What am I doing? I can't be with this guy - it's way too dangerous.

This cocktailing job and this man suddenly seem so dangerous to me.  Of course I'm freaking out - I'm an addict and I'm spending a lot of time with someone who smokes cigarettes, drinks and smokes pot.  And always - always he has been concerned with how that makes me feel - about doing it around me - always.  He is a good person but I'm slowly unraveling and I'm not strong enough - I need to get out of that job and I'm not sure - my friend just said I need to run away from him.  He said it is so crazy and dangerous.  Listen - it's not all that dramatic.  However I have been upset and just unwilling to admit to myself how crazy this is.  I mean I think what I was doing last night by being so jealous and wanting to be destructive was doing that instead if admitting to myself that dating someone who uses is really hard and maybe not what I want.  Wow - I feel completely different now.  I was totally lying to myself.  What else?  I need to get the fuck out of that job.  It will be okay - thank God I was nice last night.  That would have been so much more awful dealing with.  What?  I mean that would have been another week of figuring out what was really going on - by having to clean up after me being a douche.  Lord - bye Bluebie - love you.

Oh dear.

I am a nervous mess these last couple of days.  Let's start with something fantastic shall we?  A really beautiful thing that happened.  For me this is a tectonic shift - a growth towards love from which I have really never been able to grow towards.  What?  That is a terrible sentence.  Okay - here it goes.  I'm so tired.  I have been tired.  Classes, jobs, programs, a guy - it's all so much.  Okay - so.  So yesterday I was here, go to my meeting, go to my class until almost 11:00 at night and I'm so tired.  I hadn't heard form the guy - he was moving yesterday and I thought he would want to sleep over because - I don't know why - because.  Let's get tot the good part.  I was feeling jealous and anxious and convinced he was not talking to me because he was being shady.  I was going to go to bed without texting him first and I was going to go to bed with a hard heart - an angry heart.  A nasty heart.  A "See - I knew you were being a fucking jerk - a creep  -a fuck me over mother fucker - you are just at work macking on that new hot girl blah, blah - HATE" heart.  Okay - so I decide I don't know any of these things - I decide to write to him - he is waiting for the bartender to get off of work to help him move stuff because he has a car.  Okay - so he doesn't want to sleep over because he is going to be sooo late.  Let me say also - I was only going to get a little over 6 hours of sleep at this point and I didn't even WANT him to sleep over - I just wanted him to MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.  I also was trying to be nice - if his bed wasn't set up or whatever - but really - I was just being crazy.  So he tells me he doesn't want to sleep over and I say to myself "Oh - well I'm going to ask him WHO IS WORKING RIGHT NOW???"  Right?  Um - what?  I had just left my acting class where I'm sitting on my GORGEOUS acting partners lap and staring at my beautiful teacher and trying not to look at his huge package.  Right?  Okay - so I decide not to send that message.  I'm being jealous because I'm putting myself onto him - right?  I decide I am being crazy and that I am not doing that not only to him, but to myself.  So then I say something nice instead that I meant - he says thank you to me for offering kindness and then I say "Good night gorgeous."  He says "Good night beautiful."  Then I went to sleep and woke up not well rested enough but not completely exhausted and angry.   I was able to pray and meditate and love the dog a little and get to work.  I just realized how hard I AM BEING ON MYSELF.  I WISH THIS LADY WOULD LEAVE - SHE'S NOT GOING TO BUY ANYTHING.  Okay - she left.  I need to go home tonight and get groceries and clean and fucking go to bed at 10:30.  I just don't understand what is happening.  I'm so - nuts.  It's so sad.  I'm just flipped out.  I forgot my make-up.  I guess feelings aren't facts - what?  Look it sucks - it sucks to be freaking out.  I am freaking out and having lots of negative thoughts and I want a baby and a relationship and it feels like my life is whipping past me and I'm so lost.  What am I doing?  The fact that I was kind last night and that I didn't go to bed with hate in my heart like a victim was one of the most beautiful things I have ever done.  What?  Do I mean that?  It was kind - I was being kind.  I'm reading this book called Lamb and it's about Jesus when he a teenager and in the part I read this morning He said "Fear is from wanting to know the future."  I had no idea how gripping of the past and future I am.  I'm just riddled with fear and afraid to move on.  I want to do comedy again and I want a life and I want to move and live.  I want a new job and I'm petrified to even try.  I was really funny in class last night but only after the teacher lit a fire under my ass.  Then I exploded!!  Please dear lord - let me fly - it is so uncomfortable to sit on all this energy.  Amen.

A Little Bit Farther Down The Road On Tuesday.

I need a plan!  That's it!!  I need a mother fucking plan.  Yup.  I'm going to make one.  Actually I'm going to think about making one.  AH - YES.  A plan.  Bluebye.

Not Much Later On Tuesday.

I would like to take the opportunity to let you know that I am completely failing at not worrying.  In fact I have taken my worry to a whole new level of complete freakedoutness.  Holy fuck I was just about to write what I was worrying about when I realized it's just a waste of my energy.  I'm not going to do it.  I'm going to write in my journal and I'm going to finish The Prosperous Heart.  Then maybe I will be able to do some homework.  There.  It will be okay - I will be okay.  I'm going to listen to my heart.  Right now.  Once again I will quote Life Of Pi where the man who teaches him to swim says "A mouthful of water can't kill you but a hard heart can."  So let's soften my heart.   Yes.  Bluebye. 

Tuesday.

Okay - here's what I'm working on.  This should be riveting.  Being worry free and really visualizing what that looks like.  Expressing myself.  Being nice to myself - super so kind to myself.  Having a really nice relationship with myself.  Let's see where I was a year ago today.  Before I do that I want to say that my sponsor said that I can't be a victim if I don't live like one.  I feel like so much is happening - so much is changing inside of me and that once again I am at a fork in the road.  It's time for me to actually change my thought patterns and let go of all the negative, self-defeating thoughts and ideas I have had for so long.  It's so boring - it's so boring to be negative and jealous and WORRIED.  I can't do it anymore.  I got so bored of being drunk and unhappy.  I am so bored of being sober and unhappy.  Especially since I do it to myself.  All that energy I could be using to be creative and loving and helpful in the world.  Yesterday do you know what I did?  Why yes - I would love to tell you.  I got up, worked with my alanon sponsor, prayed and meditated, got the Prince up and out, talked to my sponsee for an hour, got ready and went to rehearsal, then I went and wrote at an Internet cafe and did my homework for class, went to therapy, went to my writing class and went home and took a bath and put a mud mask on and did my nails.  Shut up - really?  TO ME THIS IS MIRACLE.  After I woke up this morning and thought about the class I really thought about how I just want to be able to express myself - in all the creative ways I love to.  Be funny, write, love, eat, sleep - breathe, love more.  That's all.  That's all?  I don't know what I mean by that.  I want to be alive for fuck's sake.  Okay - let's look at this time last year.  Holy FUCK - well I wrote on this day last year and it was when everything got really crazy with Princess Boris and Creepy.  Well - lord have mercy this is a time of sincere gratitude that I no longer live in that situation.  Thank you.  Thank you Blueberry Blog for being there for me during it.  Holy shit though - what great material it is.  That place was insane.  Let me say that I didn't really do well on my homework for class and it made me realize how I deserve better than that.  I mean I deserve to give myself the opportunity to take the time to really WRITE and do the work.  Not just and hour and a half.  Okay.  Good.  Great.  I am fucking obsessed with myself - Jesus.  Time to go do my homework early this time and what else?  I don't know - hydrate!!!  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Look I don't mean to brag but I have

a urinary tract infection AND diarrhea right now.  Why?  Because I drank an entire bottle - 32 ounces of unsweetened pure cranberry juice and it never occurred to me that that was a bad idea.  Look - there's a happy part to this story.  I had the guy over last night and I didn't have sex with him because I knew that I had something going on and he was so nice about it.  More than nice - who wants to have sex with someone whose parts are out of order - jeez.  He likes to be with me - and I like to be with him - it can't be just sex - what?  I hate this day.  It's fucking freezing in here at the store.  I have 2 space heaters on - the basement open for heat from down there and the regular heat cranked up all the way.  I also have on a very expensive cashmere scarf because I am so cold.  Well.  I suppose I could find a less expensive scarf in here but this one is huge.  I feel like I am in my bedroom - all grumpy and layered in clothing.  I have on tights, long socks - think high boots, pants - and a light sweater.  That's probably where I went to easy on the clothing - it's freezing and I have on a light sweater.  Heavy sweater - I should have on a heavy sweater.  I SHOULD HAVE ON A CROWN THAT'S WHAT I SHOULD HAVE ON!!!  By the ocean in bathing suit.  What?  I don't actually think that would be a good look for me.  I need to do the homework for my writing class and the homework for my acting class.  I should take the opportunity on here one day to write a sci-fi post.  How about if I start now with a sci-fi poem?

Sci-Fi Poem:
The creature with 8 limbs rolled along the beach......
Searching, searching for something to eat.
It's long nose trailed behind it
Trying to find what it's eyes couldn't see.....
The world was cold and empty
No food could be found
Just an empty beach with purple bushes that screamed out loud....
They said "I'M THIRSTY - I'M PROUD!!!!!" over & over
The creature growled and shook a limb at the bush
And wished for piss so he could pee upon it.
Instead he took a piece of the bush in his limbs
And fucked that bush.

What?  I was on a roll there for a second.  I'm into it though.  My 2 favorite writers?  Stephen King and Ray Bradbury.  Bye Blueberry - you rhyme with Bradbury.

It's fucking freezing.

19 degrees.  Totally winter.  I am at work and I am clean, have on clean clothes and I have already eaten healthy food and had lots of caffeine.  It is so slow her - not a soul has come in.  I am trying to keep myself occupied by keeping track of my finances, reading the Big Book and I made some program calls.  Yesterday my Mom left and I ran errands, went to rehearsal, therapy, did laundry and did my hair.  I have decided something.  Being neurotic is boring.  Or I don't know - I can't say that as a blanket fact for everyone - maybe if you haven't been and you become it - it is fun.  Or interesting.  There hit a point in my drinking where it was so boring to me.  It was so boring and I found no relief in the boredom of it.  Now when I get all jealous, weird and - spinning in my head - it's boring.  I don't want to control the future anymore.  I don't want to know what's going to happen.  I want a frame-work for life and let things happen from that.  That's it - I can't take it.  It is so boring to try and figure out what that guy is doing all the time and HE IS SO GREAT.  This is brand new for me and I find my old thought patterns slipping in- or rather barging in but - I just have to move on.  I don't know what is going to happen with him and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.  Life is a mystery - I want to live and enjoy myself.  Years ago if I was dating someone I never would have had my mother come visit.  I would have wanted to hang out only with that person - and not in a healthy way.  In a "watch them because I don't trust them" way.  HOW AWFUL AND NOT LIVING IS THAT?  It's so boring.  If I act the way I used to act in relationships I will destroy this and in some way I will have control and I will know what is happening.  I'm just not that big of a pussy - I'm not.  I have to let go - it's the only thing that feels right.  And you know what?  The more I'm good and take right actions and behave in a away that I know is good for me - the less I care about how other people are.  I think one of the reasons the owner upset me so much is because I have been late a lot lately - and being half-assed kind of on the job.  Not completely but - you know - not totally doing my best.  And being late all the time is NOT cool - I don't care if it is slow.  So.  SO here's another long blog post.  So this is the new direction - taking care of myself, doing what is right for me and then seeing what else happens.  All while taking it one day at a time, not drinking and being of service.  Not so good at service but I will be.  I will.  What?  I could so totally sleep right now.  I suppose that is REALLY not the right thing to do at this job right now!  Bye Blueberry - I love you so much.

For lack of a better direction to go in - let's go with positive....

I got up today and made myself coffee and drank water first.  I took a shower and put on clean clothes.  I took the dog out and I made my bed.  Last night I cleaned and put out fresh flowers because my mother is coming to visit tomorrow.  I didn't drink last night or this morning and I didn't drink last night.  I am doing my best not to worry since I learned this week that my incessant need to worry is based on a need to control.  How's that for a fucking epiphany???  Holy shit.  So.  The owner of the store here was a douche to me on Thursday and do you know why?  Because she double parked in front of the store in a bus stop and because I asked her a question she got a ticket.  Sooooo she came in and said to me with her eyes bugging out of her head "Um - next time I'm double parked don't start talking to me because you started talking to me and now I got a hundred dollar ticket so - um - yeah - because you started talking to me."  Then she went outside and did this insane jerking flip her hands out body shudder, gave me a dirty look and drove away.  I was like "I didn't know you were double parked...."  UM ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????  It has been so long since she has been so crazy.  That's not even my point.  My point is that after that happened I was like "Fuck this place, fuck this job, blah blah" - right - all that victimy bullshit.  Okay so today I was like "Okay - I'm not going to have a terrible day and do a terrible job because she was awful one day."  I told myself I was going to do my best and that I really appreciate the job and ALSO that I have no idea WHAT is going on with her or why she would behave in that manner.  It's also not my fault and I don't care.  Okay - so I came here, put on my make-up, did everything that needed to be done and made the store look cute and told myself I would sell some things and guess what?  I've sold some things.  One small step towards me not being effected by someone else's behavior - 3 days later.  It took 3 days but I got there.  It wouldn't have happened 3 months from now even a year and a half ago.  I'm writing long on here because I used up all my journal and I forgot to get a new one.  So that's good right?  I over came that and I'm over coming being a drunk.  My acting class is good and I'm learning more and getting stronger all the time.  The worry though - holy fuck - that is like a crazy drink for me.  So - one day at a time - I am working on that.  To let go - say I have no control to myself - don't try to figure out the future.......what are the positive actions of those last 2 things?  Be present......let the mystery of life be one with me (WHAT?) and let go.  I don't even know how to not worry.  I don't know what to do instead of trying to figure shit out all the time.  YEESH.  I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANYTHING BUT MYSELF AND EVEN THAT I NEED HELP WITH!!

This is going to sound ridiculous but....

I just read my horoscope and I finally feel better.  I have had so much panic and worry these last couple of days and now - now I feel resigned to just doing the best I can do today - and just letting go and seeing what happens.  I want some kind of solid answers but the fact of the matter is I'm just not sure.  I'm not sure of how I feel and I'm not sure what I want.  That's just the truth.  I think I need to read my book.  I already went into the dressing room and prayed and I wrote in my journal.  Now - now I need to just relax and read.  I have nothing to give.  I'm tired - that's all there is to it.  Let my shoulders drop and read this book.  Trust.  I'm going to trust that growth inside of me is possible - it seems inevitable really.  Breathe.  I'm going to breathe.  I'm going to open my heart and calm down.  I'm going to reread my horoscope because I already forgot what it said that was so soothing.  Bye Blueberry - I love you.

Well.

Well well well well well.  I am awake and now it's - fuuuuck - this is already about to be boring.  Here's a great thing.  We (the guy and I - what should his name be here?  He's a Prince for sure - that seems so gay.....but he is) went to the movies last night and then he came and slept over despite the fact that I have my period.  Isn't that so sweet?  I just meditated and now I feel like I can't write.  I already took the dog out and I threw out the box the stools came in.  They are so great and they were so not expensive.  Listen - we all have our problems and he's not perfect either.  What am I talking about?  I start my writing class tonight and I'm so excited!!  I feel like that class and my acting class are such a great way to start the new year.  My scene partner right now is so active in acting.  I mean he gets a lot of work.  Prince said to me - um - that is so gay - I will ask him what he wants to be named.  I will?  Anyway he always tells me to not think so much.  He means about him but I do that with everything.  I don't know what my point is.  I need to run some errands before I go to rehearsal so I should go.  I guess I should wake him up?  It was fun having him here - like a sleep-over.  Bye Bluebie - I love you.

So here goes a boring climbed mountain story.....

I got home last night and the guy was back and at work and I could have saw him - did I write this already??  I didn't have him come over.  I''m dying to see him but I have a double today and I would have been crying through it.  I put myself to bed and got up and took care of myself and the dog - who thank God made it through the night without getting sick.  I was still late to work but - welllll - looks like I was more worried about praying, meditating and shaving.  I managed to take care of myself yesterday too even though I was so completely flipped out about the dog.  Look - I just have to say it again - my mind is blown that I took care of myself last night and went to bed.  In the past I would have been so worried that if I said no he would have slept with other women or I don't know - never talk to me again?  Just fear.  Who wants something done out of fear anyway?  Ew.  Fucking totally ew.  I just need to keep trusting that doing the right thing is actually the right thing to do.  Um - what??  Seriously though.  What else?  I have no idea - I'm starving.  I love you Bluebie - enjoy your cyberspace.  Ha - get it??  Yeesh.

What do I want?

I had a hard day - the dog made me so sad but now I am home and she seems so much better.  I have an appointment for Friday morning first thing so hopefully we will get this figured out and she will feel better.  I rehearsed with my scene partner for class and it was so much fun.  Just now as I am straightening up I found 2 things I cut out of the newspaper - last year - that say (for my Vision Board - SHUT UP) "Golden Globe Nominee Best Actor"  "Winner - Academy Award."  Then it made me remember that I wanted to be an actress - I wanted to be a God Damned Actress and that's what I moved to New York for (that and my boyfriend at the time).  I never wanted to be a comedian - it was just something I fell into and was good at and wanted to use as vehicle to be AN ACTRESS.  So why am I torturing myself?  I want to act for fuck's sake.  I got so fucking inspired to write this and now I'm exhausted.  Radical acceptance.  Radical Acceptance of the dog, the nice smoking super, my powerlessness over my desire to do comedy - my lack of vision.  I accept.  I accept and I sleep I hope.  Good night Blueberry My Love.  There's always you.  p.s. I just spell checked this and the only word it highlighted as spelled wrong was 'fuck's.'  Haaaaa.  Sigh.

Me, My Feelings and the Dog With Diarrhea.

I guess I have PMS.  I'm so tired.  I feel gross.  I got fat yesterday.  I got home tonight and once again the poor dog was sick everywhere.  Her bed, the floor - everywhere and it was really gross.  She could tell I was home and she strolled out of her bed and stretched and wagged her tail like all was fine.  I was starving and I cleaned everything up and if you don't think cleaning up diarrhea when are starving is the most confusing thing ever - it is - trust me.  I had taken back ALL the food I bought her - took one new can and guess what?  Makes her sick.  I gave her a bath and she looked so skinny and helpless and shivering and her bones were all crackily and I could not stop crying.  I was just crying and washing the dog.  Why does it have to be like this?  If you don't think that made me want to drink you are very wrong.  I really wanted some relief from realizing this dog is not fucking well and is seriously old.  She's okay now - I cleaned everything, washed the floors a million times - threw out her bed - which is new.  She has another bed it's okay but man - she loved that bed.  It was perfect for her.  So I'm done cleaning and what do I see.  Cockroach.  Since I had the mop out I caught it and I flushed it down the toilet apologizing the whole time.  What the fuck?  I then took care of myself.  I ate and did dishes and put on clean pajamas and washed my make-up off and flossed.  I put on old lady lotion on my face and brushed my teeth.  I think I need to meditate now.  I think I really do.  My shoulders are up by my ears and I'm so upset.  I put newspaper down everywhere and what am I supposed to do to make her feel better?  Poor thing.  She is acting like everything is fine except for the bath part which was horrifying.  Thank you for being here.  Bye Bluebers.

Hi.

Hi - how are you?  I'm fine.  That's how this girl and I would write notes to each other in 4th grade.  Then we would describe what we had for dinner the night before.  She had a salad EVERY night with dinner which I found so confusing because she didn't seem very healthy.  She was chubby or something - I can't remember.  I don't even remember her name.  I just remember passing really boring notes over & over & over again.  I just left the park and it was glorious once again.  This time the creepy ladies didn't even bother me - although one was reaaally sticky.  Her weirdo energy was way sticky AND she had on sunglasses and was staring.  Just because you have on sunglasses doesn't mean people can't tell you are staring.  It did occur to me that maybe she liked my gloves or something like that AND just now it occurred to me that maybe she wasn't even actually looking at me or EVEN that her craziness had NOTHING to do with me!!  Imagine that.  Yeesh.  Sooooo - soooo I'm pretty balanced today.  No I'm not BUT the good thing is that while I was in the park obsessing over the guy getting in touch with me - I realized that I just want him to get in touch with me to make me feel better.  Then - when I realized that - my stomach settled.  That's not his or anyone else's fucking job.  I mean - not like that anyway.  Christ I am already exhausting myself.  I need to run errands and get to 2 meetings.  I looked at pictures of his really hot ex-girlfriend.  Why would I do that to myself?  Now I need to dye my hair and get a boob job.  Bye Bluebie.  Let's revisit this later.

Soooo.....

I woke up crazy and didn't want to do anything and then I got inspired by Heidi Klum.  I heard her in an interview once where the interviewer asked her how she had such a nice body and she said something like this "I go to the gym!!  How else do I do it??  I go to the gym - I don't want to but I get up and I go do it."  So I got my ass outside and when I tell you the park is glorious - I mean GLORIOUS.  The air, the sun, the crisp cold, the ducks - even the weirdo dudes trying to casually stroll around like they aren't weirdos were fantastic.  So lovely.  Sooooo - so there you go.  Thank you Heidi Klum - you really helped me today.  I also meditated for longer and realized I needed help and then I called my sponsor and asked for her help.  I mean - I needed help calming down and focusing - that's all.  I must say though last night I was struck by how attractive some of the alcohol at work looked.  I mean I got a craving for it.  Maybe that's why I was so grumpy there last night.  That and I completely did not want to be there.  Okay - but it's a new day and I am going to get myself a winter coat.  I took back that other one and they took it back thank God.  I have to go shower and get out of here.  I love you Bluebie.

Anxiety and dreams.

I had a dream I was at this beautiful house and there was a big family there and some friends - and me.  We were in the living room - one of those huge "cozy" gorgeous living rooms.  We were all trying to figure out why the Mom was having seizures.  So we are all trying to figure it out and I know - I just KNOW that I can figure it out.  She's had tons of tests and nothing makes sense and I suggest that she guess the oddest thing as the source.  Then she says - well - I think it might be the Viagra.  I realize that she must be right - it's the Viagra and I get really sad for her.  Her husband goes and gets the Viagra so we can all look at it - and there are lots of oooo's and ahhh's over it.  He has it in his hand with a little spoon.  Then she says after one of her kids says "Why are YOU taking Viagra" - she says "Oh - I'm not taking it......(dot dot dot).  Then I was really confused and I woke up after sleeping for 11 fucking hours.  I woke up once at 6 in the morning and I was so upset I wasn't getting up to go work on a sitcom.  I fell back to sleep and then I woke up and I was just upset.  I miss the Guy and I'm so weirded out by him being picked up by his son's mother.  I just - I know it's none of my business and I just - I'm just upset and I feel lonely.  What am I doing?  Why am I still here in this city?  Why am I pursuing this dream still and by pursuing this dream I mean stressing?  Seriously - what the fuck am I doing?  I know I'm not being nice to myself but why am I having a break-down right now?  I prayed and I meditated and I ate a healthy breakfast.  I'm going to therapy and a meeting.  Then I am going to waitress.  Why am I doing that to myself?  I sit never coming back?  Am I never going to be inspired again to go REALLY do comedy?  Am I just settling completely?  Why am I dating someone 14 years younger than me with a child?  I don't care about the child part or the age difference but - I just was so shocked last night when he said he was waiting for her to pick him up.  I asked if he was sleeping there and he said no.  I just - he usually pays so much attention to me and now - not so much.  My friend at work said this is just an excuse for me to run away sooner.  Sooner?  I'm upset - I need to go outside.  Sigh.

I got Renter's Insurance.

I was freaking out about the guy and I need Renter's Insurance (it's very grown-up so I'm giving it Capitals) and so I called and got it.  I just could not freak out for one more second so I had to do something good for myself.  Then he wrote me while I was on the phone FOREVER with Keith from the Renter's Insurance place.  I'm exhausted and exhausting.  BUT - I have Renter's Insurance!!!  BYE!!!!!  I LOVE YOU BLUEBERS!!!

Well thank God - I am freaking out.

I wouldn't want to just be CALM all the time now WOULD I??  I yelled that.  Okay - here's the thing - okay - I already can't take myself seriously.  He went away to see his son and I haven't heard from him yet today and I am convinced I am never going to see him again - he will disappear "WITHOUT A TRACE."  See?  It's totally rational.  I did though see something that said "Without A Trace" written down somewhere sometime in the last couple of weeks and it made me so nervous.  As opposed to everything else that makes me nervous.  How long should I wait till I start to see other people?  I haven't heard from him since 2:00 in the morning and I am ready to move on.  Jesus - I'm just freaking out.  He's going to see the baby Momma - I mean - he's not going to see her - he's going to you know - look at her with his eyeballs.  What?  Jesus.  It's so sweet he is going to see his son.  I'm just sad I fell asleep and didn't get to say bye.  WHY ISN'T HE WRITING TO ME?  Maybe because he's on a plane and he hasn't charged his phone or because he IS WITH HIS SON.  See?  I'm freaking out.  This is exhausting me - I have to stop.  It's fucking freezing out.  I just got so grumpy.  I ordered Chinese food for lunch and when I tell you the shock I experienced when I opened up the "BBQ chicken" - I was literally opened mouthed.  In my mind I pictured fresh chicken breast with yummy BBQ sauce - all crispy and amazing.  Instead it was that weird fucking "chicken" in oddly shaped pieces in that awful pink BBQ sauce they use at Chinese food places.  WHAT seriously came over me that I thought it would be fresh OR delicious?  So fucking annoying.  On a bed of shredded ice berg lettuce.  Like it was fucking fancy or something.  I AM SO ANNOYING RIGHT NOW.  Only on the inside.  Totally have my shit together on the outside.  What?  Bye Bluebs.

Finally going to get some sleep...

It's almost midnight and I'm home.  I just took a bath and it was glorious.  I don't have much to say I'm so exhausted.  I worked today and I did my best, went to a meeting.  The guy came to work with me and we laughed while I put my make-up on.  He is such a funny.  I can't even tell you how excruciating it was to write that sentence.  I am telling you - this level of growth is so awkward, slow and rather excruciating.  Being good to myself feels like I am cutting myself.  That doesn't make any sense.  It's just painful.  I was never a cutter but I did pick my face and chew the inside of my mouth - for years.  The face picking I got over - the mouth chewing has gotten better lately because - I have no idea why.  This is so boring.  I'm being a pussy.  I paid my rent today - how amazing is that?  I need to do some yoga and go to bed.  I WANT to do some yoga and go to bed.  Difference.  I love you so much and I have no idea who you are.  Bye Bluebs - till tomorrow.

Start the year off right....

that's what my friend said.  I'm so tired at this particular moment I can't even tell you.  I have tired forehead.  I need to go home and rest.  Take a bath, do some yoga and put a mud mask on.  I also - what?  I don't have much to say.  I just wanted to make sure I wrote a little bit today.  I wrote in my journal and I think I will go to a meeting and pick up that book from Barnes & Noble I have on hold.  I will go home and take care of the dog and do my best to take care of me and the apartment.  I am so tired.  I smell cigarettes here all the time.  He smokes and do I care?  NOT AT ALL I LIKE IT.  What the fuck is that?  I danced and sang a little bit here also.  I want a creative year.  Risks creatively.  I'm taking a Creative Writing class.  I have a website I would really like to be able to work on.  Do.  Have.  Stand-up.  I miss it so much and I am so scared to try again.  To REALLY try.  Is that it?  Or do I just not FEEL like it?  I just want to lay down.  Every time I waitress I think to myself "If I can work this hard at this job - I can work this hard at something I LOVE."  It's always in the back of my mind.  Okay - I straightened out the store, I drank water, I stretched, I loved, I posted on Facebook.  I'm ready for 2013.  I love you still and always Bluebers.