WOW. I just remembered I'm a liiiiiitle bit crazy.

I am completely trying to figure out if this male ballet teacher is gay or not and I can't.  I mean - I can - it seems as though he is very, quite gay but he was staaaaring at me with this really angry look on his face when I was walking out of the dance studio yesterday so now I think he loves me.  What???  What does that even mean?  Oh my GOD - thank you for giving me a sense of humor about myself.  He was slumped in front of the class in a really grumpy way with this awful grumpy intense look on his face and was watching me as I walked by and out.  He was probably doing what I do when I angrily stare at people when they are smiling and walking - wondering how the fuck they are doing that.  WOW - there are like 7 articles in the Gay City news about him and he lived in San Francisco and he's a ballerina for fuck's sake.  Not only is he gay - he is not interested in me.  Maybe he is.  Maybe he's googling me right now and wondering what I'm all about.  AM I SERIOUS????  No - not really.  Christ - I need to focus on something else.  Like LUNCH!!!!  Byeeeee Bluebers.

I just remembered I forgot who I am.

That's a hard thing to remember.  I totally forgot who I - am.  I just realized I'm not afraid of people and I'm not afraid of men.  I just remembered I'm not a wallflower and I'm not shy.  I am awkward and I get startled and flustered easily but that is something different.  I just remembered I'm strong.  Haha - okay I don't know if I believe that one.  Something about taking this ballet class has opened something up in me that has been closed for so long.  That I thought had died.  Haha - oh for fuck's sake really?  I'm going to try another class on Monday somewhere else.  I was still farty in class and it always happens right when the teacher comes over to adjust me.  Whoops!  I'm - what?  I ate almost a whole rotisserie chicken when I got home.  Plus the refrigerator/hallway light/bathroom light electric system is broken somehow.  I mean they aren't working.  They weren't working last night so I HAD to eat almost the whole chicken.  I'm joking - I only ate the legs, winf=gs and part of one breast.  So all my food is going to go bad - it already has - but I ate a lot of it this morning.  And just now I ate some blueberries.  Byeeeee Bluebie - love youuuuuu!!!!!

Self-care tip #1042.

Eat.  Drink lots of water.  Be as clean as possible and try to do this all at home where it's meant to be done - then you don't have to spend almost 13 fucking dollars on a yogurt, juice, toothpaste and toothbrush at a bodega.  I could have bought 3 toothbrushes and giant tube of all natural toothpaste and 4 yogurts at the grocery store.  Here's the blessing in the tale - I got to eat something healthy and I got to brush my teeth and now I'm not throwing bracelets across the room anymore because I'm so hungry and filled with rage and dirty teeth.  Guess what tonight is?  Ballet night!!!!  Time to heave my farting body into the air!!!  I won't be farting and burping tonight because I'm not going to eat Thanksgiving dinner before I go.  They are putting in a new restaurant a few doors down from here and one of the worker men is so cute.  Okay Blueberry - dare I say I'm more balanced now?  I LOVE you.  Bye.

Whoops.

I just farted and there's a lady in the dressing room.  Anyway - I realized to day how when I first moved in with Creepy his friend (and mine) said that I needed to heal there.  That moving in there would allow me to heal.  Which this morning I realized I was able to heal some bills and - okay - now I'm annoyed.  Why women come in here and try on 15 things that are not their size is beyond me.  I have to eat something.  Look here is my epiphany - I was able to heal my bills but I never healed my heart.  It never even occurred to me this whole time I've been reading and writing to heal my heart.  My mind is blown.  I'm so fucking annoyed right now - I'm starving and it's one of those days where women are really annoying but not buying anything.  Yesterday was an easy day - no work and plenty of buying.  Oh well.  How can I be angrily writing about trying to heal my heart?  My heart couldn't be less open right now.  Yeesh - or healed.  I guess it's not a gaping wound right now - my heart.  Draaaaaaaammmmaaaa.  It's not even noon.  I have to pee.  This woman is making me very uncomfortable.  Bye.

Balance - I just need balance.

That's it - emotional, physical and spiritual balance.  I've never thought about it really.  So much.  Add more to one's life and the balance needs to shift.  Balance.  Blueberry balance.

Ha - finally.

An older woman just came in and told me that someone who works here doesn't use deodorant and it smells VERY bad in here.  We were the only 2 in the store and I thought she was talking about some other time she was in here.  Then I realized she was talking about ME!  I said - "Oh I just ate a salad with onions - is it that??"  She says - no noooo nooooo - it is very bad.  SO I light a candle and I opened the door and then she had the balls to tell me if the onions are still here - she will take them out with her!!!  Haaaa - oh wow.  So when she was leaving she said bye and then told me she can smell the candle now and it's better and I said "Byeeeee - have a nice day!!!"  It felt like I was dealing with a 3 year old.  Take my onions - what the fuck is that?  At least it made me laugh.  She'll take my onions out with her.  Finally - I feel a little better.  Oops - now I just gave a woman 2 different sizes of the same shoe.  She left with one 9 and one 10.  Oh dear - at least it smells better in here.

My perspective is off.

I am a basket of nerves - I am so anxious and uncomfortable it's crazy.  I feel so lost and I feel so sad I'm not a Mom.  Why am I here?  Why aren't I with my family?  Why don't I have my own family?  I'm really a wreck.  I mean - I don't know - I have so much to be grateful for.  But my art is lost and I just can't seem to get it back.  I'm so confused - do I just need to accept it's gone?  I will never get that momentum back?  I'm going to stop writing right now. 

Confused. Or am I?

Lord have fucking mercy.  I woke up with a pit in my stomach and on my way to work I got into reading "Emotional Sobriety."  It's very clinical (for me) and fuck - why am I saying that like that?  I just don't feel very well psychologically.  I'm upset.  I managed to make myself dinner last night, do dishes and pack myself a lunch today.  I was able to wake up and pray & meditate and ge to work on time.  I just feel sick to my stomach and I feel like I kind of don't exist.  That's all.  Ha -  why am I saying ha - I don't mean ha - I mean - big sigh.  I don't even know if I mean that.  I have to keep reading this book and right now I am going to look up the limbic system and the cortex.  I can't believe I'm going to say this but thank GOD for this job.  I needed to get out of myself today.  I love you Bluebie.

Regression in the service of the ego.

That's what I did - that's what happened when someone showed up that I did not want to spend time with and that is what happened when that person sat opposite me at dinner and STARED at me.  I regressed in the service of my stupid fucking EGO.  How's that for a kick in the mother fucking psyche?  Fuck my ass dry what an awful experience that was and it has taken me 2 days to understand what happened and to somewhat get over it.  I had decided to not spend time with this person anymore because I can't help them and I feel like I am so pulled off myself around them it's insane, pus I feel drained and awful and - seriously - do I need to go on?  It's not good for me.  That is the nicest way to say it - it's not good for me.  Then I'm waiting for the train and they just walk up to me and follow me into a meeting and then to dinner and never once did I just leave.  I could have left.  I just got more and more upset and confused and I didn't have any fun and I had to talk to my sponsor for an hour about it and I spent all day trying to recover from it and my whole therapy session learning it's called Regression in the service of the ego.  When we regress to previous behavior instead of dealing with feelings in a more adult manner.  Barf.  Fucking so much barf.  My therapist said it's a repetition compulsion and that it's one of the hardest things to change.  WHY?  AND HOW???  How am I EVER going to do what I want before my tits are on the floor?I need to go to sleep.  I apparently have more work to do on myself.  How do I focus on the positive?  I just do - I can.  It will all be okay.  This feels so hard lately but I guess breaking lifelong and generations long habits of being victimized doesn't get fixed just because I want it to.  OUCH......fucking OUCH.  Haha - my ego hurts.  Bye Bluebie - I LOVE you.

Subtle changes....

So - I can feel and see in my thinking some subtle changes.  I mean - what am I talking about?  It's Sunday  morning and I woke up early but I wanted to get a start on my day.  I wanted to get started on living today, already.  So yesterday I realized - well - no a few days ago I realized when I am angrily helping someone or giving my time to them when I don't want to - I am not being of service to them and I'm not helping them.  More than that - I'm not helping ME.  I'm just making a pot of misery and it's so irresponsible.  If I'm trying to grow up in every way than that is one on which I need to be very aware that I play a part in.  If I don't want to be around someone than I need to take the responsibility to say no.  From a healthy, strong place.  As my sister says - just say "Oh - that's not going to work for me."  Now - what else?  So yesterday I told this woman I would met her at a meeting - much earlier than I would have normally been to because of work but I wanted to help her.  Then I saw her on the bus so we rode over and there was a detour.  Then the meeting and talking afterwards.  Guess what?  I wasn't exhausted or MAD that I spent so much time with her.  I was able to be of service to her.  She really does need help and I was able to help her.  Here's the thing - if someone doesn't have something to give me - they can't give it.  And sometimes - probably a lot of times - I don't have what someone else needs.  And me still hanging out with them but being angry about it - that's not right.  It's just not.  WOW.  How boring and mind blowing - right?  If someone needs help and all I do is feel victimized - how is that working any kind of program?  So now I'm going to do some work on releasing some shit from the past.  I asked this random guy at work if he had resentments he holds onto and he said no.  He was like "Just don't do it."  It sounds ridiculously simple.  Maybe too simple now that I'm writing it down.  Typing it down.  I like that - typing it down.  Bye Blueberry - I love you!!!

My neck, my back.....

are covered with pimples.  this didn't even happen to me when I was a teenager.  It's way gross.  I did stop body brushing once Creepy asked me to move out so maybe that's why?  Regardless I had some sort of slide so far down yesterday after I wrote on here - holy FUCK.  I could not help anyone in the store and until I finally took some Advil and drank a bunch of water I was soooooo awful - like crazy.  Anyway so I have all these neck pimples etc and I looked at the schedule for the Comedy Club and saw this cute guy was going to be there and I just - was so upset.  This is the lamest build-up to a story ever.  Okay so I looked gross, I was acting like a psycho - I didn't want this wonderful, cute, perfect man to see me like this so I decided I have to not go to work - then I realize that is insane and I go.  I needed the money and I also - it was just how it was - not a great day.  So what happens?  The guy shows up and HE looks awful.  Ha!!  He looked really tired and his hair was kind of messy and dare I say he looked bloated?  Ha - I was like - oh JESUS - I am so clueless.  I still couldn't talk to him.  I saw him - looked at him and tried to say hi but he looked past me - I looked away - then I noticed he noticed me - he seemed he was going to say hi but didn't.  Then I walked by him another time and did not say hi because I was nervous and I felt uncomfortable and he was talking to someone else anyway.  It's fun being 12 with pimples!!  So fucking ridiculous.  Well I got a lot of sleep, prayed & meditated and went for a walk/slight jog/slight sprint in the park and that was glorious.  I was only creeped out by this one couple.  How do I get my power back from that?  Those people - they are so outwardly focused and I am learning that if someone creeps me out it's because they are creepy.  I don't know how to keep my power despite that though.  Hmmm.  Riveting.  Bye Blueberry - love you.

Omg - I did it.

I went to class and it was so traumatizing, awesome and hilarious.  It was so funny.  I mean - it was about 15 grown women - all different ethnicities - all variations of awkwardness and talent level - as well as body types and it was SO crazy.  I wasn't as horrible as I thought I would be but when it came time for leg lifts and jumps I almost died.  I am literally like 25 pounds heavier than I was the last time I took a ballet class.  That's a lot more body to heave into the air.  Also I was farting and burping during the WHOLE class because I ate fried chicken fingers with BBQ sauce, mashed potatoes and corn before I went.  And an iced Americano.  My outfit looked cute!!  From the front.  Not so much from the side.  A little stomach hanging over action was going on from the side.  It felt really wonderful to be using my body and they had a real live man playing the piano - just like when I was growing up.  I can't wait to go back.  I look kind of awful today - I was so wired from it last night - so excited that I went to bed too late.  Also - this is so crazy but I just couldn't get my shit together today - it made me so uncomfortable.  It's like I'm having backlash from doing something so nice for myself.  I guess that's it.  That's so sad.  I'm also - what?  I'm tired and I have PMS.  Who cares???  I went to dance class!!!  That is the really great part!!  Hoorrraaaayyyy!!!!!  Bye Blueberry - I love you!  Ooo - I also have to say the view from the studio is so beautiful.  It's on the third floor of a building on 92nd street and 3rd Avenue and you can see out of the big bay windows the buildings and trees across the street and it is soooooo pretty and New Yorky.  In the best possible way.  Amen.

I don't mean to brag but I think my

level of self-esteem is going from a 0 (zero) to a 5 - maybe even a 10.  Out of 1000 (a thousand).  Just kidding!!!  Out of a hundred (100).  So I have been realizing lately - ugh - what haven't I realized lately?  Okay - no - really - just because someone is creepy and I get upset (and YES I am still VERY horny) at people who make me uncomfortable doesn't mean it's their fault.  I mean I am my responsibility.  This woman sat opposite me today on the train and my feelers went crazy - I was like "Okay - I can move - I don't have to be upset and just sit here."  I was freaking out and thinking she was going to keep me from meditating and anyway - I decided to sit there - I got strong in myself - focused on myself and then do you know what I realized?  Once I stopped being a victim of this woman's energy?  And I have to say she had sunglasses on and that always makes me very uncomfortable.  Well - when I noticed her movements were all over the place and I looked up at her and she had her sunglasses pushed up I realized "Oh wow - she's an alcoholic."  I mean I'm not supposed to say that - I know but I realized she's sick & suffering and it had nothing to do with me.  I know - just like everything else in the world.  I just got sad.  I'm taking this ballet class tonight and I'm scared and I want to go to sleep.  Not because I'm tired but because I don't want to do it.  I want to do it I just don't want to DO it.  BUT I'M GONNA DO IT!!!!!!  I'm going to be all suited up in my new ballet clothes and I just feel like a poser.  Real dancer's clothes are all a disaster.  Okay - really?  I have to start somewhere and I miss dancing so much it hurts.  Bye Blueberry - I love you.

I just need to get the sex ball

rolling.  Just start rolling that sex ball and then let momentum and a whole bunch of sex balling start going.  What am I - 12?  Is it because I slept naked last night?  Is it because of my back pimples?  Am I haveing a hormone rush?  Dear GOD.

List.

Here's what I want in a guy.
Cute - whatever that means.
HOT - what that means.
Sexy.
Fun. Funny.
Feels amazing and easy to be around.  I can tell is totally hot for me and my mind.
I might not mean the mind part.
Interesting?  Loves sex?
Am I serious - this list is ridiculous.
REAL.
Uh oh.
A penis?  I want a guy with a working hot penis.
Oh GOD.
I WANT A GUY WITH SEX!!!!
FUNNY SEX!!!!!

Poem.

Am I authentic?
I don't know but I want to have sex.  Soon.
I get a huge kick out of selling stuff
I just caught a look at myself in the mirror and I looked SO much brighter.
Selling.  I should sell me.
What?

Bye!!!

Clean apartment, dirty mind.......

I cleaaaaaned, did laundry, wept, changed the sheets, watched 5 episodes of New Girl and then got naked and got in my clean sheets.  I slept SO badly because I ate 9 ravioli and a thing of chocolate/peanut butter Hagen Daaz ice cream before bed.  My heart was POUNDING for an hour and a half.  The good part?  I was able to get naked.  The bad part?  Why am I eating pasta before bed?  Can you even believe this is what I am writing about?  I had so much fun cooking ( I also made fried pepperoni and scrambled eggs) and doing dishes and cleaning last night and I thought to myself "Maybe I am just boring actually a boring person - who loves doing these things?"  Then I got naked and was like - "Oh - I'm not that boring."  Then I could not sleep and when I did I just kept thinking about all these men.  I'm lying.  I was just thinking about one guy.  It was so weird - or is it?  Here's the good part - today I was thinking about my Facebook page and how I needed to make it more mysterious and - HAAAA - what?  I was like - OHHH - I need pictures where I only look intense and awesome.  Like someone will only like me if I have awesome, intense photos on Facebook.  Hahahaaa - I am really laughing right now because I can't think of anything that I am less.  Wait - I am intense and awesome and a total fucking goofball.  I have to say - I changed my mind very quickly and I found that so empowering.  I have been thinking a lot lately about getting my power back.  I mean I changed my mind about what people think about me via my Facebook page.  I just got so tired.  What am I talking about?  Here's what I want - I don't want to care what people think about me anymore and I want my fucking power back.  I also never want to straighten my bangs ever again.  Only 4 more hours of work - cool.  Bye Blueberry.

2 things.

The first - mind blowing.  I looked into my oven the other day to see what was in there and in the hopes of beginning to use it.  I felt looking inside was a good beginning.  I saw a big frying pan and a cookie drying rack and I pulled out the frying pan and in amazement realized it matched my other frying pans.  Red, non-stick pans.  I freaaaaked out at the serendipity of this and put it back in and thought to myself and said it out loud for that matter "I can't believe this - that is so weird - I can't even take it in."  I mean the events that had to take place that the people before me forgot their pan - that they bought the same kind - that that's how much I was SO MEANT to live in this apartment???  I mean - I couldn't even think about it - deal with it.  The pressure of the amazing things I must be meant to do in this apartment were over-whelming.  I put it back in the oven and decided to think about it more when I was actually going to use the oven.  Soooo for days I still haven't used the oven and for some reason tonight on the train ride home I was thinking about the frying pan and then I remembered that when I moved in and unpacked those frying pans that were in storage for 5 !/2 years I had 3 of them......then I thought - well where is that third one????  then I remembered that I couldn't fit the biggest one in the cupboard above the stove because it was so big so I put it in  THE OVEN.  WOW.  So that was not such a serendipitous occurrence.  I merely forgot that I put the fucking frying pan in the oven.  Jesus.
The second thing - so scary.  I get home from running errands and I come upon my street with lots of people - way too many people standing around and what looks like a bomb exploded out of the building where the grandpa and those cute little girls always are.  I see that the apartment is black and it looks again - like a bomb exploded out of it.  I ask what happens - someone tells me it was a fire and I look for the little girl and see her with a man and she is holding her puppy.  I ask if she's okay and she's crying and then I ask where her grandfather is and the man holding her says - he's okay - he's right there.  He says she was playing with something and somehow a fire started.  It was so fucking scary - but no one was hurt but their apartment was.  I went inside and unpacked my stuff - made phone calls and on my way to the grocery store asked if they needed anything and there was like 7 of them sitting on lawn chairs outside their building.  I realized tha there were sooo many people living in that little apartment - holy shit.  So I went to the grocery store and bought them water and snacks.  I went back and gave it to them and the lady - who I don't even know was so grateful and I had to walk away because I started to cry.  Holy fuck I'm crying right now.  It's so scary.  Everyone in that building had to leave - all the animals and people - all 6 floors.  I wasn't even gone that long at all.  I left at five and got back at 9:ish I guess?  The little girl this morning told me that I could get a free helmet at the farmer's market.  I am so glad they are okay.  I hope they have insurance.  I need a fire extinguisher.
3rd thing - appreciate life.  Bye Blueberry - I LOVE you.
p.s.  The most horrible part?  The smoke smelled so good that I went and got real hot dogs (not those disguting turkey super healthy revolting hot dogs) and made myself a hot dog.  Unbelievable.

Why aren't I Blogging out loud?

Seriously?  Am I a pussy?  Do I have commitment issues?  Am I just afraid to really be something?  I have other blog names that I have taken - but I don't write on them.  I have a fucking website for fuck's sake and you know what it says?  "HI - MORE COMING SOON!!!"  It took me a month in December to figure out how to do that?  I smell smoke - it's not as bad - it really isn't but what the fuck?  I could be making videos - anything.  I have to go to sleep.  I need to blog out loud.  I also need to accept the cigarette smoke - I guess?  I do NOT WANT TO.  That probably isn't acceptance.  Bye Blueberry!!!

Up, down, up down......

I got back from the farm yesterday and had the most wonderful trip.  I did my best to take care of myself and I got to work today and I look good, feel great after a few days on the beach and I am trying so hard to be nice to myself despite the fact that my career isn't where I want it to be.  My sister said the most brilliant thing and said I should say what I want from a career - what I want to be doing.  Right?  Write?  So I want to be having fun, be creatively fulfilled, be learning for work - lots of fun and interesting things.  I want to be stimulated and I want to be excited and I want to be physically involved as well.  I miss doing comedy so much but how the fuck am I supposed to do it?  How do I have the time?  I am in the process of freaking out right now but let's use the energy for good.  I want to be super creative and work with equally creative people who are nice and excited.  Healthy and fun.  Stimulated, using my energy well, writing, performing, creating color.  I don't know what that means but that's what I mean.  I want to take a writing workshop at the Open Center but I can't find anything anytime soon.  Ugh.  Alright - well - okay - I had such a nice trip.  It was so gorgeous - soooooo pretty and healthy and fresh.  We went to the beach 3 days in a row and had fresh corn from the garden and - lots of other wonderful things.  My sister gave me the cutest navy and turquoise striped pajamas!!!  Oh my GOD - so cute.  I feel so blessed they are so close and that I have that to go to.  Time to continue freaking out.  Byeeeee Bluebie!!!  I miss you!!!!!

What are the questions of my ancestors?

So I always feel these ghosts and I have felt FOREVER the weight of my ancestors and the questions they needed answered.  But I don't know what those questions are.  How can I answer the ghosts questions if I don't know what the questions are?  I'm just saying.  Jeez.  Bye.  Clearly I'm bored at work.  Bye again.  I would still want to know what the questions are even though I'm bored at work - just to be clear.  Bye again.

Hate & Forgiveness.

Look I have hated Creepy for years for being Creepy and for not providing me for what I wanted from him.  Although it makes sense it's not fair.  I have hated Larni for taking advantage of me - but I let him and part of the reason why I let him was because I wanted him to do for me what I couldn't do or wasn't willing to do for myself.  This blog is about recovering from being a drunk but from also being a douche.  I'm in douche behaving recovery.  Ugh - but it's true.  Time to forgive them and me and time to stop caring what they think.  Why do I care what they think?  Is it passion?  Why am I writing this?  Is this helping anyone?  What the fuck am I doing?  Why would I care what they think when I am resentful of them?  This needs to be unbraided.  Untwisted, released, unplugged, let go of, cleaned up, forgotten.  I have got to have better things to think about and use my energy towards.  Plus it's so ugly and unnecessary.  I want freedom and I can't have freedom tethered to these nasty feelings.  JESUS!  Bye Bluebie - love you.  Okay - p. fucking s. they were douchey themselves and that sucks and I have every right to be upset about that.  Well - look has has let go.  Not.  Hate and then FORGIVE.  AHHHHHHHH - f.

Got up late for work BUT.......

(how's that for a teaser title???) - anyway - I got up so late - and I went to bed early but - well I wasn't hung over - I didn't do anything WRONG - I must have just been tired and I did NOT get upset at myself.  I made my lunch, took care of the dog - put on a cute dress, washed my face and went to work.  I am literally doing the best I can.  When I did wake up all I wanted to do was write, write write.  I can feel some kind of cellular healing happening now that I am in my own apartment.  I also - I don't know - I'm confused now that these women are here in the store........I just realized how hard it has been for me to love myself.  Or even for that matter to like myself or EVEN be kind and forgiving to myself.  Ugh - it's so true that saying - I would never treat anyone else the way I have treated myself.  What am I talking about?  I'm trying to be profound - that has never worked in the history of ever - ever.  I'm just so grateful to finally be beginning to live a sober life.  That struggle of - oh I slept late because I got high - I drank - I was hung over yesterday - blah blah blah - I don't have to fight that fight and now I can start to live.  I think I used to get hung over from being at Creepy's.  I had the weirdest dream last night about walking around this camp - like a ghost sort of - it was some sort of healing camp - rehab - I don't know.  There was this man laid out on some sort of swing - stomach down and he had on a mask and people were pushing him back and forth and saying "Trust!  Trust!!"  I was walking around underneath him while he swang staring up at him - it was so odd.  Then the swing stopped and they took off the mask and looked at him with anxious anticipation.  WEIRD.  I can also say this - being a victim is boring - hating myself is boring just like getting drunk got boring.  Trying to figure out what is going to happen is boring - trying to MAKE something happen is boring - I'm bored of being bored and being unhealthy is boring.  Okay - whatever - I just went to the bathroom and got filled with rage for some reason.  I guess it's not THAT boring yet.  Bye Bluebs.

I almost shit my dress at work today.

And I mean that literally.  I made myself beans on toast last night for dinner - which was so much FUN and then today - I don't know - the combinations of too many customers for too long and too much water plus the credit card machine wouldn't work so I was giving people clothes before I had really charged them - it was crazy - and then - I almost shit my dress.  The bathroom is under the dresing room and this woman was in there for soooooo long and finally I said "I'm sorry - do you mind if I just go to the bathroom - under where you are?"  She came out with her dress half on and the shirt she was trying on and she was like "Sure - sure - leeet me just get myself together here...."  She was so nice about it - but honestly I was able to help her and I had let her in the day before even though we were closed and she came back today.  Also - wouldn't you rather let someone go to the bathroom if they ask to?  Who would say that unless they REALLY needed to go.  Then she bought stuff!  It all worked out and I got the credit card machine working again.  I just made myself rice & beans for dinner and it was soooooo fucking good.  And FUN!!  And fast.  Holy fuck.  It takes just as much time to make food as it does to order it.  I can't believe how different my life is not at Creepy's.  I feel such bliss from being able to make myself rice & beans.  Then I went to the grocery store and got a new salad dressing holder, stuff to clean salad dressing etc. stains and ice cream.  I feel like a millionare.  I feel like I am leading the most amazing life.  All because I can freely make myself inexpensive food and I don't have to be stared at while I do it - I don't have to share it but MORE THAN THAT - I don't have to hear weird bullshit stories about the Dali Lama and Richard Gere.  Okay - wow - back to the positive.  We are all equal in the eyes of God.  I have to really think about that.  Me, Creepy, Angelina Jolie and that revolting man at the grocery store just now, are all equals in the eyes of God.  I really need to take that in.  Bye Blueberry!!!  Love you!!!

Salad Dressing Everywhere.

That should be the name of my book.  What book?  My book of poetry.  Great - let's write a poem.

Made my lunch and I felt perfect.
I got to work and there was salad dressing everywhere.
I cleaned it up and shopped for boots.
I didn't buy boots but I did fall apart.
Why do I hate all my old friends?
Why do I hate someone for posting 75 times a day on Facebook?
Why do I hate - why do I hate salad dressing?
I used to have a roommate that smelled like salad dressing
she had herpes
that didn't have anything to do with the salad dressing smell
she just liked to cover herself with olive oil
I'm uncomfortable and now I am wearing salad dressing
But it was a mistake.
I feel like I'm floating on my back in the ocean only - I'm at work.
Why am I sad?
I'm so worried about my job
I dropped the ball - I dropped the beach ball at my job and now I feel like I'm on a sad empty beach alone.
The bus out side says "Def Only" on it.
That probably doesn't mean what I think it does.
Oh poetry - you are so loose.
Just like my vagina used to be.
Only now I'm sober and my vagina is closed.  Just like the salad dressing container SHOULD
have been.  BYE.

Taking a break to drink some water.

Work has been crazy today - I got here and we had an inspection yesterday because the tax was set wrong and I was on the phone for 4 hours with Quickbooks.  The first guy - I could tell right away he didn't understand what I was saying - haha and then he discovered a different problem that he really wanted to fix and then changed EVERYTHING on the computer - because I had let him take control over it - and then I was like - UMMM - can I get someone else and he said "No."  Haha - it was insane.  He told me to figure out what I wanted and then call back.  Haa - seriously?  So I did call back and that guy fixed it in 10 minutes.  But the owner is not happy and for the life of me I can't figure out how these things happen.  Anyway it was very stressful and nerve wracking but I did it and I also went in and changed almost every single piece of jewelry to the correct tax code.  Trying to sell dresses while you are yelling on the phone to India is not easy I tell you.  The first guy was annoyed every time I said I had a customer!!  Piece of work that guy.  Okay yesterday I finally cleaned in.  The apartment is almost looking cute!!  It's definitely cleaner and more functional and my bedroom is cute.  The new sheets and pillows are awesome and I even took a bath and put on a mud mask.  I cleaned, washed, did laundry, went grocery shopping, walked in the park TWICE, cooked food, trimmed my plant, walked the dog 3 times - WOW.  It was fun.  I was so fucking overstimulated by the end of the night it was crazy.  I organized my files, threw out tons of receipts and mail....dishes.....everything.  Plus I drank water.  If I had sex and got to lay on a couch my life would have been mind blowingly good to me.  Really?  Hahahhaaaa - I'm not really laughing but I kind of am.  Lay on a couch - I haven't layed on a couch in years.  The couch at Creepy's creeped me out so much.  Ewww.  Oh - he didn't/doesn't want to be creepy.  But he is!!  During one of my walks in the park yesterday there was a group of nanny's and little kids - toddlers.  This one little girl had taken this little boy's hat and he was chasing her saying "Give me back my hat!!  You took my hat - give it back to me!!"  And she stopped - I'm not even kidding you - this little 3 year old - MAYBE 4 but probably not - she was little - she goes - with this sly little look on her face and her head titled - she says "Make me..."  And then she runs away laughing.  Ha!  I was like - well there you go - that's her personality and his.  He totally chased her!!  It was so cute.  I was like - wow - I have to take a page from her book - she's got it all figured out AND she's having fun!!  Okay - time to focus on the rest of this tax jewelry.  Byeeee Bluebie!!

Dick start to my day but it has gotten better.

I woke up annoyed and got grumpier when I couldn't find the sleeve for my phone and I was SO pissed and was blaming my friend for it going missing.....which is ridiculous - she wasn't even around.  I have misplaced this thing SO many times and places and I thought for sure this time it was gone.  I couldn't find it in the apartment and I finally decided to just walk the dog - look for it while I walked her - which is where I was sure I lost it last night and then I walked myself.  Then I found it after I walked - and sprinted in the park.  I found it right where I thought it probably was after I calmed down from walking.  Jesus.  I prayed while I was walking - and SPRINTING!!!  How fun is that?  I keep doing my running behind this fence because I don't want anyo0ne to see me and I have on a skirt and I feel dumb and today there was this black guy sitting on a bench behind the fence.  It was so awkward.  I was walking and then twice when I got to him I started sprinting.  I was like - oh this so seems so odd - like I'm afraid of this guy behind the fence so I run till I'm far enough past him.  Anyway - it was awesome.  I was being so nasty to people - I didn't have any coffee and I wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet but I really needed to get out of the house and walk.  This one hard core dyke - while I was walking the dog - she was like - in this Russian accent "She can't see you??  She can't see you?  She can't hear - see you?"  Meanwhile I had already walked past her and so she's yelling this to my back.  Plus that accent is so confusing - even when they are being nice it sounds like they are being mean.  So I tried talking to her and  her and her dog are standing in the same way - exactly - legs spread really far apart and hips low - and she was smiling with really bad teeth and I was so confused.  So I was answering her but annoyed and then she's like "Yeah - she's a sweetheart."  Ugh - so I said thanks your dog is cute too and then kicked my dog by mistake while I was trying to get away from her.  Oh dear.  Dick start but I went and got groceries - found the sleeve of my phone and now I can do laundry.  BYE BLUEBS.

Blogging life.....

I'm writing here before I write in my journal in the hopes of being more authentic.  Why more authentic - how about just authentic?  I saw the cutest guy at work last night and he said hi and I turned beet red.  Isn't that fun?  I'm serious too - it was ridiculous but it was fun.  I certainly do not lack in attraction to men.  So even though I'm not with one - at least I know I like them - a lot - and a lot of them.  I feel a llittle exhausted today - work was so busy and so hot last night.  But it was better - much better.  I am reading Writing Down The Bones and I feel like it's inspiring me.  Oh dear - this feels authentic but boring.  Oh well - I suppose a healthy life is boring sometimes - hopefully.  I'm having coffee, my sponsor called me and sounded okay - so I will call her later.  Did I say on here how we got into a - I don't now what you would call it.  A tiff?  Who cares - I did what I never do which is let it go for a couple of days.  Who knew that that is the right thing to do sometimes.  Not in a fuck you kind of way either - just in a "This is only going to be explosive so let's let it go until some of the fire goes out of it."  Fire isn't the right word - the negative energy?  The combative energy.  There we go.  Jesus.  Gotta gooooo Bluebs - my computer isn't working well right now - this is super frustrating.

Soooooooo.........

I had a dream last night that I had moved into a new apartment and then I realized there was an extra giant room and an extra kitchen space AND an extra bathroom - with a man in it.  The room was soooo big and not that clean but not dirty - sort of like a big dance space or a dance studio more like and I was so afraid of it.  I also was confused about the kitchen and I didn't want to have to move my silverware again.  I have had one reoccurring dream in my life about extra rooms in my house - always in the back - very beautiful spacious, interesting, clean rooms.  But this wasn't that same house and I don't remember being afraid of the rooms before.  Afraid isn't the right word - apprehensive - I was apprehensive of these rooms and I didn't want to deal with cleaning them out.  Even though they weren't that dirty.  So fucking psychological.  I'm on some level - either - I just don't like any kind of change - at all - an/or I'm a little bit lazy - OR - I have no idea what is going on and it was just a dream.  Either way I'm glad to know (if everything in the dream is us) that I have an extra room and an extra bathroom.  Time to pay my rent and do the last leg of this cleaning in.  Moving cleaning.  I'm calling it Cleaning In.  I like that.  That's what I'm doing before work today - cleaning in.  Bye Blueberry!!!

Okay - wow.

So crazy - I'm so - crazy - or not - I don't know.  I am going through something.  My best friend moved away - I moved out of that crazy house - my jobs are so far away - I'm not in class and - well - I'm broke.  Broken.  Am I?  I live here because I still want to to chase my dream - because the life I have made for myself is here.  I miss the beach - I miss my family - I miss fresh air.  I'm so uncomfortable.  It feels like layers of things are going away.  What?  I can't explain it - I'm having so many FEELINGS.  How is it fucking possible for me to have MORE feelings than I already do?  If I had in confidence what I have in FEELINGS - I could do anything I wanted to.  Christ all fucking mighty.  I guess that's why this is hard.  I'm not making sense really.  I'm eating yogurt with berries and gound flax and I prayed & meditated - in earnest this morning.  This is a good start to my day.  I'm also going to extra therapy tonight.  Extra therapy.  Thank God - and OH my God.  I want to live my dream.  Oh boy.  Bye Blueberry - I love you.

I'm just over-stimulated, overly sensitive AND

exhausted.  All I need is to get in shape, start eating healthy, get tons of rest and quit drinking coffee.  THAT'S ALL!!!  THEN I WILL BE FINE!!!!  Jesus - I'm going to stop writing but I do believe I just need an overhaul health wise.  Plus sleep and getting past my fear of it.  If I didn't have such creepy dreams it would be easier to want to fucking sleep.

I feel so sick to my stomach.

I feel like I'm doing something wrong and I really am questioning this whole sobriety thing.  I mean - I am miserable - this is insane.  I put myself to bed early last night after I cleaned and grocery shopped and I had the worst dreams and now I feel so upset.  I'm not sure what is going one - maybe I am just going through something.  It was so scary to put myself to sleep.  I think maybe I am addicted to the drama of not sleeping enough.  I was able to wake up, walk the dog and get ready in a clean bathroom and somehow that was just TORTURE.  I don't understand at all what is going on.  I'm just hoping this is another layer of - crap.  I mean whenever people tell me they are going crazy in early sobriety I really believe they are getting sober.  I'm just not having any fun - I'm just tired and over it.  Okay - well - I wish I could say this is PMS but it's not.  I just am having a crap day and someday I will feel pretty and sexy again and have fun.  I'm so fucking bored and I'm just mad.  FUCK.  I am so grateful for my family and I know people have it so much worse but I don't feel alive.  This just can not be where the buck stops.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

I have already had to talk myself off the negative mountain so many times today and I did it but I am freaking out.  I don't have sex - although every night and every morning I here the people above me having sex.  I hear their bed having sex - not voices.  Today was quite rhythmic and fast I must say.  Jesus - I just can't seem to get it together.  What am I doing?  Does this make any sense?  Am I doing something wrong?  Should I just be throwing myself out there - getting a man and having a baby?  I got so excited about going back to school and then the more research I did the more it seemed completely insane - completely expensive.  I'm getting old fast and I am FAT.  What?  Okay - I'm not that old and I'm not that fat.  I am however bored - AND OH MY GOD - SEE????  Why is every man I'm attracted to gay or taken?  Am I really going to be a spinster?  Last night I heard more shall be revealed.  That is true - I know it's true.  Um - wow.  Maybe I should look at a year ago today on this blog.  I know I'm less angry.  I moved.  Um - I got a raise.  Last night when I was upset and thinking about how someone didn't understand me I had a revelation that it didn't matter if they understood or what they think (really what I think their thinking) - what matters is how I feel and taking care of myself.  AMAZING.  Okay - I'm going to look at a year ago.  WOW - that was fascinating.  Okay - I wished I had a tub in that post.  It was from August 1st, 2011 and I wished I had a tub and I do now.  I have a tub and although there is a little bit of cigarette smoke it is not NEARLY at the level of at Creepy's place - not at all.  I'm going to go home tonight and super clean my new apartment.  I have unpacked everything and now I'm going to super clean and go for a walk in the park.  Yesterday when I was here at the store I did lunges and I'm going to do that also.  I also read a post where I wrote about how life is like a bicycle and that unless you keep moving you fall off.  Balance - right?  It's all about balance.  I went home last night instead of going out with people so I could get a decent night's sleep and I did.  It was hard and it made me sad to go home but I did it and sleeping is so important.  I need my sleep and I've never really let myself sleep that much and I am going to commit to that right now.  I am ALWAYS reading how to eat healthy, how to take care of myself - ALL these things to do and guess what one of them always is and is FREE?  Sleeping.  I'm going to do lunges, practice acceptance and breathe and call people.  The I am going to go home and take care of myself and get a great night's sleep.  Bye Blueberry - thank you for being here for me!!