Day got better....

Although it did get bad after I got there - the computer opened the wrong operating system and I rang something wrong in and the owner was upset - blah, blah - sort of.  I called support - they fixed it but fucked something else up and I finally spoke to this woman - who oddly enough had that same Brooklyn accent and after I told her what happened she said "Oh - you've had a great morning so far!"  Which made me laugh.  Then the owner came in and was there for AWHILE - which was so great - I felt way more taken care of and like the store was more taken care of.  This is so boring.  Anyway - the day totally turned around.  At the very end of the day - after my big meeting I went to Duane Reade and I realized on the train that they didn't give me a receipt and I seemed overcharged so I called when I got home.  The manager explained all the prices and besides asking me if the guy who helped me had "piercing green eyes"  - which I said - I honestly don't know I was looking at his dick - just kidding.  I mean I really didn't know but after he told me all about the prices and why they were different prices than other Duane Reades he was like "Oh boy - I have to go - a whole section of our store has just been robbed and cleaned out - sorry - let me go."  Okaaay - um - what?  He was like "It happens!"  I felt like an accomplice.  I have to go to sleep.  I am in clean pj's, clean sheets, flossed and brushed, gave myself a bath and had beans on toast without the toast.  Beans on a plate with eggs.  I even did the mother fucking dishes.  I'm like a - what?  What kind of warrior is it?  Small chores warrior - that's not funny.  Boring Warrior?  That made me laugh.  I in bed and how fantastic is that though?  It's so great!  I mean - you know - I have to sleep.  Good night Blueberry - I love you.

Oh boy.

Great start to the day - couldn't get out of bed and bad dreams all night.  I'm not exhausted - I just could not deal with getting out of bed.  Anyway - I finally did and I got to work but just now as I was crossing the street right near the subway - this woman in front of me seemed as though she was walking into the subway - mainly because she was turning and walking down into the subway - so I looked to the left to see if I could cross and suddenly we ran into each other - hard.  So she said sorry but I was so taken aback and looked at her crazy and she was like (okay first of all I have to say she had that 80' hair-do that's all fluffy and bangy but not because it's cool but because she has had that same hair-do since the 80's) "Okay - relax - you ran into me - caaalm down!"  Right?  So I was like - "Oh boy - get away from this beefy bitch - right?  She had that Brooklyn accent and I was JUST on time for work and didn't have time for a fight so I was like - all sing-songy "Okaaaay byeeeeee" and I ran across the street while she said "Fucking crazy people!"  Then I kept running and looking back all passive aggressively while she glared at me and when I finally got into the store I looked in the mirror and with my wet, greasy looking hair and not make-up and psycho look an my face I was like - "Holy shit - I look INSANE."  Fucking nuts.  So I think I am doing great at detaching with love and - what else?  Ugh - I'm so sad.  Painful.  Haha - not about that lady but - well - okay - I have to go - bye Bluebers.

Well....so.....

I'm sad.  What a weird break up this is.  Here's what is good - I'm taking care of myself as best I can.  That was exhausting to write.  I realized today I am an excessive caretaker - I really am.  That's why I say yes all the time when I want to say no - why I work for that girl all the time even though I don't want to - AT ALL and it fills me with rage.  That was exhausting to write also.  I'm so alanonic and I'm such an alcoholic too.  I went to this show last night - before I got home and ate the Popsicle - which was delicious by the way - I absolutely adore grape Popsicles - with or without someone.  Okay so I went to this show - a musical about May West - who apparently was QUITE the lady and QUITE the business person - I loved it.  It's in its early stages but it was really great - very inspiring.  As I walked towards the theater I saw a woman I know and she said "Oh good - now I have someone to sit with!"  Which I was not expecting and - well - I don't know her that well and - she's little pully energy wise.  Or a lot - she's a lot pully energy wise.  Okay - so I detached with love - juuuuust detached.  Then at the end I said "Okay - I'm going to run now - bye!"  I was very polite - plus I was farting through the whole thing so - well - that's what you get for forcing yourself to sit with someone.  Whenever I drink those green drinks - holy farting.  Anyway - what is my point?  I went to therapy today and bought myself some make-up - made myself dinner - that was so nice.  I did laundry today and I did the dishes and hand washed what needed to be hand washed.  I did think how I am so sad about this guy - well I'm not SO sad - I mean - I'm so sad but I'm not a complete disaster - however - well it sucks and it's painful and it feels like he doesn't care.  You know I don't even know if that's true.  I just know I'm sad and it's easier thinking of him as a turd.  You know Mae West said in that show to who - who was it?  The German old timey actress - oh Marlene Dietrich - Mae tells her to fall in love with herself again.  What am I doing?  It's 2:10 a.m. I need to sleep - I have to work tomorrow.  I've got some new goals.  Give up - stop helping other people's feelings so much, do the best I can while not really trying TOO hard, be REALLY nice to myself, be kind to others and fall in love with myself again.  BOOM.  Oh - and I am almost to the part of the book of doing the 21 vegan day diet.  I ate vegan tonight - all day really - except for the yogurt, feta and cool whip.  It's better - I guess I ate vegetarian really.  No meat!  What - ever - I love your Bluebie not face.

Grape Popsicle.

Here's a picture of me secretly eating a grape popsicle.  By secret I mean alone in my apartment because my boyfriend left me and moved in with his mother.  That made me laugh even though it's true - except I BROKE UP WITH HIM FIRST.  Fucking JERK.  Bye - Happy Sunday!!

Detach with love.

That's what my sponsor said to do and I did it today and it helped so much.  Lately when I am upset at that job I send them love but to detach with love - WOW - holy fuck.  Turning it over and detaching with love - so grand.  I'm so exhausted - it's almost 4:00 a.m.  I worked all the shows and made completely mediocre money - however - I made money - so - so I can eat and pay my rent this month.  I have to go to sleep.  I feel so much better - I just want to do more of the exercise, and meditation tomorrow.  I was farting at work all night long from the green drink I drank today - you're WELCOME.  Do you know what my sponsor said that I found so profound today also?  That just because I have bad feeling towards someone else doesn't mean I'm bad.  Or because I pick up on someone's bad energy and I have trouble shaking it off - doesn't mean I'm bad or EVEN - even if I just don't like someone - doesn't mean I'm bad.  Whatever - I'm so tired bye.

Well.......

I went to the Farmer's Market and bought 2 pretty flowered plants for 8 dollars and I went for a job/walk in the park.  The was no hot water AGAIN and I FLIPPED out because I was already freaking out from being dirty - my hair was SO gross.  He fixed it though and I took an amazing shower and washed my hair 3 times.  How did I use to do it?  How did I go DAYS without a shower?  No wonder I used to get so angry.  And the store - how did I sell anything - I look so gross when I don't shower - my hair - I have so much hair it's like a giant sponge on my head - it just ABSORBS the dirt of the city.  Anyway - I dry body brushed too and I do feel better.  The windows are open and it's so sunny and warm today.  I was able to meditate for 35 minutes.  Maybe after this woman calls me back I can do it again.  How did people not bathe in the old days?  They didn't get as dirty - I mean the air was fresher - right?  Um - what?  Sounds good to me.  I'm sad -  I miss the guy.  I miss him but if he were here we would have slept till noon or later - I wouldn't have ate well at all either - I would be making pancakes and sausage right now.......REALLY???  I'm blaming him for my inability to have boundaries around people.  I feel like how I felt when I was 10.  Just gross and sad.  What?  I'm not kidding - just lost and alone.  OMG - really?  I don't know - that's what it seems like at this moment - okay I just laughed a little so that's good.  It's just a rough time but at least I feel better and I feel better because I took care of myself so good.  Okay - I love you Bluebie - Happy Saturday.

Okay.

I got sleep - woke up and wrote in my journal and did some "step work" right off.  I feel better - not great but better.  I have the day off now so I can exercise more, clean and get myself together before work tonight.  Hopefully after a few days of exercise I will feel much - much better.  I had terrible dreams again last night - just cutting off heads and hiding them - that's all - no biggie - fun times.  Even when I drank and smoked pot - I never stopped dreaming - it's amazing I get any rest.  What?  What do I expect?  All I watch are murder shows and Zombie shit - hello.  Okay - I have to be really nice to myself right now - REALLY nice.  I pay my bills - HELLO - I never used to be able to do that.  I mean - I really do - I pay my bills.  My friend said I don't have any responsibilities but I do.  I have a responsibility to stay sober and get more sober and pay my bills and take care of my old dog - right?  I don't know - this is just a hard time that's all.  It's just all in my mind - I think I need to meditate for an hour.  Okay - why don't I do that and see what happens?  I will write back.  I'm going to change my perception or clean it anyway and see what happens.  Okay bye for now.

Fucking miserable.

I'm fucking miserable.  I couldn't take a shower before work - they shut the hot water off - no note - nothing - okay - so I had jogged in the park and worked a double yesterday - I REALLY needed to wash my hair.  OKAY - so - so I'm so PMS - so miserable.  I walked to work to try to get out more anger.  Work was slow but I was busy - and I left feeling so gross.  I just have to believe in my mind that things can be different - that's it - that's all there is to it.  You know I feel so toxic and I'm falling apart.  My night routine - all of it.  There are weird things growing out of the ceiling in my bathroom and the super did NOTHING this week - nothing.  I gave them my keys and for what?  I'm going to take pictures.  I'm going to call the management company myself - that's what I am going to do.  All they do is smoke cigarettes all fucking day.  I'm going to have to complain - I just am - my apartment reeks.  Reeks?  I have to go to sleep - I'm so miserable and I feel so victimized by life right now and I am really upset.  I got no relief from the meeting I went to today - none.  I just - I am not doing okay all of a sudden - I'm just not.  I'm just going to go to sleep - tomorrow is a new day.  It's supposed to be nice out - maybe that will help.  Bye Bluebers.

Oh ugh.

I feel so gross.  I mean physically - is it because I have taken Melatonin the 3 nights and maybe I didn't or shouldn't have?  Is it the burgers I have eaten almost every single day?  Is it the bacon - a lot of bacon and Swiss - a lot of Swiss and cheddar - a lot of cheddar grilled cheese with a side of buffalo chips dipped in ketchup with a side of mint chocolate chip ice cream I had for dinner?  IS THAT IT?  WHY WOULD THAT MAKE ME FEEL BAD??  I have RAGING PMS - raging.  Oh - I just remembered I brought myself Advil - hold please.  Okay - I took the Advil.  I'm upset and sad but I'm mostly PMS - that's the truth.  I think I should just relax and read my book - that's what I'm going to do - it's so quiet here at the store and I have nothing to give - nothing.  Whatever.  What?  I'm bitter right now - so bitter.  I have a lot to be grateful for and I - okay - I'm just going to stop at that.  I'm not going to drink today and I'm going to read.  Bye Bluebers - love you.

Moving day and new goals.

Moving day for him not me - I resigned my lease and now - NOW I'm gonna get TO IT.  First of all - let's see - he is moving today.  He came here to work yesterday and then went with me to the bank and walked me to my big meeting.  All of this of course was a blast.  How insane is that?  Ugh - I have so back peddled as far as breaking up with him.  Banana Rama was playing while he was here and I was telling him about their video and that stupid dance they do in the video so I did it for him and he was like "Um - is it weird that I just got a half-erection from that?"  HILARIOUS.  If you have ever seen that video for "Cruel Summer" and that completely not sexy dance that they do - it's sigh - so funny.  Now since I wrote that I feel like it's going to be a cruel summer for me.  WE LAUGH SO MUCH WHAT THE FUCK - fuck - fucking fuck.  There is just no way I can date someone else - or - I have no idea.  I like the fucking douche bag.  Whatever - but here's the thing - oh boy - creepy post office worker - creeeeep - he has a limp and smiles like he is so kind and he makes my shoulder blade feel funny - ew.  Okay - fuck - I'm all fucked up today.  This is the thing - I am going to super focus on my career, (hobby lol?), my health, my getting a new job and what else?  I need to change my diet - I'm doing this 21 day diet.  He said he would give me a present if I get on stage and do comedy again.  He is manipulating me to do something good for myself.  Fucking jerk.  My program - I'm going to focus on my program.  I have work to do here right now - put these earrings into the computer - VERY SERIOUS.  I'm so uncomfortable.  What do I want?  I mean - what is going on?  It's like he's my boyfriend again and that doesn't seem fair to me.  I mean - I don't know - right?  This is so profound - I'm exhausted.  It's so nice outside today thank GOD.  What?  Bye Bluebie - I love you. 

Poem.

I have on a cute dress from Banana Republic and it was $16.27
I hate that I said that
It's overcast today
I hate that too
It's fucking winter still even though it's Spring
Yes - yes - I hate that too
I hate being sad and listening to Pink
I hate these feelings and I hate - hating.
Well - that's all I have today
My perspective on hating.
Bye.

Total fail.

I completely had sex with him.  How did that happen?  I was running late and had him come over to meet me here - can you even imagine it never even OCCURRED to me that he would try to have sex with me?  I'm not even fucking kidding.  I got all ready - we even walked the fucking dog and I primped some more and as I was putting on my coat he grabbed me - and that was that.  I did resist for like 14 seconds.  I even let MORE fucking hair grow in - on my legs too - thinking that would stop me if somehow he came over later tonight.  Right?  What?  Are you following me?  I even SAID - no I can't fool around - I didn't shave anything and he said he was willing to take the risk.  After we had sex he looked at my legs and was like "Oh - wow - you really didn't shave."  THEN when we were outside I said "What level of hairiness does it take for someone to actually resist fooling around and he said "another week."  Ha!  Fucking jerk.  We got ice cream cones, got burgers, went to the movies.  Um - I can tell you this much - that movie The Lords of Salem is fucking HORRIBLE.  I fucking did not like it - ew.  Neither did he.  Ew again.  Ew some more- ew.  I said it was a good thing we had sex before that movie because there was really no way that was happening afterwards - it's so creepy and awful.  And just - seriously?  I'm not going on.  I don't know - oh boy.  Well - um - okay - well - I think he still wants to see me more - I thought this was one last date but now - I just - I can't handle it.  Really?  I just LIKE him - we have fun - so what.  I'm fun.  I have to go to sleep - I have to work in the morning.  Love you Buebie.

Hi.

Sunday - just woke up - so exhausted but got 8 hours of sleep.  I did the 3 doubles in a row and I did NOT freak out - miracle.  I just had the weirdest fucking dreams - I keep having weird, anxious dreams and every time my sobriety feels threatened.  Last night - and these dreams are epically long for fuck's sake - they go on and oooon.  Okay - I was telling someone about my 2 marriages that happened while in a black out and simultaneously trying to work out the second one while keeping this couple from killing me and stealing my kids.  Um - what?  While also trying to keep one of my marriages together.  OKAY - that's a lot.  The girl had that blond hair with bangs look and I don't know about the guy - dark maybe?  We were all standing in the bathtub (?)  and I was explaining - crying - yelling to them that they can't take my kids because I am sober 3 1/2 years - that's the only part of this dream that was real - I said how long I am actually sober - how fucking bizarre is that?  Then they started yelling at me that "You are never safe - you are never really sober!!!  You can't drink!!  What happens if you drink - you are a drunk - you aren't safe!!!"  All this while standing in a bathtub.  How mean is my subconscious right now?  Holy shit.  I was so upset and woke up with a headache.  I just can never drink again - I just simply never can - it was a horrible, awful life - such a waste of my life force - seriously.  I managed to not sleep with the guy again last night but I am going to the movies with him today.  He has to work and I need a meeting so unless I completely lose control and fuck him in the movie that's fine.  He came to see me at work yesterday and brought me a tea & told me I was pretty and funny 35 times.  However - I took care of myself and went home last night - came home.  Um - well - I literally just woke up - I need to pray & meditate, walk the dog and drink some coffee.  Love you Blueberry - you are always here for me - so wonderful.

It's Saturday - I'm here at the store and I am not angry.  There's a lot of crazy shit happening in the world - earthquake in China, plant blew up in Texas, the crazy bombers in Boston - so fucking intense.  I managed to get myself showered and here today and I'm not sure - I can never be sure but I am pretty sure - I am never doing this to myself again.  Am I going to be writing this next Saturday?  I mean - this is my attitude this weekend and it has helped me to not be angry - or rather - filled with rage.  I agreed to work these doubles and so I am making the best of it.  However - it is next to impossible for me to actually - function well working like this.  Do you know I thought I kept hitting the snooze button for 45 minutes today and it was for an hour and 45 minutes.  I still don't understand where that hour went - I mean I completely have no idea.  Okay - so this just doesn't work for me.  That being said - 2 years ago I would have never even been able to get showered and get here - I mean I take showers - on a regular basis - amazing.  My clothes are clean - amazing.  I'm not crying and throwing shit - amazing.  Let's face it - that is still possible though - quite.  I have on make-up - amazing.  I pay my bills - mostly - I mean I do but my rent is always late.  I'm always late here too.  Yesterday I was REALLY late and I was just going to blow it off but then I told her and I stayed late.  I mean come on.  I also went outside last night when I was angry at the club - I went outside and calmed down - what??  I FUCKING WENT OUTSIDE AND CALMED DOWN!  My sister told me months ago that she noticed my oldest niece and nephew do that - they go away and calm down.  HOW MIND BLOWING IS THAT?  Unbelievable.  Where's my bagel?  I hope this day isn't super fucking boring.  I've been working here almost 2 years.  She called me 2 years ago when I was at parents when my Grandma died.  I had bought something to wear at the funeral and then I wore it to the interview and I wore it here almost everyday for a year - I had no clothes.  He is moving this week on Wednesday.  We ate burgers together at work last night and I let him grab my butt.  Ugh - but well - did I already say this part?  One good thing about working these doubles is I can't sleep with him - there is literally no time.  So that is good.  Oh boy - I'm tired.  Okay - well it doesn't look like it is going to be busy at all so I am going to write in my journal and look for another job.  The club is so slow - so bad - it's just - crazy.  Everyone is getting called off again all the time - the first show - oh really?  I don't want to do this - I want to focus on action.  I am going to look for another job and be open minded about what that might be.  Yes.  Okay - so - there you go.  OMG - where - oh it's here - my bagel is here.  Seriously?  I feel very blessed at this moment that I have a job and a bagel and a program and a family and another job and I'm slowly, slowly growing and making less ripples of pain and more ripples of healing.  What is coming out from me now is much more hopeful.  I'm still a mess but there is a shift happening.  Great - breakdown is - NO - NO IT ISN'T.  I don't have to have a breakdown because I recognize I have CHOICES now.  Thank you to my sponsor - I have choices and right now I'm going to eat my bagel.  Bye Bluebie - love you - SO MUCH!!

Sooooo.....

I think the first thing I ate the day after that last post was ham.  I have been reading this book my sister gave me "The crazy Sexy Diet" and I am preparing to do the 21 day diet starter plan - it's vegan and mostly raw - I think - yeah it is - and do you know how I am preparing?  By eating the grossest shit I can.  I ate 2 chicken sandwiches and a cheese burger and fries from McDonald's the other night.  I would have had a coke but it was gross so I threw it out.  Yesterday I had Chinese and when I got home last night - do I really need to go on?  Lord - okay - I have worked everyday for WEEKS.  One week?  I'm so tired and I have had days off but they have been so busy so it doesn't feel like a day off.  Wow- it feels so good to write.  I have been fighting a cold for days and I feel so nauseous.  No preggers though because no sex.  That and I'm 41 - hello.  I went on an audition last night and it was fun and good.  He told me some helpful things and I was WAY more myself - which is easier on him and me - lord.  I can't believe how sick I feel - so unpleasant.  I mean I am eating so horrible - what do I expect?  Well - sigh - I still miss the guy - he asked me to go to the movies today but I'm working.  He also asked me for a date on Sunday and I said yes but I have to really think about that.  I think I was just happy that he asked but do I really want to do that to myself?  I don't think so.  I'm so unfocused - so sort of falling apart.  Am I?  No - but I keep having bad dreams and I don't feel well.  I think going out with him might be a very bad idea.  Yeah - wow.  Okay.  I am going to write in my journal.  I'm so confused about money.  These weeks of my schedule being all changed is so fucking confusing - I don't know what I'm doing.  The other girl who works here asked me to switch something again next week but I said no.  I took care of myself and said no.  I can't do anything but one double next week or I will lose my fucking mind.  Jesus - this is so fucking hard - I really don't know who I am or what I am doing - so fucking weird.  I want to dance so badly - I need to get back to the dance.  DANCE.  Yes.  Okay - bye.  Love your Blueberry Face.

Just became a vegetarian again.

Got home - the mouse in the trap was only half in it - its back legs and I had no fucking idea what to do - I HAD to put it out of its misery - holy fuck.  I put it in plastic bags and smashed it over the head with a hammer.  I'm not even kidding you.  It took me 10 minutes and like 20 tries - it was fucking horrible.  Part of me was worried I was going to like it - like those freaks on The Walking Dead.  Um - I am 41 fucking years old - I think I would know by now if not only I WANTED to murder but that I like it.  Seriously - I was freaked out that I would get a taste for murder by putting this poor adorable mouse out of its misery and start killing people?  Um - are you fucking kidding me?  It's not like I TRAPPED the mouse and tortured it - okay - I'm so fucking grossed out, sad and that was gross.  I can never eat fucking meat again and I never would if I had to kill it - I never would!!  WHY DO MICE HAVE TO BE SO CUTE?????  Oh my GOD - what the fuck I'm a mouse killer.  I almost set if free and then I just imagined 50 mice shitting all over my apartment and then I smashed it over the head.  Fucking horrible.  I feel terrible.  SO cute - it was SO CUTE.  I said sorry like 50 times - like that helps.  Okay - so wow - who the fuck am I now?  A fucking serial mouse killer.  I am a fucking serial mouse killer.  Maybe now I will get the balls to figure out how to seal this place up once they are all gone - I'm not doing this shit again - no fucking way.  Jeez.  Bye.  I'm sorry.

Just because I floss and pray doesn't mean Iook good.

It's true!  I look mediocre and I have lost weight and my clothes - most of them - don't fit right.  A girl just came in here that's a rep for one of the lines and she looked adorable - I mean she also looked freezing but she looked really cute and totally put together.  So - okay - I am going to work on that - the owner came in and she was LESS than impressed with me - for real.  Lord.  I mean I look okay but not - fabulous or even really cute.  I actually look like lesbian and one that isn't particularly trying.  It's not a good look for me.  OKAY - and then - THEN I joined linkedin and they show you all these contacts from your email and I haven't looked at any of these email contacts in YEARS and one of them is this man who I won this dating contest with - where we did speed dating onstage and I did comedy first and we won tickets to whatever the name of the hockey team is at Madison Square Garden and I didn't go on the date with him because I WAS DATING A POTHEAD WHO WASN'T EVEN ABLE TO CALL ME HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!  He called me his "Lady friend."  UM - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???  Alright - okay - wow - okay - out of my mind - I - I don't know.  I do know - I am getting another job and I am working on my look and I am going to pray right now for those poor people who died at the marathon - fucking horrible.  I'm out of my mind - I am attracted to younger men who are fucking unavailable and DISASTERS.  Holy shit - okay - no offense.  What?  That guy was 8 years younger and this one - 14!!!  Although - good guy - good guy.  WHAT????  Argghhhh - I think I'm getting a cold.  My ear hurts and I have the sniffles - gross.  Bye.  It's okay - it's really okay.  What?  Bye Bluebs - love you.

Choices, self-care and love.....

HA!  I had to grin as I wrote that title - it sounds SOOOooooo gaayyy.  However - I mean it.  Today I have choices - I take time to take care of myself and I am focused on love.  Which isn't fucking easy since I wake up - and often go to sleep - with a lot of hate.  That being said I am also having so much trouble thinking about sex all the time.  What?  I started to write on here and then I got distracted by a text - having nothing to do with sex - however I lost focus.  On my way here to work I could not stop thinking about sex and sex with that guy - it was driving me crazy.  I was thinking I might have to give in - you know but then 2 things happened - the first being that I thought to myself "I want a fucking boyfriend - a great guy to have fun with - have mind blowing sex and to grow and love with."  Right - well that still didn't do it to be honest, but then I just thought (okay so I guess 3 things happened) "Okay - I have therapy tonight - just wait till you go to therapy and talk to her about it - white knuckle through not contacting him."  THEN - then that sort of did it but what really did it was I listened to this (more gayness - sorry - I should just be grateful but it feels a little gay - not homo - just gay) Alanon phone meeting and a woman was sharing how she had choices today and I realized that I have a CHOICE.  I do not have to have sex with him or try to make that happen and it's just a distraction anyway and the quicker I get past this and him the sooner I will have room in my life for a really great guy (which he IS only he's a pothead, unavailable and moving to Utah) who will - WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY WRITING THIS???  Jesus Fucking CHRIST.  I want a GREAT GUY WHO WILL LOVE ME - I LOVE HIM AND - okay I need to calm down.  Anyway I realized I have a choice and it helped to let go of the sex idea.  Plus it wasn't from the right place - it was like when I'm emotionally hungry - I was emotionally wanting sex.  The Snake Doctor used to ask me what would happen if when I got hungry at work I just didn't eat the nachos, pizza, popcorn - what would happen?  I would say - I think I would be fine.  Is that what I would say?  Okay - distracted again.  Lots of ladies today!  Gotta go - thank God I'm busy.  Love you Bluebie.

Is this boring?

I'm in bed - I have to work in the morning....I got home from working with my sponsee and I went and got some groceries, ate, took care of the dog, cleaned a little, did dishes, watered the plants, threw out the garbage, cleaned the mouse trap and reset it.  Just in case you were wondering what that dead smell was - it was a baby mouse in the trap.  OH - so when the trap gets up trapped and it's on its side - something dead is in it usually.  Duh and GROSS.  I ate some sorbet, wrote down all my money I spent, filed some papers - who the fuck am I?  It took forever to get home tonight....train to a train to a bus and then I had to walk.  I got on the wrong bus and next thing I knew we were at Fort Tryon Park - at the fucking END of the park and the driver was like "LAST STOP."  She actually had to say it to me like 5 times because I was reading.  What a pain in the ass.  Now I'm in bed.  Oh - don't worry - I flossed and lotioned and I have on clean pj's.  Is this boring?  I love doing all this - having things clean and but - well - when do I get to have sex again?  I need to go to sleep.  I want to just quit that job - I felt hung over today - I felt so gross and I even got enough sleep!  I ate 45 tater tots last night.  Maybe 35 but still - so many.  Maybe that's why I feel hung over.  Good night - I have to sleep.  Love you Bluebers.

I'm a less mess but still a mess...

Third double in a row and with the subways a mess this weekend I am also a mess now.  I had to take a bus to a train, to another train, to a bus.  I didn't walk the dog and I am so mad at myself for thinking this was okay.  Why did I say yes that I would work this way for 2 weekends?  I can never do this again.  Okay - look - last year I wouldn't have taken a shower, I would have paid for a cab to work and what else?  I would - I don't know.  This is - I can't even focus.  I didn't even work the 3rd show last night or I would be even MORE of a mess.  So despite the fact I still haven't been able to just say "No - I'm sorry - that won't work for me" - at least I'm taking slightly better care of myself.  I need to get a new job.  Can you imagine?  This has been years of me wanting & needing to leave that comedy club and years of me not being able to get back my power from a loving place.  Okay - so I have anew theory that unless I give my notice at that club I will not leave.  I won't - although honestly - the money is so bad there now that I just don't even know how it's staying open.  I think I need to stop writing.  I'm upset - I still miss the guy so much.  Last night I totally ignored him until I paid the tiniest attention to him and then he started to rub my back - what is that?  He looked so happy when I paid the tiniest attention to him at one point and it broke my heart.  I can't take this.  Yes - I can - I can take this.  This is my same lesson.  I matter, I can say no - lord - alright - I'm stopping writing - I'm crazy today here at this job.  At least I'm clean - what a difference that makes.  Bye Bluebie. p.s. What am I doing?  Why am I living my beautiful life like this right now?

Holy fucking boring balls of glory.

It's raining and it is so fucking boring today.  I wrote in my journal, chatted on line with 2 different people,wrote a letter, put on make-up, put on more make-up, ate, drank a tea and what else?  Yeesh.  I have to tell you last night I got upset seeing the guy at work and I called my friend who told me that - wait she said this yesterday - she said "If you look at his facebook page it's like you WANT to feel bad."  So guess what?  That kept me from looking at his page at least 5 times and 1 time I did look and it made me sad.  It made me sad.  He isn't okay but he is sweet.  He told me I looked pretty yesterday and isn't that nice?  He was also SO high and REEKED of pot.  Do you know what the craziest part of seeing him was?  He had on new sneakers.  New leather converse sneakers that are really cute actually and he looked cute but it made me so uncomfortable.  He looked cute and was clean and showered and high as a kite with new sneakers.  He doesn't pay taxes but he got new sneakers.  Listen - I used to be like that - I did - and guess what?  It has taken me YEARS to get better and get my shit together and I wasn't anywhere NEAR to being able to be in a relationship.  NOWHERE NEAR.  So - so okay.  So okay - there you go.  I think I'm starting to see him more clearly and this would have never happened if I was still sleeping with him.  Now what?  Now I need a new job.  I feel like I should just quit there and then I will get a new job - I will never do it otherwise - unless it fucking closes.  I mean it is so insane how long I will stay in or at something that doesn't serve me.  Um - I am trying so hard not to order a chocolate cake.  I'm not sure I can actually stop myself.  Okay I'm going to read this book my sister gave me and go on a 21 day detox cleanse and get a boyfriend who has a job, loves the real me, treats me like a QUEEN and has health insurance and life, plus similar interests and what else?  A sense of humor and a kind, kind heart.  SEXY TOO.  THAT'S FUCKING ALL.  For now.  BLUEBERRY I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

TEA BAG FORTUNE.

Clearly I'm not busy at work but I am still drinking a lot of tea and only one coffee a day (except Sunday) and therefor I have something to say about my tea bag fortune.  "All love that has not friendship for its base is like a mansion built upon the sand."  WELL THERE YOU GO!!  As soon as I am attracted to someone I stop being myself and I throw any real friendship out the window.  How could I actually be friends with someone I am attracted to?  Then I would know them, know they aren't good for me and NEVER date them.  Seriously - then I would be responsible.  Fuck.  FUUUuuuuuuCCCKK.  Okay - I id it different this time with this guy - and I will do it more diffrently next time.  When am I going to get OVER this?  It's fucking torture.  MY sponsor said to just let it go.  Let it go.  Just leeet it goooo.  Okay - I will try.  Bye for the fourth time.  p.s. I have to be attracted to different types of men.  Ughhhh - I mean nice, employed, healthy, sober men.  MEN.  Okay - it's okay that I'm mad - he is NEVER going to read this. 

OKAY - RESPONSIBILITY.

Alright - look this isn't going to change - ever - I am never going to get what I want from this same behavior and from dating the wrong people and blah blah.  That's not my point.  I AM WORKING SO FUCKING HARD.  I AM A GOOD KIND FUCKING PERSON.  I LOVE.  Now I need to take mother fucking responsibility for my own fucking actions and for my own fucking issues and move past this.  I loved that meeting I went to where the woman said she was responsible for her alcoholism - right?  Once she realized she had it - she knew and wanted to be responsible for it.  I LOVED THAT.  now - now I can be responsible for that and I can be responsible for what?  These horrible feeling and for the fact that expect something from someplace I simply can not get it.  I can not get love and support from this man.  Of course he went right back to her - it's so easy.  I am not doing the easy thing - I am doing the loving, wonderful thing I wanted to do years & years ago.  What?  I don't even make SENSE right now.  I don't have to give any more of myself to him.  Not my time or caring or attention or anything - at all.  I owe him nothing.  I have been so nice and kind - I let him stay with me, let him keep stuff there - no more - I owe him nothing.  That's what feels right right now - take care of myself and I owe him NOTHING.  FUCK!!!!  Fucking fuck.

OH MY GOD NEW GOAL

I'm such - okay - I'm not going to be mean to myself and I am NOT going to cry I have on fucking make-up.  I LOOKED AT HIS FACEBOOK PAGE AND HE IS FRIENDS AGAIN WITH HIS SLUTTY ex-girlfriend again.  I got so upset - so toxic - sooooosososos upset.  I deleted the stupid picture of Drew fucking Barrymore I posted on his page - why?  Why did I just do that?  Listen I can say this too - I might have trust issues but do you know what a lot of it steams from?  Untrustworthy people so BOOM - there you go.  Okay - I'm embarassed.  At least I didn't delete him which is what I really want to do.  Why though - he is like never on there anyway and hello - it's not like he is going to be a super awesome not addicted fabulous MAN for someone else.  And he is a good guy - he really is.  Who wouldn't be friends with their slutty ex-girlfriend?  He's single so he can do whatever he wants.  There is just no way that he is going to suddenly be a man and be a totally present loving partner - that just isn't happening.  Drunk sex?  That is probably happening and do you know what?  I'm not jealous of THAT one bit.  Fuck that.  So okay NEW GOAL:

1. ONLY LOOK AT MY OWN FACEBOOK PAGE AND ONLY IF I HAVE TO.

Trust.

So I have always had trust issues and it has occurred to me since this past relationship that before I get into another one I have to work out some of these trust issues.  I must say that they will probably not be nearly as prevalent in a healthy relationship with someone who is not an active addict.  I think all things are triggered from that - all my issues.  Okay so if part of therapy has been to somehow cease my repetition compulsion patterns and then dating addicts would be one pattern I must cease.  Also dating people who I do not trust.  Boom and done.  I mean the first time I got sick to my stomach with this guy I should have just stopped.  That's it.  So now - now I am going to work on myself - that's it.  I have some new goals in mind - so let's do this.  What?  I wonder what I would think if I read this post randomly?  Would I think "What a douche!!  Repetion compulsion - what EVER!!!"  Maybe - I might.  I had to watch 2 new girls and 2 Walking Deads to get past that horrible fucking movie Mulholland Drive.  Anywho - goals.

GOALS:
1. LEARN TO TRUST - MYSELF FOR STARTERS.
2. LISTEN TO MY HEART
3. START TAKING DANCE CLASSES AT ALVIN AILEY
4. GET A GREAT MONOLOGUE - 2 GREAT MONOLOGUES
5. GET A NEW JOB
6. GET A NEW JOB
7. GET ANEW JOB
8. GET ANEW JOB.
9. HAVE SEX WITH NORMAN REEDUS.
10. HAVE MORE SEX WITH NORMAN REEDUS.

Staycation still and getting over it.

So this was my fourth day off in a row.....although I still went to class and meetings and - what else?  Cleaned, cleaned and cleaned some more, did all my fucking laundry and jog/walked everyday.  That's a lie - yesterday I just walked - I was too - perioded out to jog.  I Spring Cleaned I did!  I did 5 loads of laundry today and I had to make - 2 trips each way to be able to carry it all.  I just went and got myself flowers.  I threw out my fan because I couldn't clean it.  What you say - that seems extreme doesn't it?  No - I hate that fucking fan - it's from Creepy's house and it only has 2 leg and it reminds me of the guy - he couldn't sleep without the fan and it was dirty and I couldn't clean it because the stupid thing was stuck together so fuck that fan.  I almost didn't want to get rid of it because what if he comes back?  I won't have a fan.  What?  First of all I am getting a new fan and not because of the fucking douche bag - but because I - like everyone in the world - like to have a functioning fan that I can clean if I want to.  Also - he's not coming back because although a huge part of me wants that - an equally large part wants to let this go.  I threw out the little dolls he gave me also.  Ugh.  I had SUCH an amazing class last night!!!  It was SO MUCH FUN.  I really let it rip - HA - the class loved it - AND my spontaneous scene partner.  I just let the character be in my body and I had fun - it was great.  I must say I am fascinated by this goals thing - I mean I guess in reality that's the idea - set goals and then go for it.  Well my apartment is finally functioning and my drawers are organized and I ate at home every single day and did the dishes!!  I mean - amazing.  I'm exercising and ugh - this is exhausting me.  Whatever.  Not whatever - it makes me nervous is all.  Okay - look I just watched Mulholland Drive - watch a piece of shit that movie was.  I HATED it - blech.  So fucking stupid.  I need to watch something I love ASAP or sleep is going to be a disaster for me.  I'm all over the place - who cares?  I need to calm the fuck down.  Who am I?  I don't know - someone who does a lot of chores I guess.  Bye Bluebers - I'm sober and I love you.

Okay - what? It's 80 degress and sunny.

I went in the park and it was glorious and I came back here and made the most delicious salad.  I called the IRS to try and set up a payment plan for my taxes, was on hold for 20 minutes and when the lady came on I realized I only owed $16.00 to the IRS - it's my state taxes that's high.  Can you imagine if I tried to set up a payment plan for $16.00?  The lady laughed.  Do you know I think I did the same thing last year.  Okay so I ran out of time out do laundry but I resigned my lease and I wrote out the check for the $16.00 so that's good.  I wonder - I wonder what's going to happen to me?  When I was in the park 2 things stood out to me.....I walked by these 2 women who were clearly hard core partiers (who clearly still enjoy the sunshine) - they were older and pretty road hard and it didn't look like they were going to stop soon.  Mind you this is what it seemed - I can't know for sure and I was just looking at them out of my peripheral vision since I didn't want to stare and I didn't have on my glasses.  OKAY - so - it made me realize if I kept drinking that's exactly what I would look like - I would know EXACTLY what I was going to turn into and I would know exactly how my life would be.  So - so instead my life is like this and I have no idea what is going to happen.  Life is completely different - sort of.  What?  Then the other thing was this guy who seemed completely full of shit was talking to his girlfriend and seeming like he knew what he was talking about but not really - and I just thought "Oh - that guy is full of shit but wants to be 'The Man' and she is listening to him and letting him and that is exactly the type of guy I usually go for."  Does this make sense?  Why would I want that?  It's an instant lie.  I instantly start to shrink and not be myself and all because I don't want to be responsible and I want someone to take care of me - so I will cave to some poor guy who is trying to be an Alpha male while being totally full of shit - without even KNOWING it himself.  Does this make any sense?  Who cares - I don't know what guy I want but I don't want that fucking guy anymore - plus he kept staring at me and I don't want THAT fucking guy either!  LOOK AT THE CHICK YOU ARE TRYING TO BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW!!  I was staring at him though so that seems unfair.  Whatever - life is unfair.  Do you think I can ask my super to not smoke so much?  He gave me a number I was looking for and his sweatpants were really dirty.  For some reason t makes me think he won't stop smoking so much.  I am going to spate my laundry, make my bed and get ready for my meetings and class.  I worked on my monologue in the park too - that was fun.  Love you Bluebers.  

Writing again......

I just read a post from 2010 where I was complaining about the same man at the same job.  It is time and it was time and now it is time for real.   I wrote that with so much gumption and then by the end of it I was like "Do I really mean that?"  Okay look - for some reason now I have the next 2 days off so on Wednesday I can go OUT and just literally drop off my resume to places.  Boom - there.  It's time to grow and move on.  I really am embarrassed that it has taken me so long but so what?  How is me beating myself up going to help?  I need to move on - and I don't really see how I can move on in any area of my life there - it's too unhealthy - too much recovery time required and now there's not even any money!!  I'm so sleepy.  Good night Buebie.

Wow...I just read last year this time.....

I was fucking insane - holy shit.  Well if it wasn't clear to me before and it was but I am just saying it is ever more clear that drinking will not help me out at all.  I mean the only reason I'm better now is because I haven't drank and I have grown a teeny tiny bit.  Holy shit.  This is blowing my mind how hard this is - I really had no idea.  I'm going to feed the dog now.  I'm so grateful that I got to move and I have my own apartment - it's helped me so much.  Okay - alright - bye bye.

Breakdown - awesome.

Woke up early went back to sleep for 3 hours, prayed & meditated, walked the dog , did the dishes, got all pretty for an audition, went to therapy, printed the sides - found out I wasn't working tomorrow and FREAKED out.  Right before the audition - I was so upset, felt fucked over - the whole thing - all my stupid shit.  She sent me the texts where I said it was fine for her to work tomorrow - I don't know.  I auditioned with this super weird guy who the auditioner LOVED and who also for some reason didn't believe I was in Amistad.  Which is bullshit and not because I WASN'T in fucking Amistad - I COULD HAVE BEEN an extra in Amistad but I decided not to go the audition - which was in my hometown and where they filmed it - seriously?  Am I fucking serious?  He was nice the guy and he talked to us and he was very interested in my acting partner who has been in a ton of shit and had something to talk about.  I didn't even know what they were talking about - the shows nor the people.  Okay - so anyway - guess what??  It's a blessing I'm not working tomorrow because I'm crazy and I have laundry to do and I could use some fresh air.  I miss the guy SO MUCH and I just - I don't know - it's SO HARD NOT TO DRINK right now.  IT'S SO FUCKING HARD.  I went to a gay & lesbian meeting because that's all there was and I shared and I felt better.  Okay - so it's good - I'm home, I lit candles - I'm going to make myself dinner and I am going to watch TV or try to.  I should know what's going on with TV for this work I am trying to get.  I also have class tomorrow night and I have that to work on.  On a positive note my hair looks great.  The first time I have colored it in a long time where I like the color.  Maybe I can go on Wednesday and look for more work - I need more work as soon as possible - I just can't be at that comedy club anymore - it's too hard to be around the drinking - especially now - it's too fucking hard.  Okay - drama fucking pants.  It's just a hard time but it's okay.  I couldn't even take showers 2 years ago regularly - I really couldn't.  So this is an improvement.  What?  I don't know - I just feel better after I write - bye Bluebers - I love you.

Staycation.

I stayed here in my neighborhood today.  I never do that - I am always leaving but the trains are all fucked up and I needed a meeting right away today so I stayed here and I went to a meeting in my neighborhood which I have never done.  It was fantastic - it was really, really wonderful.  I also went for a jog/walk in the park, ran errands, cleaned and got groceries.  I made myself breakfast, lunch and now I'm about to make dinner.  I bought stuff to do my hair and I'm going to give myself a mani/pedi.  Um - I'm exhausted but not completely yet so that's good.  I could really go on - I mean but what's the point?  I'm here taking care of myself, enjoying my apartment and trying to live up to my goals.  Fuck - now I feel like I sound like I'm full of shit and is dying my hair rose blonde a good idea?  I don't fucking know - I want a change and it's going to fucking happen.  I had 2 cups of coffee today because I can't live in complete deprivation so fucking boom yah - I had a second cup of coffee.  I don't smoke cigarettes anymore, drink and throw up on the floor, scream at strangers, piss in my bed or better yet - I don't pee myself completely after not being able to make it from the cab to my house because I drank so much.  I did that at least 3 times.  Just stood there and peed my pants literally.  I don't do that anymore.  Oh boy - whatever - I can't wait till I'm past this break-up - this is a fucking doozey man - why does he have to be NICE and act like he still LIKES me?  At least I don't have to see him till Thursday now so that's good.  Okay - I am going to make myself a bacon cheeseburger.  Fuck yes I am and I am going to watch Warehouse 13 over & over.  I love that show.  I smell cigarettes - isn't that so fucking ironic?  At least I am in my own apartment where I feel free enough to run to a meeting and go for a walk in the park.  I guess at some point the cigarettes will be out of my life too?  Yeesh - bye.

I feel like a whiney dick hole.

I'm such a mess - what the fuck seriously?  It's not so bad - I mean - ugh - what am I even saying?  Why am I so sad about this guy?  He was SO high last night - the last 2 nights - every night.  I think I just have PMS and that being said I feel like I am just whining - I don't feel like I am working anything out or having a profound experience.  What?  I mean - I don't know what I mean.  I want some relief I guess and I am so sexually frustrated now.  I just want to be done with this process - get over him already and move on to Mr. Right!!  COME ON DOWN TO THE MRS. RIGHT!!  That's me.  See - I'm not even funny - I'm just lame.  I jog/walked in the park minus the crying and now I made some green tea.  Cool.  Great.  So awesome.  Such a blessing.  I wish there were sarcasm italics.  Well - what else can I do?  I guess I literally have to be patient.  What a fucking annoying ass thing to do.  I will take a shower, get cute as possible - what?  My hair was well conditioned yesterday and that did help my whole evening it seemed.  Maybe a poem will help.

Anal, anal,
No no
not with a guy who smokes dope
Every day and all the time
I have anal on my mind
not really but yes yes and why?
I don't know but I want to cry
My super keeps getting fatter which fills me with rage
Why?  I don't know
and more I don't care
He's fat I'm alone
and it's sunny - I need to get boned.
I can wait - what - I'm so - so sososososos
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
horny.
Yet - shy.

Byeeeeee Bluebers........I LOVE YOUBERS.

Breakfast.

I just made myself breakfast and it was delicious and now I'm crying.  What did my friend say - she said "You have to feel the pain of this break-up and you can feel it in 6 years or you can feel it now but you have to feel it so just feel it."  I made myself a Greek yogurt with that blueberry stuff and ground flax seed first and then I made a feta omelet with side of avocado, a piece of buttered Ezekiel sesame brad toasted and a little side of black olive tapenade.  I put the avocado on the toast and when I bit into it my whole body started to absorb it - it tasted better than anything I have ever eaten.  I thought to myself "This is better than sausage and pancakes right?"  because that's what I would have made if the guy were here.  I caught a mouse in the trap - finally because I put peanut butter on it.  I mean who can resist peanut butter?  It was just it's head in the trap and it's little body just splayed out in the back of the trap - it looked so cute.  I said sorry.  Do you know the craziest part?  All the fucking peanut butter was gone - so it ate ALL of the fucking peanut butter and THEN the trap happened.  Gross.  I feel terrible.  I'm sad and a murderer.  Why would such a delicious breakfast make me cry?  I have no idea.  I just listened to a podcast that made me cry.  He's being so nice the guy - it's so sad.  I'm crying because it's fucking sad.  He came and found me last night and he was so high that I could not tell what he was looking at - I thought he was looking at my boobs and he said "No I'm looking at you!"  Okay - it's so sad - he's such a great guy and he's so high and it doesn't matter because I have to take care of myself and I don't want to.  Yes I do - I want to.  Look at me - I made breakfast, I killed a mouse, I threw out the mouse, I bleached where the dead mouse was (I guess all those murder shows I watch have helped with cleaning up after a mouse murder), I did the dishes, I watered my plants, I filed my receipts.....I have on a jog bra because eventually I am going into the park to jog and cry.  I finally figured out exactly how much money I need to make a month and how much I need to make from a second job in order to leave the comedy club.  Tears and snot all over my face - I'm doing so fucking great Bluebers - so fucking great.  I mean I guess I am though right?  God - I'm so glad I don't drink anymore - I couldn't navigate my way through anything.  Bye - I love you.

I don't WANT to do this......

I don't want to be a grown-up and be broken up with this guy in a healthy way especially because he isn't DOING WHAT I WANT.  And what would that be?  I don't know - he could get sober, get a full time job with benefits, give me a baby and a house and what?  I mean really - what?  That is so ridiculous - is that even what I want?  Well - not from someone who has no desire to do that and well - I don't know.  I'm sad - I miss him and my sponsor just said to be a grown-up when I see him and take care of myself without playing games.  I have never EVER done that.  I don't have someone else lined up and I don't want to but in the past I would have.  How boring is this?  Look - this is all I know - I can't do what I've done before - it will NOT work.  One time I was trying to put a little side braid in my hair (this is the dumbest analogy) and I could NOT get it to work and finally I just said to myself "Fuck it I'm just trying it a completely different way - this is not working" and guess what?  Yes - it worked and it was so didn't make sense to me and now every time I do - it still doesn't quite make sense.  Do you know at different times in my life I have had - while having a serious boyfriend a "Just In Case Boyfriend."  I called him that because - well - yeah - in case my boyfriend and I broke up - um WHAT?  That is terrible.  Then at another time I had a 1/18 of a boyfriend.  What the fuck is that?  I just have never wanted to be a fucking grown-up about relationships or commitments or whatever.  Responsible for myself - ugh.  Okay so if I see him tonight I can't play games and I also have to keep my boundaries and also not flirt in front of him just to upset him.  This is so lame - so sos sosososos lame.  There are people struggling with real serious life issues and I'm just obsessing over this.  It's okay - I have to be nice to myself - relationships are what I always drank over before - ALWAYS.  I just couldn't stand it - couldn't stand being responsible for myself and blah, blah - this is exhausting.  Okay - Bluebers I love you.  p.s. I still have PMS so I'm a little coo-coo.

Poem.

I'm farting from split pea soup and a potato knish
What the fuck is the guy doing?
HOW DOES HE NOT CARE WHAT I"M DOING?
When will this food fest end -  feel like exploding again
Fed my dog peanut butter
Fed my plant - plant food
Fed my heart a meeting
And looked at the floor the whole time
The speaker was a creeper
I am a mess
I just cried during New Girl
I'm so exhausted and bloated and I COOKED DINNER AT HOME
I'M GROWING I'M ALIVE I'M CHANGING
why?
I don't know what else to do.
There's no such thing as solo anal
I don't care what that chick said.
Sigh.............

Bye.

I'm cornfused today.

I'm so out of it.  It might be the 3 sausages, mozzarella cheese, tostitos ( SCOOPS!) and chocolate I ate last night at midnight when I got home.  Oh and 2 eggs.  Haha - whoa - I have PMS.  Here's the great part - I ate it at home and then I cleaned the kitchen all up and got all ready for bed, did my yoga and went right to sleep.  I do feel slightly like I am going to explode but you know what - IT WAS GREAT.  Do you know I bought an umbrella on Monday before therapy and it didn't work - just wouldn't stay open and I returned it and then I found 10 dollars on the floor.  That was fun.  What else?  Ummmmm - class was good last night so that's good.  I need to get a great night's sleep tonight.  I'm unfocused but it's okay.  What else?  This is riveting isn't it?  Hmmmmm.......well - um - I love you Bluebers!!  So much - I will write more later when I'm awake and less bloated.  What?  Bye.

Goals.

I'm doing okay with my goals so far.....I jogged twice this week, got my apartment a little more put together and I have only been drinking ONE cup of coffee a day - in my apartment.  I have been drinking less soda water (so not spending money on soda water), only had Starbuck's once - and a green tea at that, I have been cooking at home and what else?  Oh - total fail with the guy because I got sucked back in and now he is blowing me off again - you know it felt like he just drifted away.  THANK GOD I didn't sleep with hi or kiss him or any of that.  But I was texting and thinking - okay - who cares - it's all the same stuff - I'm going to count days off of him.  That way I am the one being responsible for myself and then - well there you go.  That's the only way this will work out for me and it gives me a way to not look at his facebook and think about texting him and blah, blah.  It's so uncomfortable - I deserve SO much better than this and I want so much better than this for myself.  I just have to be strong.  By the time 90 days is up he might be gone anyway.  Does it matter?  No - no it doesn't.  Okay so here are some new goals:

1. Everyday do something to get acting work and other work - a new job.
2. Make my lunch everyday.
3. Go to bed earlier and GET UP EARLIER.
4. Get ready before I leave the house.
5. Do not look at his facebook, don't text - LET IT GO - focus on myself from a place of love.

Love you Bluebers.