Weekend.

I saw War Horse which was soooo beautiful and intense - what a gorgeous show.  I spent Sunday with my dearest friend, Monday I babysat, Saturday I worked, Friday I spent time with peeps and - what else?  Oh on Saturday I went to see my cousin and her family.  I grocery shopped, cleaned - everyhting and then on Monday I cleaned out my closet and got rid of 2 bags of stuff.  One of which is still sitting outside my door.  But I really decluttered everything and it feels great.  I'm really doing this Prosperous Heart work and it's giving me a lot of clarity.  I had class last night and - well in the vein of having a good attitude I will just say that the part I'm working on right now is not so JUICY buuuuut I really like my scene partner and it's just different that's all.  So - okay - cool.  I'm at work and I just ate an omelet and Flash Dance is playing on the radio.  I guess it's really "What a Feeling."  Hahahaaa - that made me laugh for some reason.  So this famous wife of this famous actor came in here yesterday and she farted so bad as she was leaving I seriously looked around to see if her dog took a shit in the store.  Even famous people do it!!  Go figure.  It helped me to not overeat my lunch - that's for sure - TOTALLY lost my appetite.    She was really nice and her daughter was so cute.  So was the dog!!  Okay - bye Bluebers!!

AMAZING (I'm serious!!!)

She still hasn't paid me (I know) but GUESS WHAT?  I asked her about it and it turns out she THOUGHT I DID GET PAID.  If I hadn't asked her (encouraged STRONGLY by Lady Wonder) - I would have freaked out all weekend.  Turns out she made it automatic so I wouldn't be paid late but they thought it started next week.  That being said - okay - number one - hello communication - that's why it works.  Second - I never took money from the cash box - I didn't need to - I didn't starve or was ANYWHERE close to it AND - holy fuck this is the craziest part - I MADE SO MUCH MONEY TONIGHT AT WORK.  I'm not kidding you - more than I make on a Saturday - most of the time.  And as the last customer was leaving she gave me another $20.00.  How sweet was that?  I sure as fuck am getting clarity.  I did the right thing and it worked out.  Not only that but I didn't play victim and - well - okay - I just did the right thing.  I also had an okay attitude.  What?  I also fucking completely detoxed from coffee from not getting any Starbuck's for 3 days.  Wait - I had coffee here at home - and brought it with me.  FUCK - I'm such a liar.  I also realized I was completely white knuckling it until I get more money - I'm so addicted to money- to drama - I really am - and it's not necessary - at all.  Hmmmm.  Okay - so I suppose this is still boring but I am fascinated - better thinking - better actions - this is the first time I'm really seeing a correlation - it seems undeniable to me.  NOW WHEN DO I GET TO HAVE FUN HEALTHY SEX??  Ew.  Bye Bluebs.

Sooo - the boring saga continues.....

She still hasn't paid me (I said this was boring) but I have gotten more exercise and saved more money these last 3 days - than - I would have if she paid me on time.  Here's the thing - it's not her fault I'm bad with money.  And I'm SO much better than I used to be!!  I'm also realizing my attitude sucks.  I woke up so late and I was PISSED again that there was no money in my account but I ALWAYS wake up pissed - for real - and late for that matter.  I mean come on.  I read the next chapter of The Prosperous Heart this week - finishing it last night before I went to bed and guess who doesn't have a prosperous heart?  I think maybe I used to?  Or maybe I have one under a layer of coal?  I'm not sure.  I do know that I can not blame this woman who I work for for my existential angst.  It's rainy today and I walked to the subway at 125th and Park - it's about a 30 minute walk - awesome.  I'm eating a green apple and I brought coffee I made at home.  I have enough money to but a big bottle of water and I brought nuts, nut bars and a bag of quinua clusters.  What are they?  I have no idea - we will see.  Oh and dried cherries!!  I love dried cherries.  So what the fuck?  I can get a job somewhere else - I can move - I have options - I'm free and I have talents.  I sold over $2000 yesterday.  Look - I don't like looking at this - but the reality is - I'm still twisted up - I need to untangle this tangle and it's not her fault.  That being said - Jesus - I really wanted to take money out of the cash box but I didn't.  I refuse to act poorly because she hasn't paid me.  At some point when I'm not as angry I will have to say something.  Maybe.  Christ.  Byeeee Bluebie.

Chriiiiiiist!

She still hasn't paid me and now I have had to learn the hard lesson of - what?  I don't even want to write about it.  I had to use change the last 2 days and today I was PISSED.  Except I learned something - it take almost the same amount of time to take a cab as the subway.  Oops.  I also made myself a sandwich the last 2 days and brought an apple and saved myself 400 dollars.  Just kidding - well at least 20 - in food - maybe - 5000 in calories.  MORE ($) - I'm such a fucking liar!!  JESUS.  I can't - I have to go to bed - a good night's sleep and tomorrow is a new beautiful day.  Bye Bluebie.

I got an ice cream cone tonight.

I left the meeting and class got cancelled and I saw a Mister Softee truck and I got excited.  I had $4.25 in quarters in my pocket and I got a $3.00 cone and I walked over and sat in front of Bergdorf Goodman and the Paris theatre and ate it.  It was the most serene, peaceful moment of my day.  Vanilla ice cream dipped in that chocolate shell.  While I sat there I tried to figure out who was undercover cops and who were just people.  It was so fucking delicious - perfect.  While the guy in the ice cream truck was waiting for the chocolate dip to dry he looked at me and raised his eye brows - really funny but serious - like 'oh this is taking forever - this is so ridiculous."  In a nice way though - odd.  He seemed completely non-plussed by my $1.00 tip in quarters - ha - of COURSE he was.  That being said now that I think about it - HE was probably the one who actually WAS and undercover cop.  So I had a day - and at the end of the day I got an ice cream cone and I came home and held my dog who was SO sweet to me.  I just watched her eat and I swear to God - I can't stand someone eating 10 feet away but I love the way this dog eats and the way she sounds when she chomps.  It's so fucking cute.  I realized as I walked home also how much I miss being funny - going out and doing shows.  Maybe it's over - I'm SO TIRED.  That being said I think if I pretend Princess Boris is Ryan Gosling smoking under my window - I might actually not feel as victimized.  I'm going to seriously try that because all the passive aggressive shit I am doing is not working.  Might as well lie to myself!!  Goodnight Bluebs.

Hi.

Okay - I'm going to do it - I'm going to start writing on my twitter page again.  Fuck it - why not?  Christ - it's making me nervous - haha - whyyy?  Jesus - I swear to GOD.  I read the play for class tonight, worked with my scene partner, prayed, meditated, I've gone to meetings, made phone calls, called people back, wrote in my journal, washed my face, taken showers, was nice to the CUNT lady who came in here and demanded - what - I don't know - she wasn't a cunt to me as much as just a cunt in real life.  What?  Fuck I lost my focus.  I'm working, working, working on myself, therapy, ALL OF IT.  Christ.  Now if I can just figure out how to have sex without getting emotionally attached.......hmmmmmmmm.  I don't think so either.  Time to put some clutches into the computer and out on the floor.  HA - HOW AWFUL IS THAT?  Grateful for the job.  Bye Bluebie!!

Venus In Fur.

Saw this and it was so fucking great.  The part that was the most amazing to me was that my teacher said she was a fantastic actress - and she is - as is the other man in the production.  HOWEVER - she isn't a Shakespearean or serious actress - at all.  She was HUGE!!!  I'm still so surprised - she was funny, wacky - nuts.  So focused and authentic - fucking fantastic.  But what was really fucking great was the writing - su-fucking-perb.  That's what I was thinking while I was watching it - this writing is so great - how fun to get to deliver those lines.  As I went to sleep last night though I remembered this cheesy movie I saw and how Jack Nicholson was in it and his lines seemed so much more amazing than everyone elses.  He was clearly the best actor by far and for some reason - even though the writing for the most part seemed sucky - his lines were SO great.  What is that?  Is that just great acting?  I really did think the writing was so great yesterday - maybe is was a combo of both.  So inspiring.  I think I might write a new blog - one that is public - one where I don't just talk about being sober.  Maybe it's time to grow in that direction.  I guess I could also just write on my twitter page.  Hmmmm - something to think about.  A positive way to use my energy.  Okay - so I also watched Crash last night - SO good.  I love acting.  I absolutely love it.  Some people love heart surgery and that's what they learn and read about right?  Okay - love you Bluebie.

Authenticity.

I just want to be authentic and I'm not - not really.  Sometimes I am but more often than not I am TRYING to be authentic - how ridiculous is that.  Yeesh - so anyway - that's what I'm thinking about today.  How to have a prosperous heart, be grateful, be clear - you know - have clarity which I guess means dwell in reality (another thing I am NOT good at) and be authentic.  So fucking hard.  Such simple beautiful things and they have alluded me for so long.  Well here's the great part - at least now I know when I'm in my head, when I'm not authentic, when I'm being coo-coo pants for the most part.  It's something to work towards right?  It's all about having a better attitude.  So - sooooooo - hooray!!  It's a beautiful day!!  Okayskies bye Bluebie. 

Take II

I also have to say that I went to do my monologue and although I had totally typed it up and was so proud of myself for doing that and picking out a great costume - I did no other work on it and it was - ridiculous.  It was hilarious!!  That's for sure but it was not - what he wanted.  I'm still sort of like - well of course.  It's so strange.  Why would I do that?  I wasn't upset because everyone was laughing so hard but - still - he said - if I had signed a contract and was supposed to do this character 8 times a week - that would just not work.  Right.  Clarity.  Responsibility and clarity.  Bye Bluebie.

Class was so fantastic last night.

He read us two different things - the first was by George Bernard Shaw and it went along the lines of acting inspiring us to be more interested in human psychology and the workings of being human than we would have been otherwise.  I'm sure that isn't at all what the quote - written passage actually - was at all about but that's what I got out of it.  I was so struck by realizing that my fascination with psychology and acting go hand in hand and that maybe I wouldn't even have wanted to know how I, my psyche and others psyches work if I weren't first fascinated by acting.  I found it so intriguing.  And inspiring.  The other thing he read us was an early autobiography by Sam Shepard.  He was saying his favorite word and saying that he never wanted to be a writer but rather a rock star.  My teacher wouldn't make me a copy of it and I can't find it online.  So fascinating.  It made me realize how much I love words.  What words do I love?  Hmmmm.  I do love hmmmm.  Love, pickles, thrill, ass, turd, fuck, love, trees, please, thank you....I'm not sure.  I found it so inspiring and I can't even remember what he said.  I love that he reads us all this old stuff - this was written in 1971.  When I was born - what??  Okay - so I bought myself one of the cheap ticket seats to a show on Sunday afternoon - a Broadway show.  I want to seriously figure out what the fuck I am doing now.  Shake it off, move forward.  Get inspired - figure out some serious goals and just leave the past where it belongs - in the past.  I think maybe one of the reasons I was such a mess last week was that I did some things to take care of myself and there was backlash from that.  But now - I made it past that and I'm in a better place.  Gross - if I drank - that would not have happened.  So sickening to think about.  Okay - bye Bluebie - love you.

Amazing....

I had the worst weekend - managed to not drink and do drugs and I CRIED because I wanted to so badly and now that I'm on the other side I feel so much better.  Does that sound crazy?  It feels crazy to write.  I had an infection in my finger and I was so worried that I totally took way too much aspirin and gave myself tinnitus.  I had constant loud ringing in my head - it was in-fucking-sane - for 2 days.  Thank fucking God for google.  I'm such a fucking addict that I od'd on aspirin.  I just didn't want the infection to spread and it seemed so bad.  I was soaking it in vinegar also and that can cause the tinnitus.  I was taking acetaminophen and aspirin - tons of it.  Oh my God - anyway - I kept going to meetings, listening to phone meetings and I slept.  Sleeping with ringing in your head - not so fun but I did it.  Today I went to therapy and my therapist was so nice to me and I realized that I can't get out of these situations I'm in unless I realize exactly where I am.  I also learned that the repetition compulsion isn't something I should beat myself up over since I'm not doing it - it's my subconscious.  I'm not making any sense but I am.  I went to a different meeting tonight - I just don't think I can keep going to that same big one - I always fart during it and then I leave feeling bad.  This one tonight??  No farting and I left feeling AWESOME.  Two totally cute dudes checked me out as I walked home and ran my errands.  How about that shit?  I can't keep getting mad at people for being them - it's not fair.  But I also can't keep going to places where they are and being mad they are there.  What?  Hellooooo I'm moving on.  Positive is more interesting and positive is where the growth is and positive is  more scary and feels like less control.  I think there was a famous dude in that meeting tonight - how cool is that?  I think he checked me out too - made me nervous.  I had an Epiphany today - someone somewhere took a shit in their pants and someone still loved them madly in a really beautiful, hot, romantic way.  Maybe not right at the second they shit their pants - but still - maybe.  Regardless - even though they shit their pants - someone still thought they are amazing.  Not because of the shitting - but despite it.  That's love.  Bye Bluebers - here's to you and you shitting your pants if you want to!!

Soooo - did I tell you how

she came into the store and said she can NEVER give me another raise again?  That THAT"S THE MOST anyone in retail gets paid??  Really now.  How fucking hilarious is that?  She was going on and on about how people on Park Avenue don't get paid this much and then I just said "Okaaay - well thank you" and she said - I'm not fucking kidding - "You're welcome!!  I'm happy to do it.  But never again - just to be clear."  Hahaaa - well - um - really?  No one who helps run someones business gets paid more than this?  How about people who work on commission?  Give me a fucking break.  And guess what?  I still haven't gotten paid this week.  She is really one of those people who is like - what is WRONG with everyone - for real.  I don't know - I guess I can seriously take breather and not work so hard?  Too late - I already sold THOUSANDS of dollars worth of stuff this week.  Yeesh - well she did say I was doing a great job.  Um - seriously - thank you.

Princess Boris tried to choke

Creepy last night.  They got in another big fight.  Yeesh.  Creepy was just grabbing his throat this morning and saying "I'm surprised I don't have bruises..."  alllll dramatic and rubbing his throat.  Jesus - now he's choking him??  There's GUESTS staying there - they are on vacation and someone is slamming doors, being wasted and trying to choke the owner of where they are staying.  I was almost about to get this dog too.  What does that have to do with anything??  Nothing - except my clock is donging so loud and this is how I got my first dog to begin with!!  You have to see this dog - she's a Chinese Crescent and she is SOOOOOO cute.  She looks like my dog only with 2 eyes and a toupee!!  Sooo fucking cute.  On another note there was just a woman in here who just told me she has cancer, showed me the oral surgery she just got done - twice - twice she showed me and then told me all about her bad experience at Bloomingdales.  She's also from the deep South even though she has the THICKEST Jewish accent I have ever heard and she must have repeated 25 times that "She bought the one in pink, in pink - I bought the one in pink - last year - I got the one in pink - I came back and got the one in pink."  That whole thing she kept saying over & over.  She also works at the hospital.  Um - yeeash - what the FUCK??  Oh - right and she's 53.  Sage please!!  I heard a girl say that the other night and it was GENIUS.  Okay - well - um - never a dull moment.  Bye Bluebie!!  I loooove you!!

Take 3.

So I was thinking - I know - I know but I was thinking that I was sad because I have been in the position of being a victim for a long, long time in my life.  Now I have the chance to not be one and I can see that I have a choice.  I think that makes me sad somehow because I don't think I actually know how to do that.  So - there you go.  I'm soooo tired now - this day has felt so long already!!  I got a new coral lipstick though and it is so pretty!!  Pretty coral!!  What - okay - I'm going to stare out the window and analyze myself more - bye.

Oh My Blog!!

She gave me the raise!!  Ha - starting the next pay period - haaaaa.  Why am I writing haaaaa - I'm not laughing.  Now I feel like I am going to have to stress for two weeks to see if she will remember.  Well - I suppose that is life.  She said I'm doing a great job and that I deserve the raise.  I should have asked for more!!  Really?  Jesus - okay - well - so there you go - huh.  Weird.  Bye Bluebers.

Soooooo....

I woke up sad and I got here to the store on time but I couldn't walk the dog.  I just feel like - in my gut - it's really time to give this up.  I mean - what am I doing?  I do not love being here or even like it.  She completely ignored my email yesterday about asking for a raise.  So I suppose she didn't pay me on time either.  Well here's the thing - I tried my best - I really did.  I said I wouldn't let myself stop until I tried everything and I said this time around I would see what return I got and the answer has been - well - nothing has happened.  Okay so I had to stop writing because a woman just came in and spent 2000 in 20 minutes.  Un - fucking - believable.  How do I feel better now?  That's so crazy.  Okay I just realized I'm not being clear about the fact that I'm talking about acting.  Um - I can't take myself seriously right now - I have PMS.  Um I do also feel like - well - wherever I go - there I am.  What?  Ha - I sound ridiculous.  Okay - time for bed!!  Just kidding - I'll   be here all day!!  Bye Bluebie.

I just read my last title as I logged in here

and I realized how now I need to practice the positive thinking more in regular life also.  Here's the other thing - all my morning daily readings today talked about having anger but dealing with it in a more positive way.  Just aim in out - not at other people.  I guess feel it and get it OUT but it doesn't have to be abusive towards other people.  Okay - SO.  I asked my boss for a raise.  I did it.  I did something for myself and it only took 25 discussions and 3 months to do.  Ha!!  Ohhh and there is a dead bird in the kitchen.  I guess their poor birds keep dying and one died Friday night and it has been in a little box on top of the counter for 3 days now.  Last night they added flowers to the box.  I asked why the birds keep dying and Princess Turd said because they didn't give them vegetables.  Awwww - he was so sad - isn't that awful?  Those poor birds in that ornate, huge bird cage and they were hungry!!  He said they thought it didn't matter!!  Poor little rich birds.  On another note - how fucking GROSS is it that they have a dead bird in the kitchen??  Can you imagine?  I am SO glad I do not cook in there anymore.  Right on top of the dishwasher counter.  Fucking - A.  Alright - gotta goooooo Bluebie!!!  Byeeeee.

Day one of better thinking at work....

I wasn't supposed to work all the shows and then I just kept thinking to myself "It's fine - I will be fine - I will make the money I need to make."  Then someone was really late and my sections got switched so I got to work.  Amazing!!  Then in the second show I got this HUGE party that was upset about where they were sitting AND they had moved the tables so that I really couldn't get past them very well.  I heard one of them as I first tried to get by say "UGH - this is going to SUCK ASS!!"  Haha - so I just was like "Listen - this isn't going to suck ass - it's going to be fine - I want you guys to have a good time - to have fun!!"  I even asked them if they would move the table back and then I said no - just leave it if it makes you happy - it's totally fine.  They ended up being really nice and they really did have fun.  Then this other table said they weren't getting anything - they were pissed too about where they were sitting and they wanted to eat a shit ton of food and they had this little table and I said to just get 2 things and how that's a lot of food anyway - they were so happy and I'm not kidding you the guy tipped me 50 bucks.  I swear to GOD even 2 weeks ago I would have thought the door guys were fucking with me giving me these awful people and I would have been such a bitch to ALL of them and resented them and on and on.  Maybe the door guys were fucking with me or they were mean to them or whatever but those people were paying ME money - what right do I have to be a bitch??  So - huh - it was an interesting experiment to have a better attitude.  I should say to BEGIN to have a better attitude because I'm not stopping.  Love you Bluebie!!

A night off.....

and I felt so abundant.  I walked through the park with a friend and it was soooo beautiful and the super moon was gorgeous.  The buildings and the blooming trees were SO pretty - so, so pretty.  It's so crazy - I went to the diner with people after the meeting, walked after the meeting and then walked through the park and got a Limonata and it felt so abundant.  I didn't work or make money or push myself and it was so pleasant.  I came home and did the first chapter of The Prosperous heart which I really love.  Okay - so I am forging on with my changing my negative thought patterns to positive ones.  There has to be a lightness to it I guess.  Even though the negative ones are there and my default has just been to be negative but I just stop and change it.  I can feel a slight tectonic shift happening in me.  Hmmmm - interesting.  Bye Bluebers!!

Attitude Adjustment.

I went to work last night and at first it did seem like everyone hated me and I just accepted it and decided to breathe - to just breathe - so I did.  Then it occurred to me (and seriously - how fucking ridiculous is this?) how hard it is for everyone - to get up in the morning, make money, have a life - deal with problems.....then I also realized how much I HATE my tables - the people - before I even get to them and how my thought pattern is always "I'm in pain - my body hurts - it's so hard to get in between these tables" on & on & on......THEN the other girl who I was working with said how easy it is to work there and I realized what a shitty attitude I have and I was on my best behavior all night.  I also usually get there and especially after being at that store and just act like a MANIAC - all sorts of grumpiness and expression and this is boring but LOOK - I was on better behavior and had a better attitude and it was a better night.  I still should move past there and I don't need to trust everyone or even like everyone who works there but I am not their fault.  I am responsible for myself.  Adjustment - all the time in lots of ways.  It's like clothes - sometimes I need more, sometimes less.  Jesus - this is seriously - taking me so long to change and grow.  This is why I drank - I think the world owes me something - all the time.  Jesus and I have so much to be grateful for.  I'm so glad I didn't just quit that job.  Dear Lord - okay - bye Bluebers.

Class tonight and then everything changed.....

First of all - I looked completely different after I left and I was able to stop thinking about myself and the mess I made over the weekend and even FOOD for at least 20 minutes at one point - WHAT a miracle.  The other thing was my scene partner - lord - the poor guy - he was being SO handsy and he had on A LOT of cologne and I was annoyed and felt myself getting annoyed and - all my old habits of just not ACTING.  He was being very directory and whatnot but really - it's his scene.  Anyway - I just decided to go with it, be open and let my attitude go.  It was fine and then I wasn't going to work on my OWN thing because I hadn't worked on it ALL weekend.  Why?  Because I was FLIPPING out instead of being creative.  I felt so much different after working with the teacher and my scene partner - who by the way is no longer my scene partner because his poor Mom is dying in his living room and he doesn't have time?  I don't know - but I do know - I LOVE TO PERFORM AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MYSELF.  Jesus.  I felt so sick after being at that store today and after class my HAIR even looked different.  I was even able to go to the store and not buy the chicken sandwich I had in my hand and just got some nuts instead.  Then I came here, walked the dog and instead of watching Bones, House and Castle I'm writing on here.  Look - I'm just practicing radical acceptance.  This is the way things are right now and at least I have a place to come home to, clean clothes, a sweet dog and food.  Oh and at least once a week - sometimes twice - I get to be in a class that I love and feels SO abundant.  I have to rest and work tomorrow.  Love you Bluebie!!