 2 were little ones?  So they are delicious - maybe a touch oniony?  I'm not entirely sure why that would be.  Anyway - I cleaned earlier today and I mean I really cleaned the kitchen - washed the garbage cans - cleaned out the fridge, the stove, the oven - the floor, under the sink (am I bragging?).  So it was nice to cook in a clean kitchen!  I am so entertained by any channel that when I do turn the TV on - sometimes I never even change the channel.  It's so fascinating to me - so entertaining.  I have another jewelry party tomorrow and I went to a great show tonight - this afternoon really.  I am suddenly so sleepy.  Okay well maybe today I will have written for 5 minutes.  I also wrote a joke so does that count for anything?  Yes - of course!!  It  took about 3 minutes total.  WOW - I am SO sleepy - I think I need to go right to bed.  What about my yoga?  And my teeth?  Goodnight sweet Bluebers.