Dear BLOG - let this be helping someone!

Listen - I'm about to write about myself again and I feel so selfish and I was just thinking how great it would be if someone was reading this and being helped in some way.  Please let that be true because I can't stand that I do nothing to help this Earth and humanity except recycle - and I only do it HERE in my apartment.  Well - I will keep this brief.  I got annoyed at this guy - THE guy - and so instead of reacting from an angry place - I went to therapy, told him I needed to go to bed early - which is true - and then came home and asked my friend about what was happening.  Now - I feel better and I'm home and I can get a good night's sleep.  THAT IS AMAZING.  In the past I would have twisted myself into a pretzel - that's all.  I'm keeping this brief.  I'm so tired.  How am I going to work 2 brunches in a row?  HOW?  I can do it!!!  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Amazing.

I went to a meeting last night and it was great - I felt completely different after I left.  I didn't want to go - it was cold (it's even colder today!) but I went and I'm SO grateful I did.  I met a woman who has been relapsing for years.  Anyway - then all I wanted to do was go home and eat ice cream - A LOT of ice cream.  I knew it would make me feel terrible though and I have been weaning myself off of sugar - so do you know what I did instead?  I made myself a really beautiful healthy dinner, lit candles, watched a bit of TV, meditated and went to bed - early and got a wonderful night's sleep and woke up feeling SO MUCH BETTER.  Then I came to work early so I could talk to my alanon sponsor but the buses kept going by at 79th street as out of service so do you know what I did in this 10 degree weather?  I walked through the park.  What?  Okay - it's not even THAT big of a deal but I also had to walk through the icey park because the sidewalk (HA!) was closed off due to the winter conditions so I had to walk through the ice covered regular park.  How ridiculous is that?  I was like "Oh my God - how much do I want to talk to this woman and get better that I am willing to walk through the icey park?"  Oh also - there were no cabs in case you were wondering why I wouldn't have just done that.  I was standing there with my alanon book open doing step work in the 10 degrees and I WAS SO PROUD OF MYSELF.  Okay so I just sent my scene partner a message saying I booked a room for us to rehearse in and he wrote back not THANK YOU but "Alright - till then."  WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG.  Dear GOD - let me get through this and somehow powerfully on the other side.  It's not that ridiculous of a thing to say except we have absolutely no rapport whatsoever and for the most part he has been incredible difficult, unkind and selfish.  WELL I WONDER IF I WAS EVER LIKE THAT???  Talk about a challenge - okay - yeesh.  I have to put a huge order into the system and rearrange this store.  Thank you for listening sweet blog.

Shift.

Okay - this is what happened.  I woke up tired and filled with hate - okay?  Look it happens.  Then I was late for work and then I hate my weirdo scene partner for class and I have pms.  Then the guy writes and wants to know how my day is.  Then I think "Oh dear GOD - what can I say?  Not the truth - right?"  Well anyway - I just said I was okay - which is true.  But then I was so upset thinking he is going to DISOVER me one day - how grumpy I can be - how PMS'D I can be and then and then I was upset.  Then I wrote in my journal, listened to an alanon meeting and then I was like - wait why am I so - whatever - feeling like I'm such an awful person because I get pms or even that I am an awful person because I think my scene partner is a turd when HE IS INDEED A TURD.  So whatever.  What the fuck is my point?  I'm a good person - that's my point and I am so tired and so what that I didn't want to tell this guy who I have been on 3 DATES with EXACTLY how I feel at this moment.  AND WHO CARES THAT I HAVE PMS????  IT'S AWESOME THAT I HAVE PMS.  ROAR and bye - I love you.

PMS?? Is that YOU????

What the serious fuck?  Ugh - okay - what is it - acceptance is the answer to all my problems today and my biggest problem is that I have pms.  Why won't it ever not be like this?  I'm so angry today - so HUNGRY.  All I want to do is eat and lay down.  I also - okay - whatever.  I am also sooooo tired.  I can't believe what it does to me.  Am I making myself a victim of pms?  I GUESS SO.  Well anyway - I am just going home tonight.  I'm going to go to a meeting and go home and go to bed.  That's all - no big deal.  I'm so lucky to have this job - where I can be alone and do things like write on here, make phone calls - listen to meetings.  Who cares if I have pms.  Maybe I should try to help someone else.  Okaaaaay - but then again why should I?  What?  Okay - I will - I will take action to be being different.  What?  I don't even know what I'm talking about.  I want to get in fight with someone - I think that's what would really be best.  BLECH.

I'm so uncomfortable.

So so sososososososooooo uncomfortable.  Are you feeling me? So uncomfortable.  I like this guy - I like him so much.  He's sweet and we talked on the phone before for over an hour (which I'm at work but no one was in here) and he asked me some questions and I answered honestly.  What can I do - I did.  Then he was nice and understanding and - well - look I'm just fucking flustered.  Then - just now I sent him a text and he wrote back and was SO nice - and real and I AM SOUNCOMFORTABLE.  I mean - he's still married and I just - ugh - look I have raging intimacy issues anyway - even if he wasn't married I would be uncomfortable.  I'm uncomfortable because I am getting to know him and oh dear LORD - it's so hard.  Okay - anyway.  I have to go - I have done nothing all day at this store except eat and talk on the phone.  The owner just came in and I had like 4 windows open.  Okay - whoa.  Bye.

SO MUCH FUN!!

I did a spot last night at 11:05 after a looong day of running around, working, more running around and class.  I was SO tired and it was SO MUCH FUN.  Oh my GOD - I think that is why I ever loved doing comedy.  SO much fun!!  Wow.  I wasn't even sure if the show was going to happen and I was so tired at work but I prepared anyway - and good thing because it happened.  My teacher in acting class is always saying how the only thing we have control over as actors is preparation.  Isn't that amazing - preparation.  You know - it's not really amazing - it makes total sense?  What?  I have another long day I need to go to sleep - HA - I mean work!  I just woke up!!  I need to get ready - love you Bluebie!!  Bye.

Frustration.

I have frustration with my writing - mainly because I don't do it.  I just write on here and write in my journal - oh and I write my comedy - but not often enough.  Am I being hard on myself?  I'm trying to tell on myself - well I guess I am telling on myself.  To who?  Who cares?  Oh lord - I ate white bread and sugar yesterday and I feel SO GROSS today.  Not even as much as I usually do!!  What?  This has been a riveting blog post - thank me for sharing.  Love you Bluebie bye.

He's nice, he's sober, he's married.

He's married - separated but married.  I don't like that.  Who would?  I care and I asked him about it and he told me last night that the fact I asked a lot of questions was really wonderful and he would understand if because of his current situation I couldn't do this.  OKAY.  RIGHT.  I just - what?  I'm not even confused - I'm just not sure where to go.  I mean it's actually a turn off to me that he's still married - it just makes me so uncomfortable.  I can still get to know him more right?  I really like him - he's so sweet and funny and - I really am attracted to him.  Well - I guess we shall see is all.  I am attracted to him but I am not attracted to his wife.  Ew.  See?  I don't like that and I deserve better.  Well - it's early and I am in the middle of my prayer and meditation but I got distracted.  I worked brunch again both days this weekend and what a nightmare it was!  Holy fucking eggs!  I don't even totally understand why anyone would even WANT to go to brunch to be honest with you.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Hello?

Hi - this lady has too many bags and she gave me her cup of coffee to throw away - SO gross but why?  It's not a big deal - I have a garbage.  Um - so - yeah - bye.

Okaaayaaaa - YEAH.

I'm good and batshit crazy!!!  HOOORRAAAYYY!!!  Okay - seriously - not that crazy - just fretted up.  I'm anxious and I've been weaning myself off of sugar and bread - so.  So I'm a little off - although I just ate turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and corn - so - that's not really not eating sugar.  Holy fuck nuts.  It's so nice out today so that's good - the store was busy this morning and I sold some things.  The guy called me - we are going out again tonight and that will be nice - he's nice - we have a lot of similar interests - except his wife - I'm not interested in his wife.  He's not either but EEEE OOOOOOOOO.  I think I need to go for a walk.  Do you know what I did yesterday?  NO??  I WILL TELL YOU!!!  I worked at the store, walked to Alvin Ailey and took a dance class, walked to my friend and wrote with her (really we just gossiped about ourselves), walked to a studio - had one of the worst rehearsals of my LIFE and then went home.  This kid I have been working with in class is so difficult it's unreal.  It just kicks up all my alanon stuff AND I also feel responsible because he creeps me out SO MUCH and I feel like he must pick up on it.  But you know what???  When you stare at someone's crotch while you are rehearsing and they (they meaning ME) get creeped out - IT'S GOOD to pick up on that.  I'm reading The Road Less Traveled again and he says near the beginning of the book that neurosis (maybe Jung said this and he was quoting him) is an avoidance of real pain.  So I think I just emotionally ate turkey and am being neurotic about this kid because I am so fucking uncomfortable.  I think I'm going to make some phone calls so I am not thinking about myself anymore.  IS IT POSSIBLE?  Maybe - supposedly anything is.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Ugh - and now - nothing.

Haha - at least I am laughing - how ridiculous is life?  So complicated and - WHATEVER.  So since he told me I could call him - I sent him a text Monday night and I HAVE NOT HEARD BACK FROM HIM.  Oh my God - haha again.  Maybe he didn't get it - who knows and maybe he went back to his wife - what?  Or maybe he fell down - or lost this phone.  Who knows - my friend said to focus on me so I am writing on here and still focusing on that.  I have so much to do - thank God.  So - well - that's hard right?  I want to text him and say "Did you get my text?" but I'm not going to.  I'm going to be a lady and let it go.  I deserve someone who is going to not only chase me but treat me like a Queen.  So there you go.  Um - how awkward and confusing.  Haha - I am laughing again.  Okay - well - bye.  Love your Blueberry blog face.

Dear LORD he's nice AND FUNNY.

We went out again and then we were talking outside my apartment and we were talking about crazy alcoholic behavior and he mentioned something about laying in the street when he was a kid to get a rush and then he said "But I also used to choke myself out with a towel to get high."  Only I didn't realize he was talking about when he was a kid and I misunderstood and thought he was choking himself while masturbation or something like that and I started laughing and I got really excited because I thought "Oh he's such a freak!!"  So I said to him (while laughing hysterically) "Oh my GOD - high five me - that is amazing!!!  WOW - you are a freak!!!"  Then he explained to me what he really meant and I left feeling so totally - oh my GOD - like - how do you ever take that back???  How can I ever take back that I told him to high five me because It thought when he was 16 or something like that - that he was choking himself and jerking off???  Then he called me last night -which was so sweet and at the end of our conversation he said "Yeah - so - I'm sorry to have disappointed you with the autoerotic asphyxiation thing....."  OH MY GOD - WHAT?????  Hahaha - oh he was laughing thank GOD - and well whatever - there you go.  I was myself by accident and now I can't take it back.  I'm not choking myself and jerking off in a closet either but I just thought it was great that at one TIME he might have done it.  WHAT???  So see - he's nice AND FUNNY.  I AM SO TERRIFIED.  Love you Bluebie bye.

PERCEPTION.

I went to the Laundromat - dropped my card (you can't use change there - you have to use a Laundromat card) - convinced the only other man in there - with his Grandpa - stole my card.  Found it - picked it up - kept it.  My card with 6 DOLLARS ON IT THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  So I asked the ladies who worked there - bought another card and glared at the man for 5 minutes and finally decided that it was great I could buy another card - I'm sure he didn't KNOW it was my card when he picked it up and I could FELL IN MY BONES MY CARD ON HIS BEING.  Right?  Then I decided to do what I have been doing lately and say "Kindness, Love, Compassion" over and over again - so I did - I told myself that even though I KNEW he ha my card - I didn't really know and so I stopped glaring at him and kept saying that over and over to myself and did my laundry.  As I'm folding the woman who works there (OF COURSE) walks over to me and says "Did you find your card?"  I say no - she hands me my card - which I left in one of the machines - in the slot.  OKAY???  But then I say to myself - "This can't be my card - THAT guy has my card - I can FEEL it."  So even though it looks like my card and feels like it (really) I went and checked the money on it - well also - what if it WAS someone else's card?  But no - it had 6 dollars on it and it was my card and WHAT A DICK AM I???  Do you know I almost ASKED the guy if he by any chance FOUND a card???  I'm such an a-hole.  I mean not really - it makes me sad that my first notion is that someone would do that - I mean my experience is most people DON'T do that.  They turn cards in - they give back phones - they are kind.  Oh my dear Lord - Happy Valentines Day - at least it's not snowing!!!  Also - it is a blessing to be sober.  Talk about a long, slow recovery.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE!!!!!

Worst drinking dream ever.

Holy fuck I dreamed last night the longest and worst drinking dream.  It went on for so long and was so - detailed that I woke up thinking I had drank.  It was in a beach area - like a resort and my family was there - only I forgot they were there and  I started to be sneaky and order drinks at bars they weren't at with me.  Oh but the first beer I had - I forgot I couldn't drink - ugh who cares - I'm not going to go on about it - it just sucked.  The weird part was twice I lost my drinks.  I ordered them - hid them - and then I couldn't find them.  Near the end of the dream someone called me into "the front" and said they needed to talk to me about a drink in there - that I left in there.  It was a glass of chardonnay that I bought at a bar and hid but couldn't find.  Seriously - what the fuck - it's always white wine in those dreams and I hardy ever drank that.  I spent too much time alone yesterday I think - I never went to a meeting, and I didn't go to work or leave the house.  I cleaned - everything - floors, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, changed the sheets.  I even did my hair, nails and toes.  I prayed and meditated and I even prayed and meditated before I went to bed.  Isolation is no bueno.  Okay - I also decided to stop eating sugar so I didn't eat any yesterday - except a tiny bit on a piece of cinnamon, sugar toast.  So is that it???  Oh my GOD - what???  Yeah - I had a horrible drinking dream because I didn't eat a candy bar yesterday.  CHRIST!!  I need to pray & meditate right now and figure out how the fuck to drag my laundry through this snow.  Love you Bluebie - bye.

Hi.

I am up to go to work but now I am waiting to hear from her because she might not want to open the store - it's already totally awful outside.  So I'm making a second cup of coffee and - well - writing on here.  The man called me last night to go out again this weekend - so that is fun.  I was asking my friend what she thought about him - I have called her Lady Paeon - I think???  Lord I can't remember - anyway - she is like a lovely bird so - but so she said DON'T OVERTHINK IT!!!  Which is exactly what I was doing at that moment and last night - no this morning - I realized because it's so uncomfortable to sit in not knowing someone and getting to know them and letting myself be uncomfortable and unsure.  Isn't that uncomfortable and vulnerable?  Holy shit - so scary.  So - yeah - I got nothing done last night - I did the dishes and I had a bunch of tea and took my vitamins and flossed.  Ha!!!  Oh my God - if you even told me I that I would have been SO delighted that those activities were things I did - out of pleasure and love for myself, 10 years ago I would have  -I don't know - part of me would have been happy probably but I never would have believed I could do it.  Aw - that's so sad!  Holy fuck I need to help someone - get out of my fucking head.  I went to that meeting last night and met a newcomer and got her number.  I felt like I was having an out of body experience when I was talking to her because I couldn't believe I was reaching out to someone to help someone or that I even stayed for the whole meeting.  It was a little unnerving of a meeting - there was a man talking to himself (who of course I thought was so hot until I noticed his animated self convo) and a woman sitting next to me kept drinking coffee and swallowing SO loudly that I could not help but turn and stare at her over and over again.  How can someone swallow THAT loudly??  It was so fucking weird.  Then this crotch oriented man was there - I've seen him before - he sits with his legs wiiiiide open but with his back really straight and the whole time he talks he has his hands on his crotch but on the chair - so it's really confusing and - crotch oriented.  Anyway I left there feeling SO MUCH BETTER!!!  Okay I have to go - I have so much to do today if I'm not going to work.  Looooove you Bluebie bye.

Aaaaand I love my teacher again.

He was so upset last night about this woman dying - as he should be - it's his student but it just made me love him even more.  Okay - but the conclusion I came to today was that I just have a crush on him.  He's fun to look at (when he's not wearing turtle necks) and he's a good man - so I have a crush on him.  UGH!  Anyway another fucking STORM IS COMING!!  What the fuck?  I'm going to a meeting right after work and then I'm going right home.  I need to clean and do my hair and my nails - I need some serious self-care time.  Today was the craziest day here at the store but I made it through - no total craziness.  Um - so that's it.  Staying sober today and doing the best I can.  I have a new sponsee - a dude - so that's good - more people to help although I can't tell if I am indeed helping him.  He's gay.  The kind of gay that is only gay so that's good - noooo sexual tension between us - that's for sure!!  He is so sweet though.  They say in the program "if you aren't moving away from a drink then you are moving towards one" so I just need to keep growing away from a drink.  Why did me writing that make me want to drink, smoke pot or eat 50 cupcakes??  Jesus.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Whoa.

So the show was great last night - I got home late but it was good - I had fun - the comics were good and I got to work on time today but I am so tired.  Okay - so when I go to the club - right before I'm about to go onstage this girl from class calls me and tells me this woman dies from class.  She just got strep-throat and died.  What the fuck?  She's the lady I had that little bit of trouble with and we were fine but - whatever - that doesn't even matter - she was only 55 - I still don't know where to file it at all.  Ugh - her poor family.  Why does that happen?  She loved her family - her husband loved her - and now she's gone.  Anyway - fuck - live while we can - I just don't get it.  I need a tea - I'm so tired.  I'm a the store - and - well - yeah - I need my tax information so I can do my taxes and this is going to be FOREVER trying to get this from her.  I'm so terrified about how much I am going to have to pay this year.  Okay - I'm going to get some tea - and a brownie.  Why won't winter stop already?  Fuck.  Bye.

WHAT AM I DOING???

I am hosting a show tonight at 11:00 p.m. and that is great but I worked for 9 hours today and WHY???  What am I doing?????  I can't keep working like this!!!  Oh my GOD - I'm so fucking over-stimulated and hello??  Hellooooo - and tired.  Oh boy - OH BOY!!  Okay - whatever - I'm home now - and I just need to get myself together and get ready and go host the show.  It won't be like this forever - RIGHHT?????  Holy fuck-nuts.  Holy mother-fucking fuck-nuts.  Love you Bluebie bye.

So tired.

The date was so nice - now my friend told me he's supposed to wait 3-5 days to call me and I'm supposed to allow him to court me.  So in other words I'm supposed to be a lady.  So - well - if that's not one of the largest challenge of my life I don't know what is.  Do you know I have never done that really?  So - I managed to not desperately try to kiss him by a hair and I stopped myself from texting him right away.  So - so far so good.  I am beyond exhausted - I woke up at 4:45 a.m. yesterday and worked for 10 hours.  I went to bed at 10:30 last night but I'm still so tired and I have to be to work in an hour.  So I'm sitting here writing this - that's good.  Oh boy.  Okay I made coffee and now I'm going to drink it - with all the love I have in me!!!  Bye Bluebers.

More sadness.

My acting teacher asked me stay after class tonight and I thought he was going to tell me he wants me to work now with his teacher.  But no - instead he told me that a guy we both used to work with a the same comedy club - drank 2 bottles of bleach.  He's an alcoholic and he has been for yeaaaars this guy.  Oh he used to just get so wasted every night and say the meanest shit to people - right to their face but behind their back - unreal.  Un- FUCKING real this guy but also - what a talent.  Okay so of course I lost it - I guess he's at the hospital right now - which relieved me until I realized - how the fuck can one live after drinking one bottle of bleach?  Half a bottle of bleach??  A fucking cup of bleach?  I hope it's a lie - or a partial lie or I don't know.  I guess he broke his foot and has been home - probably just drinking just drinking alone - not working for weeks now.  I'm so upset - I'm so broken hearted for this guy - I was so where he was and years ago I knew he had a problem.  I mean - I did too.  I did - I do.  I am exhausted - I worked today - I got my period, went to therapy, went to class - cried with my teacher.  He didn't cry - I cried - that man has seen me cry - I will tell you that.  Good thing I wasn't thinking he was going to confess his undying love to me.  I have a date tomorrow night - a blind date.  Someone from the program hooked us up.  I guess we will see how this goes.  We are going to have dinner.  Well - um - I don't know - I mean - whatever - right?  I need to go to sleep.  You are my sweetest blog.  Love you Bluebie bye.

PMS.

Hate.

Proud of myself.

I am really struggling with getting my power back - it just simply has never fully happened.  No matter how many articles and books I read - I still feel like shit about myself a lot and I still say yes when I mean no and blah, blah blah.  Well I saw that older creepy man on the subway tonight on my way home - the one that stroked my back in the meeting and then made those monkey sounds at me in the supermarket.  Well I saw him and I was already sitting down when I saw him so I sat.  I sat and I was reading anyway so that was fine.  Then I panicked and thought "Oh no - we get off at the same stop - oh no - I don't want to talk to him - oh no!!"  Then I realized - I don't have to - at all - I can say hi and walk away.  I owe this man nothing and more than THAT - he creeped me out not once - but twice and the second time counts as a double because he made monkey sounds at me.  Anyway - so that was what I did - he said hi all creepy and I said hi - politely and I walked away.  Yeah.  Great - one small victory.  I just made myself dinner - chicken stew and I sautéed some green beans in garlic.  Simple and delicious.  I made the chicken stew on Sunday night in the crock pot.  I've said it before and I will say it again - I get so much joy out of cooking.  I loved coming home and cutting up vegetables and putting it all together.  I have to be honest - cutting up that chicken almost did me in - for real it's so fucking gross.  How in the fuck do people do it?  So gross - SO GROSS.  I did it though and guess what?  I will never do it again!  Maybe I will - who knows.  I tried to get the guy behind the meat counter to cut it up for me but he wouldn't.  Jerk - haha - he was so confused why I didn't want to cut it up myself - okay anyway the stew came out great - a chicken, sweet potato stew.  I have to do the dishes before I lose my gumption for it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Philip Seymour Hoffman.

I had a dream on Friday night - it completely freaked me out.  It woke me up it was so disturbing.  I dreamed I met a blonde man who seemed nice - normal - liked me - but something unnerved me as he left.  Then I dreamed he went underwater and stuck his head in a well (underwater) and then he stuck his arm in the well, grabbed his chin and pulled his chin backwards towards his back and pulled his body inside out away from himself.  His teeth were somehow bizarrely involved and his body grew bigger and disappeared as it went backwards and inside out into a giant black spiral.  It looked very sci-fi in the dream and it disturbed me so much I woke up.  I can't quite describe the cold, empty, frightening, wrong feeling it left me with.  Or I mean I guess I can - it was awful.  Then he died and I remembered the dream and I just got more freaked out.  That he had so much sobriety - so much life - and that the disease got him again - it's was so heart-breaking to me and terrifying.  It just made me realize even more that if I am not moving away from a drink - I am moving towards one and I can't afford to move towards one - I'm already too crazy.  I hope he didn't die like in that dream - I hope he just floated away - I hope the pain wasn't there when he died.  I don't want to die like that.  I want to die knowing that the ripples of energy that have come out of me at least were kind.  So today I will do the best I can, love the best I can and be compassionate toward myself.  That might sound selfish and Lord knows I am but the Tao says one of our 3 treasures is compassion - "being compassionate towards ourselves - we reconcile all beings in the world."  So till my next rage filled rant - love you Bluebie.