Scary Story on Halloween......

Today is my therapy night.  Tonight is Halloween.  Here in New York City there is a Halloween Parade that goes up 6th Avenue - starting a few streets below my therapy (I don't know maybe it's way below - but close enough).  The whole West Village is a fucking NIGHTMARE.  I had to cross 2 barriers just to get to therapy and once I got there - in the waiting room was Morticia - slutty Morticia - who just stared at me until her boyfriend came out of his therapy and then they left.  LEAVING THERAPY?  Trying to get to my station?  NIGHTMARE.  Hoards of people - I finally got behind a cop who was making his way through the crowd yelling and I was able to get past the biggest hoard but not before he farted SO BAD my hair blew back and my nose hairs fell out.  HORRIFYING.  Well I finally got shoved to the train station and got on the train and then had the most calm, lovely, quiet ride home.  AMAZING.  Anyway I'm trying to write for an hour everyday and I already wrote in my journal and now I'm writing here.  I suppose with me taking breaks to watch this Simpsons episode that's on I've written for 20 minutes.  IT'S A START!!  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Scared at Rite-Aid.

Is it Rite-Aide?  I don't know - either way I got scared.  I was picking out a nail polish and a kid came over and asked if I wanted a cookie - he was holding one in the palm of his hand and I said "No thank you" very nicely.  Then he asked me if I give head.  I just looked at him and he had this look on his face and I realized he was so YOUNG and I just said "Not to 12 year olds now get the fuck away from me."  And I pointed my finger and I said it really loud.  Then he made a face and was like "Ohhhh" and his friend said "What did she say - oh man - I really wanted some head." As they were going out the door.  They left and then I got scared.  So I didn't know what to do and I just kept looking for the color I was looking for which is a really weird color so I took me forever to find and by the time I did I had calmed down.  But that fucking SCARED me.  What the fuck was this kid doing?  He was 12 but he was still bigger than me.  Of course my ego was like "Oh I must look so much better" except I look AWFUL today.  And do you know what I was wearing?  Blue tights, a dress with daisies on it and a (ha) dumpy cashmere sweater.  With a really sexy, dirty bun on my head.  No make-up.  HA.  What the fuck?  Then I told my boyfriend and he was like "Oh his friend probably dared him."  I was SO FUCKING MAD.  I was like that fucking kid SCARED THE SHIT out of me.  I told my boyfriend I'm going to learn Marshal Arts (I think I spelled that wrong) and then he said I was reacting to the situation and then I REALLY got mad.  Whatever - we worked it out but what is happening to me?  I suddenly can't deal with people anymore and I can't deal with some shitty little 12 year old.  I hate being scared almost as much as I hate being angry.  What?  You would think I love being angry.  I just ate so much garlic I have like fumes coming out of me.  What can I do?  What is an action I can take right now?  I know - do my little yoga before bed.  I want to lie down and be victimized but I think I am doing myself a better turn by doing yoga.  Ugh - I'm so upset - these last couple of weeks have been so sucky.  But yet - not.  UGH.  Okay - I love you Bluebie - GOOD NIGHT.

I'm SO BORED and I could have written 2 NOVELS BY NOW.

Or at least one or at least a STORY for fuck's sake.  I have to get another job.  I need to be able to take better care of myself - THAT'S IT.  I mean I just charged a VERY expensive salad on my credit card but I was HUNGRY and I need something healthy.  OH yikes.  So I just sit here and worry while I'm at this job and just look at facebook and google weird shit and get nothing done.  Sometimes I write in my journal a little bit.  Ahhhhhhh!!!  Okay - so I'm going to get myself a FUCKING JOB.  This is what I want.  I want to work 40 hours a week at a job where I get benefits (great ones) and where I get paid enough to survive (well) on one job, that is creative and fun and interesting and where I'm learning and being of service.  THAT'S WHAT I WANT.  9-5 - or 10-6.  YES.  THAT'S WHAT I WANT.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Day 1881.

I have this day counting app on my phone and it says "You have been in recovery for 1,881 Days."  So that's how I know.  How many days I have.  That's a lot of days but also - not so many.  I'm so happy I'm sober.  I just got back from class.  I had an amazing set onstage last night - I killed - I had fun - it was so great.  I did not kill in class tonight - at all.  Ha - this monologue I'm working on is a of a dancer and tonight - I danced and I was having trouble to say the least - breathing.  My teacher said (ha) "Well I'm sorry you're so out of breath."  HA - aaaaand WHOMP.  Jesus - he's fucking 92 and he called me out for being out of shape.  But it's true.  Anyway - so I love the class but it's certainly not happening quickly.  I am just going along slowly with everything.  Lots of work in the programs - lots of meetings - I met with 2 of my sponsees the last 2 days so I am being of service.  I have no money - that credit card is just fattening right the fuck up.  I need to put myself on some sort of crazy, miniscule budget.  I mean - I could do that.  I SHOULD DO THAT.  What do I mean "I could?"  What the fuck is that - am I threatening to get my shit together?  Jesus.  My guy is about to move into his new apartment - I helped him pick out a couch and lamps for the new place - that was fun.  I don't know OMG THERE IS A MOUSE IN MY FRYING PAN RIGHT NOW.  I just made this delicious fried dessert and APPARENTLY HE WANTS SOME.  I am so fucking grossed out and at the same time so lonely for a pet that I hope he LOVES IT.  My life is so ridiculous sometimes.  I need to go to bed - love you Bluebie byeee.

I'm chewing my lip off.

Excuse me - lips.  Stressful week and I really don't have enough money and I really am so fucking tired.  I have sat here all fucking day at this job - I had to FORCE myself to put some hats and scarves into the system and then I - what?  I felt like I moved mountains or at least like I really contributed to society.  BY PUTTING HATS AND SCARVES into the system.  I'm yelling.  I'm very upset.  I'm so hurt by something a friend said to me - a lot of somethings - I just am having such a hard time getting past it.  I felt sick for 2 days.  Okay - how is this so hard?  I've been in recovery for 5 fucking years and I'm so lost - it feels like.  Or just upset.  It's so slow here I'm just spinning around in my own head.  Anyway - well now some fur came and I can put that out on the floor and pretend like I did something today.  Wow - I'm being so hard on myself and I have worked so hard to be in a better place - I'm so upset.  I can't wait to go to therapy.  Bye Sweet Bluebers.  Ugh.

So tired.

I'm so tired and this jewelry business is so hard and growing very, so, slowly.  Oh.  Oh I don't know what to say - I'm being super hard on myself right now - it's early in the morning.....I just need coffee and to take a shower.  I'm so terrified about money.  I just don't get what's happening right now.  A lot of drama in my head I guess - for starters.  I'm so uncomfortable.  Well - okay - time to pray & meditate and make the most - the best I can of this day.  I missed my doctor's appointment yesterday - I just totally forgot to go.  Then I got a bill for something - oh that fucking mammogram - that I already paid for and the great news is I finally got paid for that movie I worked on last year.  $50.00.  I had to fight for that $50.00.  Love you Blueberry.

New class.

This new class is packed with talent and WOW - there has been a TON of famous people who have studied with this man and won Oscars.  He's a fucking legend this man.  I swear to God though I thought he was having a stroke tonight in class and then I realized he was just going over in his head the piece the guy was working on - hilarious.  I feel so grateful to be in this class.  I feel very shy and uncomfortable.  VERY VERY VERY, VERY uncomfortable.  I had my own giant ego rearing it's head tonight but who cares - it happens and next time I can go back and work from a different place.  It's so crazy because everyone in the class is funny.  Also not everyone works and there is so little ego in the class it's crazy.  One chick wasn't very nice to me on the way out - but - well - women are always like that at first aren't they?  Fuuuuuck her - she will love me in three weeks.  Maybe.  I'm so tired - love you Bluebie bye.

Stress.

I'm in my bed.  My sheets are clean and so are my teeth and my face.  I'm working hard at my job and I'm working hard at the jewelry thing even though I feel like nothing is happening.  I got business cards made and I feel like that alone is so MONUMENTAL I can't even tell you.  I've never been able to do that before.  I just feel sad though because I don't know what I'm doing.  I really - for real this time - have no clue what I'm doing.  Well - okay - I'm working slowly at it - but every day and I'm slowly doing everything else.  Comedy, acting - okay.  I'm so tired.  I just feel like such a mess - and I can not see how any of this is going to work out.  Maybe it won't.  Maybe I will just get a full-time job at Tiffany's and that will be that.  I have to go to sleep - I'm so tired.  I had a full, long day and I went to a meeting and I did the best I could today.  I do feel that's true.  Am I being nice to myself - that's terrifying.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.  ps It's time to grow up.

So much laundry and so little time.

When was the last time I wrote on here?  I don't know - all I know id I haven't done laundry for at least 3 weeks and tomorrow I have no more underwear - or at least not functional underwear.  I only have the weird underwear left - the uncomfortable ones that don't fit right and I'm not sure why I keep them.  There's one pair that I swear gives me a yeast infection every time I wear them because they are loose lace and they bunch in my cooch.  Thank you.  I spent almost 2 hours in Forever 21 today trying on clothes and the whole time I was like - oh I have this already it's in the laundry.  Oh whatever - because I waited so long to do laundry it's too much and I can't even seem to attempt it.  If this is the most difficult problem I have today I dare say I am blessed.  I went to see my parents this weekend and it was so nice on the farm and so nice to spend time with them.  I got to see one of my best friends and take a couple of walks along the river by her house.  I miss the guy so much.  I got to see him Friday night but that was it till Tuesday.  I made a mistake and didn't go to a meeting Wednesday and then because of the class Thursday I couldn't go - Friday I had work and therapy so I couldn't go and on Saturday I tried to go at my parents but the meeting wasn't happening and there were no other meetings that night.  So what's the lesson?  Whenever I hear myself saying "I just don't feel like it" - whatever it is - I BETTER FUCKING DO IT.  Like right now for example.  I don't feel like doing laundry but I better do it.  Self-care.  Jesus - I almost just bought new clothes instead of doing laundry.  UGH.  Why did I just eat 10 chicken wings?  IM GETTING FAT AGAIN BLUEBERRY.  The heat came on - I can smell it.  I guess Summer is really over.  SO BIZARRE.  Even more bizarre is I'm watching the news.  I can NOT hear Ebola one more time - what the fuck?  Wasn't there always Ebola?  That's probably the dumbest thing to say now I have to google it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Day 1864.

I took the class and it was great.  He laughed at my song I did as a monologue (they all did) and the class had tons of great work in it.  It was SO fucking long - 4 hours - and it meets twice a week - but it was great.  I'm so shocked to suddenly be in this different class - it's so great.  He's so funny this new teacher - I had no idea - I'm very excited for that.  Well actually I mean he loves funny.  I was only on stage briefly but it was fine.  I prepared and did my work.  It was so hard to memorize the lyrics to my song as opposed to singing it - isn't that so crazy?  I pushed a little bit during the monologue so that - well - what was great about that - was I stopped.  Yeah.  There was a girl who was super pushing during her "rehearsal" (which is what he calls it when you work onstage) and so I was very sensitive to that.  It's SO tricky to know when it's pushing vs. sitting on the energy.  I mean - pushing vs. getting it out of you because that's what is called for.  Yes.  Okay so I'm not selling too much jewelry but I did already start donating from the profits I have made to an animal rescue so that felt GREAT.  I need to find a permanent one to hook up with - or I don't know - maybe not - although that might be helpful.  That's something to think about.  I have to go to sleep and try to wake up at 6:00 am.  Love you Bluebie bye.

So I got it!

I passed the audition and now I get to be in an even more expensive class.  Holy shit - I was like - what the fuck did I just do?  Okay - so - wow.  I am so tired - I had such a long day - a long, great day.  2 meetings, the audition and I just got back from a show that I actually prepared for.  I did my set the way I wanted but the crowd was paying their checks and that's the worst - no attention then.  But - well it was fun.  I had such a blessed day and I got to get over some hurdles and work hard towards my craft.  I'm so tired - I loooove you Bluebie bye.

Scared.

I'm so scared of this audition that I want to lay down and go to sleep.  Also I feel so totally lost and out of it as far as show business goes anyway - I just feel like I fell off the track when I got drunk and I just can't get back.  Ugh - what do I know?  Or maybe I know and it doesn't matter.  Maybe what is happening is exactly what is supposed to be happening.  Anyway - what else?  I'm scared and I want to lie down - we covered that.  I need to go into the park and get some exercise but I'm stalling because I'm cold and lazy.  I had the nicest weekend again with the guy.  He's just so amazing and kind - what the fuck is that?  Oh we did get into a sort of an argument yesterday but I managed to - whoa - we managed to get past it.  It needed to be spoken of anyway and I did feel like he was taking care of himself - and I was taking care of myself.  Ugh - okay - I better get going before I don't have enough time to get ready and go into the park.  I've been jogging again and somehow getting fatter.  I guess it hasn't caught up with me yet ha.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Audition.

I have an audition on Monday for my teacher's teacher - my acting teacher's teacher.  This is the man I auditioned with who said he didn't have room in his class for me and recommended I study with my teacher.  So.  So I am terrified because if I do get into this class it's a whole new level of work and a whole new level of responsibility and a whole new change to my schedule.  I'm so stressed out.  What am I doing?  I'm so all over the place with different projects and just starting this jewelry business.  Okay but I'm okay I guess.  I already prayed &  meditated, read the big book with my sponsor and wrote in my journal.  I'm going to go to a meeting and then clean my apartment and organize things.  Before I go to the meeting I'm going to do some of my alanon step work.  I'm just really uncomfortable, really scared about money and really worried that I'm doing everything wrong.  Also that dude is smoking up a STORM downstairs but since I filed an official complaint with 311 I feel better.  I mean I feel sick from the smoke right now but I took an action and I will take more.  They sent me an email saying I could complain again if nothing changes.  Yeeash - I feel like I am newly sober again what he fuck.  So uncomfortable and struggling.  Well - at least I'm not hung-over and I'm not going to throw up later AND I am living a life - even if it's totally messy right now.  It's the little things although those are probably big things.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Painogram.

I got a mammogram this morning and it hurt SO FUCKING BAD.  Ha.  I'm saying Ha because a newcomer to AA got all excited when I said I was having one and decided to help me through the process by giving me the COMPLETE rundown of how one goes, how it doesn't hurt - what exactly happens - don't be scared....So I went in there thinking it was just going to be a "tight squish" of my boobs - that's all and OH MY GOD!!!  How the fuck are those women who do porn DOING THAT?  It was laughable so totally painful.  I really am glad I was so relaxed because holy shit.  Anyway - I did it and I went to another doctor's appointment and I'm almost all caught up on doctor's appointments.  I just filled out a job survey for Tiffany's - I applied to a job and then they sent me this questionnaire - I don't know - it took me like 40 minutes to fill it out!  Ugh - I just want a job and health insurance already.  Already?  Well yeah - yes I do.  Holy shit I'm tired.  I went to a meeting, met my acting teacher and worked on an audition for Monday - yeesh - busy day off.  Anyway - sooooo I need to go to therapy now.  Okaaaay - so it's day 1857.  Pretty amazing right?  It's a good day.  Love you Bluebie bye!

Everything has changed....

I'm in my bed and I'm going to sleep so I can wake up early for a mammogram - just the routine you are getting old kind.  I have a boyfriend, I have been writing and performing - omg is this SO BORING to read?  Holy FUCK.  Okay here's something interesting...I used to go bonkers - even a year ago - if I had to travel too far with one person because I could not wait to be alone - I guess I couldn't handle the intimacy.  Or the person - I don't know - I just would feel exhausted - it was easier to be alone.  Tonight I traveled on the local train with this guy because I WANTED to interact with him - on a human level.  WHAT IS THAT?  I couldn't believe it.  I'm so sleepy.  I'm not selling so much jewelry.  I'm wearing tooons of it - not selling so much.  Anyway - so.  I loooove you Bluebie bye.