Hi - jeesh.

Oh lord I am so tired. The weather is so strange today. Cold but hot in here. I keep being hot then cold, repeat. I went to this thing last night after a meeting and I got so excited that I acted like such a turd. I was REALLY pushing my energy and trying to be FUNNY and LIKED. OH MY GOD - is there anything worse than that ever? Haha at least I'm laughing a little bit. It was like I was drunk - ew. Thank God I wasn't and at least I have the awareness that I do not wish to repeat that behavior. Ouch - embarrassing though. I got my pictures back and I think they are good - I have no idea how to pick one. I am also kind of freaking out about how I look. Or not - I don't know. I picked some out and I asked 2 people to look at them and now I am going to let it go for awhile. I'm at the store and people are coming in and shopping so that is good - it's always more fun to be here when I am selling stuff. This is all so hard. I feel like I am in my early 20's again - relearning how to act - how to be a lady. Jesus - my ego is so blown up right now - it REALLY wants some serious validation. Barf. Total barfness. I have an audition tomorrow for this place where I want to go to take classes and I have a show tonight and a double tomorrow. Um - what? I am just going to go home after this and get some rest and that should get me to where I need to be. I also need to memorize my monologue. Am I kidding myself here - how am I going to do all this? I have to just try. I was ALMOST on time today - can you imagine? I really did make the whole day so much better. I need to pray and meditate when I get home also. I am freaking out right now - my energy is all over the place. I am going to do those breathing exercises the Snake Doctor taught me while I am sitting here. K Bluebie I love you.

Hi - WOW.

I am so annoyed at being here at the store today - this is definitely not going to work for me. I cancelled therapy - there is no fucking way I can fight my way downtown right now. I can walk to the meditation meeting and get home in time to get a good night's sleep. I have to be here the next 3 days after this and Thursday I have a double. Okay - so anyway - on to positive things...I got my pictures done yesterday and I think they will be just what I need right now. It was an AMAZING day for photos and we were in the Meat Packing District which I LOVE. Larni came and he was great and we had fun and did it fast. Then we all went to Cafeteria and saw a bunch of people there and had an amazing lunch. I had Mac and Cheese spring rolls that came with a Gouda dipping sauce. Um - what? Someone had to get high and think of that one. Then I went to 2 meetings and another thing and I was so exhausted. I got my make-up done at Bergdorf Goodman for free but I bought this primer stuff, lipstick and powder as a trade I guess? I could have not bought anything but I really did want the primer. Is that what it's called? Yes - Base Mineral Primer. I used it today and it's great!! I have all of it on today - the lipstick, primer and powder. Good stuff!! Jesus. I'm so tired. I didn't wash my hair. Why am I saying that? I'm so fucking annoyed that I'm but I have to say I need the money and I REALLY appreciate this job - it has helped change my life for the better. I'm not exactly killing myself sitting here either. I did have to hang some Christmas balls - that was hard. Okay - anyway - seriously - not hard. Guess what? I told my friend about the guy who I thought was cute and she said he isn't for me. Isn't that so sad? He seems so NICE and I never get that creepy, weird vibe off of him that I get from most men. I should just meet this guy and the bubble will pop. I need to get a good night's sleep. Bye Bluebie - see you tomorrow!!

Thanksgiving was so lovely.....

I had a really nice time and it was mellow all around. I am still fighting off this cold or whatever it is and I was reallllly tired last night. I spent time at my friend's in midtown - in his absolutely lovely apartment. The food was delicious and it was so warm and loving. It was so gorgeous out yesterday - really warm. I spoke to my family twice and all was well here at the house also. I got home and brought the landlord flowers and I held the baby that was here (his best friends) for awhile and that was fun. He is a cute, fat baby. I am so glad I didn't just stay here because there was drinking and they smoked a million cigarettes and Boris was DRUNK. He was being so "cute" and "funny" and it was SO awful to be around. I was so happy today to wake up without a hangover and just - rested. I did get a lot of sleep and I could go back to sleep right now. Should I? I already prayed and meditated, fed the dog and figured out about pictures for Sunday. I just feel drained. I am going to go do service at a meeting before work. After dinner yesterday we went to a meeting (my friend and I and also 2 other people from the dinner). It was so great. I really am so tired. I already made my bed!! I can't get back in it!! I slept like 10 hours. A solid 9 and 1/2 at least. Yeesh!! I am going to walk the dog and see how I feel after that. Love you Bluebie!!

Okay so I decided to stay here for Thanksgiving.

Lord - I hope that I haven't made a huge mistake. My mother was so sweet about it.....I just can't travel right now. What? I just know it will be such a nightmare on the train. My shoulder is hurt and I just - I'd rather not do that to myself right now. Lord - it's painful though. i went to this acting school last night and I set up an audition with them. I'm not going to be able to get pictures done tomorrow either. It says 100% chance of rain. Um - what?? Well okay - that's fine - I keep taking better and better care of myself so I will be more ready to do pictures whenever it can happen. Also my hair looks a little crazy - so I need to take care of that. My hair always looks a little crazy but this is like - WOW - WHAT is with those bangs?? Okay - so. Last night before bed I flossed, witch hazeled my face, put on old lady cream, gave myself a leg/foot massage and drank 4 cups of detox tea. I also burned some really yummy, subtle candles that I got from Whole Foods. I slept with the humidifier on and I put Lavender and Grapefruit essential oils in the little cup thingy on top. Heaven I tell you!! I have these pajama bottoms that are black and white stripes and they are so cute and they are so done!! I have had them for 4 and 1/2 years and it is time for them to goooo. There are holes all over them and I definitely got tons of use out of them. I need to treat myself to some new PJ's!! I have been dry skin brushing every day and guess what is helping me to do it?? IT HELPS GET RID OF CELLULITE. What? Why didn't the snake doctor tell me that? I would have been doing it ALL the time no problem. I also have been drinking the green drink everyday. So I am getting back into the health regime. I'm here at the boutique and I was so late and so far it is soooo boring. SO. Well the good part is that then I have the rest of the week off!! I mean from here - not the comedy club. Okay - Bluebie - love you!!

Less than a minute later I remembered that

so long ago when I was crazy busy being a performer and doing TONS of things I was doing it very workaholicly. It was so unhealthy. I realized that the other day in a meeting when I was listening to someone talking about how there addiction would switch to all different areas when they weren't drinking but not in the program. I just had to say that. Part of me expects me to approach my art in that same CRAZY way and I can't and I don't want to. Healthy. I want to be healthy in all areas and for art - number one is healthiness. Lord - I am all sorts of mixed up with words right now. Okay - byyyeeee.

Hiiii Bluebie....

Holy cow - this month it seems I have been light on writing but here I am. Wow - I woke up anxious and now I already feel better starting to write. I'm so struggling with Thanksgiving. It is such a short holiday and I really just want to stay here in the city. I also am so worried this year about all the drinking. It's so hard to be around. Now that I said that I feel better. I will be okay but it is a worry and for some reason I feel that this year. Okay - so. Hold on I am going to do something. I was seeing if I could get tomorrow off from the boutique so I could go do my service instead. I am so tired and so in need of lots of meetings. Tonight I am going to go to an acting school and go see about classes. Holy cow!! I switched my therapy around so I could go do this. I am so - anxious lately. I just want/need to be creative and taking classes is a great way to get the ball rolling. Okay - I guess I'm nervous but I am also excited. I really need to get to meditating right now. I was also thinking it would be nice if I wrote a song for the wedding show. They are having a bunch of performers and I would like to do a song with my ukulele. So - okay - there is a thought. Now what else? I went to 2 meetings last night because I woke up so crazy and I felt so much better after I did. I think I might just sit right now and write my morning pages and then pray and meditate. Oh nervousness it is strong in me today. I love you Bluebie - I will write more later.

Brrr!! It's so cold out

this morning - working on afternoon. It's kind of fun though. I woke up so late but I just did the best I could - including walking the dog - which I was not going to do to save time plus I was so tired. But she wanted to go out SO badly and I just couldn't leave - I had to walk her. Then do you know what happened? i got into a car and he went in such an amazing, fast way that I got here super fast. It was so easy!! I took the time to do the right thing and it completely worked out. I got here and no one was waiting and so far no one has come in. Now I just have to have the balls to tell her the right hours when I tell her my hours so she knows I was late. I can do that - please - hello. Look she knows this is hard for me and that that's why I don't want to do these insane doubles anymore. So. So I was late and I won't be able to stay and I won't charge her and that is that. It's totally okay. Oh dear - scary stuff. Next week I am only here one day and then the week after starts a 4 day week but only for 2 weeks and then back to the 3 day week. How boring is this? Okay. I wrote a gratitude list and I'm going to make some phone calls and take it easy on myself. Last night I got home and I was a MESS after my double but somehow I managed to get myself all ready for bed - witch hazeled my face, flossed and brushed my teeth, put on old lady cream, gave myself a leg massage and put tiger balm and the heating pad on my sore shoulder. I felt SO much better afterwards!! Oh my LORD. I wasn't going to do any of that. How crazy is that? I walked the dog and I took out my garbage and recyclables. So when I finally did wake up today - my room was all clean and even though i was completely late I wasn't totally flustered and grossed out by a messy room. There was light shining in my room and it was very pleasant to get ready for work like that even though I was so late. Oh I do have to say I'm lonely. I miss having a boyfriend so much. Is this being an alcoholic? It has been so long since I had someone nice and special in my life. Well okay - this is why I wrote the gratitude list - I have so much to be grateful for. Food, warmth, safe place to live. okay - I should put these dresses back. A woman did come in while I was writing this - she needed a jacket for a job interview so she was trying on dresses. She was so flustered. I felt so bad. Well she didn't get anything and hopped in a cab. She was cute - they will like her. Okay - I should go - Byyeeeee Bluebie!!

Hi Bluebie.

I'm at the boutique and some guy just walked by screaming (in a really odd voice) about his supervisor and prison. Sooo I locked the door. I am here - I am clean - I prayed and meditated this morning and I have all I need to make this day happen. I can't WAIT to go to a meeting. It's rainy out and I think because I have PMS it's really effecting my mood. I cried myself to sleep last night - I was SO emotional and I didn't even realize it. I got home yesterday after tromping around the wet city and I cleaned, washed some clothes, ran errands and got myself ready for this weekend. I gave myself a leg massage and I really tried to take care of myself. I got in bed, put the heating pad on my shoulder and meditated. I had a thought though while I was trying to talk to God (I know) where I was just like "I don't know if I can keep fighting the good fight" and then I started bawling. Which then made me start laughing because of the guests staying there trying to have a romantic getaway in a bed and breakfast and I'm crying myself to sleep above them. Then I kept crying because I realized how lonely I was and how much I want a family, love - a LIFE. I know I have a life but I mean LOVE. hugs and warmth for fuck's sake. I can't remember the last time I didn't just wake up angry and I guess part of me thinks if I just had love in my life that wouldn't happen. I just think it would be so much more loving and wonderful to wake up to a lover instead off Boris cigarette smoke. Although - hello - I could wake up to a beautiful man and someone else's cigarette smoke. Okay. I am ready for love - I want that - I miss it so much. I also want a baby. I know - it's so insane and maybe it's just hormones but I really want to experience family life - a healthy,loving family life. They brought me the wrong yogurt. I'm so upset except it's still yogurt. Man - I have PMS. I should be grateful. I need to write a gratitude list. I'm going to go do that. I can fight the good fight today I think. I'm going to do my best. Be nice to myself. That's the best place to start. It really feels like starting at the bottom of the mountain sometimes but I'm going to practice it today - being nice to myself. Byeeeee Bluebie.

Let's start with the positives.

I got an amazing, inexpensive haircut yesterday and she REALLY did what I wanted and even cut more to clean it up at the end. I also got an inexpensive (get this!!) manicure/pedicure/15 minute massage. I'm not even kidding. I had a delicious dinner and I got to my meditation meeting. I got tons of sleep last night and now I'm home still which is glorious. It's sort of dark out but it hasn't started raining yet. I had plans to get pictures taken tomorrow but it looks like rain so I don't think that is going to happen - which is fine because I would love a week to get my body better. What? I worked hard all weekend at the comedy club and it was busy - thank God so that's good. My bills are paid and I budgeted out money for myself and I've gone over the budget but nothing crazy. This feels so good. I have some very loving friends in my life but that one friend - they suck - they just do. But I read a quote today that said something like I fill myslef with love and put that out to the world - how others treat me is there business and how I react is mine. I believe what is happening with this person is happening because I need to move in a different direction and be more on my own. So to speak. I'm being so vague. Look - this person is difficult and I want to avoid them and at the same time show them how difficult they are. I also want to let this effect my sobriety which isn't necessary. So anyway - oooo - here's the thing - I'm not sure what is going on - but thisd is what happens with me and a lot of people and this time - I'm not having it. What? On a seperate note and back to positive things - Larni and I got in a fight and we totally got past it. I told him I won't be spoken to that way (ha - in so many word - where are my BALLS at anyway??) and he apologized - we talked it out and everything is okay. That was kind of a crazy one because for once I really was like - I am not going to be spoken to like this - I deserve better than this and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. I was mad but also I knew I didn't deserve what he was putting out (I know - ridiculous words) and I didn't care how this would "look." Imagine that. I was really taking care of myself for once instead of doing what I thought would "look" best. Jesus. Larni said he was proud of me - haha - oh boy - thank God everything is okay - relationships are so hard. It's my wedding anniversary. Ouch. I suppoose that is another positive thing!! I'm not married anymore!!! I looked at his fb page and he - despite the fact that he is clearly on seriously hard drugs, has long greasy hair and is completely out of shape - seems happy. He is doing exaclty what he wants. He has his one man band with 20 people in it and he's doing shows and making art. So - there you go. Am I doing what I want? Well I am starting to take really good care of myslef and that's for sure something Ihave ALWAYS wanted. I always wanted to be sober and to have the room and the time to take really great care of myself. I suppose that will grow into my art - the pictures will be a start to that. Okay - I love you Bluebie and I love my sister for encouraging me to keep writing. It feels so good!!! Byeeeeee.

I went to the Snake Doctor yesterday and

I was in such a bad mood. I was grumpy and I have been fighting off this cold. So he says to me that I just (Basically) need to get back on the wagon of all the self care I was doing. The skin brushing, meditation, lots of water, lots of green juice, sleep, less TV etc. He said that we are made of so much water that when the water gets stagnant and dirty it makes us not feel well. He also told me to be nice to myself. He made me promise to be nice to myself. He also gave me an enema bag so as to start doing enemas on myself. WOW - what an experience that was. I will get better at it I suppose. He said that it's fine that I fell off the wagon and that that's why I am going to see him. He said no one can do any of this alone and that everyone needs all kinds of coaches and help. So last night I did so much self care. I dry skin brushed, showered, put a on leave in conditioner in my hair - cleaned up my room, threw out my garbage, did the enema, showered again, massaged my legs, and drank tons of water. I also meditated before bed - put a Castor oil pack on my shoulder with a heating pad and then put the heating pad on my belly as I meditated. I also did laundry. Oooo - I also put the humidifier on while I slept with oils in it - so awesome. I still watched shows but I went to bed much earlier than I would have. I had the saddest dream. I dreamed my old roommate came and he didn't want to talk to me or hang out with me. Cretona. He was so annoyed. I also came upon my ex-boyfriend and all the "Art Stars" someplace and it was so - awful. I was trying to be nice and funny while ignoring the"leader" and trying to act like I was the happiest person in the world. They didn't like me. Noooot at all and neither did Cretona. The doctor said if I watch so much TV stuff at night it makes my mind have to integrate it while I'm sleeping. I felt so much better today - I got up, prayed and meditated, showered - put on clean, fresh clothes and was only 15 minutes late to here!! I am seeing how quickly I get dirty - mentally and physically. Also - I should have more gratitude for the fact that I am free and walking around - I mean for real. Lord. Okay - so thank God for the Snake Doctor. Now I need to do some creative stuff - he said that that is so important and that my soul chose me for a reason - for a creative reason. Interesting thought. I love you Blueberry!!

Sign of growth.

I got home late Saturday night - 3 in the morning - from work. I went upstairs and was going to go right to bed but decided for some reason to put my stuff away - I don't remember why. I just realized during that somehow that I didn't have the keys for the boutique. I knew I put them in my pocket when I locked up and went to the comedy club but I couldn't find them.....I dumped out my purse - looked in my coat pockets five different times and knew that were not with me in my bedroom. They didn't feel gone but I knew I didn't have them. I had taken my house keys out of my pocket to get in the house and realized I must have pulled them out at the same time and they had to be on the ground out by the house. So down the stairs I went at 3:30 in the morning in Harlem - completely exhausted - to walk down the block to find my keys. Guess what? I found them - sitting right there by where I must have pulled out my house keys. I was so proud of myself for some reason. I would have never even known until the next day that I lost my keys if I was still drinking. I must also say that if I had just put the keys in my purse in the little pocket I usually put them in I would have never had them in my coat pocket to be pulled out of to begin with. I am so tired - I can NOT work Mondays - fuck that. I was so annoyed at getting up today and I didn't shower and I feel so gross. Plus I spend money when I am here - it's so stupid. Food is so expensive around here. Okay - Okay - so I don't have to work on Mondays!! I can't wait to go to bed. Am I growing? Am I changing? Today it doesn't feel like it even though I said there was a sign of it. Oh DEAR. I did get a lot done yesterday - I did my hair, my nails, cleaned and did laundry AND I walked and got to a meeting. Okay - I need to stop writing now. Bye Bluebie - love you.

Today I learned the lesson of action.

I woke up so tired but with a little extra time because of Daylight Savings Time. I managed to get up and get myself to the bank so I could put my savings back and to - ugh - how emberassing is this - change in my change. Well - I did it - the money is back and then I got the few things I needed from the dollar store and Duane Reade. I really wanted to just sit but - well I get why action works. What? I'm so tired all of a sudden and I still need to get ot my meeting and I have to work in the morning!! I also think I might go get some food with people after the meeting? I'm so tired - I'm going to fix my hair real quick. Bye Bluebie!!!

A new nephew!!

Born at 12:30 last night - I have no details - just that he's kind of little and was about 3-4 weeks early. My sister got preeclamsia so they had to induce her - sort of scary but I guess al is well. Wow - so crazy. She has 4 mother fucking kids now - amazing. I have none. Also amazing. So I'm here a the store - I swear to the good Lord above that I can not keep working this schedule. I'm okay right now - sort of - but I would be a lot better if I got enough sleep and if I could have washed my hair. I also didn't get to walk the dog. Aw - poor thing. I just lie to myself and pretend like it's raining and that's why I can't walk her. Ugh - it's so awful. I guess it will really just be one more week of this really - maybe 2. Lord. well so here's the thing though - I REALLY needed to work last night and I did and thank God I made a little bit of money. So. I just hope I get to work all the shows somehow tonight and then I can get back on track money wise. The week after next I am getting new pictures - or at least some pictures taken. I'm looking forward to it. I really feel like it help get me present to how I am right now. does that make any sense? My head shots are 10 years old - literally - I mean come on. Okay - so it's scary but I'm going to go for it - have fun and just do it. I should figure out some stuff for that - clothes, make-up etc. It's so quiet here at the store right now. Also on the street. It's quiet today so maybe that's why. Okay - I just made another ammends and it's so clod in here!!! Bye Bluebie!!

Good morning.

It's amazing that it's still morning. there was a time not too long ago that I would be drunk and sleeping still. Or even worse - awake, hiding in my room and drinking left over warm beer. Oh lord - so sad. I just have to be so grateful right now that I am awake, showered, fed and I have on clean clothes AND I am working. Jesus. Oh my GOD - unbelievable. Okay - so today is a new day and I worked on myself, worked at my other job and felt better by the time I got home last night. I have to figure out some kind of budget for myself where I can only spend a certain amount every day. I already know I have enough to pay my bills with the 2 jobs and I've paid back bills and I have been able to save a tiny bit - but then I spent that on my rent. Now I need to figure out more CLEARLY how to save. Really save. Don't spend it save. Okay - so after I am done writing on here I will do that. I just need money for food, some clothes and travel. Ugh - I don't want to do this. I guess that means I should. The thing is that the up and downs of money contributes to my mood swings. I get paid or I make money at the comedy club and I'm all "Everything is okay - I have money - woo-hoo!!" Then a week or 2 days later and I'm like "I'm poor - why didn't my parents take better care of me??" What - that is so fucking RIDICULOUS!! I get so upset when I am left without the money I need and it isn't necessary. I just like having money - being able to buy whatever I want and not really think about it. But I do NOT like having to count change out of my piggy bank to take a car to work. I do the same thing with my time. I have very little time and then I decide to write on my blog before work. It's not really - honest somehow. I mean - I'm lying to myself. I'm not rich - haha - I'm not even MIDDLE FUCKING CLASS!! I am poor!! Ha - okay - I'm not as poor as I WAS but COME ON!! I want to look pretty and feel good and guess what? I can do that with less money - it's the truth - I know it and you know it. Well - okay - it's the same thing I keep thinking about being creative. No one is stopping me. I don't need more money to be creative. I need to just DO it. More untangling - this is all more untangling - fucking a. My life is abundant!! I don't have to be RICH to have an abundant life. Lord. This is another layer of the onion also. There is this deprivation THOUGHT process that happens in my brain all the time. I'm not making sense - or maybe I am - I don't know. I don't like it that's all. I don't like that I am forced to be creative financially. Okay - I have to stop writing - I'm getting crazy in my head. The reality is that if I had a TON of money I would be just as not okay as I am right now. This is about me and my soul and my inability to deal with reality and my disease. Ha - what? Is that true? Okay - I'm going to figure out a budget and be nice to myself or at least try. Bye Bluebie - love you.

Oh WOW.

As I was leaving the house Tall Not So Dark And Creepy told me that a mutual friend has had a nervous breakdown. She thinks bugs are coming out of her ears and nose. Yeesh. It upset me - I called my sponsor and she said I am bottoming out on letting other people make me feel the way I feel. I'm not sure the wordage she used - I was really upset. I guess she's right - someone else is always to blame for me getting upset. Someone else is always controlling how I feel. Ugh - this is so hard. I feel so uncomfortable and I am so ready to - what? Move? I don't know - I don't want to feel like this anymore and I ugh - well - I have to do the work I guess. I'm so tired right now. It's so hot in here - of course. It was FREEZING and now it's hot in here again. So dry. So if I can't blame other people for how I feel - who can I blame?? Ha - oh and BIG SIGH. Some old lady just came in here and demanded I give her the owner's cell phone number. She said they live in the same building. How rude is that? She was pushy AND rude. And she SMELLED. Gross. So now here we go - another stupid layer of the stupid fucking onion. Couldn't they use a less disgusting smelling vegetable as an analogy of healing? Fucking a. I'm so upset. I have no money saved again after paying my rent on time. Hopefully I will make it back this weekend and be able to put the money back in my savings. I'm just sitting here - not doing anything. I'm going to research this feelings bullshit. FUCK!! Bye.

I'm so late.

I am supposed to be at work right now. I totally went to sleep at 2 in the morning and I woke up at 9:00. I kind of don't care. I'm so tired. I hate this job - why am I doing this to myself? Ugh - I know why. It's better than waitressing. Ohhhhh dear. Ohhhh boy. This is already a nightmare today. Boris has already smoked outside my window. I paid my rent on time and then I swear the landlord has been such a jerk ever since. It makes me so sad that he's so gross. I heard them having sex last night. IT struck me as so odd. I was just like - wow - they are fucking each other - wow - ew and wow. I don't get it. He smells, has bad teeth and is really aggressive - like in your face. How is that sexy? Haha - I guess that's why Boris is fucking him and I'm not. He thinks those things are REALLY sexy. Ew. Fucking ew. Wow - I am sitting here typing and at best I should have left for work already. Maybe this week I can say NO when I mean no and take care of myself so I can not end up like this again. I did well yesterday for the most part - although that one friend of mine - lord. It just upsets me and is very toxic. It's really hard to take care of myself. Alright - I have to go - I can write more later. Bye.

Okay - here we go!!

I did a show last night at a hostel - it was crazy! It was like college dorm - so nuts. Tall Not So Dark And Creepy must have people coming - he is cleaning really loudly. I have to go get my rent. I am rested - I got enough sleep. I am so ready to do more shows - how can I make that happen? I learned once again this week the hard lesson of sometimes I have to hang up the phone with people and I have to say no. I'm not sure how to do that exactly - well I guess just by doing it. I feel like he is listening to me type but I can't stop that from me being creative. I did my morning pages before this and that was so great - and quiet!! Very peaceful sound wise. I was having such a bad day yesterday and after therapy, a meeting and a show I felt SO much better. I really did. I keep thinking of moving forward. I honestly - this is so hard with him up here - the pressure from him is unbearable. Haha - WOW - what the fuck? I will write more later - it really was an interesting day. Bye Bluebie!!