I'm so bored of having low self-esteem.

I'm not kidding - I'm over it - it's boring.  I walked to that dance class tonight and it was fucking POURING rain out - I got completely soaking wet - right?  So I take the class - cancel the writing so I could get home.  The class was great - I'm out of shape and was hoping sex counted as exercise bt apparently it doesn't - because I am chubbs.  So I got home and did my hair and my nails and now I'm feeling bad for myself that - what?  I'm not skinnier - not on Saturday night live - not gay - whatever - right?  And then I was like "OH MY GOD I AM SO BORED OF THAT!!"  I really just fucking am!  I am so bored of low self-esteem.  Who does it help and who cares?  I wan to grow.  I just got sooooo fucking tired.  Good night Bluebie.

Was going to cancel this night I had planned....

I have PMS - I feel so gross - I want to go home and lay down.  But I was supposed to walk to dance class and dance and write with my friend.  Right?  So the one night I have to be creative - I wasn't going to do it.  I asked 2 people about it and of course because I now have healthier people in my life - none of them suggested I go home and lay down.  I'm not sick - I'm bloated - dig difference and I need to get some exercise.  Fine.  Jeez.  I also need to poop.  Well it will be fun to be farting during that dance class right?  Love you Bluebie bye.

Now what?

I was so upset last night by the time I got done working at the restaurant 3 days in a row.  Soooo tired - so unable to do anything else - no time for comedy I mean or anything creative.  I just needed to get home an take care of myself.  Anyway - I need another job and I need to be able to focus on my art.  Or anything else.  Ugh.  It's the same thing - I feel trapped and - scared and like what the fuck am I doing?  Nothing seems to be getting better or moving forward.  However I cleaned last night, did laundry, went to a meeting, went to sleep on time and got myself to work.  I was able to do my little nighttime routine of flossing and yoga also - which for some reason  has alluded me lately.  So I guess I just need to look for another job.  That's all right - get out and look.  Okay - alright - ugh.  Love you Bluebie.

Rejected by the lesbians.

Went to the lesbian meeting tonight - they asked if I would speak next week - I said yes.  Then I got home and called and asked if I needed to be gay to speak - they said yes.  Gay or bisexual.  I said "Oh - well I'm very open - so but um - no no I'm not gay."  She was like "No - sorry - you can come to the meeting but you really can't qualify."  I felt so fucking dumb.  Who gets rejected for NOT being gay?  And who says "Oh - I'm very open but..."  What the fuck is that??  I have been going to that meeting and not being sure whether or not I should be there - just doing what my father taught me which is - If you don't want to hear no - don't ask.  Well so there you go - now I know and I heard - no.  I feel like such a turd.  Well at least I stayed sober today.  Maybe tomorrow I can actually help someone else - that's more of the point I think.  Good night my sweet Bluebers.

Therapy is my Friday night party now.

I fucking love going to therapy - and now on Friday nights - if I don't have class - that's my party.   I have to wake up at 6:00 so I'm home and now I need to go to sleep.  I got to talk to my guy and last night we had so much fun.  So now after working a the store again today and therapy I'm done.  Good night my sweet Bluebie!

Took a bath....

I went to a meeting right after work last night and then I ran a bunch of errands.  I got home and took care of myself - ate some healthy food, flossed, took a bath, did my nails and my toes and got a solid night's sleep.  Glorious.  Talked to my guy.  I also scrubbed the tub before I got in it.- and changed my shower curtain.  So simple and so rejuvenating.  Love you Bluebie!!

Leave myself alone.

I'm realizing more and more how whenever I have any kind of negative feeling ha - or really any feeling at all or thought - anything - I stop myself and berate myself for it.  I do believe that is being hard on myself.  Actually I think it's being impossible on myself.  Holy fuck!  So now - these last couple of days - when I have anger - I say I'm having anger and there is nothing wrong with that - it's my reaction to it that matters and not acting on it.  Unless it's to get up and move or use the energy in some other positive way.  So.  So today - already - so many times I'm just stopping myself, being hard on myself for being human - for having these same negative thought patterns, Victimy thought patterns I have had my whole life.  But now - now I don't have to do that anymore.  I can be kind to myself, recognize that I am human and that people and situations can bring up negative feelings and thoughts and it's totally natural.  Am I making sense?  Oh BOY - fucking psychology 101 everyday here at  CooCoo Central.  Is it exhausting reading this because it's exhausting living it and trying to work it out!  Ha.  Love you Bluebie bye.

New days.

I feel much better - things have smoothed out with the guy after lots and lots of talking.  How wonderful it is that he likes to talk things out.  I felt better even just after I went to that meeting the other night.  Then yesterday I worked, went to a meeting, had a great acting class and then hosted a really fun show.  So I felt much better last night in general.  Now I need to be brave and say what I want to happen next in my career and put down what I want and how to grow.  I feel sad reading that last post that I was so upset - but - well - I get upset.  I got upset and I took care of myself and moved forward.  That is a beautiful thing really.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Not good.

I'm home - I worked again today at that restaurant and had a not great evening with the guy.  I mean really not great.  He was upset about some things and I was having my own issues (which I managed to not act on) and it really wasn't very fun or romantic at all.  He picked me up from work and we went to my Sunday meeting - which was okay - got some food - ugh - it just wasn't a good night and he was upset - awful.  I mean - what am I doing?  I know I always ask that but not even more - what am I doing?  Trying to have a relationship with someone who is getting over an 18 year long marriage?  Gross.  I think - I think I'm upset and turned off and I feel gross and ugly also.  I feel like I'm about to fucking lose it.  That job - this is all my same stuff that I come up against and God help me it's bad right now.  I don't know - this really might not work out - at all.  I don't know what else to say.  Except maybe I am being melodramatic?  You know it just made me realize how - how perhaps not in reality, I live.  No wonder I have trouble with my art - I don't know truth.  How can I be a great artist when I don't even know what is true?  I just want to cut and run - I really do.  This seems too hard - although nothing is happening.  He was upset and don't people get upset?  He wasn't upset with me and he was worried about it making me upset.  Okay - forget it - whatever.  I am going to practice radical acceptance about my life right now.  All of it - my lack of art - ugh - whatever.  I'm going to go to a meeting.  I guess tomorrow is a new fucking day.  Awesome.

My stomach hurts.

Worked all day long - I feel gross.  My stomach hurts - I'm so stressed out.  I took a bath and washed my shirt so I can get up at 6:00.  I'm just going to go to sleep.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Love you Bluebie bye.

My attitude.....

I'm reading a book written by another comedian.  He talks about this great opportunity he had and how basically - his attitude sucked the whole time.  I'm not sure if that's what he was trying to say but that's what I read.  So now I have this man in my life and my attitude is starting to suck about it.  I would say in general my attitude can really suck about any change in my life.  Ugh - we had such and INTENSE conversation this morning and I just feel like I have been given an extra job.  This relationship has given me an extra job and I'm mad about it.  Doesn't that sound like such a shitty attitude?  Ugh - I'm so tired.  Okay well - where's the love?  I just need to focus on the love right?  LOVE.

Saw her son......

You know awhile ago I wrote about a woman who died and I saw her son at a meeting on Saturday.  I went to the meeting with my guy - you know and we had to sit in totally different areas of the room because it was packed and I was in the back and looking at everyone and I saw this kid who I used to work with.  Or I thought it was him - I kept staring at him and then at the end of the meeting he stood up and it was him and we both started crying.  Now I'm crying again.  I mean his mother died you know?  She fucking died at 50 from this disease.  Holy shit - I mean she was sober when I met her and then she picked up again.  So now he's in the rooms and doesn't have that many days - it's really fucking scary.  I'm so jealous that my friend built a website and so I got in touch with this kid to be of service - I've said some prayers and meanwhile - I'M AT WORK TOO.  I mean I'm so upset she built a website while she was working but NOTHING is stopping me from doing it!  I'm just sitting here talking on the phone, eating, crying, texting - searching yeast infection emotional problems online.  I even went to fucking Duane Reade!!  Anyway.  Dear Lord let me untangle these pointless knots.  I need deep conditioner for my soul.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Paid my taxes and other annoying things.

I actually paid my taxes.  Last year I set up a payment plan to pay them and it took forever and was really annoying.  This year because I worked extra at the store I just paid them all in one shot.  I actually paid my taxes instead of buying shoes and a purse.  I have to wonder if I didn't have this job if I wouldn't have to pay any at all but whatever - I paid them.  Then today I was going to the restaurant before the boutique and I was going to pick up my check - right?  So I could pay other bills.  But I was running late and I didn't care - I was like "I'm going to get my check, then I'm going to get to work late and pay all my bills and that's fucking IT."  Then I thought how I have enough money to pay my bills that are due right now - I can go tomorrow and pick up my check - right?  Then - THEN - I got off the train and got to work right on time.  I actually did the right thing and HOW ANNOYING IS THAT???  Unreal.  It's raining - no one is here at the store but I did the right thing.  I have no fucking idea how I was able to do that.  I am literally in awe of the fact that I could pay my taxes, and fucking get to work on time and not do what I wanted to do instead.  It's so fucking annoying.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I can't keep up.

Such an intense weekend.  That fucking place - I worked 2 brunches and another shift today - 27 hours in 3 days.  That is fucking insane right?  I had the nicest evening with the guy on Saturday night - oh my Lord - it was so wonderful.  Then - then what?  I can't even think straight.  I have no shows this week and I don't even want to go to class tomorrow night - I'm so fucking tired.  My nails are a mess, oh boy.  I went to meetings, I took phone calls and I called my sponsor.  No shows and my friend somehow built a website.  I have owned my website name for 12 years and it has nothing on it.  It says "More Coming Soon."  I'm so fucking uncomfortable.  Really I am.  I just need to go to sleep right now.  Yeah - why don't I do that.  So my nails are gross and I never exercise - oh except my dance class.  Okay I'm going to bed I'm just getting upset at myself.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Great class.

Had class tonight - was so wonderful - working on Shakespeare.  I'm starting to understand more that Shakespeare is just about the language....which ironically is what my therapist told me tonight is what my therapy is about.  just talking it out - talking it out and making it better.  About stopping the resistances I have to being the happiest I can be.  I just need to talk my way out of it I guess.  I am so tired and I have some sort of cold or allergies.  I get to see him again tomorrow night and he is coming here again to my apartment.  It's really only half clean - I just didn't have time.  But - well - um - oh well.  Right?  Ugh - anyway - I need to go to sleep and I forgot to call my sponsor today and I thought of it a million times.  I saw my sponsor for 3 hours - does that count?  How in the world am I to get out of my own way?  This is something I have heard from numerous teachers but especially voice teachers - that I'm in my own way.  Now my therapist has alluded to it.  Alluded to it?  I have t go to sleep and wake up and waitress brunch.  Love you Bluebie bye.

So terrified.

Really like this guy.  He bought me books.  HE BOUGHT ME BOOKS.  Who DOES that????  I have no idea.  We talked today for hours - we talk every day for hours.  If he lived here I would be the biggest disaster in the world ever.  A bigger disaster??  Anyway - what's going on?  I've been going to meetings everyday - calling my sponsor again everyday and I'm doing the best I can.  I sucked at the store today.  I didn't really feel well and I basically hid behind the computer screen all day.  I need to go to sleep.  I have the day off tomorrow but of course I have a ton of things to do.  That's okay - I can sleep tonight - I came home right after the meeting and watched 2 episodes of New Girl and ate Chinese food.  It was amazing.  I'm beyond exhausted.  He gave me books.  Unreal.  SO SCARY.  Well - you know I'm grateful though.  I really like him and for that I am grateful.  HOWS THAT FOR A CHANGE IN PERSPECTIVE?  Whoa.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday is my Monday again.

Tired.  Got in trouble with my sponsor.  Sooooo - tired and embarrassed oh well I need another day off - one where I get to take a nap.  WOW _not fun.  Yeesh - she's a good sponsor though - holy shit.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Aaaand I changed my mind again.

As soon as I spoke to him today I felt differently - better.  Okay - fine.  Did I say he sent me flowers to the store last week?  Amazing.  I finally had a chance to go get them today and they are absolutely gorgeous.  Fine.  I spent the day doing laundry and cleaning, went to rehearsal and remembered last minute of a show I had to do.  ugh - it was pouring rain and I got so wet on the way there - had a totally mediocre set.  Then I walked back through the rain to get to a meeting - then walked more in the rain to host an 11 pm show for 2 people.  2 of the nicest, most amazing audience members ever.  So bizarre.  Now I'm home.  I was blown away by these 2 kids who performed on the show last - they were 18 and 22 - they really wanted to get onstage (again - 2 people in the audience) and they were really sweet and hard working.  Great attitudes.  Again - the perception - you know?  I feel like it was another rough day but I did my best.  I feel like it was kind of a set-back comedy-wise - I was having such good sets and I was so much better at -  what - schmoozing?  Please - hello - I was soaking wet and I didn't have a great set - who cares.  I was a great host for 2 people so whatever!!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Still not sure - and not sure how to deal with it.

He was having a hard morning yesterday and I was also - working that brunch and I got my period - ugh - I was just tired and it was extra crazy and busy for some reason.  Then - I don't know.  I just don't know if this is going to work out.  He has to go through this divorce and it's painful and it's really weird to be falling for someone while they are going through something.  It isn't about his ex-wife - it's other family members - but ugh - I don't know.  Also - also - I - what?  Well I had a bad day yesterday - but because of him.  I'm just kidding - I was having a hard day anyway - so - so I don't know.  Am I setting myself up?  I felt weird on Saturday - which I am going to feel weird - I have issues - but it made me think of my friend who said "If you don't feel good - if you aren't happy - it doesn't matter why - you shouldn't be with that person."  Okay - alright - but he was talking about the guy I was dating last year - the one who was 14 years younger than me.  This is slightly different - well a lot different but - I just don't know.  I have the day off today and I have a ton of stuff to do so I am up early and I am going to get to praying and meditating so I can start my day.  It feels better to write at least.  We did talk last night so that was good and I got a good night's sleep but - well - I just am not sure.  Oh sigh - life.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Beyond exhausted.

Went to see the guy Thursday night, had dinner, went to a meeting together - that was weird but good.  Then I had Friday off and I had an audition, a photo shoot and therapy and class.  He drove me to the audition and the shoot - we had more dinner.  Then I had to be up at 6 this morning for work and work was batshit fucking CRAZY - the reason why I never wanted to work brunches kind of shift.  Anyway then I went and did a show and it was SO fun and now I'm home.  Do you know it's so crazy to me that he lives close but not close enough where we can see each other constantly.  It's so amazing - and so great.  I'm not only able to work on my self and my art - I can't focus just on him - or - or I don't know - ruin it.  I just can't - I don't have time and he's not around enough.  Ha!  I TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS WHITE SNEAKERS!!  Ha - he said "What - they are nice, white, Reebox sneakers."  I SAID EXACTLY AND THEY ARE AWFUL.  I said it nicer than that - no - just funnier than that.  He's such a good egg - he laughed.  I have to sleep - I need to be up at 6:00 again.  Dear LORD - let me make it through.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Cozy plants.

I got home last night and since I had done laundry, bought plants and flowers the apartment was so cozy to come home to.  This time I bought plants that do well without light.  I can not even tell you how many plants I have killed since I have moved into that apartment.  So many!  Gross.  Anyway - clean clothes and sheets, fresh flowers and plants - some healthy groceries and what a joy to come home to!  I was so grateful to have that after a loooong day.  It' April - which means soon it will be one year since my dog died.  I'm going to have to get even busier to help get me through that.  I'm not sure how much busier I can be to be but well.  Okay so I need to work it's busy today.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Well the good thing is I'm freaking out.

I am so tired suddenly right now and I'm going to my dance class and I am wondering why in the world I would want to do that?  I am so over heated right now it's INSANE and I have no idea why.  I have pms.  That's why.  Lamest mystery solved.  Holy fuck I need to go for a walk.  I am having some green tea.  What else?  I spent hours talking to the guy yesterday - hours.  What should I call him?  Doesn't he need a name?  Did I give him one already?  Why is it suddenly SO fucking hot in here - holy fucknuts.  Okay - overall I feel better because I have gone to a meeting everyday since Sunday.  I just need to go to a meeting everyday - that's it.  Maybe I am poisoned from the guy painting in here at the store.  I have heat, paint poisoning.  I am saying how great I feel and then complaining - right - RIGHT ON.  Okay anyway - I'm so crazy for this guy and I feel like "Leave me alone - come closer - stop paying attention to me - keep looking at me!  Text me every second - go AWAY!!!"  Now at this moment he is working and I'm so annoyed - meanwhile I am exhausted, sweating because I just realized the heat was on and what?  WHAT????  I need to get some exercise and get OUT of here!!!!  Jesus.  I don't want to feel my feelings - I want HIM to feel my feelings!!  Which is ALWAYS my problem.  Thank GOD this guy doesn't live near me.  Jesus.  IM MY OWN PERSON.  What???  Love you Bluebie BYE.