Oh dear.

So yesterday I took care of myself. Work was the most boring thing ever but I did it and ate healthy while I was there. I got a message from Larni and he wants to go to the farm and bring some people and film some things - well 2 videos to be exact. It sounds so exhausting and it made me so annoyed and sick when I heard it. I just - well - I guess al my resentments built up and so now I just - I don't even want to do these videos anymore which is ridiculous. That is not the way to deal with this. However I do not feel comfortable doing this farm trip right now at all. It als upset me that he was like oh I have no job so we can work around your schedule. Three of us who are going have no jobs so we can work around you. It sounds so awful and exhausting and so not gratifying creatively. I'm just a puppet in his creations and that being said I let that happen. So now I have to get my balls in check and take care of this. He asked me to film something on Saturday the 11th and I have to work and I was so relieved. I had a dream last night that was so crazy. First let me say that I slept SO amazingly. I went to sleep at 12:30 and I woke up at 11:15. How amazing is that? 10 and a half hours sleep!! Right on!! I walked from work to my meeting yesterday and then I had to walk a way to get to the train afterwards so I got some exercise. If I had on better shoes I could have walked farther. I bought these shoes with Larni last year so of course I was blaming him for the bad shoes. Really Secret Blue? Come on. This is where it is time for me to grow up. For real. This is part of my problem and has been - especially with art for a long, LONG time. This was my dream - we were doing this big show and I was filming and it was crazy with all sorts of people. Then we all go out and Larni is paying all this people but not me. Then I got mad and left and I go to watch something he filmed without me and this guy who I had so much drama with was in this video an he was terrible. So because I didn't stick up for myself or even leave from a place of power I felt like I was missing out on something AND I also - what? There has to be a better way of dealing with this than the way I used to. Plus I just really don't have the time right now and I can't be so exhausted. For whatever reason I still need alot of rest. I need to walk the dog and then I'm going to pray and meditate about this and hopefully the right thing to do will come up through me. I really do have to take ownership of the fact that I wanted him to do for me what I can't do for myself - or what I think I can't do for myself which is get famous. Or even be a working artist. Seriously. In a big way I want him to do for me what I can't do for myself and I am mad he isn't doing it right or "treating me right." Okay - there is some of that int here but that isn't the bigger point. Bye BLuebs - love you.

Happy Memorial Day.

Um I'm never totally sure what these holidays are about but this feels like a depressing one. It's rainy out and those guys are still not back yet. It's a little bit big of a house to be in alone I must say. I didn't sleep well last night - I was nervous but I also missed my really tired time - I stayed awake through it but more than that I needed more exercise. If I don't have a long, loooong walk almost everyday - I am not able to sleep well. Or at least that's what I'm saying right now. I am having my coffee and I cleaned and did laundry last night. I watered my plants and wrote in my journal. I watched a movie called "Woman on Top." It was cute. Magical - I love magical movies. It was about cooking and I miss cooking SO much!! Oh my gosh. I am so sleepy with this rain!! I'm thinking it is going to be very quiet today with the rain and the holiday. I was asked to go to the beach and on a picnic today. I was a little bummed to say no until now when I realized that wasn't going to happen anyway. I hope that meditation meeting is still happening tonight - I'm really looking forward to it and I should be able to walk there in plenty of time from work. I finally started to read the book my sister gave me for Christmas and I love it!! Such a cute book. I really enjoyed being awake and in the day yesterday - so great. I have to figure out the picture thing for my parents 50th anniversary party. I have a month to do it and lots of other things to do too. Okay so I have lots to keep me busy at work even if it isn't busy. Time to meditate. Ooooo - so early and I'm already a little bit late. Bye Blueberry!!! P.S. Lunch with my friend was great!! She is doing really well - she has grown - so awesome to see.

78 degress and it's day 633!

I am awake and I already made the bed, fed the dog and picked up a bit. I am going to meet a friend for lunch downtown and then going to my meeting to do service. I worked 15 hours yesterday and it was worth it. I think eventually I might take Friday nights off from work. I will switch it to another night maybe? I am meeting my friend at a vegan/raw restaurant because she is "mostly doing raw now so that's what's best." This chick is always doing healthy type shit but she drinks and smokes - it cracks me up. This coffee I'm drinking is amazing. I honestly can't tell you - well I guess I can and I will - how fucking amazing those guys not being here is. I don't even mind the music coming from the building across the way. I have my bedroom door open and the windows open - it's heaven. I feel such a weight lifted off of me. I'm not taking Friday nights off until I move. This month is my last payment on one bill and by September I will be done paying off my friend. I am amazed at the difference of how I feel with them gone. Waking up today like this is like actually waking up. Not waking up, hiding, listening for weirdness, having to prepare myself to be walked in on or some craziness. No one woke me up banging things. Okay so I want to move. Great. Scary. Save money. Be a grown-up and look for opportunities. I could move outside of the city. One of the boroughs? I will look for inspiration. I am going to walk the dog. Ooooo I want to see what I was like on this day last year. Hold on. Well okay - I was crazy. I think I might like my writing better? Ugh - okay - holy shit. Sloooow down there girlie. Okay - I'm sober right now and I have cleaned up my life even more. Okay time to go on with this gorgeous day I was lucky enough to wake up to. I want my own apartment now where I can cook and have men over and LIVE and wake up. Yes. Okay cool and awesome. I love you Blueberry!!! Happy almost Memorial Day!! P.S. I just realized for what I went through and for how long it took me to really realize my problem - I'm doing okay. I'm in a good place. When have I ever said that before??? :):):)

Old black guy on the subway stairs.

I was walking through the subway station to get to the train and I went down this set of stairs to get to the uptown train. There was this reaaaaally old black guy with gray dread locks sitting in between the 2 sets of stairs leaning against the railing. He had a cup out and by sitting where he was there was no way you couldn't walk by him whether you were going up or down the stairs. He looked so frail to me and desperate - thin. I didn't want to walk by him and I was so annoyed. There was a small group of black boys - in their late teens - maaaybe early twenties ahead of me and I thought to myself - oh I hope they don't pick on him. Then I was annoyed by THAT. This guy was causing me so much angst. Well as the boys walked by him he went "Ahh!!!" and jumped at them a little bit with his upper body. He scared the shit out of them! They scattered and ran down the steps and he started lauuughing and said "I got you!! Hahaha I got you!!!" One of the boys laughed and it was hilarious. I really got a kick out of that. When I got to the platform I realized I was going towards the wrong way train - going downtown instead of up. So I had to go walk by the old guy again and I realized he wasn't so frail and he made my night. That was a long time ago and I kept meaning to write about it. I keep thinking about it. I so don't see things right sometimes and I have negative thoughts. I'm worried that I have no love inside of me. I dreamed last night that I was buying clip on nose earrings. They were heavily jeweled and they filled up my whole nose but I wanted them. I also dreamed I bought a game that involved a globe and a fishing pole. I forgot the globe, clip on nose rings and some other part of my game at the store but I had the fishing pole. What am I fishing for? Compliments about the love inside me? Eeee oooooo. I have to got to the boutique. Bye for now Blueb.

I feel better.

I walked and walked, went to a meeting, ate a healthy dinner and walked the dog. PLUS I watched a movie that made me cry and cry plus it had hot sex scenes and I LOVED it. Those creepy fucking dudes aren't here and neither is anyone else and I cried and cried - LOUD and it was fucking amazing. Holy shit I have to move. I didn't realize how stiffled I am here. Okay I knew - what the fuck am I talking about but I KNOW now. Fuck - holy fuck. Well I guess maybe my idea of God is changing - I don't know. There is nothing wrong with me questioning the idea of one solid God figure. I know I believe in spirit - one spirit running through things. I am going to bed. I have to be at the boutique early and then the comedy club. So much barf on the comedy club. I am - okay - let's just say that. I am for sure an alcoholic. A sober one but I am one none the less. Bye Blueberry. Thanks for being here.

I have no idea who I am.

I feel sick and hot and tired. I'm at this boutique and it's okay but it's hot. I really don't understand who I am and I'm so lonely. How do people find love? I don't know - I don't know - I need some water I think. If I knew who I was I could find someone. What? I don't believe in God anymore - not like that. In a different way - it's sad. I'm so fucking hot and I'm not funny anymore. My funny died with my belief in God.

What a good day into a horrible night.

The boutique was great and then the comedy club was horrifying. I was trying to be funny and then I crashed and burned. I was doing this really deep man voice to this guy who works there and saying it was my inner transvestite who has feelings for him. He didn't like it at all. He asked me if we beat dead horses on our farm growing up. It hurt my feelings. I actually like and respect him and he was just like - shut the fuck up. I came home and the dog had diarrhea and it looked like someone stepped in it. They were totally in my room because the light was on. I swear to God - what the fuck? I am trying SO hard and nothing is any better. I'm just lonely and more exhausted now. I have horrible PMS and I'm so tired. Thank God I took tonight off from the comedy club. I felt so gross while I was there and after. 2 girls drank before work and it was so annoying. I am just tired - it will be okay and thank God I have tonight off. Another double tomorrow. Oh my. I didn't drink and if I had I so wouldn't be awake right now. So there you go - there's the good thing. Bye Blueberry.

I didn't drink or do drugs.

I went to the store and got some things last night and it occurred to me that I could get Benedryl. But I didn't. I went to bed early and I made a gratitude list in bed and wrote in my journal a little bit. I woke up around 5:00 and never went back to sleep but I meditated a little and rested more. I realized 2 things. The first is that I have had up until maybe this moment right now so many regrets in my life because I feel like my behavior caused certain awful things to happen. But maybe those things were never meant to be anyway. No matter my behavior I probably still would be where I am. It's a theory. The other thing I realized is that I have had for as long as I can remember (or at least the first or third grade - second grade is a little fuzzy) I have had this unrest inside me. Well now I realized when I am nice to myself and take care of myself it is much, much better. I mean I think the time has come now for me to heal from that painful place in me. How gay is this? Very, but gay is beautiful. I think the integration meditation is beginning to work. Maybe all the work I am doing is helping. Slowly. I am so glad that this urge to use has lifted slightly. I am amazed at what staying home has done for me also. I could have used more exercise yesterday but it was amazing to stay home and take care of myself. My nails and my toes look awful though. Ha - it looks like my niece did them. Hilarious. Well now it's time for me to meditate and get to getting ready for this long day. It's going to be a gorgeous day - summer is finally here. Reading upon awakening is helping me. Good Day Blueb - I love you.

I just realized something.

So I meditated, did yoga and ate a healthy meal. Drank my green drink and put my legs upside down. I took my vitamins and supplements and I drank water. Now I really don't feel well! Ugh - I feel like I'm getting a cold but it's okay - I'm resting and it's fine. I've had some swesome quality time with my dog - what a sweetheart. I realized that I get so upset about Larni and my PERCIEVED treatment by him but I have very low self-esteem so I don't expect anyone to treat me well. I also don't trust that the universe will provide me with gratifying art where I get to be appreciated and taken care of so I do his work for free. Don't get me wrong - I love his work and I love being involved in something but it really upset me he didn't pay me the night of the big show and I really feel like I can't say anything and the time has now passed anyway. What the fuck am I saying? I want to feel good about myself and I want respect. What am I saying? He would have paid me if he could have. I just don't think he actually thinks I'm funny. I don't even - ugh I wish I would just get my period already I'm a mess. I need some dinner. Right? I'm shakey. I'm all shakey and ugh - don't feel good. Boris just smoked outside of my room - that couldn't have helped. Great - now I feel sorry for myself. Fuck I'm such a mess.

I'm worried I'm going to drink.

They say you pick up a drink long before you actually do and I am very worried that that is what is happening with me. Just writing that makes me feel better. I really am just - detached from my home group of people and I am too tired to go to meetings twice a day that take me an hour to get to. Okay so that being said I can go to meetings around here. I really can. I have been going to all sorts of new meetings because of my new job and now I just have to get phone numbers and talk. See - I don't want to do that. I don't want to do anything - I want to lay down. Last night I took really good care of myself and today when I woke up - both time - I tried to do this thing called "Upon Awakening" that they always talk about during the meditation meeting. Okay I found it - it's a prayer adapted from the big book. I just need to learn more about the program. I need to let myself read more. It is just changing how I am involved in the program and it is really about me getting sober and staying sober now and not about going to meetings because guys that I am "SO ATTRACTED TO" are there. Sort of sad but good. Now I am supposed to meet a friend for dinner but I really don't want to. I am so tired and I just want to meditate, read, write and maybe go for a swim. I have to figure out if that is the right thing to do. I will call Her Lady Wonder. I will go to a meeting around here. I have a double tomorrow, work Friday morning and a double on Saturday. I would have had a double Friday but I took the night off to go to a show. I don't want to spend money on dinner and I have really bad PMS. Okay this is a good question. I will figure this out. My life is so boring!! "Will she got o dinner or just stay home and read????" Jeez. Bye Blueb - time to walk the doggie.

They are using my shower all week.

Boris and the landlord are using my shower this week because he rented out his bedroom along with the other 2 bed and breakfast rooms. He just casually asked if they could use my shower "sometime this week when I wasn't here" and so like an ass I actually believed he would only be in my room a couple of times this week. Instead it is a couple times of day. I swear to God that man didn't shower for the first year and a half I lived here and now he's taking a shower every day? In my shower. With his boyfriend. Ew. EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!. Oh my fucking Ew. When I said it was okay he also said he would use their shower when the guests weren't in his room so - ugh - well another lesson learned. I just really have to say that it's so - I just don't know. Oh I do know - it's invasive. It's boundarieless and it's rude and gross. Okay THAT being said it's also no big deal AT ALL. I just really value what little privacy I have and now it feels violated to the umpth degree. Maybe no that much. Look I'm really just writing about it because it's so ridiculous. I just have to stand the feelings that's all. Next time if this happens I will just ask for money off my rent. There you go. I'm dreaming of my own apartment. With a refrigerator and a door that locks that no one else has a key to and a bathroom people don't use while I'm not here. My own place - I want my own place. I am going to keep writing about how ridiculous this place is until I move. I can at least get it out of me a little bit. I'm trying to find the humor in it. Okay well um I haven't so far but here are some good things. I had a great day yesterday - after the boutique I took a walk and then I took a 2 hour nap. The I went to therapy and it was really fabulous. I learned about the semi-permeable membrane layer. You're welcome!! Then I walked to my meditation meeting and that was awesome also. I learned a lot. Then I walked MORE to whole foods and got some yummy food. Grilled salmon, steamed kale and mac and cheese. I swear eating that kale is like chewing grass but I like it. So strange. So there you go. Now I have a meeting to go run and then I am going to come home and do my hair, nails and toes. Thank God for this new job because I was experiencing some serious boredom. Exhaustion and boredom. Really? Lethargy and boredom. Stagnant energy. Oh Blueberry you are such a good listener. Byeeeee for nowwww!!

Oooo it's early.

My friend's plane is delayed so I'm going into the boutique for a little while. It's a little dark out still so I am not very awake. I was up till late cleaning and doing laundry. I have groceries to take with me though. I also bought a water bottle. Time for a super fast prayer/meditation session. Byeee!!

Holla.

That's holler only with an a to be cool. I worked 3 shows yesterday and then I came home and it was AWESOME. I wasn't completely exhausted and the dog was still awake so could walk her and I still made enough money. I took care of myself by coming home. Awesome. It felt so great and the crazy part is that it was still late!! I got home by 1:15. How crazy is that? I could really go on right now about all the resentments and anger I have but why? I just walked the dog and I'm doing laundry and I'm not hung over. I got enough sleep and I have coffee with raw honey in it. I can pay my bills and I have things to do today. These are beautiful things. I'm learning how to take care of myself for real. I feel very blessed to be able to do that. Deep breaths and an open, loving heart. One step at a time. I can go to therapy and talk about my fear and resentments. I can google my fear and resentments now!! Love you Blueb.

Oh boy that love bullshit didn't really work out but this did!!

Hello!! And goodnight!!

I want love in my life.

Love, love, love, love love. I want some warmth and ease - some peace of mind. Kindness and hugs and simplicity. I guess I'm thinking that comes with a boyfriend? Who knows but I'm am ready for some softness and I think I actually might want to have a baby. Maybe. Let's start with more love. Everything is fine at the boutique - she asked me to work an extra day next week. I have a few days off starting tomorrow so I can get lots of things done and be more ready for when I do work there. I'm going to get a water bottle - I researched them today. I still haven't gotten paid but thank God I have my comedy club job so my bills are paid. It's a gorgeous day out today and I'm working the pre-show so that should be good. I won't be able to go to a meeting but I can tomorrow. I wish I could worry less - I'm such a big worrier. I was so upset about the boutique and fucking up but I woke up today and I was like - okay - I can't worry anymore - it's too exhausting. Then turns out it's all okay. I think I'm going to pray and meditate before I get in the shower. I am going to keep focusing on the love. The Tao says that we have 3 treasures, simplicity,patience and compassion. The compassionate one is the most interesting because it says "Compassionate towards ourselves we reconcile all beings in the world." I'm going to be as loving and compassionate towards myself as I can be today. Amen Blueberry Amen.

Rigorous honesty.

I went to my meeting and I was late for my greeter position because of 2 reasons. The first was the train wasn't right on time and the second was I made very little effort to be on time - for real on time - not just perfect timing by mass transportation time. I thought to myself at one point - I'm exhausted and I don't need to be on time for this service - someone should understand how hard it is for me to get there - I don't live near there and I have to spend money on the subway to get there - waaa. Seriously? What the fuck is that? Yesterday I was so tired that I also was just not focused and felt like I DESERVED to be not focused. What the hell is that? And I only hurt myself and well - her at the boutique because she had to clean up my mess. I have resentments about doing things that are good for me and that are just not super easy. And I expect other people to not only understnad but pick up the slack for me. This is one reason I'm not in a relationship. I was like that with boyfriends only WORSE. Can you imagine? Christ - I really have to grow up. I'm not trying to beat up on myself - I'm looking at the facts. I had a bad attitude yesterday and a bad attitude today and it fucked me up. Perhaps at another time it wouldn't be like that if I truley did my best and was really on my game. Anyway - the meeting I went to was wonderful and I signed up for more service for next term. I also did the right thing yesterday when I called her and told her I fucked up - twice. Okay - let's keep being honesst. I'm soaking my feet and I'm going to dry skin brush and take a long hot shower before another meeting and walking to work. I'm going to meditate right now. Okay - bye.

Well oops again.

I completely fucked up a whole bunch of stuff at the boutique yesterday. I charged a woman for a dress instead of a bracelet and I didn't even realize it until the end of the day. I also left someone else's name on a purchase so even though I charged the right card for the right thing - it had the wrong customers name on it. So she was SO mad at me and said she can never have another day like this - it can never happen again and she was so mad. I was so tired yesterday - I couldn't have any water all day - I ordered some and it didn't come with what I ordered - I didn't have enough money to order more things and I can't leave the store. I'm supposed to just stay there for 8 hours. There is no water fountain there and the bathroom is in the basement and I didn't want to drink that water. There really aren't any excuses - I was tired and I made a bunch of mistakes. I stayed an extra hour to do the end of the day report and she never wrote back. I feel so awful. Then I go to work at the comedy club and even though I worked my ass off I made no money. I just feel like I can never get ahead. The cigarettes In my room is awful.. There are workers next door and that is part of it plus he let's his boyfriend smoke under my window. Well what can I say - I've certainly been trying. I don't have any money in my account so her direct deposit didn't go through and I feel as though I shouldn't ask about it. I'm so frustrated and tired. It will be okay I guess. Well okay - she will pay me for what I have worked. I will send her an e-mail later and perhaps she won't be a s mad. I have to go and count in my change at the bank so my student loan gets paid. Ha!! Okay I almost smiled - that's good. Well no one said growing up was easy. And it's not. Bye Blueb. Okay I just realized I am so focused on lack and am I feeling sorry for myself? I just am scared and I want to pay my bills. I also have to take better care of myself. Her Lady Wonder said for me it's all about self care. Premium level self care. So I need to leave places and say no to things, go to meetings all the time and drink tons of water and avoid bread. Oye yoi yoi. Bye again Blueb. I am really stressed out and this isn't the MOST fun I've ever had BUT well - I just have to have some faith and trust that things will work out. Okay bye for real.

Yeesh.

I got a good night's sleep and I took care of my self yesterday by going to a meeting and walking part of the way home from work. I'm a bit overwhelmed but I'm SO happy to be busier and I like working at the boutique. She's going to pay me more per hour so that when taxes come out I still get paid the same as everyone else - I guess who aren't on the books? How NICE is that?? So nice and thank God!!! I had a good long talk with a friend and I feel much better about the Benedryl thing. I also talked to Her Lady Wonder about it. I just have to keep putting my sobriety first and keep going to meetings no matter what. The one I went to yesterday had 8 people at it! I can get to one today as long as I leave the boutique RIGHT at 6. Oh duh even if I have to leave a little bit after I can still get to the meeting. Right. Okay I have to get ready and go. I finally have my own keys tot he boutique so I don't have to run the keys to her building at the end of the night so that's good. Maybe I can write more when I am there at the boutique. Larni wants to turn his videos into a children's show. I got so sick to my stomach when he said that. I don't know - sound awful but maybe? Anyway I'm going to keep going forward on my own work - which he doesn't like or believe in ANYWAY. He used to. Why so negative? I am just scared. I guess it's all about fear. Really? Do I really believe that? Ha - it's all about resentments. What? It's all about love. There you go Blueberry - it's all about love. Bye!

Hmmmm...

The show last night was success!! It was a bit too long but people loved the show and the videos and they also loved my camera work. I have to say I wish I was performing. I also wish I was making money. I also wish I got more than 5 hours of sleep and that whoever is smoking cigarettes would stop. There are guests staying here and I think they are smoking in their room. I love being involved in something for sure as far as the show and the videos are concerned. But I was there all night for this event - I video taped people getting interviewed afterwards and I helped before the show checking people in. I however was not paid and all the comics who were on the show were paid plus I saw him pay the photographer. Which he deserves it - but don't we all deserve it? I don't know I don't want to be negative because someone paid for part of my check for dinner for me and that was SO nice. He was being very generous and that was so sweet. He has been in some of the videos and his son was also - both are very funny. This doesn't make any sense. Okay I got paid once this week for being an artist/performer and it wasn't much but at least it was something. I should have gotten paid last night but - well it makes me realize that Larni doesn't either respect me so much OR think I deserve it or - well - there you go. He said he wants to take me to lunch and he was so grateful and he said nice things but.....well I guess I was right. OR I just need to say I need to get paid? OR I need to be grateful that I am involved in something well done and be happy that I am sober and that my career is on the mend. It's just going to take awhile. It really is. It's so frustrating - I want to be doing shows - lots of shows. I have to go (and thank God) work at the boutique today. I have to find a meeting I can go to afterwards. Okay I have to go and get ready and get to this job on time. Bye Blueberry - I will complain more later!!

Today is another busy day!

I am going to work at the boutique for just 2 hours while my friend goes to an audition and then get to my meeting and then the premiere and show at Planet Hollywood. I hope this is hilarious - I laughed so hard when Larni told me what he wanted to do. Premiere some of the new videos and have a red carpet and one of those step and repeat banners where people will take photos. So the idea behind the video we did on Sunday was Larni making his way through the craziness of Times Square as he is approaching the show and then just as the video ends he bursts into the room. So it's like completely ridiculous and Hollywood but for these little tiny videos and hopefully it will be so silly. He's going to have someone (the drunk woman actually from Sunday night) interview people on the red carpet. She has been a journalist and done interviews for years so it should be great. She's going to ask ridiculous questions. I'm a little nervous. It will be okay. I need a shower right now and to walk the dog. I am a little bit nervous also about this addition of a new job and having to spend money to make money. A couple times I have had to take cabs to this new job in order to be on time. I don't make enough money to warrant that. I have to be careful. I also spent a lot of money on Sunday to do that show - although I bought things I can reuse a lot. Okay I spent 26 dollars which I guess isn't INSANE but I made 10 and ugh. I just want to be careful. I want to save money not just be busier and spending more. Okay - I had to say that. I wanted to take Benedryl last night because I was so annoyed and frustrated and I knew it would help me sleep right away. As I walked to the Bodega I said to myself "I shouldn't be doing this and if God doesn't want me to then there won't be any there." Well there wasn't any there and I was so annoyed and I had to walk almost a whole block before I remember I said that if God doesn't want me to there won't be any. I guess the urge to drink or use some kind of drugs is still floating up high in me and I just have to say it and be careful. I just have to be honest. I told my therapist. I have to go and get ready for this day. I will let you know how it goes. Here's to you Blueberry!!

I am so stressed out.

How the fuck do people do things? I swear to God - okay - well we got in trouble last night while filming. The manager of Planet Hollywood came into the elevator with us at one point and put his hand over the camera and made us leave. The crazy part was we had done like at least 4 other takes before that - so I have no idea where he was before he realized what we were doing. There was a lot of yelling and screaming soooo I suppose someone finally said something. We shot right through Times Square - it was awesome. The only trouble was with people filming us filming - fucking ridiculous. It was fun though. The show was okay - small audience and it took me half my set to warm up. I sort of - well I did a different song than I was planning on doing and I also - I was rusty. But I felt good when I got off and they seemed to really like the song. One woman on the shoot was drunk - it was so crazy. She got lost at one point and it was so crazy to see someone show up to a job drunk. I used to do that all the time. It was hard to see and it made me very uncomfortable. She called me today and asked if she seemed drunk - which made me REALLY uncomfortable. I said yes and asked if she was okay and she said she had taken anti-anxiety meds and that's what happened. She also cried and said she was sad about her personal life. Now I missed when I was supposed to call Her Lady Wonder - fuuuuccckk!! I have to go - love you Blueberry.

Okay how am I going to do all this?

Let's see - verrrry carefully!! Alright. Okaaayyyy. I just need to breathe. Yesterday was okay - I just got really stressed at he end of the day with the boutique when a woman came in and tried on like 25 things after the store had been closed for 7 minutes. But she bought 3 dresses so I feel it was worth it. I got to work at the other job just in time and then it was super busy there and I made really good money. I threw a fit because - well it doesn't matter why - I just have to make an ammends right now for it. I am really tired but I feel much better than I did after that first double and I love being up in the morning. I need to find some other clothes or figure out a way to look or rather feel prettier when I am there - I think it will help a lot. I need to get to the bank before 4 and I also need to get to a meeting somehow today. There is one at 4 - can I make it? The bank and then a meeting - then the show? I can't go to the show I wanted to see which is such a bummer. I ate really well yesterday until I got to work but at least I know I can eat healthy at the boutique. It's strange - I feel kind of apathetic about this show tonight - nervous and like - well - just tired. I can work that in - she can be tired - the character I'm doing can be tired. I swear I smell cigarette smoke all the time. How is that possible? I see people smoke now and I think it is so disgusting. How crazy is it that I used to smoke? Pot and cigarettes - all the time. I have to go - is it hot in here? Holy shit I feel like I'm going to pass out. Okay - good attitude in check and ready for action. I love you Blueberry - bye for now!

Okaaaayyy so here we go!

Blogger was down for a little while which was perfect because then I finally wrote my piece for Sunday. I worked 14 hours yesterday and I am doing another double tomorrow. Sunday I am going to try to go see a show, rehearse for the piece I'm in on Sunday night, do the show and then I'm filming something for Larni. It sounds really fun what he wants to do on Sunday and it's in Times Square so it's perfect. I also have to get to my meeting on Sunday at 5 and do my service. Holy shit - what a weekend. Yesterday was so much better at the boutique. I loved it. The only thing that is strange now is the bathroom. It's in the basement and it's a latch door type thing under the carpet in the dressing room - so weird. Like it's so not a wait till the last minute to pee type situation - at all. I always wait till the last minute. Okay so it was better and in fact I liked it. I won't always have to do doubles - only every other week and then eventually I can change my schedule. I was so upset that blogger was down and I couldn't write on here. I have come to really love being able to wake up and write on this blog. I have to go do service a this 5:30 meeting, walk to work and then - work. I have a cold or allergies but it's okay. I got a lot of sleep and the guys doing construction didn't come till late in the morning so it was perfect. Bye Blueberry - keep on rocking in the free world.

I'm going to the boutique and I wish

I was excited or anything less than kind of dreading it. Well let's look at it this way - I really need the money and perhaps it will lead to something else and if it's reaaally awful I can leave. I'm just tired and out of my routine. Here's the good thing - I actually went to bed last night so that I could get 8 hours of sleep. I actually took care of myself that way and that is amazing. So there you go - teeny, tiny steps towards feeling better. I have a sore throat - I hope it's just allergies? How am I going to make it through this weekend? Veeerrryy carefully. I have to go pray/meditate and goooooo sell 300 shirts you could buy at Target for 12 on sale. Wish me luck Blueb - I love you.

One year today.

I have been writing on this blog for on year and now I am sober for one year and 8 months. I guess I feel better - I can fall asleep now and that was definitely not happening a year ago. I also can move around better although sometimes my leg still hurts. I leave the house more now and I have started to pay off old bills and I pay my bills for the most part on time. I still feel like I struggle with feeling lack - lack of time, lack of money, lack of love. I started to do some Yoga and I started walking everywhere. I consistently pray and meditate and I take good care of this crazy little dog. I'm trying to be honest but I don't want to be - I want to sound good. I want to sound pretty. LOL!! I'm not even laughing. They are doing construction next door and I am finding it very distracting. It's really banging and loud plus they smoke cigarettes. I need to go film something with Larni and I for sure love doing that but I do not feel like my creativity is back in full swing if it was ever in full swing. I perhaps had more of a creative practice - that's all. I'm completely sexually frustrated......still. This house is still crazy but it seems a little bit better. Is it supposed to rain? If it rains we can't film this outside. How may times do I write I? So many. I woke up so tired but now I realize if I hadn't woken up for this video I would have been awoken by these wall bangers. Smoking wall bangers. It's also Boris though - he still smokes under the window. That is still annoying. I'm fighting off a cold. Holy shit this construction is crazy. Happy One Year Anniversary Blueberry Blog!!!

I have 3 minutes to write something.

I have to go run this meeting and I need to walk the dog first. I have to come home and work on my show for Sunday. I think I know what I'm doing I just need to do it a bunch of times. I feel healed from working the weekend. I am looking forward to another day off for sure. I got sleep and how amazing that I do sleep now. It has been a year that I have been writing this blog!! I started it on May 11th - how awesome is that? I have to go. I wish I had more time right now but I will have time later. Talk to you later Blueb. I just have to say that I think I'm finally starting to get stronger from not drinking and the more consistent meditation. Like maybe now I can really get my body in shape again because I will have the strength. Maybe I'm just inspired from watching Salt - what an awesome, bad movie.

I have come to a conclusion.

I need a new job. I need to at least be someplace healthy. I feel much better. I feel better anyway. I have to got to sleep. I am thinking someplace where there isn't a 2 drink minimum. Ahhhhmmeennn Blueberry.

After doing some reading online

I have decided that I would be miserable porbably right now no matter what - I'm tired and I don't feel that great, my grandmother died and my uncle is in the hospital recovering from DT's, my sister I believe also has a real problem. I work around alcohol and drugs and I am very lonely. However if I were drinking and smoking pot, cigarettes even - I would be hung over right now and really a mess. I keep beating myself up for not being married with children. I have tot let that go. This banging construction next door is driving me fucking crazy -it's so awful - I can't take it. What the fuck? I need a fucking break I'm so exhausted and over stimulated. I seriously feel like I'm going to throw up. How am I going to do this again this week? How am I going to go to that new job? And do my other job? I feel like I am about to completely lose my shit. I need to get the fuck out of here and go walk the dog and go for a walk myself.

I guess I'm just very sick these days....

I was awoken by construction next door - soooo loud but that's alright - I got enough sleep I suppose. I just - I feel so gross and okay - before I complain and wonder why I am sober since my life is exactly the same only now I'm sober enough to realize how awful this all is - I'm going to say this.....I can't eat all that processed food - it makes me sick. I also need to get a better waitress job or at a different job in general. I also - I have to be patient. I'm bored and I want some results and I want, want, want. I just feel so sick and gross and honestly I look it also. Am I really supposed to believe this is going to get better? There's a huge part of me that just thinks this isn't going to get much better and a huge reason why is my inability to love. I feel like my heart is actually quite cold and closed - towards myself and everyone else. I had a dream last night that I moved and I was trying to pick my bedroom in this big house where other people lived already. I had a boyfriend in the dream because I was trying to figure out how the rooms would look with both our stuff in it. I was so annoyed about all his ugly guy stuff. See - unloving. I am being hard on myself and I'm still recovering from that job over the weekend. I smell cigarettes also - it must be the construction. I just want to shop. That's all and eat and sleep. Oh dear - I have no money and I am fat. The sleep part would be good but it keeps being loud. I'm going to say that this will all shift. It will all change. I just am going to do the best I can today and pray/meditate, eat healthy food, go to therapy, go to my meditation meeting. I will be present in this discomfort and find an alanon meeting I can go to this week. Something will shift and click in to place. For sure. Okay - talk to you later Blueberry.

Okay I'm back after walking the dog

and I think this is what happened. I went shopping today and I left the house without showering, praying or meditating. I really need to do those things before I leave the house. I just also feel very uncomfortable and I'm tired. I think trying to shop that way is not good. I also - ugh - I don't know. I got all squirrelly after seeing Soft Hugger today. He was trying to chat with me and I was so uncomfortable. I just feel so uncomfortable in general. I just felt so much better after walking the dog but now I'm writing this and I'm getting all in my head again. I'm just going to breathe and get to bed soon. I will brush my teeth and be glad that I didn't drink or drug today. Christ Almighty - what the fuck? When does it get better?

Well I feel awful and now I also

feel slightly - ugh do I really want to write this? I just am so tired and what is the point? I really don't get it. I do all this work and I feel like I am getting nowhere and where am I trying to get to anyway? I'm so lonely. I'm fat. I am always in HALT. I need to stop writing this. I will feel better tomorrow right? Maybe? I'm so fucking depressed. I have pimples all over my face and neck for some reason. For some reason? The bread, cheese, candy, pizza, nachos, not enough water, stress, exhausted reason. I have to stop. I don't think this boutique job is going to work out. I couldn't find anything to wear there today and I also got so annoyed that I was shopping to buy clothes I wouldn't normally wear. She doesn't like my style. I have to go. So depressed and I hate all things. Boo Blueberry but not to you.

What are the good things?

I need to write about the good things. I made enough money to pay the bills I need to pay. Actually once I pay these bills off I will be able to save the same money I'm spending now on these bills and move. I ate really healthy food before I went to work and I went to an adorable meeting I had never been to. I want to go back I really liked it. I sent my mother a Mother's Day Card - I hope she got it. I just - I don't know how much longer I can waitress - it's awful. It's so totally awful. I feel like someone beat me up after every shift. Well okay - I need to apply to other jobs. Maybe I could work more retail? Something else. I got enough sleep last night - that's a good thing and it's absolutely gorgeous out - that's a wonderful thing. I have today off and I had said maybe I would work but I can't. I need to get some things and and work on my piece for next Sunday. My cousin sent me an email about my uncle and it is so heartbreaking. So very, very sad. I just - I'm not sure if I can take it but I'm going to do the best I can and do what Her Lady Wonder suggests for me to do. I am going to go back to alanon this week. Okay I need to walk Miss Doggie - she woke me up - it was so cute. She wnated to tell me Happy Mother's Day. Aw my poor father - no Mom for him this year. Last year we had a big brunch for all of them - it was so fun. Awww. Sad day after a hard weekend. It will be okay. There are lots of things to be happy and grateful for. I'm breathing - that's something right??? Bye Blueberry!!

What the fuck am I doing?

Oh my GOD that was such a long awful day yesterday. Okay - jeez - it wasn't THAT awful but it was exhausting and I didn't make that much money and it feels like I'm trying to fix a gash with a band aid. That's not totally true ....it feels - just crazy. I was really tired after the boutique and I went to a meeting and had a piece of pie in between jobs. I'm just tired but I like the boutique but I seriously - the comedy club is so gross. What's crazy is I feel like both are not really my element. I feel like I'm at the museum all the time. I also feel like I'm not myself when I'm at both places - whoever the fuck myself is. Well okay - it's okay - I did like being up early and there is lots of sunlight in my room that early in the morning. She was really late to the store and told me that she said noon not 10 - so that was upsetting because noon would have been soooo much better. She also decided to not take Fridays off so I won't be working on Fridays so thank God I didn't change my schedule a the comedy club. It's all so confusing and I forgot to get my service covered for the Friday 12:30 meeting....once again I just didn't show up. I was awoken by a baby staying here this morning and then a man walked in on me while I was in bed. He opened the door and I was half awake already thank God and so I said "Hello???" Now get this - he says "Ohhh - hellooo - hello - oh - sorry - hello - pardon me." Are you fucking kidding me? HE said hello like 14 times. I wasn't GREETING YOU fuckface - I was saying - "Oh so clearly you 'forgot' where YOUR room is and just happened upon this other room on a different floor of the house and I'm in bed SLEEPING and I would rather if you didn't come all the way into my room - not HELLO, hellooo." How annoying. I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing. I must be....I don't know this seems like so much hard work and for what? I know for what. I'm going to save money and I'm going to move. I'm paying off bills and I'm - I don't know. Now someone is playing some HORRENDOUS instrument. I only got about 6 hours of sleep and I needed more but at least I'm working tonight and maybe I can get a shift for tomorrow. Okay - fuck. 4 shows tonight - please dear God help me. I'm so fucking tired.

Long day today....

I have to train again at this new job and go work the other one. I am awake and I have coffee and the dog on my lap. I made my bed and my clothes are ready to go. I just have to take a shower and walk her. I worked last night at the comedy club and it was horrriiibbbllee. Horrible. I still need the money and I definitely will need to work both jobs for awhile but I am completely over it. I bought myself flowers on the way home so that helped. Peonies - my favorite. They smell so pretty and they are beauuutiful. The way past it is through it so I am going through this. I have to run now - I will write more later - maybe??? There is a computer there at the boutique - if she leaves today I can write there. I thought I loved Soft Hugger again and then my stomach hurt sooooooo badly when I saw him. It might have been the sardines I had for lunch but I don't think so. So such a no. SO strange. But my stomach knows what I don't - that's for sure. Bye Blueberry - I hope we both have a good day!!!

The Knife Stealing Lady is here....

she stays here sometimes and pays him in marijuana. She's so fucking creepy. I think I wrote about this before but the first time she stayed here she left a bag in the kitchen - a small paper bag with handles - one you could fit a lunch in - and she had taken all sorts of food from the fridge, tea bags and knives from the kitchen drawer. Like 8 of them. She had also made herself a couple of sandwiches and taken some of my yogurt drinks I had in the fridge. Then she had the balls to call him up and ask if she left a bag there!! She is another reason I refuse to use that kitchen anymore. Now she is staying here and he is gone. She says hi all nice and weird, I hate it. Well hopefully soon I can move. It is so much better here but seriously?? Who let's someone come and stay at their house who does that? I guess the same person who let my drunk disaster of an ass stay here. I let my dog pee all over his carpet for fucks sake. I suppose it's actually very nice of him. He has ACTUAL silverware here though. I have no idea it's none of my business. I am so tired but I feel much better after meditating. MUCH. Byyeeeeee.

So let's see......

Life is changing and getting cleaner. Not so quickly I might add but that has to be for the best. I have work tonight and I also have to train at the boutique in the morning and work tomorrow night. I have to find a meeting I can get to in between both of those jobs. I also have to bring clothes for the other job - how am I going to do this? I also am not sure how I am going to get to this job at 10 in the morning after being at the comedy club till midnight. I think that might be ridiculous.....that's plenty of time. Oye - stress. I will have to change my schedule eventually. Anyway I am so glad that this is what I'm doing with my time instead of figuring out how to buy pot. I already am forgetting that that was my life once upon a time. When I walked from the train last night I walked all along Adam Clayton Powell from 125th street and I walked by this grocery store that I walked to in the middle of a snow storm 3 years ago to buy a six pack of beer with my debit card. There was only like 10 dollars in my account and none of the bodegas around here would take my debit card so I walked to that grocery store because it was the only place I knew of around here. Holy shit that was 4 years ago. Holy fucking shit. Thank GOD I was walking home from training at a new job last night. I didn't drink when I got home,I took good care of myself,went to bed early and got a good nights sleep. I thought while I was walking that I don't want to remember anymore being a drunk and a drug addict but I never want to forget either. I still feel so close to it all and I still feel tired and toxic - not quite healed from all the marijuana. I need to meditate - I need a long one right now. That sounds weird. I have some projects to work on - some writing things also....so let's see how this all starts to unfold. Stay with me Blueb - I love you!!!

Hello I'm so confused....

not about this new job. I liked it so much today. I don't know I think I'm tired and I wish I had a couch. I just miss sex. I don't know I think maybe I just want a nice normal life. I have no idea what that even means. I want to live and love, write and exercise, have sex and have lots of animals and got to the beach. I do wish I could perform.....have fun being myself.....Christ I miss so much performing....and I miss being me and having it be good. I loved the boutique. I am so tired. I will write more tomorrow when I am not listening to The L Word at the same time. I want a kitten. A little black one. Hmmmmmm. I will name it Grandma. Grandma Jupiter. I don't know - barf.

The interview went well and

today I start at the boutique. I am training with my friend so that will be good. I absolutely adore the fact that I will not get thrown up on at this job - and she assured me of that. I also love that I am awake and I have somewhere to go today. I won't be able to go to my usual meeting but I found one near there so I hope that I will like it. I'm sure I will. I just had some healthy breakfast and I'm having coffee. This feels so wonderful to be in a clean room with healthy food and a job to go to that hopefully won't be major drama or gross. We shall see.....I have to meditate. I would have never been able to do this years ago. I would be hung over right now and all bloated and freaked out about not having enough sleep and blah blah blah. All that drama. Barf. I just love that I'm not hung over and I'm not mortified by something I did last night. I went to a diner with Larni - NOT mortifying at all!! Okay I'm going to pray and meditate real quick. Bye Blueberry!!! God Bless Grandma.

I wish I could stop feeling so sick to my stomach.

There is a pit in my stomach and it doesn't seem to be going away. Being back in the city seems difficult and I feel sort of catatonic. I watched the final episode of Six Feet Under and maybe I shouldn't have or maybe it was perfect timing but either way - I did. I got to a meeting last night and went and got groceries. I did my laundry and I walked the dog. I feel sick!! I ate healthy food and took my vitamins. I planted the plants I brought from my parents house and I - I don't know.....got to bed at a decent hour and read a little bit before I slept. I have always loved to read before I sleep. I have a job interview tomorrow and I am so nervous.....it's for a boutique and I reaaally would love to work there and I would reaaaally love to work a job where people don't throw up on me. I'm just lonely and I really miss being hugged and loved in a romantic way. I guess a huge part of me is feeling sorry for myself and I suppose all my unhealthy thoughts - depressing, sad ones about life in general are happening. I just feel sort of - what's the point? She had a great life and had a great time. She got to travel, have kids and grand-kids....I just somehow - and this is despite how absolutely loving and kind mt family was - I just somehow feel unloved. I have to say it would have been nice if my friend had at least left me a voice mail or even called my parents house and left a message. I just really - jeez....she isn't really focused on me ever....she has little kids but this is how I always feel with her....it's okay. I have to meditate - I really do. I am discombobulated from a week of being at home without any clothes or any of my stuff. It was a beautiful week......I am just sad and uncomfortable....it will be okay again right? There are Japanese girls staying here right now and they are soooo fucking loud - holy cow. I also feel so bad for my father - he's being so nice.....he even went to the beach with us and he never does that. I just feel a little depleted that's all. How are people so strong? My sisters were so strong....bye Blueberry - let's hope for a happy day...