So tired.

So pms - so angry.  I got exactly what I wanted which is more days here and to not waitress and now I'm mad that my friend seems like she's mad.  What the FUCK is that??  Oh my dear lord I'm just so bloated.  Okay - I'm trying to leave from the store tonight as kindly and lovingly as possible.  That's the right thing to do right?  Why am I taking a 6:30 am flight??  What in the world?  Okay - well - okay.  Haha - I will let you know how this goes.  I'm going to tell my parents about the guy this weekend - oh WOW.  I have to go love you Bluebie bye.

Sunburn.

Got a sunburn at the beach.  Plus side - I got to go to the beach.  Saw his wife at the beach.  Plus side - remembered he had a wife at the beach.  Other plus side - it somehow made us closer.  What?  Am I lying to myself?  I have no idea.  My friend quit working at the boutique.  Plus side - I get an extra day and I am QUITTING the restaurant.  I just have to figure out how to do it so I am okay financially.  But in 3 weeks I need to be gone from there so thank fucking GOD.  I had roast beef for lunch - plus side - I had roast beef for lunch.  OKAY I LOVE YOU BYE!!! 

in Islip

We are in islip to go to the beach - we stayed overnight in a hotel and it's so much fun.  I brought my iPad so I am able to write on here.  They accidentally gave me the day off from the restaurant and I just went with it.  It's a holiday and I almost never have holidays off and he was so thrilled I could spend the day with him.  I can't wait to go to the beach!  I brought my ukulele and we were playing it last night - oh my god!! So much fun!! I'm going to take some pictures with this today and see how that goes.  We spent the day together yesterday also.  He's back from meditating gotta go love you Bluebie byeeee!!!

More working, more tired, more Orchids.

He sent me orchids - they died (I probably killed them) - he got a replacement sent to me at his office he brought it to me and they sent another one to the store also - which I went and picked up in this torrential downpour last night.  Now I have 2 gorgeous orchids that I get to kill in my kitchen.  I named them Francine and Loretta.  Well he named one Francine - I named the new one Loretta.  She might need a name change.  Anyway I have to go work brunch and I'm already late.  Can you even imagine what it will be like when I won't be waitress anymore???  It will be so glorious I can only hope.  So.  So there you go.  They brought me in the office yesterday and said they loved me and they don't want me to give my notice.  Oh dear LORD - how awful is that?  So for the first hour I was like "Awwwww - I love this job - I love waffles for breakfast (they gave us waffles for breakfast) - these customers aren't so bad - awwww."  Right?  Then the 20th person finally got to me and by the end of the day I was fried and exhausted.  So fried - burnt the fuck out.  So today I changed my arrival time to 9 instead of 8:00 so I could pray & meditate and write on here.  Does that count as self-care?  Probably not but - well - that's what I'm doing.  So I love you still and I miss you still bye.

Rage and sympathy cards.

I'm so totally angry right now - for reasons I'm sure having nothing to do with reality.  I still fell quite frazzled even thought the last few nights I got good sleep and last night I was able to clean and put away my Winter clothes.  I'm going to get to see my guy tonight and he is still totally wonderful.  I feel the other girl who I work with is angry with me or something and so because I FEEL that way - it must be true and because she seems to be blowing me off and not asking me for anything - I am angry.  I guess I am also angry because she asked me to rearrange my whole schedule to help her and I couldn't and it seems like she is mad.  I have worked for her so many times - so many hours - I mean - unreal.  She has also occasionally worked for me but still.  SEE I AM SO ANGRY.  However - despite that - I was just able to mail out sympathy cards to my little sisters in-laws because the Grandmother died.  I loved her!!!  She was such a great lady - so sweet.  Did I already write this?  I mean that she dies?  Anyway - the cards are totally late but I did it - when was I able to ever send out cards to anyone??  Never.  I was never able to do anything.  I would get high and think about it - plan out all I was going to do and I would never do it.  Isn't that so sad.  Oh my God - I can't even think about it.  Well - so there you go.  I need a meeting.  I'm also tired even though today was so totally boring.  Even the transsexual who came in here and tried on the same 3 pairs of pants over and over again for an hour and a half wasn't enough to interest me - although the first 6 pant changes were amusing.  Alright - well it's raining out and I love you bye.

Home early.

I left my acting class early because the trains stop running at 10:00 this week - so I ended up getting home by 10:00 - which is early!!  I took care of myself by doing that.  So I worked on my resume today and started to look on Craig's List for jobs.  There must be other ways to find jobs than Craig's List also - right?  I'm so clueless.  Okay but now I'm starting to work on that so that's good.  I feel like my friend from the store hates me but maybe she just has PMS too.  Oh LORD - women are tricky.  I'm starting to learn about Buddhism and I'm not sure how but it is starting to help me think better.  You know - being an alcoholic is all about having a shitty perception of things - so when one is sober - one's perception shifts - hopefully.  I suppose it is fair to say mine has shifted at least somewhat - I mean just look back on here - I was fucking batshit mother fucking crazy!  Okay so now - I don't know - all I know is the Buddhism is the next learning for me.  I don't totally get it but I like it.  I'm reading a book called The Diamond Cutter - really great.  The guy gave it to me.  It was one of the books he gave me when he gave me that pile of books!!  So unreal.  He gave me BOOKS - let's just remember that for a second.  Amazing.  I have to go my sponsee I think needs me.  So grateful to be home a little early and get a decent night's sleep.  Love you Bluebie bye!!!!

Choas theory.

I have no time - between my 2 jobs and my BOYFRIEND - omg what???  I have a boyfriend and I am so crazy about him and now I haven't really been able to keep things straight.  Plus the waitressing - I just can't with it.  do you know what a man said to me yesterday about his omelet that was too runny?  He said (ha) "I don't care if it takes 55 minutes - just have them burn the fucking omelet and make sure it's cooked!!"  His friend gave me 26 dollars for a tip and their bill was only 6o dollars.  Can you even imagine??  He actually cursed at me.  Unreal.  Anyway - now I'm here at the store and it's so hot in here - the air isn't working and the ladies are pissed about it!!  Oh - oh well.  So - so this is where I am in my life right now.  I am having such a hard time imagining that I could have a life where I don't need to not only waitress but also feel badly about myself.  How's that for a layer of the fucking onion??  Now I'm cursing about food!!  So - yeah - well - so that's that.  I miss writing on here and I feel like my acting and comedy is over once again.  I did a show Sunday night at 11:00 at night - I hosted and I felt like I was going to die in the middle of it - I was so fucking tired.  I had worked and hung out with my guy all weekend and went to meetings and a play and oh my fucking God - seriously - so tired.  Then yesterday I had to be at work at 8:00 am and by the time I left the restaurant at 6:30 at night I could not imagine ever going back again.  I still can't - my legs hurt, my soul hurt - it was so fucking awful.  I walked right to a meeting and that made me feel better but - well that's where I am.  It's like the bed and breakfast all over again - I just can't seem to leave!!!  I'm shaking my head - I mean it's really unreal.  Or bizarre or whatever.  Okay I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE AND I MISS YOU.  Bye.

Sigh.

No hot water today and I didn't take a shower yesterday haha - of course.  I am also going blind.  I can barely see without my glasses on - which is so fucking confusing since they are for reading.  Okay - really I am a mess today.  I'm just so fucking tired which I don't understand - I slept for 8 fucking hours almost last night.  I just can't keep up with anything and I don't know how I can balance anything out.  I had such a nice weekend with the guy - so lovely and then - now -I'm a mess.  He said something last night that I misunderstood and now I have plummeted to the ground and I don't want to talk to him anymore.  Okay - which I haven't and that's good.  Okay - what would I tell someone else?  I would say - calm down - take care of yourself - maybe meditate for a few minutes - regroup.  Let it all go and turn it over.  Breathe.  Listen to my heart.  I paid my rent finally, organized myself and did laundry last night.  I have class tonight and my big meeting.  It's okay - it's really okay.  IS IT?????  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Done.

I'm so done being a waitress.  This - I know - I have been saying for years but it has suddenly just become intolerable and I can't even do it well suddenly also.  I don't know - if I ever did.  It's just the next layer of the onion - it really is and I just have to get my ass out there and get a different job - no big deal.  What?  I can't even tell you how hard it is to not just give my notice - I'm done I'm over it - that's it.  Unreal.  I feel like I am carrying a backpack trying to climb a mountain and it has like 12 outfits in it.  I would just ditch that fucking backpack right?  Just be like "Fuck this backpack - fuck these outfits - who fucking cares???"  After I left that job today I was soooo burnt out and I went to therapy, skipped my acting class, came home, took a bath, meditated and did yoga and THEN I finally felt a little bit better.  What the fuck kind of job is that???  It's so crazy - this is as crazy as me living in that Bed & Breakfast and not being able to leave - I mean this just simply isn't how my life needs or has to be.  Okay well so I will talk about this for the next 2 years and eventually leave this job to MANAGE some other horrifying place.  NO I WILL FUCKING NOT.  I WILL GET MYSELF ANOTHER JOB JESUS FUCKING MARY AND JOSEPH CHRIST.  Amen.  Bye.

Where am I?

I'm asking you not me.  No - I'm telling you I guess.  How passive aggressive is that?  Anyway I'm at work - I'm here a little bit late - I'm going to a later dance class so I have a little extra time before I need to leave.  I like the guy so much - awwwwww - he's so so great - so sweet.  Anyway - I'm excited to go dance.  I had a great acting class last night and I hosted a show - and that was fun.  I'm so fucking tired but I'm drinking coffee and I feel grateful.  Don't worry!!!  I'm sure it will change.  I just can't believe how tired I am except I guess I really am packing the life in and working stuff out with the guy is really tiring.  I mean working things out in a good way you know?  Who the fuck would want to be polyamorous?  I mean who the fuck has the time to work anything out with more than one person - fucking total barf.  Okay gotta gooooo walk and work out, go to a meeting and be exhausted again tomorrow.

Day off!!!

I took the day off - dear lord I needed it and I just got back from walking in the park and it was absolutely glorious.  Now I'm going to get ready and run errands.  I just could not be at that restaurant another day.  I can't waitress anymore - it's done - I'm done.  What is a positive way of saying this?  I want to grow - I want to be of service and I can't do it being angry and being a waitress makes me angry.  It also hurts me physically.  Okay - whatever.  I am having a glorious day - it's chilly but sunny - I slept 9 hours and I got to pray/mediate and eat a delicious healthy breakfast.  Now for more self-care.  Love you my sweet Bluebie.  Let's keep growing forward.

I can not poop.

What the serious fuck.  I can not poop and I am not happy about it.  I'm sure that is not helping any.  WHAT THE FUUUUCCCKK?????