ONCE AGAIN THE GUZHENG IS FROM HELL

I swear to God that he wants my attention or SOMEONES. Why can't he shut a FUCKING DOOR? Watch this - I am going to go downstairs and walk the dog and he will stop. I for some reason can't handle this today. When can I EVER??? Are you fucking kidding me? THERE ISN'T A BIGGER INSTRUMENT IN THE WORLD. And it looks like a giant fucking penis. One time we were eating corn on the cob and he ate his so that there was just corn left on the top of the skinny part on one side and it looked exactly like an erect penis. Like the head of the penis on that end. I was so fucking grossed out and I think that's when I decided to 1. NEVER EAT CORN WITH HIM AGAIN and 2. Never to eat with them again. Christ. How are there not penis statues all over this house? I HATE THIS FUCKING INSTRUMENT SO MUCH!!!! Sometimes he plays it while he's listening to himself on a CD. He fucking jerks off and watches himself jerk off while he's jerking off. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKkkkkkk!!!!!!!

Well here we go.

And by we I mean me and thank God my dog. This little creature is pure heaven and I am so grateful I have her. She is such a wonderful little gift to wake up to and come home to. I am drinking my coffee that I made here in my clean room and I just cancelled plans I had made because I am exhausted and guess what?? SHE needed to cancel also!! I would have left the house already if I was still going to see her. Which is honestly - well perfect but also - jesus. If I did that thing - that "I made a plan I have to show up" bullshit - I would have been so pissed. I am so tired and I am once again fighting off a cold. I also am completely freaked out by this lump in my belly. Although I look so much better than I have and it could be just a weird fatty deposit. Plus it kind of hurts so that's a good sign? I just have to make a doctor's appointment. I'm so lonely. I miss having a boyfriend. I miss hugs. I want a baby. It smells a lot like cigarettes. I slept so much though. I also woke up and put the dog in bed with me and slept more. The fact that I stayed here is awesome. I took care of myself. And now I can take more care of myself. I can do the Castor oil thing, meditate and pray and read more plus take a long, hot shower. Oh!! And a little bit of yoga. Here's the thing. I always felt in my teen years that I couldn't do anything and I always had to do what my parents wanted and then kind of disappear. I also felt like I had to hide my money and I also felt like I couldn't express myself creatively. I ALSO felt like I had no other choice but to stay there because I had no idea what I could really do or how to take care of myself. I felt trapped and stuck and even if I could have left (which I could have) I had no idea where to go or how to take care of myself. I DID NOT think I could take care of myself and it scared me. OUT THERE scared me. Jesus. That's exactly how I feel here. I am so confused and bummed out. I'm sort of feeling nothing - just still or non-existent. Oh dear that can't be good. I have completely recreated my childhood - or rather my teen years. Whatever I started feeling like this in like 3rd grade. But I REALLY felt like a trapped adult in my teen years. Hiding my money? Then I would spend it irresponsible. Well okay now is the time for me to be nice to myself and realize that I am - what? Better than that now? Am I? I have to go take care of myself.

Still bored out of my fucking mind....

but.......I am watching The L Word and I don't know - something has got to happen. Tall Not So Dark And Creepy has been playing the guzheng all day long and it makes me realize once again that he just HAS to make noise in some way. This book I'm reading is so mind blowing. IT says that alcohol surpresses the feminine urge and sedates and that cigarettes surpresses the male aspect of desiring to control by by in control of the cigarette it surpresses emotions and get THIS marijuana does BOTH. Christ - and he was so smart and at one point gave up cigarettes and alcohol and just does what works easiest - marijuana. This seems so ridiculous - I'm blogging about someone else's writing, judging someone and all while I'm listening to The L Word at the same time. Who the fuck am I? I am for sure in part feeling sorry for myslef but SERIOUSLY I need to have sex again and I mean guilt free, healthy sex. This house turns me off and that is exactly what happened to me growing up. Okay fine - not so weird but as an adult to not feel like I can have sex is weird and fucking unhealthy and it fills me with rage. Not only that but everyone else has sex and Tall Not So Dark And Creepy has sex ALL the time. I'm not kidding - today the doorbell rang and he brought someone into his room. HE HAS A BOYFRIEND WHO LIVES HERE!!! Gross but more than gross it's - so - tyranical or something. Why would you want people to not have sex or for that matter never leave the house or for THAT MATTER how the fuck are you GAY and you hate lesbians? Ugh - no wonder I gained 30 pounds. I lost A LOT of it first of all but...anyway I have some serious issues I need to work out. I WANTED to live here!! Ha!! I prayed and fucking meditated for it. Christ. I never have fun and I definetely don't have sex fun. I brought my dog tot he vet and because wasn't a disaster it was fun. Sort of fun. Fuck my life is seriously ridiculous but it's less painful than it used to be. Frued said we create the same life situations to master our feelings. So far no dice Sigmund.

Everything is so SO

much easier sober. I would say easily 90% easier. I was able to bring the dog to the vet and I wasn't hung over so I wasn't late AND it didn't hurt nearly as much to carry her around. I was less fumbling and out of sorts. I was able to pay for the vet and buy her special food PLUS I SHOWED up for the appointment which I would have never done. I brought my coffee and ate an apple on the way there. On the way back I was able to read my book. She has gained a little bit of weight and she is fine. I would have been such a fucking MESS before and I probably would have had to take a car there or a car home because I would have been so tired. I wouldn't have been able to carry her and the dog food. When I got home I was fascinated by how much less drama the whole thing was. Plus I had on clean clothes and I wasn't embarrassed when a hot guy came in to get something for his dogs. I was embarrassed by the huge pink boner his dog had but I wasn't all dirty and cracked out and feeling homeless like I would have felt even a year ago. I am definitely physically healing. My changed diet and all the walking is most definitely helping and I can feel the wound in my body healing. Or I can feel my whole wounded body healing. But I have to tell you that I am bored out of my fucking mind. I'm bored and why aren't I out there doing any acting or comedy? Is it really done and if it is what am I doing here still? Am I living here so I can become a lesbian in private away from my family? I'm not a lesbian I am stuck. At best I'm half bisexual. AHhahahaa. Boooooring. I am going to do the Castor oil treatment right now and meditate and read the book more. Maybe later I can do some of my new vision board and scan some of those pictures for the anniversary party. I am exhausted - of that I am. I am still very tired and very bored. I still need physical healing. I'm bloated from freaking out on food and soda for a week. Maybe 2? Do you know why I freaked out on food and soda? Because I had it one night - crazy food and soda and nothing happened the next day. Then I did it again and still - no problem. THEN I kept on doing it and I woke up today (and yesterday for that matter) and I was totally bloated and gained 5 pounds. I really realized last night that it's exactly like my alcoholism. It's all progressive. A little bit of the right things everyday makes me better and a little bit (OR A LOT) of the bad things makes me worse. So fucking annoying. Christ Almighty.

Yesterday started out well and then

got super frustrating and then ended up okay. I did a lot of running around and trying to do outside things to make myself feel better. I put Feria in my hair and it only lightened it a little bit. Which is good because by the time I went to bed and read my book a little bit I read the part that said trying to make major changes to your surroundings or hair doesn't make you feel better and if it does will only work briefly. Self care is so important but I think I would have been better off just staying at home, meditating and putting the heating pad with castor oil on me. That's something I learned from the Snake doctor. I'm tired. Greatest American Hero left. The kid LEFT and went back home. Huh - weird. Ugh. I - I don't know I'm frustrated and tired. I started watching the L word. Maybe I will become a lesbian. I have to take the dog to the vet so I have to go. I will come home after that and let myslef do yoga, rest, read, do the castor pack, meditate and maybe even swim. I'm not going to swim. Why won't I let myself do it or even push myself to? I'm grumpy bye.

Good Morning and it's actually

morning!! Imagine that? My sleep has finally adjusted and as long as I exercise I can sleep at night now. That is so fucking amazing to me also. I sort of thought last night that I wasn't tired when I needed to go to bed but I got really tired really fast. I - ugh - have this lump on my belly near my belly button. Did I talk about this already? The snake doctor has me doing something to help it but I should really make an appointment to have it looked at. It's honestly scaring me. Okay well so I said it and it's not a secret and I also am - well a human. Things happen. Time for me to be really REALLY nice to myself. I am tired. I got 8 hours of sleep and I'm still sleepy. Like for real tired. This coffee hasn't kicked in yet and I also woke up to cigarettes sooooo that can't have helped my sleep. Okay I will write more later. Love and gratitude, love and gratitude.

Holy fuck.

I am so much neater, cleaner and more organized of a person. I think I have finally gotten most of the way in to the present year. It has taken me almost 1 year and 7 months to have a REMOTELY clean and organized life. It also has taken me this entire time to catch up on countless movies and TV shows that I was heartbroken about missing out on and couldn't figure out how to watch them. When you and by you I mean me - spend hours upon hours drinking, smoking cigarettes, marijuana and humping the radiator - there is no time for Netflix, Blockbuster, Cable or even just whatever I could watch online. I did watch a lot of porn. And I NEVER watch it now. Not because I think something is wrong with it but because I'm not interested in it. There's just so much else to do. Okay I watch a little bit of porn. Ugh sooo I just washed my coffee mug and my coffee maker and that feels like SO fucking amazing to me. First of all I never had a coffee maker 2 years ago and if I had one I wouldn't have washed it until it got completely horrendous OR I would have washed it when I was shit faced and completely fucked it up. I used to drink and clean all the time. What a nightmare. I have now started to read again. I think these glasses are really helping me read. That's so ridiculous - OF COURSE they are helping me read - they are reading glasses. I love to read in bed and on the subway and both were very difficult when I was high but next to impossible when I got sober and didn't figure out for 1 year and 5 months that I don't need a new LAMP - I need glasses. I sort of see doubleish when I don't use the reading glasses. What did I really think was happening? Oh well - who cares I have the glasses and I am now reading an amazing book and my life is still getting cleaner but I have a way to go. It's now time for me to sleep. What a day I had!! Holy cow. Good noggin Blueberry!!

The only way past it is through it.....

That is what is happening to me right now. I am finding myself very uncomfortable and upset at where I am in my life. And I am grumpy, have PMS and would love to just sit home and write and not go to that horrendous job. Last night was sooo crazy and I worked my ass off and only made okay money. That being said THANK GOD I have a job and that I can take my dog to the vet this week and I can pay my rent on time. The holistic doctor said this week (which I can also go to thank God) that the only way I can get to the place that I want to get to is by sometimes not feeling so great. Heart breakingly depressed and upset is how I refer to it. He also said not to label any feelings as negative or even positive (I know - I KNOW) and to recognize that however I am feeling is exactly the way I need to be feeling. I am exactly where I need to be. I will feel better. I will quite possible feel worse. I haven't been praying so much the last few days and I do feel off center. So perhaps that will help. I will do that today. I have done my little yoga routine and I have walked to work so that is good. If I walked all the way there today I would be doing really great. I also would be exhausted. My eye is all red from wearing that horrible make-up. I wore it one day and then I walked to work and it completely fucked up my eye. I look like a psycho. Let's see but it will heal and I already washed it out and used witch hazel. It hurts is the real problem but I can handle it. I think I might try to get my toaster out of the basement so I can have toast up here. Is that crazy? It seems crazy. I wish I had a kitchen. I used to have my own apartment and it was amazing. Ugh this house is great - I am just not in a good place. I had a drunk dream last night. One of those "I am drinking but still going to meetings and saying I'm not drinking" dreams. Awful. I took benedryl before I went to bed because I was in pain with my eye and this cold is so horrendous. Plus now for some reason late at night I can't breathe - I start to cough and it's like I'm having a slight asthma attack. Jesus no wonder I am upset. And I'm beating myself up for not going swimming. Okaaaay - fuck. Alright I took the benedryl and I feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't take something like that. Well I did and I will just have to be okay with that. But clearly my subconscious thinks otherwise. Okay well just 2 more days of work and then I can do some other things to take care of myself. Oh dear. Breathe - I just have to breathe and read my new book "The Presence Process." He - the snake doctor - said it is wonderful as did my friend who introduced me to him. Okay. So the only way past this weekend is through it and I can do it. It will be okay and it will pass. I am trying to get other work so I am taking actions. It will be okay. Bye Blueberry. I will miss you. P.S. I am going to try to be nice to me and everyone else today and let it be okay when I have negative, rageful, hateful feelings towards others and situations.

I need to wash my hair.

I have that weird I can't think or focus right thing happening that happens when I need to wash my hair. It really affects me. Effects me. What is the difference between those words? I did some writing last night and I have to say I'm not sure about sharing it. Seriously what the fuck am I doing letting this kid give me a homework assignment and then actually being nervous about showing what I've done. Listen I know how I am when I don't like someones stuff - meaning writing. I'm awful. I just get so annoyed when it's not good or interesting or even - short. Let's see - okay I need to work this out. The great part is that I wrote. For sure. I have to start somewhere. Why aren't I performing? I am so confused. Is this the dirty hair talking? I don't know. I need to wash my hair, do some yoga, pray and meditate. I did already meditate this morning but I also fell asleep afterwards so I'm not sure how much I did. I still always smell cigarette smoke so I just open my windows and turn on the fan and the central air fan. All that heat going right out the windows!! I can NOT take it otherwise. Anyway so of course the main reason why I am worried about showing my work is that I want him to "like" me and I am "caring" what he thinks. Ugh okay I posted something I wrote someplace else and all of this will work itself out. I need to go to work and make money. Holy shit I have to take the dog to the vet next week and pay for a new microsoft word package thingy. How can I get it for free? I just sent someone my resume and I called someone else about a job. I am going so fast and if I don't wash my hair soon - like in the next 5 minutes I'm going to explode. Have to get to Barnes and Noble and pick up a book before work. And calcium - I need more calcium. Less food and soda and more calcium. BYEEEE!!!!!!!!

My parents were hot.

It makes me so happy to realize that they really loved each other or at least were so hot for each other that they got married and made babies. I mean I think I thought they were never really in love or that - I don't know - she got duped into marrying him somehow. Ha - not so much. Ahh I find human beings so interesting. And I really see the humans that they are now. Life is so hard and it hits some harder than others. Some people really play roles and manipulate, others do and don't. I don't know - I don't know anything except that I feel really blessed to understand where I come from. I feel really blessed to have been able to get to know my parents and move past my childhood. Okay or at least BEGIN to move past my childhood. I am definitely on the ship that is going past my childhood - main destination the present. Sooo anyway Larni is coming over so I have to go. He said something a little snippy to me on the train yesterday and I stood up for myself and then he called me later and said that that was so great that I did that. THAT is so much easier than letting it fester for 5 months right? That is a Taoist thing - "take care of the few before it becomes many." Byeeee Blueberry!!!

Wowzers!!

Holy fuck what a couple of days. I made my amends to my friend and that was fabulous - she was awesome about it and very appreciative of me wanting to spend time with her again. We went to lunch at this adorable place in Mystic by the water and the food GLORIOUS. Holy shit - the seafood by the sea is amazing. Plus I had a burger - whaaaaatt? Why not:). My parents are totally hilarious and crazy - they really crack me up. We found tons of old black and white pictures and their wedding album from Japan. They looked so happy on their wedding day and for a good number of years after that even. I joked to my mother that they had one good day at least!! wow they were hot shit - sexy fuckers they were. So young I guess maybe that had something to do with it. Haha - always funny those two. I have worked long and hard to understand where I come from and I can tell you this - I come from a goofy couple of people. So much love between them in these pictures. The people across the street have a baby goat and around this time of night it starts crying for food and it is LOUD. Holy fucking weirdness I forgot how bizarre sounding goats are. They call goats kids right?? I had to ask my father what it was. It sounds like a little girl is out there calling to someone. Okaaaay so this has been a good trip and even though I have no voice and gross colors are still coming out of my face - it has been totally worth it. The picture I added to this is of one of my favorite spots in the world - we almost always go there when I visit. Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall we go to the beach. I love that sea air so much. And yesterday was such a pretty, sunny day. I'm so tired! Love you Blueb - talk to you soon!!

Off to Ct.

And boy is my throat tired. I have no voice - it's all raspy and hurts from this cold. Work only made it worse last night. I worked too long - I stayed longer and worked the third show because of Greatest American Hero plus it was my friends birthday and well - okay - I worked and I lost my voice and I'm SO tired but I can't wait to get to the farm and breathe some fresh AIR!!!! Woo-hoo - so psyched for THAT!! Well Her Lady Wonder just told me it's none of my business how he acts or what anyone does or thinks for that matter. I will get there - to that place where I don't care what anyone thinks. Hopefully. I can't beat myself up for working more - I needed the money and it's done now. Gotta run - love you Blueb.

I wrote part of a

monologue. From a dream I had years ago. I wish I wrote down my musical dreams or at least just the outline and the songs. I hope I will have more. I also bought a domain name and renewed my own named domain name. The guy I spoke to also told me how I could build my own website using their template. That's exciting - for sure, I'm going to see my parents tomorrow and to see and old friend and apologize to her for being - not a good friend. How hard is that to write. It makes my shoulders drop. I've gotten a lot done today....I like to travel with my room and laundry clean. I ran errands and I - well I did that. I have to pay my cell phone bill and I still have to pray and meditate and get ready and go to work. I Still have this cold - it's not better except that I don't have a fever and I can go about my day. I am learning a lot about how to stay in myself and not - lose myself really. Just let myself bleed all into other people. Melt might be a better word or a - whatever it's bleeding. I figured out where the cigarette smoke is coming from. On either side of our house there are people working on other houses. And by people I mean men that smoke - outside - a lot. Well - so there you go. I have started to be nicer to people at work and to myself. Once I realized I needed to forgive myself and that I'm not a terrible person - I felt something lift and I felt so much lighter and it's been so much easier to be nice. Plus I can't carry that around with me - it's too much. Ugh that being said I feel SO GUILTY because these girls tipped me extra last night and I and I had already put the tip on their bill and I shouldn't have done that. I should have told them it was included. And I gave one of the girls such a hard time about paying for her food (one of the other waitresses) and then I left without paying the bartenders for mine. Okaaayyy so it looks like I still need to do some work on that whole consistently nice and rigorously honest thing as well. Yeesh - okay. Well Greatest American Hero has really inspired me to write. More. So I am going to keep doing that. Hmmmm - that seems evasive. He's so totally cute and adorable. But I have to say I seriously felt that way about 4 guys yesterday. And by 4 I mean 15. Huh - that is really the truth. One guy as I was walking to work checked out my vagina and he was HOT or at least not a weirdo gross guy - you know he was cute and it totally turned me on. It felt GREAT. Sooooooo - I am making friends with Greatest American Hero and THAT is good. And I am being nicer to people although everyone thinks it is because I am getting laid. That's what a grumpy a-hole I have been...everyone thinks that the only way I could be nice is if I am having sex. I TOLD them that I wasn't but they didn't believe me. Trust me - they would see the difference. I think??? I probably wouldn't be talking at all. Just peaceful and quiet. I have to go Blueb - I love you. Talk to you later!!!

Well, sooooo

I'm feeling a little better and I was able to work last night. It's so hard being there. I fell in love with that boy and now - it's so awkward. He is actually being nice to me and I'm so conflicted about my feelings that I can't even be normal around him. Okay - I can't be myself. I even got jealous. I got really jealous of another waitress who I would think would be a better fit for him. She's younger than me but still older than him and she's the same style. Why do I do that? What the fuck is wrong with me? And I'm so fucking horny. I really can't take it anymore. This creepy guy at work said he would have sex with me "no strings or emotions attached" and I'm considering it. He is so gross. He has fooled around with probably hundreds of women. Most of them under the age of 25. Maybe I need to call my therapist. I'm totally crushing on this 23 year old boy and ranking on this guy for fucking the same exact thing. I can't even have anyone over here to have sex with them. Um - total frustration. I am experiencing total fucking sexual frustration. I had the weirdest dreams. I need to unclench my heart. I am beginning to realize the one thing I am amazing at is being hard on myself. Yeesh. Unclench my grip on myself. I'm going to pray and meditate and do a little yoga, go to a meeting and walk to work for some exercise. I'm also going to call my mother and pay my cell phone bill. If I had gone to bed earlier last night I could have woken up today and gone swimming and that wold have made me feel so much better. Okay I need to go to work, mind my own business, breathe and stay focused. I did agree to write one monologue and one scene by next Thursday. I will also work on that. I agreed with that boy. I will call him Greatest American Hero. That's what he looks like. He has encouraged me to do these writing samples and even put it in his phone. One week from today - have some writing samples done. One monologue and one scene. I told him I wrote a song and he said it didn't count. Really? I told my manager Wolfgang about the song and he laughed and laughed. Jesus. Okay so I also know I'm funny - whether I like it or not.

Still so sick and I'm home.

I completely forgot to go and run the meeting I'm supposed to run every other Tuesday at 12:30. I didn't remember until 3 in the morning. Holy shit. I woke up with a pounding headache and I threw up. I haven't done that since I quit drinking. It was awful. Tears streaming down my face - the whole thing. I have to just accept right now. I don't know why this is happening but it is and I just have to stay here and take care of myself. I think the headache was partially caffeine withdrawal. I had 1 and a half coffees here yesterday but I would normally drink more. A lot more. Well after I just drank a cup I feel a bit better as far as the nausea and the headache goes. My fever is better but I feel gross and horrible things of awful colors are coming out of my face. I slept about 11 hours total so that is good. I'm going to do a super session of prayer and meditation. That will help for sure. I had no idea I was drinking that much coffee. I mean that I was that addicted to it. That headache and barfing was very withdrawal feeling. How awful. My poor little body. The crazy part to me is that I used to drink SO much more. Just venti after venti of ice coffee from Starbuck's. And coke!! I was drinking cokes like crazy. I don't look that sick. How strange is that? My eye color is pale but other than that - not so sick looking. How fucking weird. I'm so off kilter. I'm so out of balance. I feel twisted and backwards. The cigarette smoke does not help at all. Complete fucking torture. To be sick and have cigarette smoke in my room is torture. Why is my life like this and why can't I feel better? I do feel like I'm drinking still. This is exactly what my life was like. Tortured. The poor dog - I haven't taken her out yet. She's just staring at me. The landlord's boyfriend has taken up the recorder. Yup. Why not add some horrible music to my torture? When you are being tortured the music should only be torturous also. Her Lady Wonder said to be really kind to myself and really gentle. I'm going to try - I really am. I like the clothes I got for myself - they are really cute. Comfortable and cute. I have to say I'm not so sure about The Snake Doctor. How the fuck am I always so sick??

I'm sick again.

I'm sick again. Sore throat, clogged head and ears, post nasal drip, cold chills, stuffy drippy nose and I just feel horrible. I can not believe I'm sick again. I really feel like someone is trying to kill me. I'm heading towards depression again. There goes my day and my shows planned for tomorrow and tonight I got nothing done. Well I bought some clothes. A pretty shirt, bra and some pants. All of it from TJ Maxx. I hope I still like the things tomorrow. I feel so fucking sick. I probably have a fever. Oh duh - I can take my temperature. I already took advil which only helped a tiny bit. I will never get anywhere in my life if I just have rotating weeks of depression and then physical illness. I miss romance. I need to take my temperature. Oh I totally have a temperature. Fuck. Okay - look if I have to stay home tomorrow I have to stay home. I'm supposed to go to Ct. on Sunday and I have a lunch date with Carrie on Monday. I've been drinking vinegar, taking zinc, drinking water and resting. I have the humidifier on right now and ugh - okay in minute I need to go to sleep. Having a fever makes it done for me - I can't do anything. Maybe I won't get really depressed and maybe I will finally NOT eat ANYTHING from work. No one else's food and just never put anything in my mouth unless I have JUST washed my hands. The smoke that comes in here doesn't help at all. Not one bit. I have to lay down - I'm done.

Blogg I miss you!!

Larni and I had a - what would I call it? Well he upset me and then asked me about it - I told him how I felt - we had a long talk - he did my hair and we hung out for hours and now all is well. It felt very honest and - calm? I mean I talked to my therapist about how I was upset, then I wrote him, then we talked a bit, then we made a lunch date and worked it all out. Jesus it was a lot of work but it was worth it. I am letting people close to me and I am letting a bit of intimacy into my life. And we had a real interaction. I am really talking to people. Ugh that being said I woke up today with a horrible cold and I don't want to do anything. She just asked me to work. Here's where I get confused. Okay - I have a cold - what am I confused about? I need to rest. I also have never gotten as sick as I have since working there. There have also been times where I said I would work, arranged my schedule and then she tells me never mind. For real. Okay but the reality is that this has nothing to do with her - the struggle I am having right now. She is trying to take care of herself and her job for tonight. Okay. I have issues with her because she is wishy washy and she can really be a douche. I don't have to work tonight if I don't think it's good for me. That being said I need the money and I would be able to see that cute boy. But I don't want to see that cute boy because he is a boy. He really is a child. Okay. I really don't want to be there and this cigarette smoke in my room is gross enough - I don't need to go to work and be around all that unhealthiness. Okay I am really struggling here. The reality is that I will feel much better if I take the night off and heal. I need to heal. If God wants me to see a cute MAN he will put one before me. I won't have to hurt myself and go do something unkind towards myself in order to see someone. I also have shows to do tomorrow night and I need to write for those and get myself rested for those as well. Okay. Yes I need the money but it's also St. Patrick's Day week and I seriously can't be around that shit. I also need to clean my room a bit. This is the most boring blog post ever. But at least I'm writing on here - I feel like I'm neglecting you. Now we have to get to a new level in our relationship Blogg. How do we do that? Honesty and love. Kindness and love. We will work it out - I love you - bye.

Things have changed once again.

I have started dealing with my money issues, my family issues, and now my codependent issues. Of course I'm sad - life is sad and I'm not having sex and I hardly have any fun. But - well I met a sweet boy and he has helped me feel a little bit better. And well I feel a little bit better. I'm not saying what I want to say....maybe I don't need to say anything else. Having someone care about me is nice. Seeing someone follow their dreams is wonderful. Seeing someone sweet and nice follow their dreams is even more wonderful. I'm losing my thoughts. Here it is - I am sad that I don't have a baby or the option at the moment of having a baby in a responsible way. However what I am realizing is that if God wants me to have a baby I will have one. I would really like to adopt. If God wants me to be famous and for me to be super creative - I will be. If He wants me to be in love with a wonderful, kind, sweet, sexy, fun, hard working, wealthy man - I will be. I really do feel for the first time that I am dealing with all the facets of my inner pain. I am becoming more authentic and I'm changing and I'm also getting older. So guess what? God has some plan for me and I don't know what it is but I'm going to go ahead and trust. Trust and keep on working hard. Good night Blueberry - we got a tiny bit on the other side of the pain.

Hope is all I can hope for today....

I feel a tiny bit better than when I fell asleep last night. And a nice man checked in on me today and said "that's better than being a tiny bit worse." That is true - very true. My thoughts seem tiny bit less poisoness and I got a decent amount of rest. I already walked the dog and it's very pleasant outside so that always helps me. I'm going to meet a guy for coffee who a friend hooked me up with. Her Lady Wonder said all I have to do is not hate him. Okay. I sent him a picture and it is one where my sister and nephew are in the picture and I said they were my children (jokingly of course) and his reply was - nothing. He sent me a picture also and he looks nice but maybe a bit tense in the eyes? I didn't notice that - my friend whose boyfriend hooked us up noticed that. Well I worked last night and that sweet boy was there again and we talked and he is sooooo sweet - he said he wanted to help me and that he's magical. Haha - what better reason to totally avoid him? Besides the fact that he is 16 years younger and he has been in the city for 4 days. FOUR DAYS. Ugh okay I feel better having just written that. Do you know the crazy part? No but I will tell you. Her Lady Wonder said to avoid him and then he showed up again last night and he was so sweet and then here's the kicker. He ended up really bonding and talking to the guy whose girlfriend and I had a whole fallout with and then my career really hit the bricks. Well what the fuck? I'm not meant to talk to this kid. He is a KID. And there you go - God got in the way. Ugh it's still annoying. Well maybe I will find my place in this world, self acceptance, creative expression and love. Maybe I will just not be suicidal every other day. Or at best maybe I can not have an existential crisis all the fucking time. But today I feel hope and God help me I might find a new job and not have to see that guy, hear about his girlfriend or hear his horrendous comedy. Also maybe I will get past all this super sensitivity. Am I being hard on myself? Maybe - I don't know how else to be. I am tired and I am just miserable and that's all there is to it. But I do have a tiny bit of hope. Which is more than I had yesterday. Bye Blueberry.

So depressed.

So totally mother fucking depressed. I feel so hopeless and just - what's the point and so - trapped by the past. I don't know - duped? I can't even write anymore - I'm so sad. Ugh - what's the point? I really don't know what the point of anything is. I think I really just need to move so I can at least be in nature and get some relief from that. I can look at the ocean and the pain in my heart will lift a little bit. I'm just so heart broken that nothing has worked out and that my last - ugh - who cares.

Fuck what a day - what a week - what a million

lessons learned. Resentments hold me back and I have no room for them and can't afford to hold onto them. I am starting to feel things I have never felt before - a level a realness I have never experienced and it is scary as shit. I have the nicest, most caring therapist in the world. Her name is Miss Jones. That's her real name. She stayed an extra 25 minutes with me tonight. I could not stop crying and I was very, so very upset and in pain. I'm going back on Thursday. I also learned and I actually HEARD Her Lady Wonder when she said that "other peoples craziness has nothing to do with me." Also I learned that unfortunately people are - well - crazy. Ha - well - okay - there you go. Not only that but I work in a toxic environment and I also live in one and it's very exhausting. I have to find a new job. I just have to take some actions. I cleaned tonight - everything. The whole room, bathroom, dogs ears, clipped her toenails, dusted, Windex, vacuumed, did my laundry and changed the sheets. And it all got done in a reasonable amount of time. Each time I clean it's easier. My therapist said each time I go through intense emotions and if I keep talking about them - the impact of them will be easier. I had no idea that this is what recovery was going to be like. I have turned down a new road. Now I actually want to recover and be healthy. What? I mean - ugh - I don't know. This has gone so far past "If I get sober I will be famous and get a great boyfriend." And I'm learning how to take care of myself - for real. I also am learning if I don't take care of myself and do for others because I don't want to "hurt their feelings" or even worse take the effort to take care of myself and say no - I just get resentful and then the poison starts flowing in me. I really don't know if I'm expressing what I want to say. I'm completely shocked at the level of emotions I have and how hard they rock me. I'm also shocked at how shitty people are. They don't want to be shitty and none of the people I work with OR live with know what I'm doing anyway. But I really get that if they feel things the way I do - I can see why they don't want to try and behave differently. Growing is very, very painful and difficult. But I suppose it will get less so as I go. Perhaps the more it flows the less rocking it will be. Jesus - okay I need to take a shower. It's 2:07 a.m. - why not??

Another comedian died.

Holy shit - and we just shot a little movie with him just about a month ago. Holy fuck - I'm in total shock. He was in recovery and he was really great and he was a fucking AWESOME comic. He really had his own voice. Holy shit I don't know what to say except that if I died and it was my time to go I would be leaving on such a down swing. I honestly don't understand. I can't believe I just made his passing about me somehow. Fucking A. It's like I just run into this wall of - just - misery sometimes. I feel stuck, trapped, like a loser , like I'm in chains of stuckness. Like I'm in a cast of mud. Like my whole life and brain is cast in mud. Than I get exhausted. I watched Seven last night. I'm going to go ahead and say I need to stop watching these movies. Jesus Christ. I had a dream last night about this apartment and it had all these bathrooms and while my boyfriend and all these other couples were out going for a walk I went to use one of the bathrooms and there were toilet seat after toilet seat after toilet seat covers but no actual hole to go in. So I went and used this other cute girly pink seated toilet in a different bathroom and then this girl came and said it was her bathroom but it was okay. As I walked out of her bathroom to go back to the rest of the apartment (which was HUGE and had all these interesting hallways and rooms but very cozy and girly) I looked behind me and realized there was a door that led to an Olympic sized pool and I said to the girl "Oh!! You are right near the pool!!" And she said "Yes we can walk right through that door and go swimming - it's so great." My boyfriend in the dream had a beard and mustache and was really fun and nice. I think he was kind of burly - chubby?? A bigger guy or just definitely a dude and he and I really seemed to love each other and be laughing and hugging and kissing a lot. I'm leaving out the parts of the dream I didn't like. I'm going to look up toilets and toilet seat covers now in the dream dictionary. Oh Blueberry may he Rest In Peace.

I feel totally crazy.

I feel totally insane. I really do - I just - I don't know what is happening with me and why am I writing about it on here? I just feel fucking full of rage, hate, upsetness and distrust. I swear to fucking God am I never going to be happy? Am I never going to feel okay for even a day straight? Now I'm wide awake and it's 3:16 a.m. I'm so stressed out and I never have any fun. I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself . I'm just upset and I feel like I'm not supposed to be. It's like I'm fucked no matter what. I think I'm going to get in bed and meditate. I just wanted a boyfriend and I felt like maybe that was going to happen somehow and it's not. I am also upset because I can never get int ouch with Her Lady Wonder and I really - she never listens to me anyway and I feel like I'm always - settling with her. Or I don't know I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of all of it? What's the point? Really what is the fucking point? Nothing has changed. Maybe a few things have changed but I have - no control. Whatever now this is upsetting me. I'm just - whatever. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Please God help me find my way.

Welcome Sunday.....

it's nice to see you. As I was falling asleep last night I tried to think of all the things I did right during the day. I fell asleep before I could really get a solid list together. But when I woke up I was thinking how a year ago I was hobbling around - especially when I woke up in the morning and when I would get out of the cab after work. That is much MUCH better now. I'm feeling much less sore and I can walk around just fine. I am going to write on here and then I am going to call about that next overdue bill. My rent is paid and I started reading a book the other night "Think and Grow Rich." I'm going to keep reading about it everyday and any other books I need to read about becoming successful. It has occurred to me that the reason why I don't "know" what I want is because I'm afraid to say what I want and because I feel like I don't deserve what I want. Well the better I take care of myself the less I feel that way. I MISS doing comedy and I MISS being funny. I want to be funny and creative and colorful and healthy. I want to be passionate, helpful, kind and strong. I want to be fully alive in myself and let the Tao express itself through me. I want to be balanced and loving towards myself and others. I want to be an artist of love. Haha that was funny. But I kind of mean it. I don't know what I mean. I want to write and perform and I MISS dancing SO MOTHER FUCKING MUCH!!! Having said all that I don't think I am coming from a fearful place when I say that I don't know what framework that that all comes in. I really don't. I do know that if I can figure out what I want I can go towards it with a gusto. So I'm going to meditate and pray. Pray for an answer from God and the Universe. I'm going to pray for Inspiration. I have the answer inside of me and in my dreams. I know that I do. I just need also a sign from the awakened world. During my travels today I will see what the world provides. Look for signs - be open for Inspiration. Soon it will be a year since I started this blog. That will be interesting to see the changes. Okay - time to pray and meditate. Love you Blueb.

I'm a girl and I know this

because I just got my period. I also know this because I love babies, furry things and cooking. I also love the beach and the sunshine. I suppose that isn't what makes me a girl. I'm a hopeless romantic and I know I am being sappy right now but I feel so lonely and it has been almost - lord help me - over a year and a half since I have had sex OR been kissed and I'm so lonely. I'm so - cold. I'm just - cold. I miss being kissed and snuggling and love. I miss love. Hugs. A hug and a genuine kiss. Love. I need to take better care of myself and fall in love with myself and where I am again in life. I am crying and I'm shocked because they are real tears. Not the tickle my nose tears where I'm forcing them out. I can't believe nothing is happening with love for me. It's just not. If I had a friend who was trying to be open to something and it wasn't happening I would say - just let it go. I have to let it go - it's not my time - that's all. But it's sad and it sucks. My period is getting shorter and I'm going to be 40 soon. I - oh dear - I think I might get really depressed right now. I'm never going to have a baby and I might never get to be a wife. I'm not. Men don't like me anymore and now I can't stop crying. I bought myself flowers last night and I - fuck - I just it's too much. I'm upset that I'm not an actress. I'm upset that - I don't understand anything. I'm grateful I have a job to got o and things to do beforehand. I'm grateful for the couple of projects I have coming up. I wish I had more money and a job that was more creatively fulfilling and healthy. I wish this person would stop smoking. I wish I had more self love. I am going to pray and meditate and keep accepting. I am going to remain open and keep cleaning myself and my life. I am going to breathe and love my dog. The answers are in my dreams. I know this. This is the onlyt hing I know right now and it's not just because I watched Inception last night. There is something in my dreams.

This isn't going to be very positive.

I just woke up and it wreaks of cigarette smoke in my room. I went downstairs lat night to walk the dog and the landlord and his (barf) boyfriend were making out on the couch and they acted do RIDICULOUS about it. Like I was walking in to their bedroom. AND they were laughing and giggling and it made me feel really badly. It hurt my feelings and it made me really mad. And he said that Boris doesn't smoke anymore as of yesterday. Right. Well someone does. He thinks it's someone living next door? He is such a fucking liar. Look I don't know who it is I just know it is driving me fucking insane. It's making me sick and fucking up my time living here even more. I keep looking outside when I smell it and I don't see anyone. I don't see anyone and I don't see any smoke. So it is coming from inside the house or he said maybe from next door and they have a broken window that it's coming out of? I'm knocking on their door. Oh yes I will. Poor dogie is smoking too then. What the fuck? I can't help it I fucking hate living here and I feel trapped. Okay well I'm glad I wrote that because it's not necessarily true. I have options and I can save my money and move. Okay. I just feel pushed out and I'm so fucking tired. I was trying to nap yesterday and that's when he turns on the washer. Why wouldn't he WANT that thing fixed? And I can guarantee as soon as it is fixed he will start playing that hideous instrument again at all sorts of awful hours. I'm in such a bad mood. So totally fucking grumpy. You know what really pisses me off? That his boyfriend doesn't pay to live here and neither does Cretona. All I want is peace and quiet and fresh air. I don't make noise or do ANYTHING. I don't even use the kitchen anymore. I need to wash my hair. I'm extra grumpy from that. I guess. Cigarette smoke. What a selfish fucking past time smoking is. Horrible.